Sunday, December 20, 2015

Top 30 Best Hit Songs Of 2015

Well, now that we've gotten rid of the crap, let's dive in to the awesomeness. Like I said last time, 2015 was incredibly superb for music, and I actually had to expand my list to get all that I wanted to make the list on here. So much so, in fact, that this is be my largest list to date. So, let's not waste any time, let's get to that shortened list of honorable mentions (there's 30 songs on the main list, I'm not putting too many songs that didn't make the list here).




HM1) Song: Lay Me Down
           Artist: Sam Smith
           Year-End Position: 81


I like Sam Smith okay, but he's never really been someone I've found all that impressive. This song, however, is exactly that: impressive. The softer piano line and moving string section go wonderfully with Sam Smith's on-the-verge-of-tears vocal delivery, and both of those things culminate extraordinarily with the lyrics depicting the pain of missing someone and having such an emotional connection to that person that it feels like you're about to have a heart attack when they're not with you. Not really a lot to say here. It's just an incredibly sweeping song with beautiful orchestration, powerful vocals, great lyrics, and if you haven't heard it yet, I highly recommend doing so.




HM2) Song: Lips Are Movin'
           Artist: Meghan Trainor
           Year-End Position: 22


No beating around the bush, this song is just buttloads of fun. Seriously, there is so much energy and groove to this that it's hard for me not to jam out to this. Most of this has to do with the instrumentation with its bouncy bassline, minor interjections of some pretty funky horn, light piano keys, all of which is balanced really well with the percussion that is just the right weight for this sort of song. Trainor sounds amazing on this song. Her vocals are incredibly strong, and while she is usually criticized heavily for her rapping, she's actually able to keep a pretty solid flow here. As for the lyrics, there's not much detail as to how this guy played her, but it's not played so callously that Meghan acts like he's the worst thing that's ever happened to her. All he did was play with her heart and constantly lie, and for those reasons, she feels the need to break off the relationship. Simple, but surprisingly effective. Sure, it bites a little bit from All About That Bass, but every other element is definitely strong enough to drown that out. Solid track.




HM3) Song: Wildest Dreams
           Artist: Taylor Swift
           Year-End Position: 57


This is Taylor Swift's stab at dreampop, and man, is it breathtaking as ever. The hazy beat offers the experience of being in a dream sequence, and it fits incredibly well with the subject matter of wanting to be with someone even if it only happens in your dreams, and Taylor manages to give a sleepy performance while not sounding bored and still giving great amounts of melody and harmony to her vocals. It's just every synonym for beautiful that there is and then some, and I am so glad that it hit the top ten on Billboard.




HM4) Song: Can't Feel My Face
           Artist: The Weeknd
           Year-End Position: 12


Solid bassline, silly lyrics that aren't mind-numbingly insulting, The Weeknd bringing a lot of charisma and energy to the track, incredibly fun, and funny enough, isn't even the best track off of Beauty Behind The Madness. Seriously, check that album out if you haven't already.




HM5) Song: Back To Back
             Artist: Drake
             Year-End Position: 99


Straight fire with incredible flow, hard hitting punches to Meek Mill's gut with a lot of wit and thought put in to them, a beat that is incredibly full with a dark string section and some solid percussion, and overall just pure energy. 'Nuff said.




HM6) Song: Fight Song
           Artist: Rachel Platten
           Year-End Position: 20

MY! FREAKING! GOD! I've heard just about every reason in the book as to why people hate this. "It's cliche." "It does nothing new." "It's generic." "It's weak." "It's this." "It's that." "It's-"
Like I said earlier this year, generic music can be done right, and this is a prime example of that. Sure, it doesn't exactly rise above the empty platitudes (or should I say......Plattentudes XD........I'll just go sit down now :/ ) of your standard empowerment anthem, but nothing is outright bad about any of them, and the instrumentation and vocals more than make up for what the lyrics lack (speaking of which, the rhyme in the chorus is "fight, life, and alright," not just "song" four times like a lot of people are saying). Platten's vocals are smooth yet show the unease and distress that come with dealing with hardships in life fairly well, and the accompanying arrangement backing her is just spot on. The loud-soft dynamic actually works fairly well and has a really great buildup to it, and the melody of the strings, piano, guitar, and synths as well as the driving force of the percussion on the chorus really make this an incredible and beautiful listen, and I give no fucks what anyone else says.




Alright, now after those nominees, we can get to our long, long list of main attractions.




30) Song: Take Your Time
           Artist: Sam Hunt
           Year-End Position: 45


Oh, I know this pick is gonna raise some eyebrows, but y'know what, I'll say it: Take Your Time by Sam Hunt is a really sweet and genuine song.....no, I'm not just pulling your leg. The instrumentation is lush and has a lot of melody to it, Sam Hunt's half-sung, half-fast talking delivery is actually pretty clever, and they actually play off each other pretty well. Honestly, though, it's the lyrical content that got me to really enjoy this song for what it was. Basically, it's about Hunt wanting to get with this girl who had been through tons of emotional turbulence and, for this one night, wants to make her feel special in order to compensate for the psychological Hell that she'd been through, and honestly, I'd say that he pulls it off pretty well. His lyrics about staving off those trying to mess with her and egg her on even though she clearly isn't interested is actually kind of poignant, and Sam's attitude during the entire ordeal stays fairly likable. On top of that, it's really more of an offer than anything else, and there really isn't anything indicating that Sam Hunt would be all that angry or do anything bad if the girl in question declined. Oh, and I know a lot will make the argument that "oh, he's just trying to get in the girl's pants." Well, then I will point you to the part where he says this:
"Whooooaaaaoaaaaooooaaaa, I don't wanna go home with you
Whooooaaaaoaaaaooooaaaa, I just wanna be alone wtih you"
Those two lines are the real selling point for me. They indicate that he just wants to show her a good time, and that even though there may not be a romantic connection, there's still that of wanting to show some compassion and have the opportunity to do the right thing, and that's gotta count for something, right?




29) Song: Thinking Out Loud
           Artist: Ed Sheeran
           Year-End Position: 2


I said last year that Don't was Ed Sheeran's best single to date, and I still stand by that. Thinking Out Loud, however, is a damn close second with its elegant guitar line, Sheeran's gorgeous vocal delivery, the beautiful piano melody, and every ounce of effort going in to make this song sound as just absolutely ravishing as possible, and the lyrical sentiment of wanting to grow old with someone and showing how much you love them is executed excellently (apart from the "I'll be loving you 'til we're 70" line, of course). There is one line that has always bothered me, though.
"I'll just keep on makin' the saaaaame mistaaaakes
Hopin' that you'll understaaaaaaand"
Um, I thought the point of being in a relationship and growing old with someone would be to learn from one's mistakes and learning new things about love in order to stay with that person, not to just keep on repeating the same ones, learn nothing, and just hope that your partner will be lenient enough to keep on excusing it. Yeah, that line doesn't ruin the song, but it is enough to drag it down quite a bit. Still not enough to keep me from enjoying it, though.




28) Song: Somebody
             Artist: Natalie La Rose feat. Jeremih
             Year-End Position: 41

Damn, this song has an incredible amount of rhythm to it. Seriously, I have listened to this song multiple times throughout this year, and never once have I not been able to withhold myself from dancing to it. The bouncy, elastic beat has a ton of groove and energy to it, Natalie's vocals have a lot of texture and softness to them, Jeremih offers up an incredibly catchy chorus which is easily his best performance to date, the lyrics of just wanting to dance alone with and have fun with one's significant other work incredibly well, and I gotta say, they succeeded pretty well in turning Whitney Houston's I Wanna Dance With Somebody into a club banger. Good job, guys.




