Top 20 Worst Number One Hits Of The 2000s (Part 1)

     Well, I've been waiting to do this for a long time, and now I finally get the opportunity. Awesome possum. So, the 2000s. This is the era of music I am most familiar with outside of what is currently playing on the radio today. Reason for this is the fact that it's the time period that I spent a majority of my life in, thus meaning that, of course, a lot of songs would come to my attention, some of which I'd find out later that I was more familiar with than I thought, whether that be for better or for worse. And yes, I know I'm doing this right after TheDoubleAgent just finished wrapping up his series for this, so this could be considered a ripoff, but y'know what? Fuck it. I have almost an entirely different set of opinions from him (although there are quite a few moments where our thoughts on something overlap), and unlike him thinking the 2000s were an abysmal time for music, number one hits in particular, I found myself enjoying it way more than I probably should. Yeah, as much as I probably should, I don't look for any particular trends or what something is representative of or anything like that. I look at if I enjoy a song or not and if I find it enjoyable/detestable enough to make either of my lists or be in the honorable/dishonorable mentions. I wound up with a staggering 45, let me repeat that, 45 contenders for the best list, and I only found 28 that I thought were awful enough for the worst list. Make no mistake, though, the songs I'm about to show here are all terrible in my opinion, and in a variety of ways, so I can't really say what all of these songs have in common in this preamble that I'm just ready to be done with aside from the fact that they all suck. So, without further adieu, let us begin, shall we?

20

     Well, time to make a whole mess of people angry right from the jump.

20) Song: No One
      Artist: Alicia Keys
      Year It Was #1: 2007

     Look, let me just state right now that I think Alicia Keys is a perfectly fine artist. A lot of her music is incredibly sonically pleasing to the ears, she has a pretty solid vocal range, and is more often than not given production and instrumentation that works incredibly well with said vocal range. That being said, none of her music really sticks in the brain all that well, or at least not as much as it should. I don't know, it just doesn't last for me. I don't really find it all that interesting. Well, except for this one, which is interesting and memorable, but most certainly not in a good way. I will admit to liking that pretty slick piano line and say that the lyrical content is something that I buy coming from Keys, but honestly, that's about it. The aforementioned piano line does not match the pounding percussion that has no punch or weight to it at all yet somehow manages to give me a migraine, the synthline is sludgy and grating as all hell (seriously, whoever told the producers it was a good idea to include that synth, fire them immediately), but most disappointing is Alicia Keys herself. She's trying so hard to attempt to convey some sort of strong emotion, but by god, she is falling so flat, and keep in mind guys, this is Alicia freaking Keys we're talking about here, someone who is usually able to pull that off without a hitch. What the hell happened here? On top of that, she just sounds so simpering, so whiny, nasal, breathy, she sounds like she is singing with a head cold. Hell, even on her worst single, Girl On Fire, she at least sounded decent (well, minus the chorus, that is). This song has pieces of a good song in it, but as a whole, it's just a mess that desperately needed cohesion that just isn't there. It's like trying to just glue a bunch of random things together with some really weak glue, and the end result just being one sticky, messy, unpleasant mess with clean up that nobody wants to be with. Alicia, you're better than this.

19

     And speaking of artists who should know better.........

19) Song: Love In This Club

      Artist: Usher feat. Young Jeezy

      Year It Was #1: 2008

     Unlike with Alicia Keys, I love a lot of Usher's music. He has just the right amount of balance between being sexy, emotional, and energetic. I genuinely do believe he is indeed one of the best R&B stars of our generation. I first heard Yeah!, and was immediately hooked, and it even led me to find gems he had before then like You Make Me Wanna..., Nice & Slow, U Remind Me, U Got It Bad, and a few others. That said, he has had his bombs, and this is one of them. Look, on some level, I see what this song was going for: it's a warped club anthem that's supposed to be both fun and hypnotic at the same time. I get that. Thing is, though, the whole thing just falls completely flat for me. Usher sounds decent on this song, but it is pretty clear how much he's phoning in his performance here. Seriously, he just doesn't have the soul or energy that he has on his other songs. On top of that, the production is just not that good. The percussion is incredibly limp, the synths are pretty off key and completely lifeless, and they get completely choppy in the chorus with one of the most annoying melodies I've ever heard in a club song in this vein. Then we have Young Jeezy, who I don't think I've ever been a fan of, giving a verse that's way too aggressive for this sort of laid back type of dance song, has no flow, and includes lines like "it's going down on isle 3, I'll bag you like some groceries," which I don't even know how to respond to, it's that bad, and just spewing the same vapid luxury porn we've heard done better elsewhere. Yeah, this is awful, but it wouldn't be the first time Usher would be involved with a terrible club "jam."

