Top 20 Best Number One Hits Of The 2000s (Part 2)

     Alright, let's finish this.

10

     Timbaland is awesome.

10) Song: Promiscuous

      Artist: Timbaland feat. Nelly Furtado

      Year It Was #1: 2006

     Timbaland is, no beating around the bush, one of the greatest producers to ever step into the world of music making. The vast majority of the beats he creates are some of the catchiest, most fun, just straight up bumpin' things to ever be released to the public. From his work with Justin Timberlake, Missy Elliott, and the person he teamed up with for the track in this spot, Nelly Furtado, this guy can almost do no wrong......

.........almost.

Anyways, yeah, everybody and their grandmother knows Promiscuous, and it's not hard to see why because this song is fucking awesome. First off, this beat is a straight up banger. The pounding drums, the futuristic synths, the little alien-like vocal snippets in the background that sound way better than they have any right to sound, it all creates this really great club atmosphere that fits both the performers and the lyrical content perfectly. On top of that, Timb and Nelly Furt just bring it here. They trade off lines and bounce off of each other remarkably well, not to mention how great they sound, and the chemistry they have is absolutely impeccable, which enhances how well the lyrical content works in spades. Here, Timbaland is trying to seduce Ms. Furtado at a club. She's clearly interested but is playing incredibly hard to get, so Timb on the surface seems to be unsuccessful. But he's not giving up hope as he sees through the little tease she's putting on. On the surface, this sounds creepy as hell, and if it weren't as well written as it was, I'd be pretty inclined to call the police on Timbaland. However, it avoids several possible pitfalls that this could've fallen into. Timbaland avoids the pitfall of coming off like a total perv by not saying anything skin-crawling or overly explicit, and Nelly avoids the pitfall of being a totally insufferable cunt by letting him down easy and not being all that aggressive as well as not being completely opaque and confusing in the signals she's sending. She is playing hard to get, as stated before, but she's still clearly showing at least a little bit of interest, and that's what makes this song work so well: it sounds completely normal and comfortable. This sounds exactly like a realistic conversation that someone would have whilst at a club, and neither party shows anything to show that they deserve a drink in the face or a boot to the nuts (or......ovaries in Nelly's case, I guess?). Overall, really great song.

9

     Hey, remember when Maroon 5 were good? Ah, good times. Good times.

9) Song: Makes Me Wonder

      Artist: Maroon 5

      Year It Was #1: 2007

     The story of Maroon 5's descent really is a tragic one. They started out in the early 2000s making great pop-rock that pretty much everyone and their mother enjoys, continued that in the mid-2000s, but by the 2010s, something......happened. I mean, they had Misery and Moves Like Jagger, which were still really good, but it was clearly foreshadowing of what was to come, and it wasn't gonna be pretty. Sure enough, that's exactly what happened, and while I will come to bat for One More Night, Animals, and to some extent Sugar, the rest of their songs after 2011 minus those three really are as bad as everyone says they are. I'd say I hope they come back to their roots someday, but let's be real, that isn't going to happen. You know it, I know it, and their two most recent top 40 singles prove that. Thankfully, though, none of that has tainted my view of any of their old music, and such is the case with Makes Me Wonder, their only pre-2011 #1 hit as well as easily their best hit song to date. The batshit alternative funk sound of this song is simply mind-blowing in just how incredible it is. The light, bouncy guitar riff, the heavier synths, piano interjections that are random yet don't feel out of place, pulsing drums, the little atmospheric effects in the background, it all creates this really upbeat and enjoyable sound that's hard to deny. Then we have Adam Levine's vocals. Normally, when a vocalist is shoved right to the back of the mix, it irritates the hell out of me because how much it muffles what they're trying to say and makes it hard to hear them, but here, that's not really the case. As drowned out as Levine is, he's still audible simultaneously and isn't rendered incomprehensible. The lyrical content is also pretty good here as well. It's about a relationship gone sour, something that would later become the bread and butter of Pretty Boy & The Other Guys as well as their biggest mistake, but here, it actually isn't that bad. It's about how Adam is wondering how he ever came to trust someone so cold and heartless and wonders if he ever really did care about her yet at the same time blames himself for going out with her in the first place due to the warning signals in her head  that she'd turn out this way. It's a really good concept, and the execution goes off without a hitch. All in all, this a really great song, and it's a shame this band (if you can even still call them that) has taken such a turn for the worst.

8

     Hi, Kevin's favorite artist.

8) Song: Stronger

    Artist: Kanye West

    Year It Was #1: 2007

     Let's not beat around the bush, here: Kanye West is a complete and total egomaniac. He's full of himself, doesn't know how to quit when he's ahead, incredibly braggadocios, and an overall completely self-centered person with an overinflated view of his self-image. However, that isn't necessarily a bad thing in and of itself. In fact, often times, it can lead to some damn great music from the dude, and thus, we come to talking about Stronger. This song is just straight up power from start to finish. It reworks Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger by Daft Punk into this heavier, more industrial sounding musical piece, and it just sounds awesome. It has so much punch, so much energy, so much grit that if you don't get pumped listening to this, something's wrong with you. Lyrically, this is a song about picking up a chick in a club by bragging about how awesome you are. Basic as hell, yet Kanye pulls it off with how much charisma and presence he has with fire line after fire line (and also that corny "Klondike/blonde dyke" line, but hey, they can't all be winners). Every single second of this song is just, from start to finish, an absolute blast. The fuzzy synths, the machine-like percussion, the aforementioned HBFS sample that runs throughout the entirety of the song, all of it is nothing short of simply glorious. This is gonna be the shortest entry for the top half of this list because there really isn't much you can say about how awesome this song is without starting to get repetitive. The song just kind of speaks for itself. It's great. End of discussion.

7

     Did I mention Timbaland is awesome? Because he is.

7) Song: Give It To Me

    Artist: Timbaland feat. Nelly Furtado & Justin Timberlake

    Year It Hit #1: 2007

     Now, if there is one thing that I have always maintained, it is that music should be judged for what's in the song with little to no outside factors having any impact on judging its quality. A song or album or whatever should be judged on its own merits without something arbitrary such as, say, the video or, in some cases, real life events affecting one's view of it. Give It To Me is a prime example of this. If I didn't have that rule I just mentioned, then I would not like this song nearly as much as I do. Heck, I'd probably even hate it. No, none of the beefs were nearly as significant as they were made out to be in this song, and in the hands of less charismatic performers and with a beat that's not nearly as great as the one here, I would have hated this song. And yet, everything here just really clicks. It's just so believable, real beefs or not. Every single line brought out by Timbaland, Nelly Furtado, and JT are straight flames, and they all sound amazing as each of them perform their posturing with so much personality and energy. They all sound like they're having fun with the song, and that's something you really need to do if you wanna get the listener engaged in a song like this, but damn, did each of them pull it off. And again, as is pretty much par for the course when it comes to Timbaland, the beat  is fucking excellent. The punchy tribal drums, that little hypnotizing synth loop that runs throughout the song's entirety, the sparse interjections of keys, they all culminate to create this big, important feel to elevate the song, and it works like fuck.  I am so glad that I do not give a single shit how overblown all of the cases of drama involved in this song are because like most people, I enjoy liking things, and this is a prime example. Some may say this is the biggest mistake of his entire career, but I say it's the best thing he's ever done. Fantastic job here, guys.

6

     Hey, look, a Beyoncé song that's actually awesome for a change. Again. In a different way this time, though.

6) Song: Crazy In Love

    Artist: Beyoncé feat. Jay-Z

    Year It Was #1: 2003

     And Queen Bey strikes again. Welcome back, gurl.
Now, while Beyoncé pretty much built her career off of tearing down guys who did her wrong, you gotta admit, it does get pretty tiring after a while. That's not to say that every single time she does something in that vein that it's pretty much destined to be complete crap (hell, that's how Lemonade was pretty much from start to finish, and that record still turned out absolutely marvelously. Seriously, check that album out if you haven't already), but I dunno, it gets a bit stale after a while. Where she really excels is when she's building a guy up. You have no idea how refreshing it is to see her being supportive of her partner coming from song after song of her just ripping her current mate a new one, and this song right here is easily the best thing......