27) Song: Locked Away
             Artist: R. City feat. Adam Levine
             Year-End Position: 40


Sugar may have worn a little thin on me after a while (I still like it, but it won't be making this list), but this one was good the first time I heard it and only got better. Man, Adam's vocal performance is just absolutely spot on. I'm definitely in the majority that says this is his best vocal performance to date. Don't get me wrong, I like his falsetto, and very rarely does it ever grate on me (looking at you, Animals), but here, it just shows the magic his lower range can work. R. City themselves are amazing here as well with their crisp, raspy vocals that still contain a lot of crispness and control in them that just add to how fantastic the melodic structure of this song is. Plus, I can really get behind the lyrical sentiment here. It's basically about needing someone to stand by your side through thick and thin, grease and gristle, joyous and emotionally torturous, the whole gambit, and really, is it wrong to want someone like that? If you said yes, what kind of heartless bastard are you? Anyway, the instrumentation definitely helps convey this emotion (as well as generally sound awesome) as it has this subtle percussion-only backbeat during the verses to let R. City show off their amazing vocals as well as this beautiful piano tune that works as both a build up to the chorus and the backing music for the chorus itself, and it meshes perfectly with both R. City and Adam Levine here. So yeah, needless to say, this song is awesome.




26) Song: Girl Crush
             Artist: Little Big Town
             Year-End Position: 63

Now here's a song that stirred up a lot of stupid controversy. No, the song is not actually about a lesbian hookup, and while I do see how one could see the way they make it seem like it is can be exploitative to lull the listener in as exploitative and manipulative, once you look past that, there's actually a lot to like about this song. The smoky production that feels really bluesy yet still maintains the main elements of country music, Karen Fairchild's sultry and emotional vocals that have a lot of emotional weight behind them, and even the narrative here is incredibly likable. It does tackle the issue of jealousy, but unlike Jealous, it keeps the main character possessing the jealous trait very understandable and prevents any snags that would make our main protagonist a controlling or petty bitch. Essentially, the reason for this woman's jealousy boils down to the fact that he left her for another woman because of her looks. Pretty shallow, but the framing here still works a lot, and Karen's not knowing what he sees in the other woman that he doesn't see in her works incredibly and is actually pretty touching. So yeah, looking past its "exploitativeness," pretty good song. Definitely recommend it.




25) Song: Stitches
           Artist: Shawn Mendes
           Year-End Position: 36


Wow, what the hell made everyone turn so hard on this song? It's amazing. The handclap percussion and acoustic texture the song has bounce off of each other incredibly well, Shawn Mendes' tender vocal delivery has a lot of harmony to it, and the lyrics are just straight up wonderful. They're pretty cliched, admittedly, but it's how they take those cliches and work them into a narrative about a guy who's dealing with being torn emotionally about how he should move on from the girl who he initially fell in love with that is now causing him constant pain and suffering as well as being incredibly confused as to why he still loves her after all the torment she's caused him. He knows he has to move on and fast, or there will be some long term detrimental effects in store for him in the future. Also, on an unrelated note, Shawn Mendes is incredibly hot. Seriously, I'd make out with that, you would, too, and you know it.




24) Song: The Heart Wants What It Wants
             Artist: Selena Gomez
             Year-End Position: 62


This is, hands down, without a shadow of a doubt, Selena Gomez's best single to date. The pure amounts of emotion exuded by Gomez here is unreal. Seriously, you can hear her about to break down and just start uncontrollably sobbing, and it really does tug at the heartstrings. The somber feel of the instrumentation works immensely with the theme of wanting to move on from the heartbreaker who did her wrong but her heart not wanting to let go of the emotional connection her and the guy had. It's just.......oh goddammit, where are my tissues?




23) Song: Chains
           Artist: Nick Jonas
           Year-End Position: 68


Wow, talk about a huge improvement over Jealous. Chains is one of those songs that as soon as you hear it, you're hooked immediately. The instrumentation is dark and brooding, yet it still has a lot of cohesion and enough tightness in how eerie it is to make it work. Jonas himself puts in a powerful and intense vocal performance, and he really knows how to emote on this track, and when singing about one's internal conflict as to why a person would still love someone even with all the emotional turmoil they've put them through, that is definitely needed. This, along with Good Thing, Teacher, and Levels, shows that I really misjudged Nick. He's much more than just Jealous, and that is just truly impressive.




22) Song: Like I'm Gonna Lose You
      Artist: Meghan Trainor feat. John Legend
      Year-End Position: 76


Easily the best song off of Title, Like I'm Gonna Lose You is simply a delightful song. The lyrical content depicts a couple loving each other as if it could be over at any given second with such class and elegance that it's almost hard not to enjoy. Trainor's soulful delivery is easily her best performance to date, and simply sounds amazing. Not only that, but her and John Legend have oodles of chemistry here, and they are able to display a couple madly in love with each other. Combine that with the smoky instrumentation with the understated guitar line and gentle string section, and you've got a song that saved me from boarding the "fuck Meghan Trainor" train when Marvin Gaye and Dear Future Husband brought me closer to handing the conductor my ticket.




21) Song: Love Me Like You Do
      Artist: Ellie Goulding
      Year-End Position: 13

Okay, the Fifty Shades Of Grey soundtrack gave us two hits this year, each one representing the two main themes of the movie. The boring, creepy, and pretentious Earned It represents the more sleazy and sexual side, and this powerful, bombastic anthem represents the feeling of being head over heels in love, and of the two, this is easily the better one. There's just so much power to this chorus, and given that it stays in the chorus leaving the slower sleekness to the verses, that was an excellent decision. The instrumentation has so much melody to it that it's incredible, and those pulsing drums on the hook just sell it. Ellie has such a beautiful voice that it'd be hard to not like her on this song. As for the lyrics, a lot have scrutinized the titular line and making the criticism of "why would one make a song about wanting the same thing they already have," but I tend to see it more as Ellie saying that she wants the love that only a lover such as the one referred to in the song can provide, and in that sense, it actually works tremendously. So yeah, I like this song. Deal with it.




20) Song: 679
      Artist: Fetty Wap feat. Remy Boyz
      Year-End Position: 21

Dammit, Fetty Wap, between this, Trap Queen, My Way, Again, and RGF Island, please stop making songs I like in embarrassing amounts.


Thank you.
But seriously, I love 679. It's superficial and dumb in all the right ways for me. Fetty Wap has a lot of personality on the song, and while he and his Remy Boyz are admittedly trying to hook up with some chicks they met in the club and attempt to do so by bragging about how awesome they are, for one, they actually pull off convincing the listener that they are awesome (or at least I think they do), and second, they do so without any insulting lines or taking them from any other dudes, so that's a huge plus. Add to that, this beat is just full of life and energy. Take notes, DJ Mustard, THIS is how you do a minimalist beat with a few looping notes correctly. I don't even know how to explain it. It's just so slinky, bouncy, happy, well controlled, I just love it so much. Yeah, it's awesome. Fight me.




19) Song: Style
      Artist: Taylor Swift
      Year-End Position: 29

I really overlooked this song, didn't I? Why was I gonna leave this off? It's amazing. Taylor's performance is spot on, the production is textured, well made, has a ton of melody to it, an incredibly catchy guitar rollick, a good deal of energy, percussion that's not too light yet doesn't swallow the rest of the mix whole, and heck, even the lyrics are great here. Yeah yeah, they're your typical T-Swizzle song, but there's just this certain charm to them that just makes them work incredibly well. It's about a relationship destined to fall apart at any point, but the focus is kept on the initial rush rather than hoping for an overall happy output despite the many red flags, and staying with the former is definitely a huge plus. It's about living in the moment, and really, that's all it needed to be. It's a good song.




