Top 10 Worst Hit Songs Of 2018

2018 as a year in music: it sucked. I could go more in depth, but I know that's not what you're here for, and besides, there are many people who can explain both in the lists that have already been released and the many that we are to see in the coming weeks what made this year so bad way better than I ever could. Enough stalling, let's begin.

10

Goddammit, Adam Levine. Why won't you just leave already?

10) Song: Wait

      Artist: Maroon 5

      Year-End Position: 58

    Seriously, why do we keep giving this "band" at least one hit year after year? It's been known since at least 2012 that it's pretty much been turned into an Adam Levine solo project with the quality of each song getting worse and worse save for a few exceptions here and there. Wait is not one of those exceptions. Levine sounds bored as usual as he absolutely phones in his performance for the hundred and eightieth time, the song meanders and never gains any of the momentum it should, and what makes this particular Adam Levine snoozer in particular awful is that it's a Maroon 5 trap song. You heard that right, Levine tried his hand at trap, and yeah, it went about as well as you'd expect. Adam bored performance does not mesh well with the production at all, and his falsetto as well as the whirring upward progression of the melody on the final line of the chorus is grating as hell, the hi hats are cheap, overproduced, and shoved way too front of the mix, and it's not like they're masking much between the thin guitar line, weedy synths and barely noticeable strips of bad autotune. The lyrics basically show Adam Levine drunkenly crashing his ex's wedding, which could have been utilized had more thought been put into the writing, but given that this is a modern day Maroon 5 song, of course that wasn't going to happen, and instead we have Levine just plain acting like a jackass. What else is new? Garbage song from a "band" that just needs to go away already, let's just move on.

9

But on the complete opposite end of the spectrum of awful......

9) Song: FRIENDS

    Artist: Marshmello & Anne-Marie

    Year-End Position: 26

     Oh dear god, this mess. I'll admit I don't mind Marshmello as much as my peers, but holy fuck, did he shit the bed on this one. This beat is absolutely atrocious. Weak acoustic guitar, stiff percussion, ugly bass, and that drop, oh my god that drop. It's this clusterfuck of synths that all clash severely with one another. There's no coherent melody or groove to get behind, and the whole thing is just plain unlistenable. There's also that g-funk-esque synth-bass combo tagged on to the last minute of the song that's just, like, the worst. Then we come to Anne-Marie, and Christ this woman just cannot sing. With the exception of Rockabye from last year, her nasal tone has never sounded good, and the fact that she cannot stay on key to save her life is just a nuisance through and through. But then we get to the lyrics, and there is a lot to unpack about this song's writing. Basically, it's the OFFICIAL FRIEND ZONE ANTHEM......I'm not kidding, that's literally the official moniker that was given to it. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to have a romantic relationship with someone and rather remain as only acquaintances. That said, the problems with this song are two fold. One is the fact that the way it's sung is with this veneer of sheer unearned arrogance as if it's some grand accomplishment that Anne-Marie is merely relegating this guy to being friends with her rather than being in a relationship with him, and I'm sorry, but that just makes her sound like a complete bitch. The other thing, however, is that the dude she's talking about in this scenario is someone who she shouldn't be remaining friends with, but rather someone who she should file a fucking restraining order against. Seriously, the dude shows up at her house at two in the morning, which he's apparently done multiple times, and she never once thought to cut him the fuck out of her life? Seriously, she says she's had this conversation with him "one two three four five six thousand times," and by her own admission, the dude can't be reasoned with. Lady, at this point, if you haven't figured it out yet, maybe you're part of the problem. And this was Marshmello's biggest hit this year, just friggin' lovely. NEXT!

 8

Just when you think this guy can't get more ubiquitous. Or worse.