......the second best thing she's ever done. For starters, this instrumentation is absolutely killer. That horn line is iconic, and it is badass. It's so pumping, so propulsive, just entirely excellent through and through. That's not to say that the rest of the mix isn't just as impressive, though. It's built around this fast paced cowbell loop with the random horn interjections popping in every now and again, leaving Beyoncé herself to carry the melody, and I gotta say, she brings it. Her voice is assertive, dominating, and an all out powerhouse. She's absolutely killer on this song. Then we have Jay-Z, who, I'll admit, I don't think I was ever too big on, but man, when he really wants to be awesome, he sure knows how to bring some pretty great things to the table, as such is the case here where he shows that he has the capability to match his wife's sheer energy and sheer forcefulness when it comes to being head over heels in love with someone, which extends to the simple content about just being madly in love with your current paramour. It's a truly classic song and easily shows why Beyoncé has as many fans as she does.

5

     This is a......weird song, but most definitely in a good way.

5) Song: Fireflies

    Artist: Owl City

    Year It Was #1: 2009

     Let's face it: every now and again, we all need a song that just takes us away from the world. When everything we're dealing with at the moment is just too much to take in, we all need that one song that just brings us to another realm of existence where we are free from our worries and just let out a gigantic sigh of relief. Fireflies is exactly that song for me. Now, I will openly admit that I don't know much about Owl City. I know of this song, Good Time with Carly Rae Jepsen, and Unbelievable with Hanson, and nothing else. However, not gonna lie, they're all pretty good except for that last one. Adam Young has some real presence in his voice, and the level of control this dude has in his vocals is just astounding. Which brings us to Fireflies, unquestionably the song that immediately springs to mind whenever Owl City is mentioned. This song is just a straight up trip through time and space in the most wondrous of ways. The main bleepy-bloopy synth riff sounds incredible, and it meshes surprisingly well with the sweeping strings, soft yet constant backbeat, and hints of piano. Not to mention that the explosion that occurs during the second and third choruses are phenomenal. When I close my eyes and listen to this song, when that hook hits, I just imagine all these pretty colors rushing around me as if I'm traveling warp speed in some sort of time machine or something, and trust me, it is glorious. All of this creates this sort of magical atmosphere, which suits Young's more wistful performance incredibly. But now we come to the main thing about this song: the lyrics. This is a song about a guy's insomnia keeping him up at night, leaving him with nothing but his own thoughts that are constantly eating away at him. He wants something desperately to believe in, but his own feelings of loneliness and hopelessness are preventing that from happening. Then, in the middle of the night, a bunch of fireflies fly in to his room and quickly befriend him, showing him all of the wonders the world has to offer. He grows attached to them as they give him comfort when he's at his lowest, and he feels sad when they leave for all the joy and warmth they fill him with. It's an odd concept, but it works really well, and the parts about how he's alone with his own thoughts and constantly questioning his self worth is really relatable to a lot of people, myself included. It's quite the magical journey that really is worth going on.

4

     As much fun as the OutKast song that made the HMs in part one is, I can't get around the fact that this is just the OutKast song I enjoy the most, and for damn good reason.

4) Song: Ms. Jackson

    Artist: OutKast

    Year It Was #1: 2001

     Let's face it: OutKast are probably the most iconic acts to ever hit the hip hop scene over the past two decades. Based out of Atlanta, Georgia, the duo consisting of Big Boi and André 3000 are two of the best emcees to step onto the rap scene, and this right here, their magnum opus, Ms. Jackson, happens to be one of  the reasons why. Let's get the main reason this song has been praised to death by so many others before me: the content of  the song is handled surprisingly well. The premise of the song is that a man has just broken up with his girl and is now apologizing for everything he did wrong. However, the twist is that they aren't apologizing to the girl so much as the girl's mother, someone who was incredibly critical of their relationship from day one. Andy 3K comes off as more apologetic and sorrowful of what he did to make his girl cry and is asking for the mother's forgiveness. Big Boi, on the other hand, takes a more confrontational approach. He expresses the grievances the guy had with this girl's mom and how she would nitpick at every single turn. Sure, pointing out the major flaws was important, but it seemed like at every single turn, she had a bone to pick with his mingling with her daughter, even if it was the tiniest, most insignificant thing. Worse yet, she would comfort, console, and defend her daughter whenever her daughter and him would fight even in the moments when the daughter was wrong. And the cherry on top comes with the fact that she treats her grandchild as a paycheck rather than an actual human being that needs to be taken care of by a parental figure, something he has taken the liberty of doing the total opposite of her on. All of this is handled with tact and maturity, and Big Boi calling the mother out on all of this is justified because of how much detail is provided and how rightfully deserved all of it is. There are a few insults and curse words thrown her way as well, but to tell the truth, she kinda deserves those as well. It's an emotionally complex song that has so many different things going on yet still feels coherent and masterfully constructed, which can apply to the production and performances as well. André sells his apologies with his admittedly kinda silly but still recognizably sincere singing voice, and the anger and frustration Big Boi shows with his rapping coupled with his energy, charisma, and fast yet steady flow is nothing short of incredible. Add on to that the warping percussion, hazy, prominent synths, tight bass, and little flourishes of piano, and you have yourself one masterclass of excellent hip hop.

3

     Hi, Kevin's favorite artist. Again. And yes, Kevin, I know you like Slow Jamz more, but although I like it, I just didn't like it enough for it to make a list. Sorry, bro. But back to being positive...

Song: Gold Digger

Artist: Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx

Year It Was #1: 2005

     Now, one thing to note about Kanye, apart from his massive as all hell ego, is the fact that he's always up for trying something new, and just that he did with Gold Digger, and if this is what he is capable of when he tells stories, then fuck, I gotta listen to more songs where he does incorporate such cohesive levels of descriptive details together because this is just great. The song focuses on Kanye falling in love with a woman who he thought genuinely loved him back, but it turns out he was bamboozled by her because all she wanted out of him was his money and to leach off of his massive amounts of success in life, and Ye goes into every single painstaking detail surrounding the situation and everything she's spending his money on. From plastic surgery to bottle service for her and all of her friends, most of which was money she was supposed to be using to be taking care of her baby that Kanye thought was his but finds out eighteen years later is the child of her and a guy she was having an affair with behind Kanye's back (damn, this song gets a little dark at that part), she really is something that isn't to be trusted. Kanye even admits at the beginning that he was at fault as well in the situation in the first place for falling in love with her in spite of his friends warning her of all the dangers surrounding her and all the celebrities she's fooled around with and screwed over yet still going with her for her works. And the song ends on a shockingly solid note with West warning anyone like this woman to stay with her man and be good to him because if they're not, then the minute the man catches an opportunity like he did, they're gonna leave. I'm actually glad Kanye didn't go the dark and brooding "feel sorry for me" pity route (even though I kinda do feel sorry for him, honestly) with dreary production and an angsty flow. It would've been way too obvious of a choice, and it most likely would've been a whiny, sludgy whinefest that nobody would want to enjoy no matter how much substance there was behind the lyrics. Instead, thankfully, what we get is a more apathetic performance with a solid flow, some clever humor sprinkled all throughout the track, a hook and ad libs by Jamie Foxx doing a damn near perfect Ray Charles impression throughout the entirety of the song, and some damn solid production. Seriously, between the intense yet controlled percussion, squonking horn line, and the light, almost train-whistle like synths, this song is just a goddamn blast to listen to. Oh, and not to mention that the comedy that's used in the song. Yeah, I like Kanye when his humor is actually funny and not just cringeworthy. All in all, this is fantastic, extraordinary, but don't let it go to your head, Ye. You only made #3 on the list, meaning two songs beat you ou-oh, who am I kidding, he's not gonna see this, and besides, even if he did, he'd let it go to his head anyway. Still, great song.

2

     Spaghetti.