18) Song: The Hills
      Artist: The Weeknd
      Year-End Position: 10

Oh boy, this monstrosity. Normally, I'd be saying that as an insult, but here, it is all kinds of a compliment. Sure, Can't Feel My Face was an excellent song, but it was The Hills that really sold me on The Weeknd's ability as a performer, and it really encapsulates what he's all about: debauchery, heavy amounts of sex, large doses of sex, and all sorts of evil deeds without any sort of regret or contrition, and holy crap is he able to pull that persona off in this song. The evil vibe put off in the lyrics that paint him as this asshole who only cares about this girl in question when he wants to bang her and he's on tons of drugs, gives no shit about her well-being, and very well may be an abusive son of a bitch. That may seem awful, but keep this in mind: nowhere in the song is any of his behavior glorified or treated as if it has some sort of merit to it. In fact, it's quite the opposite making him look like the demon, and it does a damn great job of doing so. Adding on to that is the fantastic production with its eerie synths, heavier, more industrial sound, and overall creepy feel that just adds to how skin-crawlingly enjoyable this track really is. I do wish the bass was toned down a bit on the chorus, though. It seems to swamp out a lot of the impact and be a little too overpowering, but that's really my only complaint with the song. Besides, if we're looking for something that takes us inside the insane, twisted, and even deranged inner workings of a true narcissistic, self-absorbed sociopath, then this is it right here.





17) Song: Uptown Funk
      Artist: Mark Ronson feat. Bruno Mars
      Year-End Position: 1


You know your year in music is awesome when Uptown Funk is only number 17 on my best list. But yeah, I sang its praises back in June along with just about everybody else, and we're all still doing that, and for damn good reason because this song is fucking amazing. The incredible crunch of the hornlines, the funky bass and guitar lines, that great buildup before the chorus, the heaping amounts of energy contained within the four-and-a-half minute runtime, Bruno Mars' immensely strong vocals, the braggadocios lyrics that don't talk down to the audience but rather encourage joining in, everything about it is awesome, and it truly is a classic. I will happily let this uptown do some funking of me up.


16) Song: Centuries
      Artist: Fall Out Boy
      Year-End Position: 43

The first of two Fall Out Boy songs on this list, and my god, what a fucking powerhouse this song is. The explosive bombast of the chorus, Patrick Stump just singing his lungs out, the odd sample of Tom's Diner, it all somehow fits together, and combined with the lyrical content of striving to be remembered for literal increments of time by hundreds of years, it succeeds tremendously. It's no My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light 'Em Up), but it comes extremely close. Not really a lot to say here. Highly recommend checking it out if you haven't already.




15) Song: What Do You Mean?
      Artist: Justin Bieber
      Year-End Position: 33

Yep. I have a Justin Bieber song on my best list. And it's higher than Uptown Funk. I can already feel the pitchforks digging into my neck.
In all seriousness, though, I really do like this song. Justin Bieber had a surprising skyrocket in quality this year. Where Are Ü Now was pretty good, but it was this song, What Do You Mean?, that really sold me on the talent that Bieber's always had but has been constantly wasting up until this point. The beat is very slick with its tropical synths, pan flute, and understated piano line all creating this musical sound that makes me feel like I'm sitting by the ocean on a sandy beach in a folding chair drinking a cool, fruity drink. Bieber offers a burnt out, emotionally distressed performance that really works in his favor as he sings in a very melancholic manner about a woman unable to make up her mind in the relationship and is constantly sending mixed signals, and how it's messing with his emotions, and I actually find it pretty believable. It's pretty repetitive, sure, but I'd argue that that's symbolizing Biebs' frustration with this girl and all the strife that she's put him through. All in all, damn great song. I bet this won't piss people o-aaaaand here comes the angry mob. Oooooof course.




14) Song: Lean On/You Know You Like It
           Artist: Major Lazer & DJ Snake feat. MØ/DJ Snake & AlunaGeorge
           Year-End Position: 16/59


Alright, let's see what we got here. We got the female vocalist from the chorus of that awful Beg For It song offering a ghostly, soulful vocal performance, Major Lazer pitching in some slick synths with a ton of good tune to them and a drum machine that actually has a good textured beat going for it, DJ Snake giving us some of his trademark production horns and squeaks, lyrics about two old friends looking to rekindle their relationship and hang out together, and in short, the perfect recipe for being an entry on to this list. Not sure what "firing a gun" has to do with needing someone to lean on, though.
Let's be real, here, though, the real standout for the slithering emcee himself is his remix of AlunaGeorge's You Know You Like It, and holy shit, did he fucking take the thing and reassemble it into something a lot more awesome or what? The synth line that has a lot of smoothness and swell to it, the vocal loop that never gets tiring, the percussion that's able to keep up remarkably well with the energy put off by the track, AlunaGeorge's more tired and restrained vocal delivery, the lyrics about one's temptations getting the better of them but having devastating effects at the same time, everything just comes together so well, it's hard to deny. I've seen this top a few other lists, and quite frankly, it ain't hard to see why.




13) Song: Uma Thurman
      Artist: Fall Out Boy
      Year-End Position: 60


Okay, I will be upfront, this is easily Fall Out Boy's best hit song today.Yes, even better than My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light 'Em Up). The instrumentation consisting of interweaving guitars, a melodic piano line, groove-heavy drums, and a freakin' Munsters sample, seriously, how could you listen to this and not just absolutely groove out? Patrick Stump steps up to the microphone with a lot of grit and energy in his vocals, and he sounds great here. The lyrics are your standard pop rock reveling in debauchery and throwing caution to the wind in wild, reckless abandon, but when it's delivered with this much power and energy, it just works. This one was just edged off of the top 10, but it's still a damn awesome song, nonetheless.





12) Song: Want To Want Me
    Artist: Jason DeRulo
    Year-End Position: 17

There've been a lot of groove-heavy songs to come out this year, and of all of them, this one stuck with me the longest, and it's honestly kind of hard to believe that it came from Jason freaking DeRulo of all people. But yeah, Want To Want Me is simply an excellent song. The production has a groove that is very reminiscent of late-80s to early 90s synthpop at its best with a killer bassline, great synth hits, and percussion that manages to have a fast yet controlled tempo. Not only that, but DeRulo finally has control over his vocal range, especially his falsetto. Seriously, he sounds great here. Sure the lyrics are pretty goofy, only really amounting to wanting to have sex with a girl and the thought of being without it keeping him up all night, but Jason actually manages not to dip into outright douchebag territory and has a lot of charisma and energy that it can easily be excused. Extremely fun song, happy to see it be a hit.


11) Song: Renegades
      Artist: X Ambassadors
      Year-End Position: 54

This song is incredibly simple, but what few elements it does have work incredibly well. The vocals have a lot of emotion and grit in them, and they are able to hit the notes presented in the melodic structure of this song marvelously. Lyrically, it's simply about running wild and free, and with the feel of said vocals and the instrumentation, it works magnificently. The simple guitar melody has a lot of texture and groove to it, balances with the stomping hand clap percussion surprisingly well, and definitely adds to the feel of running through the woods and becoming a "renegade" in a pretty satisfactory manner. I don't care if this was ever used to advertise a Jeep model that shares its name with this song. I still love it.





10) Song: Shut Up & Dance
    Artist: Walk The Moon
    Year-End Position: 6

Pop rock at its absolute finest right here, Shut Up & Dance makes me want to do exactly that, and it has ever since I first heard it around this time last year. By this point, just like with Uptown Funk, nearly everyone has sung its praises, and really, what else is left to be said about this absolutely striking music? The shimmering guitars that have buckets of raw punch to them, lead vocalist Nicholas Petricca stepping up to the mic and just singing his heart out, the simple lyrics about dancing with a girl that never feel too simple or dumbed down, seriously, the whole thing is just a masterpiece.




9) Song: House Party
    Artist: Sam Hunt
    Year-End Position: 85

That's right, my favorite country song is a shallow party song. A shallow party song done right, mind you, but a shallow party song, nonetheless.
Sam Hunt, how do so many people dislike you?
.....oh. Okay, well, outside of that single, why do people dislike this guy? He has tons of charisma, he has a pretty smooth voice, and unlike most artists in the modern bro-country movement, he actually tries to make good music, for better or for worse, and this song definitely falls into the former category. It's not as enticing as Leave The Night On from last year was, but I'll be damned if I hear a country song that's more fun than this. Seriously, rollicking guitars, a solid banjo melody, a bunch of drive and force behind it, Hunt having incredible amounts of passion, seriously, it's incredible here. Add on to that that the lyrics are pretty sweet, too. It's about Sam and a girl wanting to have fun, but she doesn't really feel like going out to do so, so Sam has the brilliant idea of bringing the fun to her and, you guessed it, knitting sweaters. Lol, JK, they have a wild house party, and I gotta say, this really captures the feel of what being at a really good house party would be like. I can just see it now. All the pizza, the soda, the loud, pumping music that gets everybody in the room going, an energetic atmosphere, nearly everything there is to have at a house party, and I gotta say, this is stunning. Keep up the good work, Hunt.




8) Song(s): Cool For The Summer/Love Me Harder/Slow Motion
    Artist(s): Demi Lovato/Ariana Grande feat. The Weeknd/Trey Songz
    Year-End Position(s): 53/56/64

And for this entry, we have what I like to call the sexy trio. That's right, where songs like She Knows and Earned It failed to convey sexy and Good For You did a decent job of it but could've done better, these three songs delivered that mood perfectly, and all in different ways, too.
Let's start off with Cool For The Summer, easily the most fun of the three. Seriously, this song is a straight up banger. That nasty-in-a-good-way guitar riff, the misty synths, the powerful, driving force of the percussion, it all mixes wonderfully, and Lovato's softer vocals during the verses and straight up dominant delivery that is demanding of your attention works like hell. Add on to that that Demi just sells the whole lesbian fling thing, and the whole "this ain't the type of shit you can run home and tell your mama about" vibe fits masterfully. It may be called Cool For The Summer, but this song's honestly awesome all year round.
Next, we have Love Me Harder, easily the most sensual of the three. Ariana may look and sound young, but that in no way inhibits her from pulling off this seductive and sultry vibe that she puts off in this song. Her softer, more cooing delivery balanced out by The Weeknd's more emotional and alto ranged performance mixes perfectly not only with the beat that has the synths balance with both the percussion and with each other perfectly to create an incredible melody and atmosphere, but also with the subject matter of the sexual frustration and tension that can come between two lovers and each party doing their best to overcome that barrier. Yet again, it's a song everyone's already expressed their admiration for, and again, it's not hard to see why.
Finally, we have Slow Motion, easily the most relaxed and, if I'm being honest, best of the three songs. That liquid guitar line sounds gorgeous, and balanced with everything else in the production including the textured percussion, synths that have a good amount of swell to them, and gang vocals that even they fit, oddly enough, it is easily the highlight. Trey just sounds so chilled out in this song, and that falsetto sounds amazing. As for lyrical content, it's Trey and his girl just relaxing, having some sex, smoking some weed, and drinking a little. Nothing too wild, nothing really boring, juuuust the right setting for some late night love making. This is easily Trey Songz's best song to date, and it absolutely baffles me that one of the four writers was Mr. "let's Marvin Gaye and get it on," himself.




7) Song: Blank Space
    Artist: Taylor Swift
    Year-End Position: 7

Now here, we have not only have the best song off of 1989, but also Taylor Swift's best single to date. Seriously, this is a truly mind-blowing song. First off, that production is amazing. It's icy, reverb-saturation actually works in creating this chilly setting that creates the mood perfectly. The chiming synths create this eerie feel, the trap percussion has a good rhythmic beat to it, and that bass drop during the chorus is just epic. Swift's more staccato vocal performance only enhances the creepy-but-in-a-good-way vibe being put off by the song as there's a certain charm to its foreboding nature that I can really appreciate. What's really grabbing, though, is the lyrics. Taylor frames herself as this bloodthirsty heartbreaker that only wants to see her dates in emotional distress and will do everything to lure them in, only to shatter their soul later on down the line. The malicious framing and self-awareness works to a level I never thought possible. It's like a colleague of mine once said on Twitter: "A surprisingly dark song by Taylor's standards, Blank Space is a twisted story of a borderline psychopath that through great imagery, moody production, and Taylor's impressive vocal acting, proves to work tremendously." Couldn't have said it better myself, Scribblenaut of Flames.





6) Song: Time Of Our Lives
      Artist: Pitbull feat. Ne-Yo
      Year-End Position: 39

I've never really hated Pitbull, honestly. He's always had that sort of charm to his sleaze that was hard to deny. One thing he's (for the most part) excelled at was making dumb party music, but here, he actually made something you don't see all too often from anyone, let alone him: smart party music. No kidding, Pitbull, of all people, made a dance song that actually has a lot of wit and cleverness to it, and not only that, has an excellent message behind it. In essence, this song is about going through tough times and just having what fun you can before it all comes crumbling apart before you. That's something that a lot of people can relate to. In this song, Pit raps about only having 20 bucks left, but using it to have whatever good time he has left to its fullest. Some would argue that he's wasting the 20 bucks he could be spending on bills and rent and such, it's evident within the song that unlike in songs like Starships or This Is How We Do where they clearly advocate for not paying one's rent despite having an abundance of money, Pitbull doesn't have enough for nearly any of his bills, so instead of putting the money he has toward something that would essentially be a moot point, he is going to use it to enjoy himself and forget about the worries that the world will inevitably have in store for him in the future. Not only that, but Mr. 305 himself actually takes some time to give some comforting words to the audience before the audience.
"This for anybody goin' through tough times
Believe me, been there, done that
But everyday above ground is a great day, remember that"
That's.....actually pretty touching. Thank you, Armando, for your kind words.
Combine that with the great production with its muffled synths, unrelenting energetic feel, amplitude of interweaving melodies, and overall great feel, Pitbull's amazing flow, Ne-Yo pouring his heart into his performance that more than makes up for the atrocity that was She Knows, and you've got the perfect party song concoction.




5) Song: Downtown
    Artist: Macklemore & Ryan Lewis feat. Eric Nally, Melle Mel, Kool Moe Dee, & Grandmaster Kaz
    Year-End Position: 84

Want To Want Me may have had the grooves that stuck with me the longest, but this one had the best ones, hands down. This song is a mess, but it's a mess that you'd never want to clean up because it's just so colorful and good looking. The instrumentation is varied with all sorts of different switch ups in melody and groove, and they all transition into each other wonderfully. It's a simple song about riding a moped down the neighborhood, but Macklemore's more relaxed flow works incredibly well as he just has the sheer cockiness and confidence needed to pull this off, and the slew of old school gangsta rappers he recruits for this song are just phenomenal. The real star of this show, though, is Eric Nally, who provides one of the best choruses of the entire year, no contest. He just has so much force and grit in his voice, and man, the pipes on this dude are just powerful as fuck. Easily the grooviest song of the year, Mack proves that he's still got it, and I'm more than looking forward to that next album.





4) Song: Honey, I'm Good
    Artist: Andy Grammer
    Year-End Position: 25

Oh, if I didn't have pitchforks at my neck for having Bieber on the list, I certainly do now. I've heard a lot argue that this song tries to make Andy out to be some sort of grand moral hero for simply refusing to cheat, but I don't see that at all. For one, he's knowing his limits with the alcohol, and when you've had them pumping into your system nonstop as implied in this song, that's pretty damn impressive. Moreover, he never addresses his current girlfriend in the song, so that's one huge plus. Also, he acknowledges that although men with stronger wills than him have given in to this sort of temptation, he still has to remain strong and decide not to go along with boning this other woman. Finally, the whole "if he loves his girlfriend so much, why is he out without her" criticism is just ridiculous. How do you know that she wasn't okay with him going out and having a little fun by himself every now and again? Huh? Oh, wait, you don't. So that argument's out the window. So yeah, it's a song about overcoming one's impulses and remaining faithful to his/her lover even in the face of adversity. Sure, it's an obvious moral, but hey, in an era where songs encouraging disloyalty and cheating are all the more prevalent, especially nowadays, I'll take what I can get. Oh, and the plucky, upbeat instrumentation with its solid harmonica, bouncy combo of handclaps and bass, organ lines, and Grammer's charismatic, energetic vocal delivery make this a song that's peppy as all hell, but at the same time, incredibly difficult to get mad at, and I'm bewildered so many people did.





3) Song: Hello
    Artist: Adele
    Year-End Position: 35

Welcome back, Adele. We've all missed you dearly.
This was a total surprise given how late in the year this debuted at #1 and how few weeks it needed to land on the year-end chart, and I'm glad it did because this is easily Adele's best single to date. The reverb swallowed drums, the effortless yet potent piano work, and the church bells all create this great aura, and it mixes fabulously with Adele's lower register in her singing. The songwriting is nothing to sneeze at as it's Adele trying to reconnect with a past lover, recalling good times they used to have together, and trying to apologize for all the times she's hurt him, all while keeping her painted in a very mature light. It would all be destined to be at the top of this list if it weren't for two other songs. Wanna know what they are?


2) Song: Here
    Artist: Alessia Cara
    Year-End Position: 94

Okay, this song right here. This song. Right here. There is not a single element to it that feels non-cohesive or disjointed. Instrumentation-wise, this song has a very hazy, bluesy feel with its light guitar line, dark, smoky synths and horns, heavier piano keys that play off of the lighter, more skittering keys excellently, and it really sets the mood of a party just clouded with marijuana smoke. Speaking of which, Cara really has some serious chops behind a microphone, and her more soulful, somber delivery really adds a lot to the more downtempo feel of the song. Finally, we have the subject matter, and oh dear lord, does it fucking deliver or what? On the surface, it's pretty pretentious as it appears to be about looking at others at the party and just pointing out the flaws in it and wanting to leave, thus making our main protagonist look like a total bitch. However, if you look a little deeper into the song, you'll find that's it's actually about being at a party where you've had your fun and you're just trying to simmer down and relax for a little bit, but others around you keep invading your space, peers are talking unnecessary loads of trash (possibly about you or people you know and/or are friends or family members with), there's all sorts of alcohol and illegal substances that are taking their tolls on the party-goers around you, and you just wanna find the exit as fast as you can. It's relatable as hell, and I dare you not to just want to join Alessia in her quiet place in the corner given the setting she describes in the song. Really, that's what really gets me to like this song: it's detail. This could've just been a phoned in "I'm better than these people because they're partiers and I'm not" song, but Cara doesn't really say that she is better or that the people at the party are all that bad of people, but just that the situation she's in is really uncomfortable, and that's a lot easier to sympathize with. Even still, there's one more song to go, and quite frankly, anyone who follows me on Twitter (shameless plug) already knows what song that is.



1) Song: See You Again
    Artist: Wiz Khalifa feat. Charlie Puth
    Year-End Position: 3

I've loved this song from the moment I heard it, and months later, it has only gotten more and more beautiful with each subsequent listen. The production here is dazzling, a simple piano line that has a lot of melody and really captures the touching nature of a song like this, and the low hum and rougher flow of the drumbeat definitely add to that feel. The lyrical content feels like a conversation one would have standing near a lost one's casket and essentially having a conversation with them about how much they're missed and that they hope to see this person again someday in Heaven. It's a primitive concept for songs like these, but Wiz Khalifa just owns it (no pun intended) with his delivery that perfectly encapsulates the aforementioned casket conversation. Wiz may not have known Paul Walker personally, but it sure feels like he did in this song. Seriously, how are people calling this a cheap cash grab? I don't get it. Really, though, the main star here is Charlie Puth. Seriously, someone give this guy a medal for providing what is easily the best chorus of the year. He really knows how to emote, and his breathier, shakier vocals that make him sound like he's on the verge of tears really work. Man, I'd like this guy to have a hit of his ow-
Oh yeah. Right. Okay, maybe his third single will be bett-
DAMMIT! Okay, one more go?
.......Y'know what? I think I'll just stick with him as the See You Again guy, 'k? 'K.
And there you have it. See You Again by Wiz Khalifa & Charlie Puth is my favorite hit song of 2015. I'd like to thank everyone reading this, give some shoutouts to B-Hop (@BHOPDaMaestro), Keenan Edwards (@guessilikemusic), Danny Korcz (@dannykorcz), Mark Grondin (@SpectrumPulse), TheDoubleAgent (@DoubleAgentGuy), ACriticNamedKevin (@ACriticNamedKevin), FlamingScribblenaut (@disismah_name), The Radical Douche (@RadicalDouche), Cicabe (@Cicabeot1), Blake Gibs (@BGibs122William S. Deaver (@WilliamSDeaver), Jamie/Joh (@MyNameIsJamie_4)  and Jonathan Compton (@ARTVReviews) amongst others who've been just incredible people that I take a lot of inspiration from, constantly interact with on Twitter, and just would not know what I would do without as they're all awesome people, and wish all of you a very merry Christmas, happy holidays, and totally tubular New Year's. ;)

Monday, December 14, 2015

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs Of 2015

Well, would you look at that? Looks like it's time once again to sort out which songs from the Billboard Year-End Hot 100 chart should be hailed as the prevailing gods and goddesses and which should be considered the disgusting water at the bottom of the garbage can. Remember, guys, the song's only eligible for this list if it debuted on the year-end hot 100 chart this year, so yes, that does mean that I'm no longer including leftovers of any kind on these annual lists anymore (although I may still do include them for any throwback lists I do in the future). Now, with all that said, you're probably wondering how I thought 2015 stacked up so far as music from this year went.

Well, in all honesty........PRETTY FREAKIN' AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not even kidding, this year was great. So much great pop, EDM, ballads, R&B, hip hop, rock, and hell, even country made its way on to the charts. Not even kidding, I had to expand my best list this year from a top 10 to a top 15, it was that amazing. This is up there with 2012 in terms of quality music being cranked out minute after minute after minute.
Even with that, though, there was still the outright crap that made its way on to the charts and just would not leave for the longest time, and enough of it made its way to the year-end for this list to be formed, so let's not waste any time and kick things off with some dishonorable mentions.





