It's always great whenever there's an artist that gets big in the music industry that gets big and has so many great songs that they deserve all the success and fame they earned. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that they'll strike gold 100% of the time as even they aren't immune to making songs that are either bland, ear bleed inducing, or just downright insulting. Today, those are the songs that we're looking at today. We are counting down the top 10 worst songs, ehhh by otherwise good artists. Show will go first, and then I'll give my thoughts. Let's get started.
10) Song: Uptown Girl
Artist: Billy Joel
Show: I wasn’t aware that Billy Joel could get more annoying than he was in We Didn’t Start the Fire, but then Halston showed me uptown girl (thanks, buddy).
Me: You're welcome. :P
Show: Anyway, There are artists that can make a twang sound pleasant, but Billy Joel is definitely not one of them. I feel like I get dumber every time he goes “GIIIIIIII-HIIIIIIIRRLLL!!!” The production is so bland that it barely exists. The lyrics also suck. I don’t know anybody who would enjoy hearing that they live in a “white bread world”. Billy Joel has proven many a time that he is a better singer, musician, and songwriter than this. I like to think that after hearing this song, this “Uptown Girl” laughed in his face and walked away.
Me: As someone who actually happens to like We Didn't Start The Fire, Uptown Girl just grinds every gear that I have. That annoying twang in Joel's voice doesn't work for him at all, and it gets really grating really fast. The instrumentation is just kinda....there, which is unusual for Billy seeing as he usually has enough unique personality to let the lyrics and production shine through, so the fact that he gave us something so bland and lifeless is just bewildering, and not even in a good way. Seriously, Joel, this is a fire you started, and it's complete tripe.
9) Song: Magic
Artist: Coldplay
Show: In a vacuum, this song is not particularly bad. It is mainly just bland and forgettable. But we don’t live in a vacuum. We live in a world where “Madness” by Muse exists. This isn’t a blatant ripoff, but when you notice the similarities you can never look past it. The comparisons between the two songs are no contest. Madness is effortless, Magic is lazy. Madness is clever, Magic is boring. Madness is impressive, Magic is mundane. The best part of Madness is the theme repeated in the bassline. The production in Magic is so unoriginal that I even now have a hard time remembering how it goes. It’s not as objectively bad as some of the other songs on this list, but the lack of inspiration sinks it for me.
Me: Tedious, bland, monotonous, boring, humdrum, mundane, colorless, flavorless, flat, uninteresting, dry drab, lackluster, vapid, trite, stale, emotionless, passionless, dreary, wearisome, unexciting, insipid, weak, blah, ho-hum, weak, and dull as dishwater. There, as many synonyms for bland that I could find. That's really all this song is. It is, to quote Todd In The Shadows, "a giant beige avalanche burying you in suck." Thank god this was followed by A Sky Full Of Stars, otherwise we'd be stuck with this, a song that if it were a piece of gum, it'd be Dubble Bubble. NEXT!
8) Song: Honey Pie
Artist: The Beatles
Show: Once again, I have Halston to thank for my knowing about this song (whee).
Halston: Don't you just love having me introduce you to all this bad music?
Show: Yeeeah. -_-
Anywho, How could the band that made Hey Jude have done this? This sounds like something from a cartoon from the forties! I feel like I’m on Splash Mountain listening to this. The lyrics are an abomination. It basically says: “Hey, Honey Pie, I know that you made it big in America, but I think that you being with me is more important than an amazing dream career. So get back over here!” And seriously, who decided on Honey Pie? That doesn’t even sound like a real baby name! Why don’t you call her “Sweetypoopookins” or “Rastafastapartybunchkins” while you’re at it? But this was 1968. The Beatles could have farted into a microphone and the fans would have lapped it up. This honey pie grew sour long ago.