2) Song: Lose Yourself

    Artist: Eminem

    Year It Was #1: 2002-2003

     Oh, Eminem. Slim Shady. Main member of D12. Marshall Bruce Mathers III. What a both complete paladin and total antithesis of who to be as both who to be as a human being and a musician. This man has racked up fans and detractors alike for both the actions he takes in real life as well as the songs and albums he's put out over the course of over a decade. Now, I'm not gonna focus on the former category because, well, as a person who uses this platform to critique music as well as songs, I feel it necessary only to give my opinion on the actions an artist/producer/writer/etc. takes in real life if it is incorporated into any of their songs, and if it's not, I leave it be. However, I will focus 100% on the latter category because, well, I am a music critic after all. It's pretty much my duty to do that, and for ol' Em, there are many people who love anything and everything he puts out, and then there's the other side that's full of those who despise his output and pretty much think anything he touches turns to complete and utter shit. He's had a few number ones in his career, and while I have quite a bit to say about each one (believe me, you have no idea how many positive things I have to say about Love The Way You Lie), we're here to talk about the only #1 he had in the 2000s, Lose Yourself. This song is one of two Eminem songs that whether you love or hate his music, pretty much everyone can agree that this song is fucking awesome. Hell, even fellow music reviewer and ardent loather of Slim Shady's music The Radical Douche admitted in the second part of his collab with Josh aka Cicabeot1 that this was one of the two Eminem songs he enjoyed, the other one being Stan, which easily would've made the cut had it hit #1. (By the way, highly recommend checking both of those guys out. They're both excellent reviewers as well as just really cool people to talk to. Here's a link to part 1 of that collab I mentioned.)
Once again, we find ourselves dealing with an inspirational anthem. I've already touched on my thoughts on this particular trope in music in part one of this list with Live Your Life, so I won't bore you with that again, but I will say that this song takes a different, much more ominous path for this type of song. It's more narrative driven telling the story of a rapper who choked in a rap battle he was preparing for, but he doesn't let that stop him from giving it another go and completely kicking ass the next go-round despite what kinds of remarks people might say about him or his personal life (which, funny enough, spoiler: is also pretty much the entire plot of 8 Mile, the movie's soundtrack this song was made for, and yeah, it's not hard to see why this was picked to be the main themefor it). As well as that, it incorporates the message of following your dreams no matter who or what may stand in your way. It's cliché as all hell, to be sure, but the way in which it's incorporated is just so hard hitting and impactful looking past how tired and overdone said cliché is is pretty much a cake walk. Not to mention that the instrumentation and rapping are absolutely killer. The gritty electric guitar riff against that hip hop beat, that explosion of synths in the chorus, the little piano twinkles at the end, and Eminem just going HAM with his flow, it all creates this aggressive atmosphere that makes me want to wear jacket, flip up the hoodie, put my earbuds in, and go beat some big guy up in a back alley right before I remember that I'm a scrawny white nerd with pretty much no strength in my arms or hands and would get my lights punched out in less than half a second. It's raw, it's forceful, it's bold, and it kicks all amounts of ass. And yet, we still have one song to go. So what could be better than Lose Yourself?

Final honorable mentions:

HM7) Song: So Sick

           Artist: Ne-Yo

           Year It Was #1: 2006

An incredibly slick R&B song about trying to get over a breakup in a tactful and respectful manner with great production and vocals.

HM8) Song: Lady Marmalade

           Artist: Christina Aguilera, Lil Kim, Myá, & P!nk

           Year It Was #1: 2001

Damn, this is just so sexy. It's rough, it's gritty, it's dirty, it's fun, and I fucking love it.

HM9) Song: Empire State Of Mind

           Artist: Jay-Z feat. Alicia Keys

           Year It Was #1: 2009

Say what you want about Jay's bars or his bragging, but Alicia's hook and that production are just way too epic to not enjoy, you gotta admit.

HM10) Song: Fallin'

           Artist: Alicia Keys

           Year It Hit #1: 2001

I know I came down really hard on Alicia Keys in part one of my worst #1's of the '00's list, but I really do like her fine enough, and credit where credit is due, this is an incredibly solid pop song with a soothing piano line, decent lyrical content, great vocals, and an incredibly handled tense-calm dynamic. Now, had A Woman's Worth hit number one, that one would've made the list proper, but still, this is nice. I'll take it.

HM11) Song: Stand Up
             Artist: Ludacris feat. Shawna
             Year It Was #1: 2003

It's just a real banger, yo. Luda's known for that, and he's awesome at it, but I think you already knew that.

HM12) Song: Just Dance

             Artist: Lady GaGa feat. Colby O'Donnis

             Year It Was #1: 2009

Lady GaGa is a musical gift from the heavens, and if you even try to deny that, you're just flat out wrong.

Okay, let's do this.

1

     I deliberated whether or not this one should really count, but in the end, I just said fuck it and counted it anyways, it's just that awesome. I think you all know what it is.

1) Song: Smooth

    Artist: Santana feat. Rob Thomas

    Year It Was #1: 1999-2000

     Now, you've seen me throw curveballs at you in previous lists of mine, whether that be including a widely hated song on my best list (or vice versa), having a completely out of left field top one of my lists, or having a song that is on everyone's lists but not at the top be at the top on mine while the obvious chart toppers be in a lower position than expected or not even be on the list at all. This time around, however, is not one of those times. This is a song that damn near everyone fucking loves and considers one of the best songs if not the best song of all time, and it's not hard to see why.
Now, you could argue that this shouldn't technically count given that it first hit #1 in 1999 and had most of its chart run there, so shouldn't this really be considered a 90s #1 hit? Well,  you could make that case, but here's the thing: in spite of that, this song wound up on both the 1999 year-end chart as well as the 2000 year-end chart, and for decade charts, it landed on both the one for the 90s and the one for the 2000s. In both of those cases, it wound up higher in the latter scenario, being #2 on the YE for '00 as opposed to #19 for 1999, and it was #33 on the decade-end chart for the 2000s whereas it was #41 on the one for the 1990s. So yeah, it was able to chart higher in the 2000s and being remembered as a song from that decade despite technically having more popularity in the previous decade. And let's be real here: everybody, young and old, knows this song. I knew this song instantaneously, and I was merely a 4-year-old little tyke when it was insanely popular.
Do you wanna know why all of that is? BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I swear to fucking Christ, there is not a single moment of this song that I do not love, and the vast majority of that is due to Mr. Carlos Santana himself, a 70s rock legend who had virtually no success in the 80s or 90s (again, barring '99), but then went on to have tons more success in the 2000s scoring hit after hit on multiple year-end charts. That is fucking insane. No other artist would be able to have such a long time gap after their peak and then return nearly three decades later and have way more success than they ever have, but Santana did it, and what he provides us with on Smooth proves every single reason why. This song is merely a taste of what Santana is capable of bringing to the table. Every single guitar lick that this guy's fingers strum is straight up magical. Every single chord, melody, note structure, they all seem so complex, and yet he just blows through them effortlessly, and they sound awesome. The rest of the mix definitely helps with this too. The conga drums and Latin-inspired sound with its piano, maracas, and tambourine is so upbeat and fun that if you're not up and dancing to this song whenever it comes on, something is seriously wrong with you. The pacing, the tempo, the groove, it's all there, right where it needs to be, everything coming in at exactly the right time sounding exactly the way it needs to sound. And then we have Rob Thomas who, love him or hate him, sounds absolutely magnificent on this song. He just has so much charisma and charm that denying that is damn near impossible. It's clear that he's having fun with the song and we all should be too goddammit. Lyrically, this is about a woman who stays calm and collected and even manages to have fun even in the darkest of times, which can describe this song as a whole. Whatever mood you're in, this song has the power to brighten it further than you ever thought possible and just uplift your spirits to the heavens and beyond. It's timeless, it's fun, it's memorable, it's the transitional song to end all transitional songs, and it is, without fail, the best #1 song of the 2000s. Thank you all for sticking with me throughout this long journey, I hope this was all worth the wait, and I will catch up with you guys later. Take care. :)

Top 20 Best Number One Hits Of The 2000s (Part 1)

     And now our journey of ripping off TheDoubleAgent continues as we take a look at what I consider to be the top 20 best number one hits of the 2000s. I don't have any sort of preamble this time around, so if you wanna see what I think of this year in terms of hits, number ones in particular, go back and read the opening paragraph of part one of my worst list. All I'll say is that I really fucking enjoy all of these songs, and in my opinion, they're all incredible. Enough playing around. Let's begin.

20

     Alright, I know I've talked multiple times on my blog about how this artist is a mixed bag and have been primarily focused on a lot of her bad songs, so how about for a change of pace we look at what is easily the best thing she released pre-2010.

20) Song: Disturbia

      Artist: Rihanna

      Year It Was #1: 2008

          Now here is a true masterpiece. From her beginning, Rihanna showed real promise. From incredibly fun dance songs like Pon de Replay and S.O.S. to ballads like Unfaithful, which are......okay(?), this girl just oozed potential, and it all came to fruition in 2007 when Umbrella was released, and her material took a darker, honestly more awesome turn. I was seriously torn between putting either this or Umbrella on the list, but in the end, this one won out, and for good reason because this song is fucking epic. First off, this beat is goddamn monumental. It's wild yet controlled, dark yet fun, chaotic yet incredibly full of catchy and enjoyable melodies. This is calculated in all of the right ways. Then we have RiRi herself, and her vocals are just on point. Just the right vocal effects come in at just the right time, and she has the perfect balance between haunting and energetic. Lyrically, the foreboding feeling of something lurking in the night and coming to take one over on its own is a clever idea, and to say that the execution was wonderful would be an understatement. This song packs the sort of punch that makes songs like Bad Romance and Everybody (Backstreet's Back) work: being creepy and ominous yet energetic and enjoyable. Oh, and you can't tell me that those "bum bum de bum bum bum de bum bum's" aren't some of the most ear-wormy vocal snippets you've ever heard. Overall, yeah, this song is just a blast to listen to, and it definitely shows what Rihanna is capable of when her, her producers, and her writers put in the effort required to make a good song. Not a lot to say, really. Let's move on.

19

     Oh hey, P!nk's on the list. On top of that, it's pre-2012, post-2000 P!nk. And I have no qualms with that whatsoever.

19) Song: So What

      Artist: P!nk

      Year It Was #1: 2008

     I've always liked P!nk. She had a shaky beginning in 2000 with crap like Most Girls and There You Go, but the moment she hit us with Missundaztood in 2001, she proved that she was a force to be reckoned with, and she remained that way releasing great song after great song, all the way up until 2012 when that streak hit a brick wall with The Truth About Love. This is definitely a highlight of that streak. So What is considered P!nk's best single to date by so many people, and it's not hard to see why. For starters, the instrumentation is absolutely incredible. The jagged guitar riff and stomping backing drums make for this really awesome feel, and they complement P!nk's rougher vocal tones extraordinarily well. And have I ever mentioned how great P!nk is at emoting? I swear, at least 99.9% of the time, her performance is just raw, unfiltered, and full of raw, unfettered feeling. If she's happy, you'll know she's happy. If she's heartbroken, you'll know she's heartbroken. If she's furious, you'll know she's furi-I think you get the point here. Here, she's a combination of the latter two. She's dealing with the emotional baggage while at the same time trying to convince the audience that she's doing just fine without him whilst completely eviscerating how much of a terrible partner he was to her. For the most part, she starts out pretty convincing in all her anger and frustration, but as the song goes on and she constantly repeats how so over him she says she is as well as how fragile her voice gets toward the end, she subtly reveals that she secretly still is thinking about him and all the hurt and frustration he put her through. Therein lies the genius, though: unlike most other songs where this would be a problem because of how unconvincing the whole "I'm not thinking about you" attitude would be *cough*Sam Hunt*cough*, the fact that it's unconvincing is the point of this song. It's a song about how she puts on this front and acts like she's okay, but really, she isn't, and she desperately wants us to see that, and that is just brilliant. Fantastic song, how she makes more like thi......oh, that's right she later went on to make this:

and this:

and...ugh...this:

 and......uuuuuuuggggghhhhh.........this:

OH GOD FUCKING DAMMI-

18

     We all have songs we consider "forgotten gems." Case & point:

18) Song: Stutter

      Artist: Joe feat. Mystikal

      Year It Was #1: 2001

     For the uninitiated, this is Joe, an R&B singer from the late 90s and early 2000s who's material I would classify, for the most part, as being good but not great. Much like Alicia Keys, a lot of his stuff is passable without really sticking in the brain all that well. Unlike Alicia Keys, however, he doesn't really have a dud like No One or Girl On Fire, or at least not in terms of the singles he's been on that have made year-end lists, and this song right here, the Double Take remix of Stutter, is absolutely incredible. One thing Joe has always had a knack for was singing with a lot of passion and making you buy in to the emotions he's trying to sell, and here is no different. In this song, he can tell his girl has been cheating on him through various details laden throughout the song: she isn't answering her phone, lying about going to the club with her girlfriends, her messed up clothes and makeup, and most importantly, when he questions her about all of this, she hesitates by, what else, stuttering. All of this is pretty damning evidence, and Joe could've easily made this song go downhill by needlessly and mercilessly berating and slamming her for all she's done and made himself look bad in the situation as well. However, he doesn't go that route and instead opts for a more emotionally torn performance where he expresses his frustration and disappointment in someone he really did think he could trust. See, this is why songs like this work in spades and songs like Mentirosa fail miserably. In the latter, yes, the girl was in the wrong in that song as well, but Mellow Man Ace thoughout the song made himself look like a braying jackass and turned the whole thing into just a completely ugly mess, not to mention the outright slut shaming and sexism present all throughout that song. Joe, meanwhile, exasperation and despondency caused by the affair he found out she was having, and it makes it a lot more easier to sympathize with him. Oh, and of course we have Mystikal, who let me just say absolutely kills it with his visceral energy and ferociousness to counterbalance Joe's more sorrowful take on things, and keep in mind, this is coming from someone who can't stand Shake Ya Ass. And even on top of all of this, the production is the real standout here. The hollow synths, the weird synthesized breathing noises at the beginning, the tapping percussion, the slick, bouncy bassline, the sweeping strings, it all adds to the tension and frustration of the situation surprisingly well. So yeah, more people need to know about this song. It's excellent.

 17

     Usher. Just......Usher. He's awesome, what else is there to say? And this is easily one of his best hits to date.

17) Song: Confessions Pt. II

      Artist: Usher

      Year It Was #1: 2004

               Look, there's no way around it: Usher is an R&B legend, and for good reason. His voice is strong, melodic, and can easily encapsulate whatever the song calls for, or at least most of the time. And sure, he's had his duds like Love In This Club, OMG, and Hey Daddy (Daddy's Home) [oh boy, do I hope to tear that creepy piece of shit apart one day], but he's usually able to bounce back from it *insert Big Sean pun here*. Confessions Pt. II is a prime example of all of this. The story of this song is that Usher messed around and cheated on his girl when he knew he shouldn't have, got his sidechick preggers, and is now faced with the dilemma of what to do. If he tells his current gf, he'll have to endure her wrath as well as her complete loss of trust in him. On the other hand, if he keeps it on the low, the risk of her finding out much later will become even greater, and her reaction could be way worse. Either way, he's screwed, and throughout the song, he has this constant moment of "holy shit, what the fuck have I done?" It's pretty haunting, actually, and Mr. Raymond here absolutely sells it with his vocals, especially that falsetto, which is just absolutely fabulous. All of this is back by a slick guitar line with some stomp and clap percussion that's strong without being too overbearing. Not really much to say here other than it's just a really good listen. Keep up the good work, Ush.

16

     Hey, here's another artist I get to rave about how good he is: Sean Paul.