Seriously, why the fuck does this exist?

18

     Goddammit, Beyoncé, you have so much talent. Why would you choose to waste it like this?

18) Song: Check On It

      Artist: Beyoncé feat. Slim Thug & Bun B

      Year It Was #1: 2006

     Seriously, I'm willing to defend a good chunk of Beyoncé's material, and hell, I'm one of the few that even likes Single Ladies. She has so much life, so much personality, seriously, you will know when you're listening to Beyoncé. Except not here. She is just so void of life or any personality on this song. To see her reduced to such a thin sliver of something that she's able to pull off so flawlessly. Will someone please kill the guy with the vacuum that sucks the talent out of artists who have proven multiple times that they have it? Seriously. Anyway, I am usually able to like, or at the very least, tolerate Beyoncé's vocals most of the time, and she's not that irritating here, I guess, but she's just completely checked out (ironically enough), and her vocal melody is so stilted and awkward that it's hard to really get into all that much. By all accounts, I guess I'm kinda irked by the lyrics of making a guy chase her to try and get some sex from Beyoncé and the whole thing being a gigantic cock tease, but it's not that bad, honestly, and besides, while the line "all men talk but don't please" is pretty insufferable in that it typecasts all men as being sex-hungry people who talk a big game yet have nothing to show for it, it's just one line and not an entire song of that type of sentiment (*cough*IfIWereABoy*cough*), so I can easily ignore it. What I can't ignore is that beat. Seriously, between the thin, simpering, one note synthline, jangling, clattery percussion, and obnoxious whistle sounds that come in during the forced, obnoxious, and unnecessary rap verses, I'm not sure which element gets under my skin more. Definitely a disappointment, to say the least.

17

     And here's a group that have had more misses than hits.

17) Song: Boom Boom Pow

      Artist: The Black Eyed Peas

      Year It Was #1: 2009

     Unlike the other groups I listed, The Black Eyed Peas are a group whose music I don't really tend to enjoy all that much, being perfectly honest. I mean, they were definitely great in 2003 and 2004 (going by the time after they included Fergie to the group, I'm honestly not familiar with their material at all before then), but after My Humps hit in 2005, things were downhill from there with only a few exceptions every now and again. This isn't the worst example of what I'm talking about, but it most certainly isn't safe from my scorn. First off, this beat is godawful. No two elements line up in a succinct, coherent way. It all ends up being nothing more than a mishmash of random noises and elements that try to be futuristic but just wind up sounding dated as hell. The hissing synth that runs in the background and doesn't shut up often enough, the percussion that would fit in any other club song but feels completely out of place here, and the autotune on every single performer's vocals is just ear-piercing. Seriously, it is constant, and it never sounds good, and same goes for the vocal layering during the parts when they say "boom boom boom." Of course, when Fergie does decide to sing without the aid of any vocal effects, she decides to use the most obnoxious, ear scraping inflections she possibly can. Seriously, Ferg, that shit is part of the reason songs like London Bridge and L.A. Love are so unbearable. And do I even need to bring up how much of a cringefest these lyrics are? Seriously, these guys are talking about how awesome they think they are, but it just comes off as so lame, it's just embarrassing. And this was the biggest hit of 2009 and not I Gotta Feeling. I don't get you people, sometimes.

16

     Well, as long as we're on the topic of hit and miss......

16) Song: Ain't It Funny

      Artist: Jennifer Lopez feat. Ja Rule & Cadillac Tah

      Year It Was #1: 2002

     Look, I can tolerate JLo. Yeah, she makes some pretty shallow and forgettable music, but she has a good voice, she normally has some pretty tolerable production backing her normally, and the subject matter is usually decent at least. That said, this is not one of those times. The lyrics depicting a woman seeing right through a man who only wants her after they broke up and not being a good boyfriend in the relationship when they were together, it is good, great even. However, even with that, I've always been of the mindset that a song can be the best written thing out there, but if it sounds terrible, then I am not gonna like it, and this song definitely falls into that trap. This song pretty much jacks the beat from Flava In Ya Ear by Craig Mack, a song that had a terrible beat to begin with, and while some of the features they add to it aren't that bad, the central riff is still very much prominent, and its stabbing, stiff, wooden synth has no groove or any visceral punch to it is incredibly grating to the ears. Then there's Ja Rule and Cadillac Tah who just delve into making a generic "thugs need love too" song that objectifies women and yeah, no, I'm done with this. NEXT!

15

     And now for a musical act that if I had any respect for them to begin with, I certainly don't now.

Song: I Knew I Loved You

Artist: Savage Garden

Year It Was #1: 2000

    

     Yo, B-Hop, you wanna take this one?

"Not-so-Savage Garden returns with enough sappiness for IHOP’s pancakes. I Knew I Loved You is one of the sappiest sap-fests that’s ever been sapped out. Being that it is a Savage Garden song, the instrumentation is weak, easy listening crap that’s guaranteed to put people to sleep, but then that gets countered by Darren Hayes’ dog whistle-like voice. Seriously, that voice is part of the reason why this song sounds like a tsunami of unicorn tears. I’ve heard My Little Pony songs that sound more hardcore. Now for the writing. It’s about love at first sight, a concept that I believe is a load of crap and I explained why in one of my Random WTF Lyrics. To fall in love with someone you barely even know is setting yourself up for possible disappointment. Maybe someone did find their significant other through love at first sight, but I’ve never seen it happen. Either way, I Knew I Loved You still sucks."

Couldn't have said it better myself, man. Btw, you were right. Their single art is memeworthy.

PFFFFFFHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD XD

14

     Man, talk about rough beginnings.

Song: Goodies

Artist: Ciara feat. Petey Pablo

Year It Was #1: 2004

     I mean, really, you listen to a song like this, and you wouldn't think that this would be the woman that would go on to give us such great songs like 1, 2 Step, Get Up, Body Party, I Bet, and Dance Like We're Making Love, because wow, this song blows, no way around it. Nearly everyone has pointed out how the main synth that goes on throughout the song's entirety sounds like a dentist drill, and they're not wrong. I mean, what else is there to say about it? It sounds awful. But that's only a bite sized portion of why I hate this song so much. Apart from that main synth, the ones during the chorus are so chintzy and grating, and the whole thing just feels so disgustingly open and gross, it's kinda hard to explain. The lyrics try to have some sort of sexual empowerment feel to them, but they do not mesh well with Ciara's vocals. She's just so breathy and limp on this song, and she has nowhere near the amount of charisma or energy needed to pull this sort of thing off, and the shrill high notes she uses at certain points in the song do not do her any favors. Then we have Petey Pablo acting like a leering creep and dancing and staring at Ciara like she's a delicious plate of ribs. Yes, I did steal that joke from Bennett, don't judge me. Not much else to say about this song. It sucks. Moving on.

13

     Hey, here's a statement that's not that controversial: hit singles of reality talent show winners tend to usually suck.

13) Song: This Is The Night

      Artist: Clay Aiken

      Year It Was #1: 2003

God, that face just looks so punchable, doesn't it?

     Well, if this isn't one of the most turgid, lifeless, bland, monotonous wastes of time I've ever heard, then I don't know what is. Okay, real talk, who here actually remembers Clay Aiken? The only things I remember about him are that he's openly gay, he made this dreck, and he did a song with Chaka Khan for a Phineas & Ferb TV special that happens to be one of the worst if not the worst Disney inspirational song I've ever heard. That's it. And honestly, I'm not surprised that people forgot about him, nor am I complaining because this guy's singing voice is just flat out terrible. No wonder this guy lost to Ruben Studdard in 2003. How this song managed to debut at number one and block the genuinely great Flying Without Wings from getting the top spot because Flying Without Wings really is a great song that is incredibly uplifting. This, on the other hand, is the Fight Song of '03, and make no mistake, I do not use that phrase lightly. Instrumentation that builds up to nothing but a loud, cluttered mess, lower yet nasal vocals from Clay with multiple elongated syllables that do nothing but just piss me off, lyrics that are meant to be seen as being saved from some sort of nonexistent struggle and actually wind up being completely worthless, the whole thing is just one gigantic mess. It's actually way worse than Fight Song in that regard. At least Rachel Platten could sing. Aiken's vocals make Darren Hayes of Savage Garden sound like Freddie Mercury. And it just goes on. And on. And ON! Seriously, this thing just feels endless even though it's only three and a half minutes long. I feel like I should have a beard and several wrinkles all over my body by the time I'm done listening to it. Of course, at least Clay isn't as universally hated as............

12

......these cretens. Or should I say, these Creedins............ I'll see myself out now.

Song: With Arms Wide Open

Artist: Creed

Year It Was #1: 2000

     I don't think I'll be breaking any new ground here when I say that Creed absolutely sucked. Their material was more often than not sludgy, lacking in any sort of raw power, energy, or memorable guitar riffs or melodies, their content was overly melodramatic nearly every single time, and Scott Stapp's voice is pure sandpaper to the ears. Nearly all of this, unsurprisingly, is true of their biggest hit to date, With Arms Wide Open, a completely gutless, formless guitar "rock" ballad about the joys of finding out that one is going to be a parent with all the life and suspense of a funeral reception. Again, I know that line's been said multiple times by now, but really, is it any less true? To be fair, this is probably Stapp's most tolerable vocal performance, mostly because he stays in his lower range, but that's not saying much when he still sounds like he was shot in the stomach multiple times and is now doubled over in pain. The guitar line may as well not even be there given how muddled and uninspired it sounds, and the solo near the end tries to add some substance into the song, but just does not work at all. The lyrics are about the narrator guiding his future son to take life by the hand and how ready he is to be his kid's guide and oh my god, this song is so saccharine it makes me want to get this shit out of my system by either throwing up until my esophagus erodes away completely or getting explosive diarrhea so severe that  I die of dehydration. Okay, maybe it's not that bad, but you see what I mean. Seriously, though, screw this song. Fuck you, Creed.

11

     Candy.

Song: Laffy Taffy

Artist: D4L

Year It Was #1: 2006

     Show of hands, how many people saw this coming? By now, this song has been thoroughly eviscerated by anyone who has ears and isn't a prepubescent teenager, and for good reason. The comparison of genitalia (most often, male genitalia) to candy has always been gross and unappealing, and whoever thought it was a good idea either has some issues he hasn't worked out with himself and is a total freak (and not in a good way), or he probably smoked a whole bunch of crack that had the added side effect of giving him a sweet tooth so bad that he could consume all the candy in the world, and it still wouldn't satisfy it. While I didn't like either of the other two songs to hit number one in this vein, Candy Shop by 50 Cent and Lollipop by Lil Wayne, the former at least had a decent beat even if it was the sterile mediocrity that Scott Storch was pumping out at the time, and the latter didn't really rise above just being plain boring. This, on the other hand, is just plain torture. From the overly simplistic beat to the juvenile, cringeworthy lyrics to Fabo himself sounding like he's singing the whole song like he's crying while doing so in the most vibrantly grating way possible, this song is just a trainwreck. It doesn't even loop back around from being awful to being awesome again, no, it's just plain terrible in every sense, no redeeming factor to be found. Also, Fabo, you do know that Jolly Ranchers are, like, an inch long and get smaller the longer you suck on them, right? If my understanding of oral sex is correct, that's not something that's supposed to happen.

     And now to close this part off with a few quick dishonorable mentions:

DHM1) Song: Baby Boy

              Artist: Beyoncé feat. Sean Paul

              Year It Was #1: 2003

Sterile, lifeless beat, phoned in performances from Beyoncé and Sean Paul, generic lyrics, complete waste of time

DHM2) Song: Shake Ya Tailfeather

              Artist: Nelly feat. P. Diddy & Murphy Lee

               Year It Was #1: 2003

Mind bogglingly awful, but way too stupid to get worked up over

DHM3) Song: 21 Questions

              Artist: 50 Cent feat. Nate Dogg

              Year It Was #1: 2003

An interesting concept and great Nate Dogg hook ruined by a limp beat and 50 Cent providing lyrics riddled with tonal whiplash and a plethora of groanworthy punchlines

DHM4) Song: I'm Real (Murder Remix)

              Artist: Jennifer Lopez feat. Ja Rule

              Year It Was #1: 2001

The beat is actually pretty decent, the lyrics are passable, Lopez herself sounds good, but Ja Rule is, like, the worst

And that does it for now. See you guys in part 2.