DHM1) Song: Jealous
              Artist: Nick Jonas
              Year-End Position: 38


And we start off the DHMs with one of the most improved artists of 2015. Not even kidding, Nick Jonas has gone from being part of a generic, cookie-cutter, Disney-pushed musical product to making some of the absolute best and most catchy pop music in the mainstream business. Of course, you wouldn't know that listening to the song he kicked late 2014 and early 2015 off with, Jealous, because it's pretty damn insufferable.  Like with All Eyes On You, the production is the only good thing about it with a lot of control and balance over its synths and being able to maintain a pretty solid melodic focus. Unfortunately, it's everything else that lands it here. First off, while Nick Jonas is usually a pretty good singer, he just comes off as extremely whiny here with each line he sings sounding like an adult version of a spoiled 5-year-old going "but mooooom, I waaaaaant it" after his parents said no to buying him a toy he liked, and certainly not helping with that is the subject matter. Essentially in this song, Nick is an overprotective dick who thinks that anyone who even so much as looks at his girl is trying to pick her up and that she's interested, and so he must protect her from that because it's his "right to be hellish." Uh, fuck no. Jonas, you're acting like a controlling asshole when you say stuff like that, and all it comes off as is petulant, ugly, and contentious. NEXT!




DHM2) Song: Drag Me Down
             Artist: One Direction
             Year-End Position: 65


And the disappointments just keep coming as One Direction, who were making great strides lately, halts that progress is a skidding manner with easily one of their blandest songs to date. The lyrics are nothing special, basically the same tired pablum of how a girl's love is so strong that the guy in question feels as though with it, nothing can stop him, and absolutely nothing new is brought to the topic at all. Add on to that, the instrumentation is a stiff mess with its gloppy guitar work, overpowering percussion over actual melody, and just making for an overall unpleasant experience. The only thing really saving this song from being on the list is the fact that each of the performers have some actual energy and charisma, but it's nowhere near enough to save this absolute slog of a song.




DHM3) Song: Earned It
             Artist: The Weeknd
             Year-End Position: 9


God, I was waaaaay too nice to this when I first listened to it because after repeated listens, this song began to sour on me gradually, and well, look where we are now. Anything I praised the song for originally is no longer anywhere to be found. The strings are way too stiff and the percussion way too sparse and heavy with their hits, The Weeknd has nowhere near the amount of energy or soul needed to pull this sort of song off, and the lyrics of how the girl in question has "earned" the privilege of being fucked by him is just pretentious on nearly every level. Don't get me wrong, I am a Weeknd fan, and Beauty Behind The Madness was a fantastic album, but in no way, shape, or form, did this song have anything to do with either of those things, or at least not now.



DHM4) Song: Photograph
              Artist: Ed Sheeran
              Year-End Position: 34


Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz



DHM5) Song: Bad Blood (Remix)
             Artist: Taylor Swift feat. Kendrick Lamar
             Year-End Position: 15


Speaking of songs I was way too nice to when I initially reviewed them, there's this mess. Taylor has proven before that she can get dark and aggressive and make it actually work (trust me, we will discuss that later), but here, she just doesn't with her voice just cracking on the edges during that pre-chorus and those obnoxious elongated syllables on the chorus, thus resulting in what I believe to be Swift's worst vocal performance to date. And Kendrick? What are you even doing here, dude? Yeah, he still offers some decent punchlines here and there, and his flow is fine, but this is still incredibly weak, and given that he dropped the incredibly dope To Pimp A Butterfly this year, it's obvious the dude can do way better than this. I'm not even going to mention how pathetically weak this song is as a diss track to Katy Perry because it wouldn't really matter as the production here just sounds terrible. The clattery, clunky percussion with those grinding, tiresome synths that are just migraine inducing, the fact that there's little payoff to whatever buildup there is, and the overall unpleasantness that is the entire sound of this song. Seriously, T-Swizzle, I expect better from you.




DHM6) Song: Nasty Freestyle
              Artist: T-Wayne
              Year-End Position: 50


Oh, I bet you were all expecting to see this on the list, weren't you? Well, think again. Yeah, I still stand by this song being absolutely dismal with its gutless production, lacking in energy, T-Wayne having irritating vocals, and none of the lines connecting making the song one huge mess. That being said, I can't in good conscience bring myself to put this song on the list because as a silly novelty viral song, it kinda works with T-Wayne having enough looseness and silliness in his delivery and enough ironically funny punchlines to be able to see how one could enjoy the song. Let me stress I still don't think the song is good, like, at all, but at the very least, I do see the appeal, unlike....




DHM7)  Song: Hotline Bling
              Artist: Drake
              Year-End Position: 30

(Unrelated, but is it just me, or does that album art just look absolutely atrocious?)

....this. What do people see in this? I normally like when Drake gets his R&B on, but this is just straight up awful. The stiff trap high hats, the jerky melody sampled from the 1972 song Why Can't We Live Together by Timmy Thomas (which wasn't even all that great to begin with), Drake's delivery being so lifeless, you'd swear he was a zombie, but above all else, the douchebaggery in the lyrical content. Drake, you and the girl in question broke up. Get over it. Besides, even if you were still with this girl, why should you care who she hangs out with or what she wears when she goes out? It's her life, Aubrey, not yours. The fact that this is Drake's biggest hit is disappointing as hell as it's easily his worst hit to date. Yes, even worse than Started From The Bottom. Say what you will about that song, but at least it tried to tell a cohesive story. It massively failed, but it, at the very least, tried, whereas this is nothing more than literal elevator music. Ugh.




DHM8) Song: Flex (Ooh Ooh Ooh)
              Artist: Rich Homie Quan
              Year-End Position: 49


Okay, I gotta ask, what the hell is the appeal of Rich Homie Quan? Seriously, all I hear when I listen to his music is a knock-off of Future, and even he's better than this hack (seriously, Where Ya At would've been a solid best list contender had it made the year-end). His garbled delivery and spouting off of generic rap cliches makes him just absolutely worthless as a rapper, and he doesn't even bring that much energy or charisma into the picture to at least entertainment value to his songs. Such is the case for Flex (Ooh Ooh Ooh), and on top of his mush mouth execution, we get a lifeless, overly-simplistic beat with the same repeated 4 deep bass notes, buzzing feedback, and inconsistent percussion, and not to mention how annoying and skin-crawling those signature "ooh ooh ooh" sounds are that punctuate the end of every line in the chorus are. Honestly, I wanted this one to be on the list so freaking bad, but it's just so forgettable and uninteresting that I have literally nothing else to say about it.




DHM9) Song: Classic Man
              Artist: Jidenna feat. Roman GianArthur
              Year-End Position: 72

Speaking of uninteresting, we've got what is essentially Fancy 2.5. Yeah, going back to it, Fancy is actually starting to wear on my patience, but at least that song had personality (for better or worse), and say what you will about Charli XCX's chorus, you cannot deny that it was incredibly catchy and made itself stand out. Everything about this bland ripoff, however, blends right in in the most generic way possible. The synthloop that "samples" *cough*ripsoff*cough* Fancy with being incredibly weak despite being slightly more complex, trap percussion that's all over the place, Jidenna's nasally delivery, Roman GianArthur's smoother yet blander delivery, it's just a mess. Oh, and at least with Fancy, the lyrics not being all that fancy in reality can be taken in an ironic sense and enjoyed that way. Here, though, it's the same thing with Jidenna not understanding what a "classic man" is and not only not being believable as one, but also not being believable as a so-called "classic gangster," either with all the references to being rich, being able to pick up a lot of chicks, and selling cocaine. God, no wonder this is constantly referred to as the "neckbeard anthem."