16) Song: Temperature

      Artist: Sean Paul

      Year It Was #1: 2006

     And we pivot from a depressing R&B song to an upbeat reggae tune. Funny how things work out like that sometimes. I've always liked Sean Paul. He's got a ton of charisma and energy, his voice is pretty much swallowed in Jamaican patois, and while incomprehensibility is usually an issue for me when it comes to singers and/or rappers (see: Rich Homie Quan), Paul just makes it sound so fun and upbeat. Plus, to my knowledge, he hasn't talked about drugging and raping a woman (again, see Rich Homie Quan). In terms of #1's this guy has racked up, Get Busy was a pretty good start for the dude, but for me, it was Temperature that really sold me on this dude. Of course he's having as much fun as he can on this song, and his almost unrecognizable party lyrics, whilst pretty innocuous, are just a blast to hear coming out of his mouth. What really sold me on this song, though, was this beat. Snowcone really outdid himself here. The pounding backbeat, the buzzy synths, the bells, the higher pitched, more warbly synths, if he was aiming to produce something to encapsulate what fun dance-reggae is all about, then he sure as fuck nailed it. And...not really anything left to say. It's just a really fun song. Moving on.

 15

     Hey, look, a Beyoncé song that's actually awesome for a change.

15) Song: Irreplaceable

      Artist: Beyoncé

      Year It Was #1: 2006-2007

     Look, I know I've come down really hard on Queen Bey in the past, but honestly, can you really blame me? She has so much talent, and yet she constantly chooses to squander it, so whenever she does decide to actually use the talent she has, you have no idea how relieving I find it. It's why I enjoy songs like Deja Vu, Love On Top, Halo, Sweet Dreams, pretty much the entirety of Lemonade, another song we'll get to later on, and this song right here, Irreplaceable. This song is another one of Beyoncé's song where she's tearing some guy who did her wrong down, and I'll admit, I would've liked to have seen some detail in the writing as to what exactly he did to cause her to have such a visceral reaction, but to be frank, unlike other songs where that's the case, hell, even other Beyoncé songs where this is the case, I can easily look past it because she just sounds so convincing in her performance and how much of a jerk this guy really was. He was trash to her in the relationship and thinks he can find pretty much anyone just like her in an instant, when in reality, the reverse is true, and she can find plenty more guys who are better whereas with her, he doesn't know what he just screwed up an opportunity with. In any other case, I would find this totally obnoxious, but here, I find Bey more confident and assertive than obnoxious and bitchy. Her voice is just so rich, and the way she just dominates with her presence is really something. It also helps that the backing instrumentation is marvelous. The textured acoustic guitar, the tapping 808, the strings, it's simple yet incredibly effective. If we're looking for an example of the type of Beyoncé song I am more inclined to like, then we found it right here.

  

14

     And now for some funk from an R&B goddess.

14) Song: Family Affair

      Artist: Mary J. Blige

      Year It Was #1: 2001

          Man, there is a lot of R&B on this list, isn't there? Anyway, we come to yet another great in the genre: Mary J. Blige.........what is there to say about her? She's Mary J. fucking Blige. Just listening to any one of her songs will tell you that she is fucking awesome. She's usually saddled with some fantastic production, her voice is just incredibly rich with an extraordinary range in both the notes she can hit as well as the variety of emotions she is able to sell, this gal is just straight up magnificent, and Family Affair is no different. The beat is this pulsing, repeating melody that is incredibly solid with its structure with a few whooshing synths added in to add some pizzazz, and when Mary J. says to get up and dance and leave my worries behind, that's what I do. Hell, even when she's saying a nonsense word like "hateration," she still sounds awesome. Yeah, this one's gonna be incredibly short. All you need to do is listen to the song to see what all the buzz is about about it.

13

     And now, an inspirational anthem. Don't worry, it's a good one this time.

13) Song: Live Your Life

      Artist: T.I. feat. Rihanna

      Year It Was #1: 2008

     If there is one type of song that is prone to getting a lot of flak when it comes to music criticism is the empowerment anthem. Now, I've come to the defense of this particular type of music more than my fair share of times, but it's not like I don't see why this particular archetype has been slammed so hard. Often times, they just come off as dreary, dead, cliche, and have absolutely no reason to exist, and this occurs even when they try to be happy. Hell, even Fight Song, a song I vehemently defended in my best hits of 2015 list a long time ago soured really hard on me for that exact reason. This, however, is one of the few songs that breaks out of the doldrums and doesn't have that issue because this song is just grand. It's explosive and gigantic with those strong horns, explosive synths, and bombastic percussion. It all just has so much swell and energy. It's an empowerment anthem that remembered that part of that word is, well, power. On top of that, we have two fantastic performers. Now, I like T.I. His flows and beats are usually great, but he does tend to lean a little heavy on being braggadocios. Not that there's anything wrong with that, he's usually pretty good with it (key word usually), but I dunno, it gets a little tiring after a while, y'know? Thankfully, he breaks out of that to bring us one of his best songs in ages. Here, he's rapping about coming up from nothing and reminding the audience that no matter who may try to hold them down, they can do anything they set their mind to. A bit platitudinous, to be sure, but not only does Tip have the swagger and personality to pull it off, which is complimented by a memorable and inspiring chorus from Rihanna (hi again, RiRi), but he provides examples of what people have said about him and the things they've tried to do to stifle him, and that he still came out victorious in spite of all of that, pretty much telling anyone listening to the song that if he can be successful in the face of adversity, then they can, too. Now, that's pretty touching. All in all, it's a great song, definitely deserved to be as big as it was.

12

     Yay, I get to talk about Coldplay again.

12) Song: Viva La Vida

      Artist: Coldplay

      Year It Was #1: 2008

     Be honest with yourself, did you really not see this coming. Don't kid yourself, of course you did. I've already talked about how great Coldplay are in my best hits of 2016 list, and I stand by everything I said about them, and yeah, this is definitely in their upper echelon of great hit songs if not their very best. This is just a song that just feels so.........big. It has so much swell, so much power, it's very much larger than life. The sweeping strings, the pounding drums, the subtle keys, strong bass, all of it combined with Chris Martin's absolutely magnificent vocals create this overwhelming atmosphere that just takes you in, never lets go, and believe me, you will never ever want it to. This epic sounding music also matches the lyrics perfectly. It sounds like something from a medieval period in time, and the content is a narrative about a king's fall from power, where he once was and where he is now. It's a bit of an odd thing to write about, but it works here, and the writing doesn't come off as too kitschy, overly preachy, or puke inducing. It just sounds so grandiose, and really, what better was is there to describe this song? It's just straight up awesome.

     

    11

     And now, it's time we pay our respects to a female R&B legend who, unfortunately, was taken from us far, far too soon.

11) Song: Try Again

      Artist: Aaliyah

      Year It Was #1: 2000

      Ooh, this one hurts a lot. Aaliyah was so talented. She was a pop music prodigy with a fantastic voice and just so much to offer. Why the hell did you have to take her from us via plane crash in 2001, you cruel, unforgiving world? But yeah, Aaliyah was great, and this song right here, unquestionably her biggest hit to date, is no exception. Everything about this song just falls exactly into the place it needs to be. The thin and tinny underlying synth that still manages to be prominent and catchy as all fuck, the pitter-pattering percussion that adds to the groove and the little sweeping effects that were added to it that honestly sound great, the more futuristic, warbling synths, it all just sounds so excellent. Timbaland really did do a great job here, and this isn't even his best work (and yes, that is foreshadowing). Aaliyah rocks it here. Her voice is sexy and seductive yet poised and reassuring, which of course fits great with the lyrical content of the song. It's basically saying that if you're unsure of yourself and your ability to find true love, just make sure to be the best at all you can possibly be and not to worry if you strike out on the first go. If you're constantly working to improve yourself as a person and be yourself, then eventually you will find someone who not only loves you, but loves you for who you are. It's a really touching message, and it works strangely well with this uptempo beat that has so much groove and edge to it. Man, it really is a shame Aaliyah was taken from us far too soon. She had so much to offer, and so much potential to be better than how already great she was. And do I even need to mention how chilling that spoken word bit at the beginning is?

"It's been a long time

we shouldn't've left you

without a dope beet to step to"

 

     Time to finish this part off with a few honorable mentions.

