11) Song: Harlem Shake
Artist: Baauer
Year-End Billboard Position: 4
I feel pretty definitive and confident in saying this: had it not been for Billboard changing its qualification standards to allow YouTube into its stats, this song wouldn't have been anywhere near the charts, let alone hitting #1, and really, we would've all been better off in that scenario. I mean, really, what was there of value to this song to get a few idiots to post videos online of themselves just flopping around. As a song, it was absolutely terrible, and it definitely wasn't worth the three-minute runtime it has. All it is is that thudding, dull, sterile, headache-inducing bass that just goes on and on and on and on until your brain explodes. Say what you will about The Fox, at least that one sounded like an actual song. Ugh.
10) Song: Started From The Bottom
Artist: Drake
Year-End Billboard Position: 32
Yes, it's incredibly obvious that this song would be on my worst list. Why it's not higher is I actually don't mind the song musically. Still, I can see why many people don't like the musical elements of this song as it is pretty boring and lifeless, although that was kind of something to be expected seeing as the producer for this track was Mike Zombie. Okay, that was a cheap shot, but even with me not minding this song all that much musically, it's still not something I'm really all that in to, and Started From The Bottom still blows incredibly. Drake didn't start from the bottom, he's lying to us in the song by saying that, he came up upper-middle class, he was on Degrassi, yada yada yada, you know the rest. What bothers me even more is that even if he did start from nothing and work his way up to the top as he proclaims in this song, it would still blow as he goes in to no detail whatsoever of how he got to where he is today. Also, if the worst things he can think of that he went through growing up are occasionally arguing with his parents, working all night, occasionally getting caught in traffic, sometimes having to borrow his Uncle's car, and various other mild inconveniences, is it really that unsafe to assume that he didn't have that tough of a life to begin with? Drake, I like you and all, but this was pretty terrible. Well, got the (or, "an" I should say) obvious one out of the way. Let's continue on with the rest of the list.
9) Song: We Can't Stop
Artist: Miley Cyrus
Year-End Billboard Position: 17
Yeah, I may have liked Wrecking Ball enough to land it as high as #5 on my best list for 2013, but no, We Can't Stop is still awful. It's a song about having a good time at a party, and yet it sounds more like a desperate cry for help. Everything about this song is just depressing from Miley's sad sounding vocals, the bland, sloppy, lifeless production a la Mike Will Made-It (trust me, this won't be the first time we see him on this list), and just the overall sound is enough to really kill any positive vibes this song was trying to send. This doesn't sound like "woo, yeah, we can't stop having so much fun," it sounds more like "help, we can't stop partying and doing drugs, and we have a serious problem with that." Thankfully, this was more forgettable than anything, so I guess there's that. The song still blows, though.
8) Song: F**kin' Problems
Artist: A$AP Rocky, 2 Chainz, Drake, & Kendrick Lamar
Year-End Billboard Position: 41
Jesus, the swear concentration on this song. I mean, how did this get airplay? This is just way too explicit even for a rap song. Then of course there's the generic brag rapping and stupid double entendres that are used throughout the song by literally every artist on this track. Even Kendrick Lamar is terrible here, and I actually like him. And do I really need to say anything about the instrumentation that's been over-saturated with heavy amounts of bass? Really, the less we know of this song as time progresses, the better. NEXT!
7) Song: Pour It Up
Artist: Rihanna
Year-End Billboard Position: 70
Rihanna is kind of a mixed bag for me. Sure, she makes songs I think are awesome like Umbrella, Rude Boy, Disturbia, and heck, I even like some of her newer stuff like We Found Love and Where Have You Been. Other times, however, we get tripe like this. I don't hate Pour It Up as much as, say, Birthday Cake or Cockiness, but this is definitely one of Rihanna's worst songs. It's Rihanna making an oversexualized strip club song bragging about her riches in a very monotone and grating voice, and the song only got as much attention as it did because of the raunchy video. Need I say more? I think not.
6) Song: Holy Grail
Artist: Jay-Z feat. Justin Timberlake
Year-End Billboard Position: 22
Whoa, Hov, Timberlake, what the hell happened here? First off, this production is terrible. No, a few light piano cords and a little bit of percussion does NOT equate to being energetic. Second, what the heck happened to Jay's flow? It's all choppy and stilted. Isn't Jay-Z usually, you know, fluent and able to go with a rhythm easily? And Justin, oh boy, are your vocals whiny as ever. Finally, lyrical content. Ultimately, what the message of the song is how scared Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake are of fame one day tearing them down and leaving them with nothing. Alright, that's an idea I can get behind. The problem? Even putting aside what's outside of the actual song itself, I don't buy it coming from Jay. Justin, maybe, Jay, no. He just brings way too much machoness and egotism that it's hard to buy that he really is worried about what the future holds for him, especially considering all the bragging he does in this song. In the end, this song had a decent concept, but it turned to crap because of the execution. NEXT!
5) Song: Boys 'Round Here
Artist: Blake Shelton & The Pistol Annies
Year-End Billboard Position: 60
Oh goodie, more bro country. Here, we have Blake trying to pander to the crossover between country and hip hop (like there ever was one) yet still managing to maintain just about every kind of stereotype there is in country music (women, trucks, beer, etc.) within the song. Once again, we have a guest appearance that adds nothing, The Pistol Annies in this case, and a boring, slow country "rap" that ultimately amounts to just under 5 minutes of pure dreck.
4) Song: #thatPOWER
Artist: will.i.am & Justin Bieber
Year-End Billboard Position: 95
Well doesn't this song just scream generic? Seriously, everything in this song is astoundingly awful. From the hashtag lumping everything in to one word to two of the biggest douchebags in the music industry telling us in their own generic way that they're here to stay despite us DESPERATELY telling them to get the hell out, this song was doomed to be nothing more than a catastrophe. I usually don't mind will.i.am, but this was awful. The beat is weak, thus making the title dishonest, and you know your song is doomed when the best (or least awful I should say) part of your song is Justin freaking Bieber. I don't think anything more should be said about this song as it would just give will.i.am more attention and further inflate his already very balloon like ego.
3) Song: I'm Different
Artist: 2 Chainz
Year-End Billboard Position: 99
NO! You are NOT different, 2 Chainz. Enlighten us, Tity Boi, what makes you distinct and separate you from the rest of the mainstream rappers we have today? It's another brag rap talking about how rich he is and how many women he has sex with. In a nutshell, the title is a massive lie and an outright slap in the face to those like Macklemore and to a lesser extent Kendrick Lamar that really are different and set apart from the rest of the rap game. Seriously, you got a 4.0 in college? With songs like this, I don't buy it.
2) Song: UOENO
Artist: Rocko feat. Rick Ross & Future
Year-End Billboard Position: 87
UUUUUUUUUGHHHHHH!!!!!! This song is paaaaaaaiiiiiiinnnnnffuuuuulllllll.
First off, that limp synth line is absolutely skin crawling, not to mention how lifeless and completely devoid of any and all energy it is. Seriously, who could jam to this? I know I couldn't. Speaking of a lack of energy, we come to every single one of our awful performers. In this case, we have Future being his awful self and slurring all his bars in to an incomprehensible mess (as usual), Rocko biting from Migos' flow, and Rick Ross doing his usual stilted, slow, no flow style of rapping. Unfortunately, Ross is the only person on the song anyone can really understand, which isn't a good thing, especially considering he provides us with this line: "put molly all in her champagne, she ain't even know it, I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain't even know it." That's right, folks, Rick Ross, in a song about bragging about how awesome he is, just made a reference to drugging a girl and raping her. Why did this slip through the cracks yet people got all up in arms about Blurred freaking Lines, for crying out loud? I was veeeeeeeery close to calling this the worst hit song of 2013, and it's extremely hard to believe that I found a song worse than this, yet somehow, I did. Wanna see what it is?
1) Song: Love Me
Artist: Lil Wayne feat. Drake & Future
Year-End Billboard Position: 39
Oh dear God, THIS song. What isn't there that's wrong with this song? Mike Will Made-It's production is at its absolute worst with its dark, messy synths, lack of bass, and barely there percussion, and overall just not being pleasant at all. Drake's performance could pretty much be removed from the song, and nothing would change. He was completely unnecessary as he was only given one line to repeat ad nauseam that Future could've easily sang himself. Speaking of him, he's given the hook, and while this is arguably his "best" performance, that's not saying much considering he sounds like he's singing a goddamn lullaby. Really, though, the main culprit here is Lil Wayne. Generic rap cliches are one thing, and it would be bad enough, but the fact that there's so much misogyny and disrespect towards women displayed is just puke inducing. Worse yet is the fact that he's framing it all under the guise of "love." Uh, what? Dude, you're basically describing how you're only using these women as sex objects. There's no way you really love them. Like I said with UOENO, Blurred Lines gets a ton of flack yet this gets virtually nothing? What the hell, rest of America? Where are your morals? Love Me, my pick for the worst hit song of 2013. Lord knows I certainly don't love it. See you guys next time.
Disagreed on F***ing Problems
ReplyDeleteAgreed on all other grounds.
Good list.
Fair enough, though just curious, how come you disagree with F**kin' Problems?
DeleteI'm not too sure if I think Bugatti is so bad it's good or a trainwreck. Apart from me not being too sure on that one I'm generally in agreement. Some of the songs like 'I'm Different' and 'Cruise' I kinda enjoy in a guilty way but I mostly agree with you. I'm curious as to why U.O.E.N.O wasn't on the list though?
ReplyDeleteI personally don't mind Harlem Shake
ReplyDelete