DHM10) Song: Ayo
                Artist: Chris Brown & Tyga
                Year-End Position: 86

Correction: this was the closest to making the list. This is just Loyal, pt. 2, only with a good beat this time. Seriously, the plinking, bouncy synth line is actually pretty happy and catchy, and has a lot of energy to it. It's just a shame it was wasted on this douchefest. Seriously, this song is all over the place with its assholery from bragging about how rich they are to stealing your girl (because of course they do) to how their cars smell like ammonia (uh, you know that stuff can kill you, right?) to how they're "tatted up like Mexicans" (wait, WHAT?!?!?!?), just.....fuck this song. Fuck this song with a 9' metal rod.

Well, that takes care of those. Time to peel this band-aid off, now, shall we? Let's go.




10) Song: Tuesday 
      Artist: iLoveMakonnen feat. Drake
      Year-End Position: 82


Well, looks like I'm not done talking about Drake yet as he gives what is easily his worst vocal performance to date on this dreck. Seriously, he cannot hold a note on this song. Even more so than that is the main artist, iLoveMakonnen (stupid name, I know). Seriously, this guy's voice sounds like if Cleveland Jr. from The Cleveland Show had a big hit, and it was supposed to be an upbeat club banger, but he was singing it while he was just waking up, and it was taking him quite a while. The lyrics are nothing more than party song cliches that we haven't heard a million times over by now, and I would be fine with that if the beat and aforementioned deliveries offered anything close to any real energy or punch to make it anything close to tolerable, and believe me, I don't think even the person most drugged out on all the weed, coke, ecstasy, and alcohol could dance to these smeared synths, barely there percussion, and limp bass that aren't able to hold any tune or melody in them whatsoever. 





9) Song: Post To Be
    Artist: Omarion feat. Chris Brown & Jhené Aiko
    Year-End Position: 24


Oh, hi again, DJ Mustard. Yeah, I'll be honest, I've 180'd on Mustard since last year. His tendencies towards minimalism I've actually found worked pretty well in a lot of cases. Hell, 2 On and Don't Tell 'Em came pretty close to winding up as honorable mentions on my best list last year, not even kidding. Then again, there are still songs of his that I cannot stand at all, and Post To Be is easily bottom 5 material for the condiment-named producer at least. This beat tries to be complex (something not commonly found in a DJ Mustard beat), but it just winds up being a huge cluttered mess. There are multiple synth loops, yet none of them connect. They all overlap each other, and it just becomes unbearable. Not to mention how bland and boring it is with how many gaps the song leaves. The vocals here are just egregious. Omarion and Chris Brown are practically indistinguishable from one another with how flat and overly-autotuned their vocals are, and Jhené Aiko probably fares the "best" out of the bunch for at least trying to inject some desperately needed soul into the song, but she still sounds too autogenerated and robotic to pull that off. That's all before we get to the lyrics, which are your bog standard modern day "I can steal your girlfriend because I'm so rich and awesome" type of song. Ah, yes, because thoooose always pan out well. -_-
Oh, and there's also Aiko's infamous "eat the booty like groceries" line. Yes, because when one is performing analingus, the first taste that they should be reminded of is that of tin cans and toilet paper. Moving on.




8) Song: Kick The Dust Up
    Artist: Luke Bryan
    Year-End Position: 87


In a surprising turn of events, only four country songs made the year-end chart for this year. That's right, *four.* Believe me, we'll get to the other three, but for now, we gotta talk about Luke Bryan, who for the most part, I don't hate. Yeah, he makes dumb party music, and sure, he perpetuates a lot of the bro-country archetypes that are prevalent in today's modern age, but he has a solid baritone of a voice, his production is usually anchored in pretty solid melodies and grooves, and he has the sort of charm and presence needed to make that brand of sleazeball personality kinda work. [Then again, I'm speaking as the guy who actually likes Country Girl (Shake It For Me), so what do I know?] Even still, it's not like I don't see why people despise the guy, and there are songs from him that even I hate, this being one of them. Seriously, what the hell is up with this song? The instrumentation is too compressed and inert, and it has none of the driving force needed for a song like this to get peoples' blood really pumping. The melodies are all over the place, and the chord progressions are way too stiff and awkward to be even remotely enjoyable with the ill-fitting synths, painfully weak guitar work, and clunky banjos and drum machines, and......wait, was that some trap I heard him try to incorporate into this song? Dude, no. Just stop it. Even moreover is the fact that normally when Luke is spouting off these empty platitudes of bro-country, he at least sounds enthused or like he's enjoying himself. Here, he just sounds tired and bored, and I don't blame him, honestly. Seriously, we got this to be big enough on the year-end chart and not She Don't Love You by Eric Paslay, Lose My Mind by Brett Eldredge, I'm Comin' Over by Chris Young, or What We Ain't Got by Jake Owen? What in the holy mother of a goat's ass is in y'all's whiskey?




7) Song: No Type 
    Artist: Rae Sremmurd
    Year-End Position: 70


Oh, hello, Ear Drummers spelled backwards. Okay, let's get real here, these guys suck. None of their music is enjoyable......
.....ummm.......none of their music is enjoyable (outside of one song), their voices make nails on a chalkboard sound like Tupac Shakur, they repeat the same tired stereotypes of rap with nothing new added (if anything, they make them a million times worse), and if they were a Nintendo console, they'd be the Virtual Boy, and this song is no exception. A tired, dreary, bog standard Mike Will Made-It beat consisting of generic trap percussion, a simple two-note organ line, and bass limper than soggy breadsticks with no kick or energy to it, the painful to listen to delivery alluded to earlier, and, of course, the contradictory lyrics. For claiming that these guys don't have a type, they follow that with the line "bad bitches is the only thing that I like." Putting aside the grammatical errors in that statement, "bad bitch" seems like a type to me. Consistency, guys. Ever heard of it? I guess not since nobody proofread that before giving it the green light. For God's sake, they did this in the song that came before this, No Flex Zone, and while that one was also awful, at least that one tried to have some sort of swell or energy to it. This is just pathetic, and it had absolutely no reason to exist whatsoever. NEXT!




6) Song: Only
    Artist: Nicki Minaj feat. Drake, Lil Wayne, & Chris Brown
    Year-End Position: 51


Okay, nooow we're getting into the real shit.
This, to my absolute shock, is actually worse than Anaconda. At least that song had the butchered sample of Baby Got Back to make it at least interesting. This doesn't even have that. A lot of debate has gone on about whose fault this song is for why it's so awful, and my conclusion is......everyone involved. Nicki for her stilted flow, godawful punchlines, and weak ass bragging, Drake for just completely embarrassing himself (especially with that "I was still starin' at da titties, doh" line), Lil Wayne sounding bored as shit (can you honestly blame him, though), Chris Brown for his chorus that hops on the Migos flow and has little cohesion to it whatsoever, all five producers for this underweight, reverb saturated, pathetic beat with grating, high pitched echo effects and inconsistent percussion, and the general music listening public for having this peak at #12 on the Billboard Hot 100. There. Everyone sucks, alright? Now we never have to discuss this song ever again. NEXT!




5) Song: Watch Me
    Artist: Silentó
    Year-End Position: 8


Yep. That's right: the song that's so widely despised by everyone and is topping nearly everyone's worst list only winds up at #4. Make no mistake, though, this song is still atrocious. Silentó's voice is still ear-piercing, the production is still a clusterfuck of synth loops just thrown together with no care or thought put in to even considering it having any sort of melody, the lyrics are insultingly lazy with basically being the repetition doing bad dances cribbed from other terrible songs, and I still want to stick an ice pick through my eye socket every time I hear this godforsaken trash. However, after doing some digging, I found 4 songs worse than Silentó's abhorrentness. So, what could possibly be worse than Watch Me?




4) Song: Hit The Quan
    Artist: @iHeartMemphis
    Year-End Position: 83


Well, Watch Me 2.0: It's Even Worse This Time, for starters. Yeah, Watch Me might've been a colossal misfire (and that's putting it lightly), but at least I could see someone enjoying it in an ironic sense. Hit The Quan is denied even that. First off, this beat is abysmal. All it's coasting off of is that oily synthline, and it sounds terrible. The sound it emits is that of if you were tied to a table in a dark room, and a deranged black man was about to chop your nuts off with a steak knife. Sufficed to say, not exactly good for clubs. Lyrically, it's slightly above Watch Me as it does have actual lyrics (apart from that repetitive chorus), but that doesn't mean it's not the same old trite that has been regurgitated time and time again, and even worse is that nearly all of them contain some sort of reference to brand names and current trends, thus making this song instantly dated. The main culprit, though, is @iHeartMemphis himself. Silentó may have been unlistenable, but at least he was like a little kid that kept annoying you yet at the same time was strangely easy to dismiss and ignore. @iHeartMemphis, on the other hand, invades your space with his nasal, off tempo incompetency and just makes you want to take out a restraining order on him. God, it's songs like these that make me want to take this song's advice, slap Rich Homie Quan across the face, and scream "DO YOU SEE WHAT KIND OF SHIT PEOPLE LIKE YOU INSPIRED?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?"




3) Song: 7/11 / Bitch Better Have My Money
    Artist: Beyoncé/Rihanna
    Year-End Position: 61/48


So this is the first of the two ties on this list, and oh boy, where to even begin with Bitch Better Have My Money. To think I actually liked this trash at one point. I usually like a lot of Rihanna's music, but even she has made songs that I haaaaate. This is nowhere near as bad as Birthday Cake from 2012, but it is definitely worse than Pour It Up, which made my worst list in 2013. Nothing about this song works. The trap hi hats are way too skittering and out of control to form any sort of pleasant pattern, the synths are tinny, off key, and come off more creepy in the scary clown music sense than in the gangsta thug sense, and Rihanna just sounds grating here. She's trying so hard to sound tough that it's almost kind of cute in a way. Her screechy delivery is actively grating to the ears, and she is not convincing at all as a thug. I could care less that she was doing this in spite of being a victim of domestic abuse if she was pulling any of it off, and uh......yeah, she's not. Not only that, but she's incredibly hypocritical in this song as well. Rihanna, if you're going to brag about being incredibly rich and blowing thousands of dollars on drinks and other material items, why does the titular bitch need to give you what is supposedly "your" money? Ugh.
Next up......oh god, I gotta come back to this one. Yeah, I discussed this one briefly in my collab with Show With No Name a while back, and as promised, I'm gonna go into way more detail than I did in that post. Here we go.
I never thought I'd live to see the day that Beyoncé would make a song worse than Diva. Make no mistake, that song was an unholy monstrosity, but it was at least able to form a coherent sound to some degree. A coherent sound that was screechy, ear-bleeding, seasick, and that I never wanna hear again, but a coherent sound nonetheless. Here, though, there is absolutely nothing of substance to offer at all. The production are these watery, choppy synths that have no tightness or energy to them, and listening the overbearing percussion constantly tapping throughout the entire song makes me feel as though my skull is about to crack open. Beyoncé's vocals are drizzled in so much autotune that you'd swear the real Beyoncé was captured and replaced with a robot "queen Bey." And do I even need to mention lyrical content at this point? Do I even need to bring up the fact that it's obviously trying to depict a drunken fun night out but winds up sounding like Beyoncé's having a severe attack of epilepsy? Well, I just did. Yeah, there is no redeeming quality to be found in this song. I honestly thought this would be my pick for the worst hit song of the year. And yet........



2) Song(s): Dear Future Husband/Marvin Gaye
    Artist(s): Meghan Trainor/Charlie Puth feat. Meghan Trainor
    Year-End Position(s): 74/75



Now we come to our 2nd tie, and oh crap, we have to deal with Meghan Trainor now. How lovely. Now, while I still maintain that Meghan Trainor is pretty good for the most part and gets way more hate than she deserves, even she has her missteps, and it's just a shame that these missteps were down a huge flight of stairs. I already talked at length about how much Dear Future Husband failed at what it was trying to be so if you wanna read about that, you can do so here, and yeah, my opinion has not changed all that much. The only difference between then and now is now the beat isn't even that great anymore being the same old tired doo-wop that, while I usually don't mind, is just so flat and bland in this song, and Trainor's cutesy delivery got more and more insufferable with each subsequent listen.
The real offender here, though, is Marvin Gaye, easily the whitest, least sexy song about sex since....well.....
Yeah, who hasn't made this comparison? Is it really wrong to do so, though? One's a song about sex that sounds like nobody involved knows what sex even is, and the other is, well, a song about sex that sounds like nobody involved knows what sex even is. The two are almost entirely indistinguishable. Musically, this song's blaaaaaand. The fluttering piano line and flat horns don't set a sexy atmosphere at all, and the trap high hats and gang vocals they divulge into in the second verse. Charlie Puth's vocals are strained and breathy here, and they do not sound good at all, and given how great he sounded on See You Again, that's saying something. Trainor is passable, but again, her flowery delivery doesn't fit in a sex song. Lyrically, this thing is a trainwreck. "Let's Marvin Gaye and get it on"? "It's kamasutra show 'n tell"? "I'm like a dog without a bone"? No, just.....just no.  Oh, and fuck you, Puth, for trying to appropriate the bass and piano line to Ben E. King's Stand By Me for this trash song. Let's.....let's move on to my pick for the worst hit song of the year and as far away from this cultural gentrification and brattiness falsely packaged as a positive message before I start breaking things.




1) Song: She Knows 
    Artist: Ne-Yo feat. Juicy J
    Year-End Position: 97

It feels painful giving the top spot on my worst list to Ne-Yo, an artist I usually respect and like a lot. He has a lot of great songs in him such as Let Me Love You (Until You Learn To Love Yourself), Because Of You, Miss Independent, Mad, So Sick, Sexy Love, Closer, those and many more are all great songs, but man, did he really drop the ball with this song. First off, this production is disgusting. The thudding horns, the weaksauce synths, the incredibly cheap and processed drums, it all just creates this wall of sound that is just unpleasant to listen to. Not only that, but Ne-Yo is just on autopilot, here. He has none of the soul or rich texture in his voice to make these types of songs work. Sure, he makes an attempt to be soulful in the chorus, but it just fails, and we're immediately thrown back into the same droning mess. The lyrics are about how bewildered and amazed at how confident and good at her job this one stripper in particular is, and I'm sorry, are we really expected to buy into this crap? Ne-Yo's wide-eyed front he's putting on just isn't believable, and especially not in a sludgy, gross stripper anthem like this. Juicy J's verse is his standard throwaway garbage, and yet he's easily the best part of the song. When a lousy Juicy J verse is the best part of your song, you fucked up, and your fuck up was harder than a cinder block. What else am I leaving out, hmm, there must be one last thing that this song disgusts me with, hmmm, *baby noise*.................Really, Ne-Yo? A freaking baby noise? In this song clearly about having sex with adult women? Okay, maybe I'm overreacting. It's not like there are any lines that make him seem like a.....
"She said, 'Daddy, I'll be back after this song, then you takin' me home'"
NOOOOOOOPE! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE! NOPE!
Pedophilic undertones is where I draw the line. She Knows is my pick for the worst hit song of 2015. Thanks for reading, and see you next time for the best list.