HM1) Song: What A Girl Wants

           Artist: Christina Aguilera

           Year It Was #1: 2000

A surprisingly solid song with some great production, a controlled vocal performance, and refreshing lyrics about being genuinely happy and thanking the guy for pleasing her in the relationship without it feeling like he's being controlled by her in any way. Good job, Christina.




HM2) Song: It's Gonna Be Me
           Artist: *NSYNC
           Year It Was #1: 2000

*NSYNC are a pretty mixed bag in terms of overall quality, but there's no way around it, their only number one hit is easily their best song to date.

HM3) Song: Independent Women Pt. I

           Artist: Destiny's Child

           Year It Was #1: 2000-2001

An incredibly fun and energetic song celebrating independence and self reliance. Yeah, I can get down with this.

HM4) Song: All For You

           Artist: Janet Jackson

           Year It Was #1: 2001

Yet another groove filled song from the king of pop's sister. Enough said.

HM5) Song: The Way You Move

           Artist: OutKast feat. Sleepy Brown

           Year It Was #1: 2004

Yes, Ethan, I, too, like to have some fun every now and then. As great as Hey Ya is, though, I've always preferred The Way Move for some reason, though. I dunno, personal preference, I guess.

HM6) Song: A Moment Like This
           Artist: Kelly Clarkson
           Year It Was #1: 2002

 Y'know what, fuck it. Not everything that came out of American Idol was bad, and the fact that this was the very first victory single to come out of that show is simply astounding, cuz wow, this is amazing. An absolutely gorgeous, sweeping arrangement, strong vocals from pop powerhouse Kelly Clarkson, and lyrics from an uplifting love song that are *gasp* actually uplifting. A novel concept, I know. Consider this the unofficial #21.


And that about does it for this part. See you in the backhalf of this list.

Top 20 Worst Number One Hits Of The 2000s (Part 2)

     Well, now that we've gotten the first half of this shindig over with, time to resume where we left off.

10

     Nelly, dude, what the hell happened here?

10) Song: Dilemma

      Artist: Nelly feat. Kelly Rowland

      Year It Was #1: 2002

     Look, I like Nelly, and most days, I would defend his music, but even in his early days, he had his low points, and this, unfortunately is one of them. God, I can't believe I used to like this song. Everything about this song's production and vocals may seem fine on the surface, but trust me, it gets really stale really fast. The mix of muted and twinkly keys, the subtly tapping percussion, the weird echo effects that make the melodies in the production uncomfortable as hell, the sing-songy vocal patter that gets really annoying really fast, especially on the chorus, all of these flaws are pretty minor, but believe me, they add up and fast. But above all, what really bugs me about this song is the content. Now, there have been plenty "I can steal yo girl" songs done by R&B and hip hop stars in the past, and suffice to say that unless the production and/or lyrical content are captivating/enjoyable enough to forgive that, I'm generally not a fan of these songs one scintilla. However, not only does this song not do either of those things, but it goes the extra mile by placing Kelly in the role of someone who is already married and has a kid, and then here comes Nelly to try and steal her away from what is not only presumed but is explicitly stated in the song how happy she is to have such a family, and here's Nelly over here having a "dilemma" of whether or not to steal her from a life that she's quite comfortable in and loves a lot. Hmm, gee, I wonder what the right thing to do would be. -_-  Oh, and let's not forget the gem of a line "cuz I, I never been the type to break up a happy home."

     And then we have Kelly, who's just willing to go along with the whole thing because.........carrot. It's never explained. She just does it with no heed to the consequences. And then Nelly directly says that he's going to later leave her, thus leaving her to single parent-dom given that he stole her away from the husband that she was already with, all the while Rowland just acts completely oblivious to the entire thing and I'm sorry, but do I even need to explain what's wrong with this picture? If this were framed as something that shouldn't be done but is done anyway as an "in the moment" rush type of thing with production that had more punch or a tightly controlled groove, then this might've worked. But no, it's cutesy, childish, and although the song is called Dilemma, we're given no evidence that anything even close to something like that is happening. It's framed as though something like this is a cool thing to do, and that just really rubs me the wrong way in nearly every sense possible. Talk about wasted potential.

9

     Did I mention that Ja Rule is, like, the worst? Because he kinda is.

9) Song: Always On Time

    Artist: Ja Rule feat. Ashanti

    Year It Was #1: 2002

     Okay, real talk, who here actually likes (or even at one point liked) Ja Rule? Seriously, of all the 2Pac ripoffs, we made this guy infinitely more popular than DMX despite the fact that DMX has way more talent than Ja Rule had outside of that one verse he did on Can I Get A... by Jay-Z. His voice is rough but with nothing to counter how incredibly loud and irksome his voice is. On top of that, his main cash grab was the "thugz need luv, 2" song, a subgenre that has almost never worked. I mean, at best, we get songs like Trap Queen, 679, and best yet by a mile, I'll Be There For You/You're All I Need To Get By. However, at worst, we get bottom of the barrel shit like this. The "hardcore gangsta shit for the fellas yet talkin' 'bout luv fo' da hunnies" style of lyricism has almost always failed due to the blatantly obvious and stark contrast between the two ends of the spectrum, and they constantly clash whenever any attempt to bring them together is made, so it's no surprised that Mr. Rule over here has always settled for the worst possible combo of the two, and if this isn't the worst possible song in that category, then man, has it got some stiff competition. Apart from Ja Rule's ear splitting singing and flow, his lyricism is just all over the place and in all the wrong areas. It's a song where he clearly has shown no remorse or care for anything he's done to his girl, but still wants her to stay with her because love is about pain and struggle and they've been through worse together and blah blah blah, put a fuckin' sock in it, asshole. Look, I don't care how rich and famous you are, if you are a disrespectful prickhead in a relationship, you're not gonna gain any sympathy or emotional points for me if you don't show any genuine remorse for what you did, and hell, given the severity of some things that try to get justified in certain songs, not even that works sometimes, and man, Ja doesn't even try here. There's also the apparent restraining order between him and his girl, which, yeah, you are not making yourself look any better there, buddy. Shit, even though I'm not that on board with her scratching up his car and tearing up the seats inside, I have no other option to believe that it was probably a justifiable response to something he did to her. In any other song, I'd look at that and say the girl was in the wrong, but no, I'm closer to siding with the vandal girlfriend on this one. Then there's Ja casually calling his girl derogatory slurs like "bitch" and "ho" as if it's nothing, showing his valuing of material objects over anything having to do with the relationship he's in, talking about how he has two or three side chicks for every car he owns and how he intoxicates other girls with drugs so he can have sex with them and yeah, it's not hard to see how this is a song about a relationship between a pimp and one of his girls. A really infuriatingly emotionally manipulative song about a relationship between a pimp (who we can add being a rapist on to that list) and one of his girls. I will admit that I do enjoy how slick the beat is as well as Ashanti's chorus being excellent (vocally, that is, seriously, she really is the saving grace of this song), and in any other song, they would've been enjoyable, but I said it before and I'll say it again: Ja Rule = the absolute worst.

8

     Y'know, I think I may break a few hearts when I say that I kinda like Run It! by Chris Brown. I dunno, I just find it really fun, upbeat, energetic, catchy, just a pretty good, even if admittedly stupid song. So yeah, Run It!, it's safe from this list. Oh, did you think that meant Chris Brown was safe from this list altogether? Slap yoself with both hands and yo feet right now.