Me: Yeah, it doesn't at all surprise me that this topped Marc Mues' list of what he thought were the top 10 worst Beatles songs, and quite frankly, I don't blame him, because this song, although by one of the most if not THE most iconic rock band throughout history, is outright crap. The lame production, inane lyrics, and the obvious fact that nobody involved in the making of this song cared even remotely is enough to conceal it to the trash heap. Of course, one listen through the song would make that plainly obvious, but who would be stupid enough to.....oh, right, Show & I........ :/
7) Song: This Is How We Do
Artist: Katy Perry
Show: This is Katy Perry’s worst song. No doubt about it. With this song, Katy Perry has become everything that her harshest critics have said she was: boring, stupid, tasteless, without talent, and trying too hard. Also, how does one get one’s nails done “Japaneasy”? But the worst part is where she gives a shout-out and her respect to all the people who use their rent money to buy alcohol. Katy Perry never seemed like the kind of person who would actively encourage a self destructive lifestyle, but I guess she is, after all. I was under the impression that she was smarter than this song, too. It’s no big deal, and nobody on the track acts as uncaring as Perry herself.
Me: I'm with Show and, well, just about everyone else in thinking this is Perry's worst single. None of the elements of the production are cohesive as all they are is an uncontrolled mass of loud percussion and messy synths, Katy sounds as disconnected and uninterested as she possibly can, but worst of all, this song is a ripoff of Last Friday Night (TGIF) in all the wrong ways. Where Last Friday Night was a fun, energetic, disco-esque song about having no regrets and throwing a wild party, This Is How We Do is a boring, annoying song that's basically just about bragging about being as trashy, unappealing, and irresponsible as possible, and the unintentional racism with that "Japaneasy" line certainly doesn't help. There is a great deal of Katy Perry's material that I really enjoy whether I really should or not (as evidenced by Dark Horse winding up on my best list at one point), but she's better than this (which is something that can be said about every artist and their song that winds up on this list).
6) Song: OMG
Artist: Usher feat. will.i.am
Show: This is just bizarre. I don’t even really know what to say about it. Why is there repetitive copy machine bleeping? Why is there a stadium full of people chanting in this personal love song? Who thought that “break you down” was sexy? Who let will.i.am in? How can a booty be “pow-pow-pow”? Who actually says “Oh my gosh, I’m so in love”? This song makes me think of Boom Boom Pow, but even that song was better executed than this. A more appropriate title would be WTF.
Me: ...............I don't even know what else to say. You hit the nail right on the head, Show.
5) Song: Acapella
Artist: Karmin
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Show: I’m not going to pretend like Karmin are musical visionaries who will affect music until the end of time. But I will say that they are good artists who make nice, simple, catchy pop songs. You would not get this from Acapella. This is so weird. What does “going A capella” mean? Is she the singing and he the music? But both members of Karmin sing! Are they aware that acapella groups are a gigantic thing? Are they aware that the term “solo” exists? And what on God’s green earth is the falsetto part? It might be a slice of the ultimate irony that “Brokenhearted”, their best song, was just them making a silly pop song, whereas “Acapella”, their worst song, is them trying to be more experimental and deep.
Me: Yes, I know what the metaphor is supposed to mean, but it's just so awkwardly worded that I can't look past it. That's not my real issue with the song, though. My main problem lies with the musical elements, from the ear bleedingly screechy falsetto to the sterile and overproduced instrumentation to the grating vocals right down to the fact that none of it is cohesive or comes together in a way that's pleasant to listen to at all. Karmin, I usually like your stuff, but this left me brokenhearted.
4) Song: HeadBand
Artist: B.o.B. feat. 2 Chainz
Show: This song physically hurt me. I considered B.o.B. to be one of the titans of rap, like Lupe Fiasco or Kendrick Lamar. But, since Halston told me about Headband, I wonder (THANK YOU SO MUCH, HALSTON!!! YOU’RE SUCH A GOOD FRIEND!!!!).
Me: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! >:)
Show: This is the very worst beat DJ Mustard has ever made, and that is saying an awful lot. 2 Chainz is being his normal ridiculous self. But man, B.o.B. has never been less B.o.B. than he is here. After songs like Nothing on You, Magic, Airplanes, and Both of Us, listening to this song almost gave me actual whiplash. Headband just makes me sad. This makes B.o.B. no different from any other mainstream rapper. Great job, you broke my heart a little bit.
Me: I don't exactly agree with Show on the beat being the worst that DJ Mustard's ever produced (I think that'd be Or Nah), but I'll be damned if this isn't a close second. In this song, B.o.B. goes from being someone who used to be able to craft creative lyrical work about thoughtful and insightful subjects and/or put a new spin on the typical rap subjects to being a generic club rapper with generic and uninspired lyrics that we've heard a million times before with the painfully unfunny punchline thrown in every now and then. Oh, and 2 Chainz is on the song.