8) Song: I'm Upset

    Artist: Drake

    Year-End Position: 86

      Okay, so, unlike Maroon 5, I can at least somewhat understand why Drake is being kept around seeing as he can occasionally string together some clever punchlines, be pretty melodic, and be backed up by some nice production every now and again. That said, that makes his gradual decline in quality all the more disappointing because it shows that he does have potential, and yet he continuously chooses to waste it. Take the singles from his most recent album, Scorpion, for example. The rest of them were pretty good, and then in the middle of the cake, he decides to take a big ol' shit on it with this song. For real, what is this beat? Rinky dink synths that jack the melody from Bank Account by 21 Savage (a much better song, might I add), the cheap knock of the trap drums, and what sounds like dolphin noises barging in at random intervals, it's just a mess. A boring, uninspired mess. Drake sounds unenthused as usual, and any damn near nonexistent attempt to add any sort of bombast to his delivery does not show through at all. But let's be real, the actual reason this is here is because of the writing. This shows Drake at one of his most punchable as the whole song is him being misogynistic towards women describing how it's only women he shoots below the neck, bitching about how he "can't go fifty-fifty with no ho" (real classy, asshole), and constantly bitching and whining that he's supposed to pay her bills every month. You poor fucking soul. Oh, and given how much of a deadbeat Drake is, I'm only left to assume the bills he's talking about are child support. Ugh, the less I have to think about this dickbag's awful songs, the better.

7

And speaking of misogynistic dickbags......

7) Song: Lucid Dreams

    Artist: Juice WRLD (yes, that really is his name)

    Year-End Position: 12

     I didn't wanna have to talk about this song. Seriously, I was content just leaving this as a dishonorable mention where I wouldn't have to give it any more attention than it deserves. But the much worse All Girls Are The Same missed the year-end list, so here we are. First of all, while the Sting sample in the beat does sound pretty nice, it's unfortunately drowned out in this overpowering, gummy bass that just hurts to listen to. As a frontman, Juice WRLD just cannot sing. His raspy tones absolutely grate on my ears, and my god, his moody delivery is just plain sour and irritating to listen to. But then we get to the writing, and just fucking hell. This is nothing but the meanderings of a kid who has never had his heart broken before, has the emotional maturity of a potato chip, and just decided to bitch whatever came into his head into the studio's mic. He says she's "made out of plastic, FAKE!" and how he misses her and "who knew evil girls had the prettiest face" and fuck you, asshole. Heartbreak being a painful experience is understandable, but you seriously need to calm your shit. Yes, you thought she was the one for you and she wasn't. Whoopty shit. From the way you're presenting yourself on this song, if this is anywhere close to how you acted while she was with you, then you obviously have some growing up to do because if you don't, then the only girls who will find you attractive in terms of personality are the ones you want to stay the fuck away from at all costs. Oh, and then he leans into straight up stalker territory with telling her "I won't let you forget me" after she finds another dude who she's happy with, and yeah, no, we're done here. Fuck this song.

6

We keep giving this abuser hits despite the fact that he never gives genuine apologies and only reveals himself to be more and more disgusting. And this time it was with an unfunny "comedy" rapper. We live in a society.

6) Song: Freaky Friday

    Artist: Lil Dicky feat. Chris Brown

    Year-End Position: 55

     This goes in and out of my brain, and I hate every single time it comes back in. For the love of all that is holy, can we please stop giving Chris Brown any more chart success? He only pulls the curtain back further and further to show how much of a blight on society he is, but even beyond that, the songs he has chart keep getting worse and worse. But even with that, I still wasn't expecting this. A song with unfunny sleazeball Lil Dicky for a song about body swapping. Alright, not exactly original as a general topic in media, but for hit songs, it's not something we've seen before I don't think. Shame the final product is this insulting. To get the aesthetic qualities out of the way, DJ Mustard's beat is the dated,bland, and generic sound he should've left in 2014, Chris Brown's singing is mediocre and slathered in gratuitous amounts of ear piercing autotune, and Lil Dicky has some of the most clumsy and unfocused flows I've ever heard. But all of that wouldn't be enough to qualify it for the list alone, no no no, because then we get to the content. Basically, since it's a body swapping song, everytime Chris Brown sings, it's Dicky singing from Chris's perspective and vice versa when Lil Dicky's rapping. Basically, while Dicky is in Chris Brown's body, he admires how big his dick is (gross), muses about how great it is that he can say the n-word (not touching that one), and discovers how awesome it is to be famous. Meanwhile, while Brown is in Dicky's body, he gets to delight in the fact that

"Ain't nobody judgin' cuz I'm black, or my controversial past"

Fffffuuuuuuuccccckkkkk yyyyyoooooouuuuuu.