8) Song: Kiss Kiss

    Artist: Chris Brown feat. T-Pain

    Year It Was #1: 2007

     Look, not gonna lie, before a certain... incident took place in 2009, I thought this guy's music was, at the very least, pretty tolerable, but Gimme That was just plain awful, and in many, many times worse. First off, that intro with the radio station-esque introduction that nobody in their right mind wanted, what the hell was up with that? It was just so unnecessary. It added nothing to a song, and if it was trying to start some sort of trend, it failed miserably, and thank god for that. I'm not gonna spend too much time on the lyrical content because there really isn't that much to say about it, but I will be brief: it's Chris Brown and T-Pain trying to pick up chicks by bragging about how cool they are in the lamest, most juvenile and flat out humiliating ways possible. I mean, seriously, McDonald's, T-Pain? Really? But what really places this song so high and sets my teeth on edge is just how godawful the production and vocals are. Every single element of this song's composition clashes so severely with one another that the end result is just one gigantic pileup of nothing but garbage. The generic, formless percussion, the warped guitar line that is way too light for a song of this caliber, the flat synths, strings that were obviously just tacked on and serve no purpose whatsoever, it's all just so unbearable. And then there's the vocals, and I'll be damned if this isn't Chris Brown's worst vocal performances to date. His voice is just lathered in so much autotune that it makes him sound just so robotic and ear-piercing. He even manages to out-autotune T-Pain on this song, who, oddly enough, doesn't have any autotune on his voice on this song. Oh, and speaking of S-Opposite-of-Pleasure, he usually sounds pretty great, but unfortunately, he went the Fergie route (believe me, we'll be talking about her again later on) for this song and put the most obnoxious inflections on his voice possible here. Seriously, that chorus is just so mocking and childish, it sounds like some sort of middle school type of taunt, and don't even get me started on his rapping. Seriously, between the call and response parts, the squeaky, breathy parts that just sound screechy and awkward, and the "ooh-WEE" part at the end is just pathetic. Terrible song all around, and any hope that Brown would get better was short lived with With You, Forever, and No Air in 2008 and utterly decimated after 2009. Yippee.

7

     I'm sorry, Rodrigo.

Song: Whatcha Say

Artist: Jason DeRulo

Year It Was #1: 2009

     Look, I've stated multiple times on here that I like a good portion of and am willing to defend Jason DeRulo's music, but this is one instance where that is not the case at all. For one thing, oddly fitting yet completely misused Imogen Heap sample with an unnecessary stutter effect aside, this production is terrible. The flat, buzzy synth, the dull horn injections, the bass that's buried way too low in the mix yet somehow way too high at the same time, the glittery, incoherent, twinkling melody in the chorus that's just totally formless, the thudding, one note piano, percussion that's okay at best, it all just culminates into a gigantic ball of loud, annoying noise. Then there's DeRulo himself, who not only is covered in autotune, but pretty much is the autotune, and while it sounds good on some of his other songs, it just does not here. Let me put it to you this way: a goat remix wouldn't be needed because there's already one singing it. But what puts this song up so high, apart from all of that, is, what else, the lyrics. Essentially, it's a guy trying to apologize to his girl after he cheated on her. Except it isn't. It's actually a song where DeRulo cheats on his girl, doesn't feel a morsel of remorse for it, but still tries to convince the girl in question to stay with him because he "misses her" and without her, "things ain't right" (seriously, this must be the 80s because gag me with a spoon). It just comes across as so cheap and disingenuous, not to mention dickish as all fuck. Oh, and the fact that he outright says that he's gonna try to buy her love back is not only pointless as all hell given that the chances of it working are incredibly low, but even if it did work, it'd be incredibly infuriating given that it wouldn't exactly make her out to be the best person to be in a relationship either, and that is just sad, which we thankfully get no indication of in the song. Not really much more to say, this song just really fucking blows. Next.

6

     And Beyoncé disappoints. Again. And this time, it's with the group she used to be a part of. Whoopee.

Song: Bootylicious

Artist: Destiny's Child

Year It Was #1: 2000

     Destiny's Child were a mixed bag, to say the least. On the one hand, you get great songs like Survivor, Say My Name, Independent Women, and Lose My Breath. On the other, you get trash like Bug A Boo, Soldier, Cater 2 U, Bills, Bills, Bills, and the one on the table today, Bootylicious. I can't believe there used to be a point in time where I liked this song. There really is nothing redeemable about this apart from maybe the vocals, and even then, they have an extraneous amount of effects piled on to them that make them sound way less organic than they should. Normally, arrogance is something that can be forgiven if the performers have enough charisma and personality, or at the very least tolerable enough production to excuse it. Hell, look at Uptown Funk, the quintessential song about being arrogant and bragging about how awesome you are yet still maintaining a likable personality whilst doing so. However, if you just come off as overbearing and obnoxious, that shit's gonna become insufferable, and fast, and that's exactly what happens here. Beyoncé, Kelly, uh......*does Google search*......Michelle, we get it, you girls have attractive bodies and big butts. Whoopdee-freakin'-doo, do ya want a cookie or something? And the production? Pfft. That shit was dead on arrival. It jacks the guitar line from Edge Of Seventeen by Stevie Nicks, but removes everything else that made that song interesting (or, y'know, good), and instead, it gets paired with some of the stiffest, most overprocessed drum machines I've ever heard as well as these intrusive, off kilter horn injections during the chorus that do not sound good in the slightest. Still, even with hating this song enough for it to land this high, there's at least one thing I can say about it: at least it has the decency to frame the guy in question as actually having been a womanizing asshole instead of having not even done anything but tried to talk to her and isn't as dumb as I think you know where I'm going with this.

 Cancer.

5

     For fucks sake, Nelly, I'm trying to like you here, dude. C'mon.

Song: Grillz

Artist: Nelly feat. Paul Wall & Gipp

Year It Was #1: 2006

     I swear to the heavens, I really do like Nelly's music, but between this, Dilemma, Shake Ya Tailfeather, and Air Force Ones among others, he sure does make it hard to justify being a fan of his. Alright, let's see what we're dealing with this time. For starters, this production is egregious. It tries to have some sort of energy and life but winds up being way too punchy, and drowns everything else out, save for Nelly's vocals on the chorus. This wouldn't be a problem, honestly, if it wasn't composed of nothing more than a few jagged, unpleasant synthtones, one of which sounds way worse than the other, some out of place bells, and barely there tapping percussion. None of meshes well, and it is incredibly grating to the ears. Then there's the performers. Nelly, you're a sing-rapper. Who told you actual rapping was a good idea? Because yeah, you're not very good at it. Seriously, this guy's flow is just non-existent. To be fair, though, at least Nelly has some energy, which is not something I can say about either Paul Wall or Ali & Gipp. All three of these guys have the non-existent flow that Nelly does, but in their cases, they're all mumbly, incomprehensible, and it's entirely obvious how phoned in their performances are. Then we come to the lyrics, and this may just be a nitpick of  mine, but what is the point of having a Grill anyway? Not the kind that cooks food, I know what that one's purpose is (heck, I just said it), no, I mean the jewelry piece that goes in one's mouth over their teeth. I know the point of being a glitz and glam rapper is bragging about being able to afford as many pointless accessories for your clothes, car, and other flashy things as well, but just because you can get them doesn't necessarily mean that you should, and a jewelry piece that you have to open your mouth to flash and I imagine cannot be comfortable to wear is a prime example of what I'm talking about. There's also the girl on the chorus asking in the most irritating way to see it. Nothing more needs to be said about that, moving on. Oh, and of course, Nelly robbed the jewelry store and forced the people in there to make him the one he has. Isn't glorifying violence fun, kids? Yeah, this is the most pointless rap song of the entire decade, and if it didn't sound so abysmal, it wouldn't be up so high, but it does, and so it is.

4

     Ah, if only this song were only one measly spot higher. Oh, the irony that would ensue.