"Chain hang to my ding-a-ling"
3) Song: 7/11
Artist: Beyoncé
Show: I am still not entirely convinced that this song was not made for Guantanamo as a means of torture. I know that Beyoncé has talent, but I would be lying if I said that there weren’t plenty of songs in the running for this slot. But this is the very bottom of the barrel. She is just saying what she is doing. This can’t have taken more than two minutes to write. And that production is absolutely wretched. If songs like Drunk in Love or Partition are as rewarding to listen to as white noise, 7/11 is a high pitched squealing you can barely hear that gives you a headache.
Me: I'm gonna wait 'til December to go into full detail about my thoughts on this one, but here's what I'll say for now: lack of ability to make a Big Gulp joke aside, this song is somehow something I never thought was even possible to exist, and that is a Beyoncé song worse than Diva. That should never be possible. The beat is a discordant mess that just drills its way into your skull in an unpleasant manner, the autotune slathered all over Mrs. Knowles' vocals are grating as hell, the lyrics are inane, and the whole song is just one giant, unlistenable mess.
2) Song: Hello Kitty
Artist: Avril Lavigne
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Show: I’m going to be honest with you. I have listened to this song the whole way through one time, for the sake of this list. Even that time was about three times too many. Avril Lavigne's self titled album was a great album, showing her at the most articulate and smart she has been in years. From the inclusive, joyous Here’s to Never Growing Up, to the innocent and nostalgic 17. From the bizarre but fun Bad Girl to the flawed but still solid Let Me Go. But then there is this abomination. Avril Lavigne seems to act more and more immature as time goes on. What happened here? Was pleasing Japan really worth gouging out your credibility? Did the Japanese even like this? I sure as hell didn’t. I pray that Avril Lavigne’s artistic credibility can recover, but I doubt it. Gack.
Me: Not only does this song not belong on Avril's self-titled album, but it doesn't belong in existence, period. The rock instrumentation is this disjointed clusterf**k of guitars, synths, and percussion, Lavigne's vocals are unbearable, and the atrocity that is the dubstep breakdown was just plain unfitting and unnecessary. Then there's how juvenile the lyrics are. I didn't have high expectations for the lyrical content on this thing, but I certainly wasn't expecting Avril to sink so low as to sing lyrics such as "let's all slumber party like a fat kid on a pack of Smarties."
1) Song: FACK
Artist: Eminem
Show: Without exaggeration, this is one of the worst songs that I have ever heard in my entire life. I feel like Eminem is sharting all over me. I actually think that Fack is the single most repulsive sound of all time. And this song tries its hardest to live up to that legacy. There is no way he made this song with any intention other than just pissing people off. This is not art. This is not music. This is not holy. I wonder if the violinist knew what the violin would be used for. I hope not. I hate this. It sucks. Analyzing it any more would be expending too much effort for it. Fack off forever.
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry guys, I just had to let that out. Seriously, what the fack is the facking crap. The beat is way too weak, and Eminem's most annoying impressions blast through to a point where I literally feel the need to take a shower afterward. As for the lyrics, it's basically about a guy getting off from getting hurt and having a gerbil shoved up his butt. Who.....who thought that was a good idea? Seriously, it wasn't. It's just plain gross in the worst way possible. This song is just plain disgusting. It's worse than the entirety of both Encore and Relapse combined, that's how awful it is. It's an audio nightmare, and I'm glad the general public decided never to let this get popular. To anyone reading this post, just remember this: Fack is whack.
Show: Nice one, Halston.
Me: Thanks, Show.
Show: You know, I'm looking through the list right now, where's Jar Of Hearts?
Me: HEY! You know how much I love that song.
Show: Oh, come on. It's so badly written.
Me: Do you wanna make it to the second part of our collab?
Show: You're right. Sorry.
Me: Well, see you guys next time.
Show: Ta ta, folks.
Here's some of my bad songs made by good artists:
ReplyDeleteThinking Out Loud and New Man by Ed Sheeran.
Grenade by Bruno Mars
Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi