Top 10 Worst Hit Songs Of 2019

Well, friends, we're at the end of the decade. It's been long and arduous with a bunch of ups and downs, twists and turns, and a complete mixed bag over all. In the end, though, those of us that are still here made it through, and that's all that should matter. As for this year as a whole in terms of music, it was alright. The main problem this year faced was just how stagnant the charts were for most of the year. Don't get me wrong, quite a bit of the music was actually pretty good, but none of it really seemed to move all that much, save for the occasional album bomb that would shake things up one in a blue moon. Still, as a whole, while it wasn't the best year of the decade by any means, there are certainly worse ways you can close off a decade (remember 2009?), so let's send this decade off right starting by taking out this year's trash. You all know the rules, let's jump on in to it.

10

Hey, remember when this was a thing?......Me neither.

10) Song: Mo Bamba

      Artist: Sheck Wes

      Year-End Position: 49

    You know, there are some things I can at least pretend to get even if the final product just bugs the hell outta me. Harlem Shake? It has its audience. What Does The Fox Say? Annoying as hell, but you could do worse. Hell, even songs like Watch Me and Hit The Quan are nothing more than stupid dance songs that you can forget about as soon as they're over. But this? Why the hell was this a hit? Why did people actively choose to listen to it? Between the broken ice-cream truck melody smothered in overbearing amounts of bass and our emcee just shouting at the top of his lungs with no sense of control whatsoever, just...who was this even made for? Some might say that it was just a dumb novelty, but like...what's the joke? Where is the punchline? It's nothing but a sheer annoyance through and through. Frankly, the only reasons it's this low on the list are that this is a very "blink and it's over" kind of song as well as the fact that Sheck himself does pick up some energy in the bridge and is actually pretty hype to listen to, but by then, it's too little too late, and all we're left with are just the dregs of a pounding headache this song caused. Next.

9

......Wait, we made this her biggest hit? Seriously?

9) Song: Without Me

    Artist: Halsey

    Year-End Position: 3

    I'm......pretty indifferent on Halsey. She's a fine enough singer even if she doesn't have the best or most pleasant voice out there, but there's nothing that makes her really stand out amongst her contemporaries to make me willingly choose to listen to her often. In terms of what she's put out over the years, it's a pretty mixed bag. She has some songs I like such as Strangers, Alone and Now Or Never. On the other hand, she's also put out some garbage like New Americana, Sorry and this song. This is just a slog to get through. This production has absolutely no punch at all. The watery melody and dismal synths set against the stiff clunk of the beat just does not sound good. It all sounds so plastic and fake, and in the end, it just winds up kinda nausea inducing. That is, of course, if it doesn't put you to sleep first with how boring it is. Then there's the lyrics where Halsey is meant to sound heartbroken and distraught, but they're so generic and wishy-washy that any emotion that could be wrung out is completely nonexistent. There's no thought or care put into them. They're just "you broke my heart, and yeah, I'm the one who put you high on this pedestal, but no, it's still somehow all your fault for the relationship failing." Like, jesus, take some responsibility for the relationship. This just makes you sound like a whiny teenager whose mom won't let her go hang out with her friends late on a school night. Speaking of which, that's how she sings the entire song, and man, is it grating. She just wails and moans all throughout the entire song, and it just sounds bad. This isn't heartbreaking, it's irritating as hell. Seriously, we couldn't have made Alone her biggest hit? Or Strangers? Or Colors? Hell, I'd even take Nightmare, at least that song is interesting. Yeah, I went there. Moving right along.

8

Oh, Lil Baby. You just suck.

8) Song: Close Friends

    Artist: Lil Baby & Gunna

    Year-End Postion: 74

    Seriously, what is this guy's appeal? He is the squeakiest, least coherent, most generic of the vast swath of trap emcees to garner hits over the past few years, and yet he sticks around? Why? I'm really regretting not putting Yes Indeed on last years list, not only because of how unfinished it is, but just how completely embarrassing it is. And yeah, embarrassing is exactly how I would describe this song as well. Unenthusiastic performances from both Tiny Infant and whoever the fuck Gunna is (is he even a real person?), droning beat comprised of these barely there guitars and hazy, depressing synths, gee, that makes me really wanna listen to this song 😒. This could've worked if the song was going for something like, say, the dangers of drug dependence and addiction, but given who we're dealing with, of course we're not gonna get that. What do we get instead? Shitty, petty melodrama, of course. This is a song about how our narrator is lamenting how "oh, we used to be so close, but then you went and changed, and now I miss how things used to be between us." Great, another one of those songs. When is this mentality gonna die? People, just because one or both of you "change," that's not inherently a bad thing. You have to learn, you have to grow, not just as people but as a unit, otherwise what's the point of being in a relationship to begin with? And even worse is that Small Newborn and Firearm here are placing all the blame on their partners for the relationships failing yet give every single bit of evidence that they're the ones who cheated, fucked it all up, and then tried to save face by attempting to buy the relationship back and give half-formed apologies with delivery so lazy and slurred that it sounds like they downed half a gallon of lean before entering the studio. Actually, that sounds like the perfect explanation of how this song came to be. No further discussion needed.

7

Oh, hey, look what position this song is in. Haha, aren't I so clever and totally original?

7) Song: 7 Rings

    Artist: Ariana Grande

    Year-End Position: 7

    Oh hey, would you look at that, I just won the lottery. Alright, all jokes aside, let me make it clear that I'm a huge fan of Ariana Grande. Sweetener was a good album, and while thank u, next isn't quite as good, it still holds up pretty well for the most part. That said, it isn't like even Ari's best albums don't have their duds. There's Baby I from Yours Truly, Hands On Me from My Everything,  Everyday from Dangerous Woman, the title track of Sweetener, and now this song. But at least none of those other songs went very far on the charts. This, on the other hand, managed to get a number one debut on the Hot 100, and man, did it not deserve it. Let's talk about the elephant in the room first and foremost, no, I do not think this song is bad because of "cultural appropriation." I think this song is bad because it is a total trainwreck in terms of musicality. Stilted, awkward melody, glassy synths, percussion mixed way too loud and drills into your skull, I feel like I'm gonna throw up listening to this. And Ariana, what are you doing with your voice here? You are a powerhouse vocalist, so why are you reducing yourself to a damn whisper and a stilted rap verse? No, just...no. But then we get the lyrics, and look, I get that Ari has had an incredibly tough time, and yeah, she definitely deserves all the rest she can get, but for her to brag about her wealth in the most condescending, detached way that makes her sound like a spoiled teenager whose parents paid for anything and everything and continue to to this day is absolutely insufferable. Last thing I'll say here: there was a time I used to actually like this song (how, I have no idea) before it absolutely soured on me. During that time, a certain someone asked if people liked this song, and I replied as one of the people who did. Little did I know that some of those replies would wind up in his review of the song, much less that mine would be one of them. So the one time I appear in one of this particular famous reviewer's videos is when I said I liked this song......whoops.

6

Now for the hot take of this particular list.

6) Song: All To Myself

    Artist: Dan + Shay

    Year-End Position: 97

    As you may recall last year, I put Tequila as one of my favorite hit songs of 2018, and I stand by that. Since then, Dan + Shay have garnered quite a few more crossover hits and have shown that they do indeed have staying power, which I am all for since I do indeed like this duo. Nevertheless, not everything they've touched has turned to gold, and while songs like Speechless and 10,000 Hours may be considered sterile or safe, at least they're still decent songs in their own right. All To Myself, however, is easily my least favorite song I have heard from these guys thus far, and I kinda don't really know why. Is it the fact that Shay Mooney is just sorta going through the motions in terms of his performance and just not sounding like he's all the way awake yet? Is it the mess that is the instrumentation that consists of a near inaudible snap beat, weak guitar, innocuous piano line, and pounding snare drums that make the whole thing just fade into the background way too easily? Or is it the entire premise of the song? Look, I get that this guy saying he wants his girl all to himself is supposed to be all cutesy and whatnot, and that's how it's played off, but I'm sorry, it just doesn't sound right, and him saying that he's jealous of all these various things cuz all he wants is her is not only really dumb, but preceding every single line of the verses like that just makes for an incredibly monotonous and tedious listening experience. I dunno, maybe it's just not for me, but I felt really let down by this one. Guys, you're better than this.

5

Brendon Urie, what the actual fuck are you doing?

5) Song: Hey Look Ma, I Made It

    Artist: Panic! At The Disco

    Year-End Position: 61

     Panic! has always been one of those bands that you either really love or really hate. Personally, I've always fell more on the side of liking them. That is, of course, until their 2016 album Death Of A Bachelor happened, where Brendon Urie pretty much just took the band's name for himself and made it a solo project entirely of his own doing. It still gave us some straight up bangers such as Emperor's New Clothes, but it also gave us some straight up garbage. Guess which category this song falls into. Absolutely nothing about this song works. Urie's vocals here alternate between sounding like he just woke up and screeching at the top of his lungs, and neither sound good at all. I know the dude knows how to manage his range and dynamic, so why he's choosing not to here is completely beyond me. Then there's the lyrics. If you thought 7 Rings condescended to its audience, then this takes that and makes it a whole lot worse. Look, I get being happy that you were able to make it big as a musician, but rubbing it in absolutely everyone's face including those who are happy for you and supported you the whole way just makes you look like a complete tool. And the "if you lose, boohoo" line? Dude, fuck you. But I'll be honest, the only reason this song is up so high because it just flat out sounds abysmal. What is that static tunelessness on the verses? Why is there no build up? How come the horns sound like that? I've heard my fair share of fake horns in songs, but at least they try to sound like, y'know, horns, not some sort of synthetic, flailing mush. The whole thing just sounds broken and headache inducing. Do I like the previous two singles from Pray For The Wicked? Yes. Do I like this one? Well, it's this high up on this list, so there's your hint on that one. Is PFTW a good album? I don't know, but if the rest of it is anything like this, best guess is probably not.

4

You ever one of those songs that just makes you so unbearably uncomfortable that any time you hear it, you feel like you gotta wear a whistle around your neck and carry some pepper spray just in case? Yeeeaaah, this would be one of those songs for me.

4) Song: Swervin'
    Artist: A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie feat. 6ix9ine
    Year-End Position: 82

    A Boogie is one of those artists that I think I should like more than I actually do. His sing-songy flow is catchy and he's usually saddled with production that fits his voice well and is pretty fun to listen to. Yet his content is your typical flexing, money, cars, guns, drugs, hoes, etc. that you see from just about any other trap artist on the market today, and as such, it just goes in one ear and out the other. Every now and again, though, he manages to put out something that just absolutely makes me grind my teeth when listening to this, and unfortunately, that song happened to make this year's YE chart. For one thing, this beat is unfinished as hell.Two note, burbling bass and trap hi-hats. That's it. Where the hell is the rest of the song? Boogie tries to salvage that with his delivery, but it just isn't working. Between sounding all Xanax'd up and uncomfortably pushing his voice into his upper range, none of what he's doing on this song sounds impressive or anywhere near fun to listen to. Then there's the content. Picking up girls is one thing, dude, but please, don't give me the imagery of you breathing down a girl's neck and about to force her to do acts she clearly doesn't consent to, especially with lines like how you're gonna "make her nervous." This is supposed to sound slinky and smooth, not tense and horrifying. I know people have said those same things about A Boogie's other hit this year, Look Back At It, but at least in that song, he wasn't nearly as demanding as he is here, and the beat manages to balance its dark atmosphere with some more full and bouncy elements. This just makes me want to crawl into a corner and curl up into the fetal position. Speaking of doing things to women without their consent......goddammit, why is 6ix9ine here? His aggro-shouting thing does not fit in with the rest of the song at all, and of all the times to sound intimidating, neither the time or place, dude. Seriously, thank god this literal clown is rotting in prison as we speak. I dunno about you guys, but I'll definitely be Swervin' as to make sure I avoid this song at all costs.

3

Welp, you all saw this one coming.

3) Song: Someone You Loved

    Artist: Lewis Capaldi

    Year-End Position: 27

    Yeah, let's face it: this is so thoroughly a nothing of a song and a complete waste of space that we're just gonna run through the main reasons this song fails on so many levels and be done with it.

• Basic four-chord piano melody that goes absolutely nowhere and has absolutely nothing to offer? Check

• Lyrics that do absolutely nothing to stand out beyond your generic "I'm sad that you left me" platitudes that ultimately come off as completely selfish and assholish? Check 

 And the cherry on top of the big ol' shit sundae

• A godawful vocalist who can't sing for his fucking life?

"and IIIIIIIIIIIIIII-"

Oh, BIG check

There. Now nobody ever has to even think about this song again at any point in time. Let's move on.

2

Remember what I said earlier about Dan + Shay?......Well, at least they were trying.

2) Song: Eyes On You

    Artist: Chase Rice

    Year-End Position: 96

    Oh god, this one. I was completely prepared for this song to miss the year-end and instead put something like, I dunno, Talk You Out Of It or Money in a far lower position on this list, thus leaving Someone You Loved as the clear-cut number 2 before rattling off the songs that just missed the cut and finally revealing what topped this entire thing. But no, this just barely gathered up enough points to scrape on to the bottom 20% of the YE, and for the love of god, seriously? Of all fucking people, Chase goddamn Rice? For those that have never heard of this guy, think Sam Hunt but with even less personality, somehow even more meatheaded and douchey, and with a way worse voice. Say what you will about Hunt, but at least he has a pleasant voice to listen to, even if literally every other element surrounding him is as pleasant as having your leg amputated without any anesthesia. Rice, meanwhile, does nothing but fill out every bro-country cliché in the book with zero personality whatsoever, singing in this constantly raspy tone that never compliments any of the production he's saddled with, though it's not like that'd ever be possible given that most of the time he's stuck with instrumentation that is often times clunky and way-overproduced. This song right here is the very hallmark of Chase's laziness boiled right down to its very essence. Sterile production with plodding drum machines, filmy guitars, and a limp piano all trudging along at a snail's pace and just feeling gross to listen to, Rice giving his usual phoned-in performance and even jacking Sam Hunt's awful speak-sing thing, and lyrics that just make me wretch. The entire premise of this song is that no matter where he and his girl go or what they do, he just can't help but take his eyes off her. Not entirely bad in and of itself, but the problems seep in with a few things. For one, I don't care how romantic you try and phrase it, saying that you always enjoy having your eyes on someone is massively creepy and kills any sense of romance you may have been going for. Second, Rice clearly does not care about her as a person and is only in the relationship to ogle at her body. He's even flat out stupid enough to outright say it talking about how he doesn't care about things like being in Times Square on New Year's Eve or talking about how whenever they go on vacation, they may as well just stay in the room the entire time because he can never remember anything they do together, only the times where he's looking at her. This is vile, and the fact that it's framed as being romantic just plain makes my stomach churn. And the sad part is this isn't even the worst Chase Rice has to offer. There's songs like Ready, Set, Roll, Gonna Wanna Tonight, Whisper, seriously, this guy is just among the worst the genre has to offer. Hell, he even has a more punchable face than Sam Hunt.

How the hell do you even manage that?

Alright, home stretch. Dishonorable mention time.

Song: MIA
Artist: Bad Bunny feat. Drake
Year-End Position: 44

Well, this one got annoying super fast. Flat, monotonous reggaeton beat, Bad Bunny still not sounding very good, Drake adding nothing (in other words, being his usual self); it had potential, but man, what a waste.



Song: The London
Artist: Young Thug feat. J. Cole & Travis Scott
Year-End Position: 64

Annoying 



 



Song: Taki Taki
Artist: DJ Snake feat. Ozuna, Selena Gomez & Cardi B
Year-End Position: 57

Grating

Song: Thotiana

Artist: Blueface

Year-End Position: 47

Oh my god, shut the fuck up.

Song: Be Alright
Artist: Dean Lewis
Year-End Position: 54

Its heart is in the right place, but the depressing music and Dean Lewis's vocals completely drag it down.