4) Song: 3

    Artist: Britney Spears

    Year It Hit #1: 2009

     Y'know, I never hated Britney Spears that much when she began. From Oops...I Did It Again, ...Baby One More Time, Lucky, Sometimes, Toxic, I'm A Slave 4 U, all great songs. And then 2007 happened, and it was all downhill from there, and I think we all know why. I wanted to put Womanizer on this list given that it was the first ever Britney Spears song that I heard that I just could not stand and still can't to this day, but then it occurred to me: could I justifiably put that song on the list if all that made me hate it were the awful synths and unbearably repetitive hook, and was it really bad enough to make the top 20? Eventually, the answer to both of those questions became no given that there were at least 20 songs I hated more and there were aspects of the song that I did like, admittedly, even if I hated the final product altogether. Unfortunately, that doesn't save Britney from the list entirely as her second post-breakdown #1 hit has exactly no features to it that I like or even remotely tolerate. Everything about 3 makes my skin crawl. Britney's overreliance on the inflections she uses in nearly every line as well as the vocal effects slathered all over her voice not only sounds like complete and utter ass, but it garbles half of what she says to the point of total incomprehensibility. She tries to sound all cutesy and innocent, but it just does not work at all, especially not when the song is apparently supposed to be this raunchy song about having an orgy (which it fails disastrously at, for the record) and clashes horribly with this production. Speaking of that production, yeah, to say it's really bad would be a massive understatement. Seriously, none of these synthtones are good in the slightest. They're all so loud, blaring, abrasive, tuneless, overproduced, they all sound like they're trying to cut the listener's eardrums apart bit by bit, and given how set it is against this percussion that's practically nonexistent, it makes it more aggressive and in your face, which is just not something that should happen. As for lyrics, it tries to be a song that turns people on, but it only winds up doing the opposite by confusing being sexy for being sexual. In trying to be both a club jam and a sex anthem, it failed disastrously at being both. Finally, I wanna address the Peter, Paul, & Mary line. Look, I know how offensive this must come off to people who might've listened to their music growing up or are just fans of them in general. That being said, I really don't think Britney had any ill will in mind when singing that line in the song. And the fact that this song became a hit not long after Mary died I would chalk up to nothing more than poor timing, really. Granted, the line still sucks given that it has nothing to do with the trio in question's music, and its only similarity with a three-way is that both have three people in them, which is incredibly lazy and had no thought put into it whatsoever. In conclusion, this song is a gigantic clusterfuck that has no need for existing.

3

     Speaking of irony, the title of this next song.

3) Song: Music

    Artist: Madonna

     Year It Was #1: 2000

     It pains me to have to put a Madonna song on the list, but even she has had her duds, and given that this is one of the songs she had chart, let alone reach the top, after she essentially became a washed up has-been, barring Bitch, I'm Madonna, this is by far the worst thing she's ever put out. Once again, to explain why this song doesn't work, I'm gonna throw it over to my main man B-Hop.

"You know? For a song called Music, I have yet to find anything in this song that actually resembled music. This production is awful, it’s nothing but noise. The drums are stilted and the synths are off-key and grating to the ears. Listening to this song is like a million migraines at once. This song has no melody, no rhythm, and no structure. If this song was a building, it would be the most beat-up, unstable, uninhabitable building ever covered in yellow tape. Madonna is just phoning it in as she sings about nothing. As a party song, it doesn’t work. Nothing about it feels natural and if I were to hear it at an actual party, I would fucking leave after punching the DJ."

Once again, thank you, B-Hop. Have I mentioned that that guy is awesome? Because he is.

2

     Alright, time to rip off the band aid.

Song: London Bridge
Artist: Fergie
Year It Was #1: 2006

     Yeah, you know you all saw this coming. Hell, I bet you guys are all wondering what the fuck could possibly have beat this out. Regardless, it bares repeating that London Bridge is shiiiiiiiiit. I swear, I really do hate everything about this song. The clattery percussion, the obnoxious, tuneless horns that quite literally sound like the incarnation of being beaten to death by drunken, psychotic clowns, the irritating inflections that Fergie uses to sound as fucking obnoxious as possible, the background chants of  "oh shit," the all over the place lyrics that bash paparazzi, brag about how awesome she is, talk about being in the club, none of which is done convincingly, it's all just one gigantic, irritating mess. I seriously wanted this song to be number one, but this is an honest list, and while this song is dreadful in every conceivable way, there's still one song left that gets me more pissed off than this one.

And finally, before we get to number one, the last of the dishonorable mentions:

DHM5) Song: Glamorous

              Artist: Fergie feat. Ludacris

              Year It Was #1: 2007

     Oh, hello again, Fergie. I can't seem to escape you, can I? To be fair, the beat is actually pretty decent, Fergie's singing is actually pretty good, and Ludacris' verse is surprisingly well put together, but I'm sorry, but just no. Fergie, not a single thing listed in this song is glamorous, and the "if you ain't got no money, take yo broke ass home" parts are just obnoxious as fuck.

DHM6) Song: This Is Why I'm Hot

              Artist: Mims

              Year It Was #1: 2007

Flat, monotonous beat, limp rapping, repetitive hook with terrible vocal layering, and no, Mims, you guys are not hot, nor will you ever be. Moving on.

DHM7) Song: Touch My Body

              Artist: Mariah Carey

              Year It Was #1: 2008

     Yikes, Mariah, this is a career low even for you.

DHM8) Song: Womanizer

              Artist: Britney Spears

              Year It Was #1: 2008

Hey, I never said it couldn't wind up in this section. A decent groove, tolerable vocals, and a lyrical idea that's actually pretty great all ruined by some truly egregious synthwork and an unbearably repetitive hook.

Alright, you guys ready?

1

     Alright, I know I've said some pretty negative things throughout this list and displayed a lot of factors that piss me off (awful production, terrible lyricism, vocals that grate on my nerves, etc.), but if you really, and I mean really wanna get on my bad side, then the easiest way to do that is to actively make my skin crawl. I don't just mean the expression, either, no, you literally have to make it feel like bugs are crawling under my skin, leaving behind a very uncomfortable sensation that's difficult as fuck to get rid of. And the easiest way to do that is to creep me the hell out. Well, congrats, Akon, you did it, motherfucker. I hope you're proud of yourself.

1) Song: I Wanna Fuck You

    Artist: Akon feat. Snoop Dogg

    Year It Was #1: 2006

Do not be deceived, ladies and germs, this man and song are creepy as shit.

     HuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaAAAAAAAGH!

     Nope, nope, I can't quit now. I've come too far. I swear, I can do this, just give me a sec.

*takes deep breath* Okay, let's do this.

     Look, I don't hate Akon. Like a few other artists on this list, he's actually someone who has a decent chunk of songs I'd actually be willing to defend. Don't get me wrong, though, between this, Smack That, and Sexy Bitch, I can definitely see why one would hate him. His singing is weak, he has little to no charisma or personality, and when he tries to act like a sex god that all the girls just clamor for, it just becomes straight up painful. This, quite obviously, is the worst example of that last thing. There is not a single second in this song that passes where I don't feel like I'm either ready to jump out of my skin or Akon or Snoop's penis is about to penetrate me without me giving proper consent. The twinkling, lifeless, music box instrumentation sounds incredibly juvenile, which does not help its case, the bass is essentially screaming "BEND OVER AND TAKE IT, YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!!!", the percussion has no pattern aside from the six awkward pats it does near the end of each measure, and the whole thing is the musical embodiment of having consumed a drink with a roofie in it, feeling the effects, and all you can think to yourself is "I don't know what's about to happen, all I know is that it ain't gonna be pleasant for me at all." The way Akon sings is not only vibrantly grating, but also pretty much reaffirms how much of a predator he sounds like, so it's not helping him there. Snoop's verse is incredibly gross. It's not his worst or even his most disgusting given the verse he did for Wiggle, but holy shit, is it up there. His flow is decent, I guess, but seriously, he is just not given anything good to work with. But worst of all has got to be the lyrics, no question about it. Essentially, this song is about seeing a stripper at a club, but instead of being a polite gentleman about it, he just walks up to her and says "hey, baby, let's fuck." I'm sure in these guys' heads, they're so cool, they could say anything and the panties would drop immediately, but in reality, if they tried doing something like that, I'd like to think that the woman would not only throw her drink in his face and smack him, but she would smash the glass over his head, thus making his head bleed from the shards, and proceed to continuously kick him in the ribs until he started spitting up blood. And then there's the line of how she "already knows" when told that Akon would like to give her a good dicking, and wow, TheDoubleAgent was not kidding when he said that line was both redundant and fucking creepy. It all just feels so rapey, so threatening, so not what it was going for and honestly should've never been thought of being made in the first place.

And we are finally done with the worst list. But our quest isn't over, my friends, for not very long from now, we shall look at the other side of this coin and explore my top 20 favorite number one songs of the 2000s. Until then, take care.