Wednesday, December 18, 2019

Top 10 Best Hit Songs Of 2019

Alright, on to the good stuff. Time for the final list of the decade. Let's send it off.


10
Alright, let's start off with something country......well, -ish.

10) Song: Whiskey Glasses
      Artist: Morgan Wallen
      Year-End Position: 52
    This is a song that, by all measures, I should not like anywhere near as much as I do. From its muddy production that can barely pass for country, the rough twang in Morgan Wallen's vocals that are really hard to listen to, and lyrics that juxtapose dumb drinking metaphors with a detail-less breakup, this song should drive me up the wall. And yet, for some reason...it just works. Why is that? Well, for one thing, while Morgan doesn't exactly have the most pleasant voice to listen to, he sells the anguish and desperation of just drowning his sorrows in booze just to forget the pain brought on by his girl leaving him. You just have to feel for the guy, really. Helping you feel for him are the lyrics, which actually have some well placed double meanings ("pour/poor me," "last call, I ain't drunk dialin' no more at 3AM," "Imma need some whiskey glasses, cuz I don't wanna see the truth"). The premise is pretty basic, as stated before, nothing more than a guy just wanting to get this girl off his mind with some alcoholic assistance, and yet the way it's presented is with this tone that goes for both upbeat and fun as well as dour and depressing at the same time. Yeah, it winds up a muddled and confusing mess, but that's really kinda the point. Situations like this are perplexing as hell and can throw you through a real loop. You wanna have all the fun you can, so you try to push through, and yet those thoughts still haunt you and attempt to hinder your good time as much as possible. It can be really jarring. This brings up to the production, where while the bass is a little sludgy, the subtle twang of the guitar and banjos set against the drum machines make the song sound a fun as possible while also as depressing as possible, and in the end, they land in a pretty decent middle spot. It's not the most pleasant sounding thing out there, but it works in spades for what it's going for. As someone who doesn't drink, all I can say is line 'em up line 'em up line 'em up line 'em up, knock 'em back knock 'em back knock 'em back knock 'em back.




9
Alright, now that I've gotten my least agreeable pick out of the way, time for one of the most agreeable. Ice cold take: Lizzo is amazing.

9) Song: Truth Hurts
    Artist: Lizzo
    Year-End Position: 13
    Lizzo is one of the most charismatic acts in music we have today. Everything she does just exudes raw emotion, so much so that it's hard not to get sucked in by the sheer power of her writing, production and vocal delivery. The big hit she had this year was Truth Hurts, and my god, does it slap. The looping piano line is catchy and infectious, and set against the heavier trap snares, the song has momentum for days. On top of that, we have Lizzo herself, whose vocals, while not the greatest, just show how much confidence she has in every single ounce of her being and with every emotion she shows. From anger to sadness to relief to snarky wit and sarcasm, is there anything this woman can't do? Then there's the content, where Lizzo was once distraught by everything that her previous partner put her through, but now has not only moved on and found someone new, but has learned to love herself in the process, and that's exactly what this feels like. This is the exact type of song anyone can turn to if they're having a rough time, relationships or otherwise, and immediately feel better about themselves, which is always a good thing. This isn't Lizzo's best song as Juice definitely deserved better, and her current top 10 hit, Good As Hell, is leagues better than this one, but this is still a bop all the same, and if Lizzo is gonna be sticking around, I am more than okay with that. Good stuff.




8
Number one song of the year, one of the biggest songs of all time, and breaking Despacito and One Sweet Day's record for longest running  #1 in the history of the Hot 100? Yep, I'd say it was deserved.

8) Song: Old Town Road (Remix)
    Artist: Lil Nas X feat. Billy Ray Cyrus
    Year-End Position: 1
    Of all the songs to become popular not just from this year, but from this decade, I can't think of a song that has had this much buzz surrounding it. From the controversy arising from Billboard removing it from its country charts, to Lil Nas X coming out as gay, to Mr. Achy Breaky Heart hopping on the remix, not to mention the dozens of other remixes that exist of this song, and of course, the big one of this becoming the longest running number one song in Hot 100 history, there is nothing that became bigger than Old Town Road in all of the 2010s as a whole. And one listen to the song will tell you why because it is excellent. This country-trap fusion should be a disaster, and yet, the light banjos contrasted against the heavier trap skitters makes for this smoky atmosphere that fits the ol' western atmosphere it's going for like a glove, as does each of our performers with Lil Nas X giving a deeper voice with a southern accent that sounds great for his verse, dipping into his upper register for his hook, and Billy Ray utilizing his raspier voice for both his verse and hook, not to mention how amazing the harmonization of them both on the final chorus sounds. All of this for lyrics about wanting to free and live off the trail. This song truly is an anomaly, yet I like to think it wouldn't be this huge if it didn't have so many memorable moments, and for all the right reasons cuz this kinda really fucking rules.




7
Oh, hey, I can finally say this now: Sam Smith is heckin' amazing.

7) Song: Dancing With A Stranger
    Artist: Sam Smith & Normani
    Year-End Position: 14
    Up until this point, Sam Smith has always been an artist I've always considered good but not great. Sure, with the exception of Lay Me Down, which I still consider an emotional masterpiece, songs like Stay With Me and I'm Not The Only One are good, but they're not quite great. They got really close in 2017 with Too Good At Goodbyes, which in hindsight is way better than I remembered it being, but holy crap, did they come out swinging this year, and keep in mind, their other big hit, How Do You Sleep?, is only barely missing out on the honorable mentions. This, on the other hand, was a shoe-in for the list proper right from the get-go. The beat is lush and beautiful from its spacey synths, muted guitar licks, and a backbeat with a fairly nice pulse to it. It's almost like an out of body experience listening to it. Lyrically, this is a song detailing that while yes, Sam and Normani did break up with their respective partners (presumably each other in this instance), neither are prepared to deal with the severe loneliness that instantly follows after that level of separation, so they find themselves in the arms of a completely random bystander to numb the pain. It's not the best solution, but there's nothing else they can do, and they both sell that sort of resigned emotional exhaustion in absolute spades. Pretty much, just like with Whiskey Glasses, this is a song that knows how to balance being upbeat whilst also a pretty big downer at the same time, only in a much more palatable format. Sidenote: earlier this year, Sam Smith came out as nonbinary, hence my use of they/them pronouns, even when referring to just Sam. Can we have more openly nonbinary/trans/genderqueer/etc. artists with big hits, preferably as good or maybe even better than this? That would be awesome.




6
As someone who has anxiety......and that's all I need to say. Show it.

6) Song: breathin'
    Artist: Ariana Grande
    Year-End Position: 72
    Yeah, let's be real: you can't talk about this song without mentioning anxiety at least in some form. That's entirely what this song is about and is exemplified in how it sounds. That's not without good reason, though, as anyone with anxiety, such as myself, can easily latch on to this, mostly because if there's any artist currently in the mainstream who knows what it's like to deal with something as debilitating as that, it would be Ariana. Seriously, over the past few years, from having one of her concerts shot up to losing her ex-BF Mac Miller (may he rest in peace) to even having her body touched inappropriately at Aretha Franklin's funeral of all places (may she also rest in peace), not to mention the media following her around everywhere and getting invasive of her personal space at every single turn, thus causing her to rush her last two albums to be within six months of each other, yeah, this girl needs some rest. Much like with how I regret not putting Yes Indeed on last year's worst list, I definitely regret not putting No Tears Left To Cry on last year's best list even more because that was a fantastic song where Ariana picks up the pieces and moves on with her life, and this is that, but even better. The production managing to be both sonically pleasing to the ears with the tense vibes and shimmering synths, Ariana conveying the feeling of pushing on even when everything around you is falling apart with her vocals being effective without even needing to full on belt, and the lyrics being clearly the most potent thing about it. Sometimes, when everything around you falls apart in what looks like an instant, suddenly things become disorienting, and even the tiniest thing can make you break down. Remembering to take a few deep breaths, though, and clear your mind any way you can without hurting yourself or others really does help a lot, and it's nice to see that put into song form. From the bottom of my heart, for making a song like this, Ariana, thank you. Next song.




5
About damn time this guy redeemed himself.

5) Song: God's Country
    Artist: Blake Shelton
    Year-End Position: 53
     You know, it may be hard to believe, but there was a time when Blake Shelton was actually really good. I'm not just talking about in the early 2000s with songs like Some Beach, Austin, and The Baby, either, no, I even mean some of his early 2010s works like God Gave Me You and Honey Bee. Then it all turned to complete shit when he released that godawful Boys 'Round Here song in 2013, and ever since, things just haven't been the same. Sure, every now and again, you get a gem like I'll Name The Dogs or Lonely Tonight, but more often than not, you get outright trash like Neon Light or She's Got A Way With Words. Hell, even the song that came directly after this, Hell Right, is a steaming pile of complete and utter gunk. All that said, he managed to recapture that lightning in a bottle with this song. Hearkening back to the days of songs like Ol' Red, this song is epic. Those rougher acoustic guitars along with those big sounding drums and larger than life bells create this grandiose and epic feeling, almost like you're a gladiator preparing for the fight of your life. There's not much to this one in terms of content, pretty much your stereotypical song about working hard and partaking in working your fingers to the bone and how that impeccable work ethic will make you look all the better when it comes time to meet the almighty, but holy shit, everything about the backing instrumentation and Blake Shelton's more rugged, bombastic performance makes me just wanna go out, plow a field, and not stop until every single inch of it was full of corn, tomatoes, and other such fruits, vegetables and plants. Blake, I know you don't really make music as good as this anymore, but can you return to it, please? It'd sure be cool if you did.





4
Best new artist of the year, without question.

4) Song: Bury A Friend
    Artist: Billie Eilish
    Year-End Position: 73
    Billie Eilish is a goddamn national treasure. Pretty much, she is the USA's response to Lorde, and I'll be damned if she isn't on or at least near her level. From songwriting that is far more mature than you would usually expect from those in her age range, production that alternates between weird and off-putting and quiet and lovely, and a voice that's delicate enough to sound aesthetically pleasing yet still dynamic enough to handle whatever mood the song calls for, everything about her music strikes gold almost each and every time. That's before we even get to Bury A Friend itself, though, which is on a whole 'nother league. Like, seriously, you just don't hear pop songs on the radio like this, and yet, she managed to sneak one in, and bless her for it because it is brilliant. The thumping percussion that leads into the multitracked vocals paired with a killer bass line makes for this eerie atmosphere that's hard to deny. And it's all that creepiness that works insanely well with how the lyrical content is presented with Billie confronting her demons and the voices in her head, which may or may not have to do with the death of a close friend, starting off initially scared and timid, afraid as hell of what's to come, but slowly but surely, not only does she rise above and conquer those demons, she actually becomes so in control that those demons in turn become scared of her, and she's able to treat their mere presence as some sort of fun little game, all of which is punctuated by those screams and screeching noises that, by the end, turn into nothing but small little whimpers. This is the type of music that you just don't see on the pop charts, and the fact that someone like her was able not only to break through with it, but make it big by making it her entire brand is just astounding as fuck. She would continue this with Bad Guy, which would become her biggest hit to date, even reaching the top spot on the Hot 100, but let's be real, while that song is good, this song is one of her best leaps and bounds. Plus this song doesn't have a misguided Justin Bieber remix. Just sayin'.




3
Oh, hi Posty.

3) Song: Circles
    Artist: Post Malone
    Year-End Position: 62
    Well, it took long enough, but I can finally say with confidence that I enjoy Post Malone's music a lot. Funnily enough, for as bad as his start was, slowly but surely, he's been improving as an artist. Yes, songs like White Iverson and I Fall Apart still suck, but Better Now barely missed my best list last year, and save for an odd track or two out, I can without hesitation say that Hollywood's Bleeding is a really good album. And while I personally would've preferred the absolute rock slammer Take What You Want to be a bigger hit than it was (seriously, here's hoping that gains some real traction next year), this is a really good consolation prize. The best way to summarize this song would be to call it pleasantly frigid. It sounds really cold, and somehow, it still maintains this groove that persists throughout the song that's incredibly easy to vibe to with the blurry acoustics that have these airy effects surrounding them, thumping drums and a simple four-note electric guitar melody in the hook that just sounds blissful. Content-wise, this is a song about a relationship that has turned tumultuous. They fight, argue, cheat on each other, the works, but every single time they try to leave each other, in the end, they always wind up back together. Not for the sappy-ass "oh, I guess we were just meant to be together" reasoning, but for the simple fact that no matter how toxic the relationship gets, neither of them can stand the feeling of loneliness, thus they wind up back with each other only to keep the cycle going over and over again. It's frustrating, it's maddening, but they're both so emotionally spent and out of energy to give that they've just turned inexplicably blasé about the whole thing. And that's exactly how Post sings, so drained and defeated that he's just come to accept that this is how it's always gonna be no matter how much he tries to save a relationship that's so obviously on its last legs, and yeah, he sounds really good. Hell, even his quasi-yodeling kinda works here. So yeah, I guess you can consider me a Post Malone fan now. Who'd have ever thought?




2
Even without having seen the movie this is from, it didn't take long for me to connect with this one instantly. Then again, how could I not? It's Lady friggin' GaGa.

2) Song: Shallow
    Artist: Lady GaGa & Bradley Cooper
    Year-End Position: 19
    For almost the entire first half of the year, this was set to be my number one. This is the song I kept coming back to time and time again, it was just that potent. And the funny thing is I haven't even seen A Star Is Born, and it'll probably be a while before I get around to actually sitting down and watching it, that is, if that happens at all. That's not to say that I have a lack of interest in doing so, I certainly do wanna see it, but I just haven't had the time between working two jobs and being so worn down and tired on my days off that all I wanna do is curl up in bed and either fiddle with my phone, play Super Mario Maker 2, or sleep like there's no tomorrow. However, even with all of that, something tells me that even if I never ever get around to watching A Star Is Born, I won't need to because this song is so goddamn powerful and hard hitting that it transcends the need for any context the movie could provide. Holy hell, what a song. Who would've thought the best country song of the year would come from Lady GaGa of all people? Starting off with the instrumentation, that delicate acoustic guitar line is the thing that initially grabs your heart before the staid piano chords and more abrasive electric guitars come in. And that drum build and explosion of sheer release in the second half is just plain exhilarating. And the vocal chemistry between GaGa and Bradley Cooper? Ah, just immaculate. Cooper handles the more comforting, kinda serious side of things where GaGa is more raw and emotional, and the harmonies between the two on the hook just sound flat out amazing. And don't even get me started on that vocal run that she does right before the final hook of the song. The way she twists and contorts those notes with such conviction makes it sound like her heart is about to explode right out of her chest. All of this for a song about a relationship that has taken its toll and isn't looking to bright for the future, but both partners are still holding out hope that things will eventually get better, even if the chances of that happening are quite faint. This is the type of soundtrack hit we need more of, and it easily would've secured the top of this list had it not been for a certain masterpiece garnering enough points to make the year-end, but before we get to that.........


Final set of honorable mentions for the 2010s.


Song: My Type
Artist: Saweetie
Year-End Position: 76
 Admittedly, this one kinda snuck up on me, but hey, reworked beat from Freek-A-Leek (and is eons better than that song ever was) and Saweetie herself oozing charisma, yeah, this is a female sexual expression anthem from this year at its best. Well, except maybe for......




Song: Hot Girl Summer
Artist: Megan Thee Stallion feat. Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla $ign
Year-End Position: 93
I mean, what really needs to be said here? Smooth beat with some summer vibes, Megan and Nicki at their best, and a great hook from Ty. Now if it was only released during, you know, summer, so it could've lasted a lot longer.



Song: Rumor
Artist: Lee Brice
Year-End Position: 81
Did I mention that country had a really good year? Cuz it did.



Song: Better
Artist: Khalid
Year-End Position: 20
Vibes



Song: Sunflower
Artist: Post Malone & Swae Lee
Year-End Position: 2
Even more vibes



Song: The Git Up
Artist: Blanco Brown
Year-End Position: 56
I don't care how "corporate" this feels. It's a good dance song with a loose beat that balances the twangy guitar and trap beat perfectly, and Blanco Brown is just having so much fun with it. How people are actually getting mad at this is beyond me.



Song: High Hopes
Artist: Panic! At The Disco
Year-End Position: 11
This one I can see why people hate, but I personally just have a blast listening to those triumphant horns, that explosive percussion, and Brendon Urie singing his lungs out with how genuinely grateful he is that he made it big.



Song: a lot
Artist: 21 Savage feat. J. Cole
Year-End Position: 42
Who could've seen something this insightful and introspective coming from 21 Savage of all people? Gee, if only there was a two word phrase I could use to describe how much maturity and growth he displays on this song.
And now......

1
I think you all knew what it would be before reading this.

1) Song: Baby Shark
    Artist: Pinkfong
    Year-End Position: 75
 
     I mean, come on. This is just adorable. Who doesn't love a charming tale of a shark family hunting down and eating humans sung mostly by children over a bouncy dance be-okay, seriously, you all know my real number one is when the party's over.

1) Song: Baby Shark when the party's over
    Artist: Pinkfong Billie Eilish
    Year-End Position: 75 67
     Seriously, how could it not be this? It may be a predictable as hell choice that will appear on and more than likely top several other lists, but if there was ever any song that deserved it, I can't think of any other song to point to than this. If Bury A Friend is a good example of her being able to pull off weird and off-putting, this is her showing how effortlessly she pulls off quiet and lovely because wow, this is an absolute heartbreaker right here. This is essentially the embodiment of a relationship coming to the most bitter of all ends. It's hard as hell to let go, and although you know it's for the best, just that alone isn't enough to dull the severe amount of sheer heartache even a little bit. Let's be real, we've all been there before. We have to let someone go when we realize they're not who we thought they were, and although we know it's for the best moving on from them, that is easier said than done. This song captures the whirlwind of emotions associated with the moment right before the moving on itself actually happens. From anger to sadness to regret to, ultimately, resigned acceptance. We're so worn down by all of these emotions that yeah, there's nowhere to go but up, but in those crucial hours, all we wanna do is lay in bed and bawl our eyes out until our tearducts run completely dry. And that's exactly what Billie sounds like on this song. So distraught from all of the turmoil that her voice constantly cracks, revealing her vulnerability bit by bit giving a tearful presentation that if you don't well up even a little bit after hearing all that, then I do not know how you can even call yourself human. Yes, this is a song that wallows in its misery, but unlike most songs in that vein, there is that wink and nod type of acknowledgement that things will get better and that it's always darkest before the dawn. It just so happens that right now, in the moment, things seem bleak and depressing as fuck. And the instrumentation mirrors that flawlessly with the layered vocals, the stripped back piano, and faint trails of wispy percussion in the background. And when I say the vocals are layered, I mean they are layered. That "call me back" part gets me each and every single time. Above all, though, this is my number one because of just how much care and effort went in to making something that could've just turned into another pissy breakup ballad (looking at you, Without Me and Someone You Loved), but instead decided more to aim for not only a tug on the heartstrings, but a complete and utter yanking of them. This is the type of song you go for when you know things will eventually look up, but for now, all you wanna do is turn all the lights off, curl up in bed, stare at your phone, and just let the waterworks flow. And with all that, yeah, best hit song of 2019, one of the best hits of the entire decade, and I see nothing but great things but Billie Eilish in the future. Lord knows she deserves all of them. I wanna thank everyone for sticking with me through this journey. It's been long and arduous, but hey, we made it through, and that's all that matters, and with that, Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New-Year, Happy New-Decade, and take care.

Thursday, December 12, 2019

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs Of 2019

Well, friends, we're at the end of the decade. It's been long and arduous with a bunch of ups and downs, twists and turns, and a complete mixed bag over all. In the end, though, those of us that are still here made it through, and that's all that should matter. As for this year as a whole in terms of music, it was alright. The main problem this year faced was just how stagnant the charts were for most of the year. Don't get me wrong, quite a bit of the music was actually pretty good, but none of it really seemed to move all that much, save for the occasional album bomb that would shake things up one in a blue moon. Still, as a whole, while it wasn't the best year of the decade by any means, there are certainly worse ways you can close off a decade (remember 2009?), so let's send this decade off right starting by taking out this year's trash. You all know the rules, let's jump on in to it.


10
Hey, remember when this was a thing?......Me neither.

10) Song: Mo Bamba
      Artist: Sheck Wes
      Year-End Position: 49
    You know, there are some things I can at least pretend to get even if the final product just bugs the hell outta me. Harlem Shake? It has its audience. What Does The Fox Say? Annoying as hell, but you could do worse. Hell, even songs like Watch Me and Hit The Quan are nothing more than stupid dance songs that you can forget about as soon as they're over. But this? Why the hell was this a hit? Why did people actively choose to listen to it? Between the broken ice-cream truck melody smothered in overbearing amounts of bass and our emcee just shouting at the top of his lungs with no sense of control whatsoever, just...who was this even made for? Some might say that it was just a dumb novelty, but like...what's the joke? Where is the punchline? It's nothing but a sheer annoyance through and through. Frankly, the only reasons it's this low on the list are that this is a very "blink and it's over" kind of song as well as the fact that Sheck himself does pick up some energy in the bridge and is actually pretty hype to listen to, but by then, it's too little too late, and all we're left with are just the dregs of a pounding headache this song caused. Next.




9
......Wait, we made this her biggest hit? Seriously?

9) Song: Without Me
    Artist: Halsey
    Year-End Position: 3
    I'm......pretty indifferent on Halsey. She's a fine enough singer even if she doesn't have the best or most pleasant voice out there, but there's nothing that makes her really stand out amongst her contemporaries to make me willingly choose to listen to her often. In terms of what she's put out over the years, it's a pretty mixed bag. She has some songs I like such as Strangers, Alone and Now Or Never. On the other hand, she's also put out some garbage like New Americana, Sorry and this song. This is just a slog to get through. This production has absolutely no punch at all. The watery melody and dismal synths set against the stiff clunk of the beat just does not sound good. It all sounds so plastic and fake, and in the end, it just winds up kinda nausea inducing. That is, of course, if it doesn't put you to sleep first with how boring it is. Then there's the lyrics where Halsey is meant to sound heartbroken and distraught, but they're so generic and wishy-washy that any emotion that could be wrung out is completely nonexistent. There's no thought or care put into them. They're just "you broke my heart, and yeah, I'm the one who put you high on this pedestal, but no, it's still somehow all your fault for the relationship failing." Like, jesus, take some responsibility for the relationship. This just makes you sound like a whiny teenager whose mom won't let her go hang out with her friends late on a school night. Speaking of which, that's how she sings the entire song, and man, is it grating. She just wails and moans all throughout the entire song, and it just sounds bad. This isn't heartbreaking, it's irritating as hell. Seriously, we couldn't have made Alone her biggest hit? Or Strangers? Or Colors? Hell, I'd even take Nightmare, at least that song is interesting. Yeah, I went there. Moving right along.




8
Oh, Lil Baby. You just suck.

8) Song: Close Friends
    Artist: Lil Baby & Gunna
    Year-End Postion: 74
    Seriously, what is this guy's appeal? He is the squeakiest, least coherent, most generic of the vast swath of trap emcees to garner hits over the past few years, and yet he sticks around? Why? I'm really regretting not putting Yes Indeed on last years list, not only because of how unfinished it is, but just how completely embarrassing it is. And yeah, embarrassing is exactly how I would describe this song as well. Unenthusiastic performances from both Tiny Infant and whoever the fuck Gunna is (is he even a real person?), droning beat comprised of these barely there guitars and hazy, depressing synths, gee, that makes me really wanna listen to this song 😒. This could've worked if the song was going for something like, say, the dangers of drug dependence and addiction, but given who we're dealing with, of course we're not gonna get that. What do we get instead? Shitty, petty melodrama, of course. This is a song about how our narrator is lamenting how "oh, we used to be so close, but then you went and changed, and now I miss how things used to be between us." Great, another one of those songs. When is this mentality gonna die? People, just because one or both of you "change," that's not inherently a bad thing. You have to learn, you have to grow, not just as people but as a unit, otherwise what's the point of being in a relationship to begin with? And even worse is that Small Newborn and Firearm here are placing all the blame on their partners for the relationships failing yet give every single bit of evidence that they're the ones who cheated, fucked it all up, and then tried to save face by attempting to buy the relationship back and give half-formed apologies with delivery so lazy and slurred that it sounds like they downed half a gallon of lean before entering the studio. Actually, that sounds like the perfect explanation of how this song came to be. No further discussion needed.




7
Oh, hey, look what position this song is in. Haha, aren't I so clever and totally original?

7) Song: 7 Rings
    Artist: Ariana Grande
    Year-End Position: 7
    Oh hey, would you look at that, I just won the lottery. Alright, all jokes aside, let me make it clear that I'm a huge fan of Ariana Grande. Sweetener was a good album, and while thank u, next isn't quite as good, it still holds up pretty well for the most part. That said, it isn't like even Ari's best albums don't have their duds. There's Baby I from Yours Truly, Hands On Me from My Everything,  Everyday from Dangerous Woman, the title track of Sweetener, and now this song. But at least none of those other songs went very far on the charts. This, on the other hand, managed to get a number one debut on the Hot 100, and man, did it not deserve it. Let's talk about the elephant in the room first and foremost, no, I do not think this song is bad because of "cultural appropriation." I think this song is bad because it is a total trainwreck in terms of musicality. Stilted, awkward melody, glassy synths, percussion mixed way too loud and drills into your skull, I feel like I'm gonna throw up listening to this. And Ariana, what are you doing with your voice here? You are a powerhouse vocalist, so why are you reducing yourself to a damn whisper and a stilted rap verse? No, just...no. But then we get the lyrics, and look, I get that Ari has had an incredibly tough time, and yeah, she definitely deserves all the rest she can get, but for her to brag about her wealth in the most condescending, detached way that makes her sound like a spoiled teenager whose parents paid for anything and everything and continue to to this day is absolutely insufferable. Last thing I'll say here: there was a time I used to actually like this song (how, I have no idea) before it absolutely soured on me. During that time, a certain someone asked if people liked this song, and I replied as one of the people who did. Little did I know that some of those replies would wind up in his review of the song, much less that mine would be one of them. So the one time I appear in one of this particular famous reviewer's videos is when I said I liked this song......whoops.




6
Now for the hot take of this particular list.

6) Song: All To Myself
    Artist: Dan + Shay
    Year-End Position: 97
    As you may recall last year, I put Tequila as one of my favorite hit songs of 2018, and I stand by that. Since then, Dan + Shay have garnered quite a few more crossover hits and have shown that they do indeed have staying power, which I am all for since I do indeed like this duo. Nevertheless, not everything they've touched has turned to gold, and while songs like Speechless and 10,000 Hours may be considered sterile or safe, at least they're still decent songs in their own right. All To Myself, however, is easily my least favorite song I have heard from these guys thus far, and I kinda don't really know why. Is it the fact that Shay Mooney is just sorta going through the motions in terms of his performance and just not sounding like he's all the way awake yet? Is it the mess that is the instrumentation that consists of a near inaudible snap beat, weak guitar, innocuous piano line, and pounding snare drums that make the whole thing just fade into the background way too easily? Or is it the entire premise of the song? Look, I get that this guy saying he wants his girl all to himself is supposed to be all cutesy and whatnot, and that's how it's played off, but I'm sorry, it just doesn't sound right, and him saying that he's jealous of all these various things cuz all he wants is her is not only really dumb, but preceding every single line of the verses like that just makes for an incredibly monotonous and tedious listening experience. I dunno, maybe it's just not for me, but I felt really let down by this one. Guys, you're better than this.




5
Brendon Urie, what the actual fuck are you doing?

5) Song: Hey Look Ma, I Made It
    Artist: Panic! At The Disco
    Year-End Position: 61
     Panic! has always been one of those bands that you either really love or really hate. Personally, I've always fell more on the side of liking them. That is, of course, until their 2016 album Death Of A Bachelor happened, where Brendon Urie pretty much just took the band's name for himself and made it a solo project entirely of his own doing. It still gave us some straight up bangers such as Emperor's New Clothes, but it also gave us some straight up garbage. Guess which category this song falls into. Absolutely nothing about this song works. Urie's vocals here alternate between sounding like he just woke up and screeching at the top of his lungs, and neither sound good at all. I know the dude knows how to manage his range and dynamic, so why he's choosing not to here is completely beyond me. Then there's the lyrics. If you thought 7 Rings condescended to its audience, then this takes that and makes it a whole lot worse. Look, I get being happy that you were able to make it big as a musician, but rubbing it in absolutely everyone's face including those who are happy for you and supported you the whole way just makes you look like a complete tool. And the "if you lose, boohoo" line? Dude, fuck you. But I'll be honest, the only reason this song is up so high because it just flat out sounds abysmal. What is that static tunelessness on the verses? Why is there no build up? How come the horns sound like that? I've heard my fair share of fake horns in songs, but at least they try to sound like, y'know, horns, not some sort of synthetic, flailing mush. The whole thing just sounds broken and headache inducing. Do I like the previous two singles from Pray For The Wicked? Yes. Do I like this one? Well, it's this high up on this list, so there's your hint on that one. Is PFTW a good album? I don't know, but if the rest of it is anything like this, best guess is probably not.




4
You ever one of those songs that just makes you so unbearably uncomfortable that any time you hear it, you feel like you gotta wear a whistle around your neck and carry some pepper spray just in case? Yeeeaaah, this would be one of those songs for me.

4) Song: Swervin'
    Artist: A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie feat. 6ix9ine
    Year-End Position: 82
    A Boogie is one of those artists that I think I should like more than I actually do. His sing-songy flow is catchy and he's usually saddled with production that fits his voice well and is pretty fun to listen to. Yet his content is your typical flexing, money, cars, guns, drugs, hoes, etc. that you see from just about any other trap artist on the market today, and as such, it just goes in one ear and out the other. Every now and again, though, he manages to put out something that just absolutely makes me grind my teeth when listening to this, and unfortunately, that song happened to make this year's YE chart. For one thing, this beat is unfinished as hell.Two note, burbling bass and trap hi-hats. That's it. Where the hell is the rest of the song? Boogie tries to salvage that with his delivery, but it just isn't working. Between sounding all Xanax'd up and uncomfortably pushing his voice into his upper range, none of what he's doing on this song sounds impressive or anywhere near fun to listen to. Then there's the content. Picking up girls is one thing, dude, but please, don't give me the imagery of you breathing down a girl's neck and about to force her to do acts she clearly doesn't consent to, especially with lines like how you're gonna "make her nervous." This is supposed to sound slinky and smooth, not tense and horrifying. I know people have said those same things about A Boogie's other hit this year, Look Back At It, but at least in that song, he wasn't nearly as demanding as he is here, and the beat manages to balance its dark atmosphere with some more full and bouncy elements. This just makes me want to crawl into a corner and curl up into the fetal position. Speaking of doing things to women without their consent......goddammit, why is 6ix9ine here? His aggro-shouting thing does not fit in with the rest of the song at all, and of all the times to sound intimidating, neither the time or place, dude. Seriously, thank god this literal clown is rotting in prison as we speak. I dunno about you guys, but I'll definitely be Swervin' as to make sure I avoid this song at all costs.









3
Welp, you all saw this one coming.

3) Song: Someone You Loved
    Artist: Lewis Capaldi
    Year-End Position: 27
    Yeah, let's face it: this is so thoroughly a nothing of a song and a complete waste of space that we're just gonna run through the main reasons this song fails on so many levels and be done with it.
  • Basic four-chord piano melody that goes absolutely nowhere and has absolutely nothing to offer? Check
  • Lyrics that do absolutely nothing to stand out beyond your generic "I'm sad that you left me" platitudes that ultimately come off as completely selfish and assholish? Check 
 And the cherry on top of the big ol' shit sundae
  • A godawful vocalist who can't sing for his fucking life?
"and IIIIIIIIIIIIIII-"
Oh, BIG check
There. Now nobody ever has to even think about this song again at any point in time. Let's move on.




2
Remember what I said earlier about Dan + Shay?......Well, at least they were trying.
2) Song: Eyes On You
    Artist: Chase Rice
    Year-End Position: 96
    Oh god, this one. I was completely prepared for this song to miss the year-end and instead put something like, I dunno, Talk You Out Of It or Money in a far lower position on this list, thus leaving Someone You Loved as the clear-cut number 2 before rattling off the songs that just missed the cut and finally revealing what topped this entire thing. But no, this just barely gathered up enough points to scrape on to the bottom 20% of the YE, and for the love of god, seriously? Of all fucking people, Chase goddamn Rice? For those that have never heard of this guy, think Sam Hunt but with even less personality, somehow even more meatheaded and douchey, and with a way worse voice. Say what you will about Hunt, but at least he has a pleasant voice to listen to, even if literally every other element surrounding him is as pleasant as having your leg amputated without any anesthesia. Rice, meanwhile, does nothing but fill out every bro-country cliché in the book with zero personality whatsoever, singing in this constantly raspy tone that never compliments any of the production he's saddled with, though it's not like that'd ever be possible given that most of the time he's stuck with instrumentation that is often times clunky and way-overproduced. This song right here is the very hallmark of Chase's laziness boiled right down to its very essence. Sterile production with plodding drum machines, filmy guitars, and a limp piano all trudging along at a snail's pace and just feeling gross to listen to, Rice giving his usual phoned-in performance and even jacking Sam Hunt's awful speak-sing thing, and lyrics that just make me wretch. The entire premise of this song is that no matter where he and his girl go or what they do, he just can't help but take his eyes off her. Not entirely bad in and of itself, but the problems seep in with a few things. For one, I don't care how romantic you try and phrase it, saying that you always enjoy having your eyes on someone is massively creepy and kills any sense of romance you may have been going for. Second, Rice clearly does not care about her as a person and is only in the relationship to ogle at her body. He's even flat out stupid enough to outright say it talking about how he doesn't care about things like being in Times Square on New Year's Eve or talking about how whenever they go on vacation, they may as well just stay in the room the entire time because he can never remember anything they do together, only the times where he's looking at her. This is vile, and the fact that it's framed as being romantic just plain makes my stomach churn. And the sad part is this isn't even the worst Chase Rice has to offer. There's songs like Ready, Set, Roll, Gonna Wanna Tonight, Whisper, seriously, this guy is just among the worst the genre has to offer. Hell, he even has a more punchable face than Sam Hunt.
How the hell do you even manage that?


Alright, home stretch. Dishonorable mention time.


Song: MIA
Artist: Bad Bunny feat. Drake
Year-End Position: 44
Well, this one got annoying super fast. Flat, monotonous reggaeton beat, Bad Bunny still not sounding very good, Drake adding nothing (in other words, being his usual self); it had potential, but man, what a waste.



Song: The London
Artist: Young Thug feat. J. Cole & Travis Scott
Year-End Position: 64
Annoying 



 



Song: Taki Taki
Artist: DJ Snake feat. Ozuna, Selena Gomez & Cardi B
Year-End Position: 57
Grating



Song: Thotiana
Artist: Blueface
Year-End Position: 47
Oh my god, shut the fuck up.






Song: Be Alright
Artist: Dean Lewis
Year-End Position: 54
Its heart is in the right place, but the depressing music and Dean Lewis's vocals completely drag it down.







Song: You Need To Calm Down
Artist: Taylor Swift
Year-End Position: 39
Its heart is in the right place, but the limp beat and Taylor misguidedly comparing people writing negative stuff about her to those who have bigoted views against the LGBTQ+ community completely drag it down. Definitely check out the rest of Lover, though. It's a pretty good album.








Song: Look What God Gave Her
Artist: Thomas Rhett
Year-End Position: 85
Thomas Rhett......why? Why would you regress from making Marry Me, not only the best hit of last year, but the best song of your entire career, to this overproduced, meatheaded bro country shlock where you're oggling at a girl's ass? What a disappointment.








Song: Baby
Artist: Lil Baby & DaBaby
Year-End Position: 84
You get it? It's called Baby, and it's by Lil Baby and DaBaby. That totally makes up for this being mumbly, generic mush with a seasick beat. Ugh.

Alright, time for num-It's Chris Brown.
 

1) Song: No Guidance
    Artist: Chris Brown feat. Drake
    Year-End Position: 21
    Yeah, sorry for the premature reveal, but just.........uuuuuuuuuggggghhhhhhhh. Of all the songs that have come and gone throughout this decade, for the life of me, nothing has boggled my mind more than the fact that not only has domestic abuser Chris Brown has continued to have chart success, but that he keeps landing songs on year-end lists despite the fact that, even going beyond...that incident, his music just keeps going down in terms of quality. Seriously, what is it that keeps people coming back to these stale, generic, overproduced beats that have no sense of texture, rhythm or melody to them, vocals completely slathered in autotune to the point that even hearing them a little bit can make you go deaf, and lyrics that is generic flexing and rampant, unchecked misogyny and completely down-talking its audience? Even worse is what a shitstain Brown is to humanity, and no, I can't "separate the art from the artist" because he consistently brings his baggage into the content of damn near everything he puts out, this song being no exception, so you can't discuss the lyrics without talking about all the shitty things he's done. And no, it's not just the fact that he battered Rihanna, it's also all of his drunken, violent outbursts, incredibly homophobic, racist, and bigoted remarks he's made on social media and in person, the half-formed, mealy-mouthed "apologies" he keeps giving that, let's face it, if you think he's serious in any of them, I have a bridge to sell you, and even goddamn accusations of rape, all of which he keeps getting away with and excused, and if ever there was a prime example of how cancel culture doesn't fucking work, we have exhibit A right the fuck here, everybody. In this song, Brown is being the controlling dick that he usually is, demanding that this girl not play any games and just fuck him already, insists that he is the only man she needs in her life, he's all she needs on her playlist, and I'm sorry, if I didn't know just how much of an abuser this human waste of space was, there would be about a million red flags raising just from these lyrics alone. Ladies, do any of you actually find this kind of shit attractive? Constantly being gaslit, devalued, and pushed around by one guy who only looks out for his own needs and no one else's all the while completely dragging anyone who crosses his path down with him? Cuz I wouldn't. At all. All of this because, according to Drake, she decided to go her own way at 17 and didn't have anyone else to guide her through her life, thus giving these dickbags free reign to do whatever they want with her. Uh, NO! That is not how any of this works. Also, Drake, you're the last person who should be singing about 17-year-olds considering the stuff that's come out about what you do to some of your underage fans as well as trying to date people like Millie Bobbie Brown and Billie Eilish. Sidenote:go spend time with your fucking kid, you asshole. Yeah, don't think I forgot about that. Anyway, pair all this with a drowsy performance from Drake, CB's caterwauling at its absolute worst, and a beat so boring and sparse in terms of melody that it's barely a step up from Back To Sleep, and you have the song from this year that had the absolute least to offer. Some may say that's Someone You Loved, but at least that one gave off a faux-attempt to look like it was trying. This song doesn't even do that. It's reprehensible on every conceivable level, and for that, it is the absolute worst hit song of 2019. I swear to god, if I have to continue hearing this and several other Chris Brown songs at the bar I work at, I will eventually blow my freakin' brains out. Seriously, can there please come a time where we leave this overgrown shitstain behind the rest of civilized society? PLEASE?????? Best list coming soon, but until then, take care.