Song: You Need To Calm Down
Artist: Taylor Swift
Year-End Position: 39

Its heart is in the right place, but the limp beat and Taylor misguidedly comparing people writing negative stuff about her to those who have bigoted views against the LGBTQ+ community completely drag it down. Definitely check out the rest of Lover, though. It's a pretty good album.








Song: Look What God Gave Her
Artist: Thomas Rhett
Year-End Position: 85

Thomas Rhett......why? Why would you regress from making Marry Me, not only the best hit of last year, but the best song of your entire career, to this overproduced, meatheaded bro country shlock where you're oggling at a girl's ass? What a disappointment.








Song: Baby
Artist: Lil Baby & DaBaby
Year-End Position: 84

You get it? It's called Baby, and it's by Lil Baby and DaBaby. That totally makes up for this being mumbly, generic mush with a seasick beat. Ugh.

Alright, time for num-It's Chris Brown.
 

1) Song: No Guidance
    Artist: Chris Brown feat. Drake
    Year-End Position: 21

    Yeah, sorry for the premature reveal, but just.........uuuuuuuuuggggghhhhhhhh. Of all the songs that have come and gone throughout this decade, for the life of me, nothing has boggled my mind more than the fact that not only has domestic abuser Chris Brown has continued to have chart success, but that he keeps landing songs on year-end lists despite the fact that, even going beyond...that incident, his music just keeps going down in terms of quality. Seriously, what is it that keeps people coming back to these stale, generic, overproduced beats that have no sense of texture, rhythm or melody to them, vocals completely slathered in autotune to the point that even hearing them a little bit can make you go deaf, and lyrics that is generic flexing and rampant, unchecked misogyny and completely down-talking its audience? Even worse is what a shitstain Brown is to humanity, and no, I can't "separate the art from the artist" because he consistently brings his baggage into the content of damn near everything he puts out, this song being no exception, so you can't discuss the lyrics without talking about all the shitty things he's done. And no, it's not just the fact that he battered Rihanna, it's also all of his drunken, violent outbursts, incredibly homophobic, racist, and bigoted remarks he's made on social media and in person, the half-formed, mealy-mouthed "apologies" he keeps giving that, let's face it, if you think he's serious in any of them, I have a bridge to sell you, and even goddamn accusations of rape, all of which he keeps getting away with and excused, and if ever there was a prime example of how cancel culture doesn't fucking work, we have exhibit A right the fuck here, everybody. In this song, Brown is being the controlling dick that he usually is, demanding that this girl not play any games and just fuck him already, insists that he is the only man she needs in her life, he's all she needs on her playlist, and I'm sorry, if I didn't know just how much of an abuser this human waste of space was, there would be about a million red flags raising just from these lyrics alone. Ladies, do any of you actually find this kind of shit attractive? Constantly being gaslit, devalued, and pushed around by one guy who only looks out for his own needs and no one else's all the while completely dragging anyone who crosses his path down with him? Cuz I wouldn't. At all. All of this because, according to Drake, she decided to go her own way at 17 and didn't have anyone else to guide her through her life, thus giving these dickbags free reign to do whatever they want with her. Uh, NO! That is not how any of this works. Also, Drake, you're the last person who should be singing about 17-year-olds considering the stuff that's come out about what you do to some of your underage fans as well as trying to date people like Millie Bobbie Brown and Billie Eilish. Sidenote:go spend time with your fucking kid, you asshole. Yeah, don't think I forgot about that. Anyway, pair all this with a drowsy performance from Drake, CB's caterwauling at its absolute worst, and a beat so boring and sparse in terms of melody that it's barely a step up from Back To Sleep, and you have the song from this year that had the absolute least to offer. Some may say that's Someone You Loved, but at least that one gave off a faux-attempt to look like it was trying. This song doesn't even do that. It's reprehensible on every conceivable level, and for that, it is the absolute worst hit song of 2019. I swear to god, if I have to continue hearing this and several other Chris Brown songs at the bar I work at, I will eventually blow my freakin' brains out. Seriously, can there please come a time where we leave this overgrown shitstain behind the rest of civilized society? PLEASE?????? Best list coming soon, but until then, take care.