You are Chris fucking Brown. You have abused multiple women in your lifetime, have had several violent outbursts and temper tantrums, have never given a sincere apology for it, and constantly try to make yourself look like the victim when it's very clearly the opposite. Go to hell, you sick bastard. There isn't anything "controversial" about your past (or your present, for that matter), it's just plain despicable. Oh, and apparently the key to Dicky and Brown going back to their original bodies was just that Chris needed to "love himself." Yes, because one of the most egomaniacal singers currently working today clearly needs to just have even more self-confidence. Bite me. The song ends with Dicky hopping in Ed Sheeran's, DJ Khaled's, and Kendal Jenner's bodies, the last of whom's nether regions he explores without consent, and yeah, no, let's just move on before I vomit.

5

Apparently, misogyny was so prevalent in the worst hits of this year that even our non-English hits have it in them. Just fucking lovely.

5) Song: Te Boté

    Artist: Nio García, Darell & Casper Mágico feat. Bad Bunny, Nicky Jam & Ozuna)

    Year-End Position: 81

     Seven minutes. This song is seven. fucking. minutes. long. Why is this song seven minutes long? It's so goddamn uninteresting. The synths are dreary, the stale piano chords are way too low in the mix, and lack any interesting melodies, the trap percussion is stuttered and sounds awful, and none of our performers can sing at all. Seriously, this mix sounds so empty and lacking, and it is nowhere near enough to support any of these singers' voices, who all suck in varying ways. Whether it be the vibrantly grating tones of Ozuna and Casper Mágico, the low, mumbled delivery and Darell or Bad Bunny, or the just plain blandness of Nio García and Nicky Jam, none of these guys sound good at all. But then we get to the lyrics, and holy fucking shit. Basically, it's a pissy breakup anthem, but the overabundance of flexing and toxic masculinity on display is so fucking gross. What these guys are saying is that they're all so rich and over their exes that they don't want them to come back and are so rich and can get any girl they want and jesus fuck, shut the fuck up already. You overcompensating for your inability to be at least a little respectful of the women you're dating or to keep your damn ego in check doesn't make anyone wanna sympathize with you. In fact, all it does is make us wanna punch each and every one of you square in the nuts. The thing that really tips this in to true awfulness, though, is that the English translation of the title literally means these fellows are gonna dump their girls, but not just in the typical breaking up sort of meaning, no no no, they're gonna throw them out like one would their trash. You heard right, these men really view their exes as literal garbage. Bad Bunny even says that she's so broken she can't be recycled. Just......why? Fuck this song and fuck these assholes for thinking this was ever a good idea.

4

4) Song: Taste

    Artist: Tyga feat. Offset

    Year-End Position: 28

     Oh great, we're letting the guy who was creeping on Kylie Jenner when she was still in her teens have another hit. Any other pedophiles you wanna make famous, America?

3) Song: FEFE

    Artist: 6ix9ine feat. Nicki Minaj & Murda Beatz

    Year-End Position: 31

     I WASN'T BEING FUCKING SERIOUS!!!!!!

Uuuuuuugh, these songs. Where do I even start?
 For starters, who wanted Tyga back? He's a charisma free artist who actively sucks the soul out of anything he's on, and the amount of just sliminess he exudes on his songs is just plain intolerable. But, much to the chagrin of any decent human being, he came back and had a hit this year with Taste, and I am not exaggerating when I say that this is easily his worst hit. Of course Tyga absolutely phones in his performance about all the girls he can get to fuck him with some unimpressive wordplay and a humorously bad line about girls sucking him like a Hi-C, and Offset trying his best to save this song and failing. But honestly, none of that would be bad enough for this song to make this list. No, that would be the beat. Seriously, this tense bass coupled with that cooing sample genuinely makes this uncomfortable to listen to. That wouldn't be a problem if it fit what the song was going for, but this is supposed to be a turn-up song. One that's supposed to get crowds of people hyped. The last thing I wanna feel is my skin crawl.
     Pretty much everything I said about Taste can be copied and pasted when discussing FEFE, only what places this one higher is the fact that at least Taste has somewhat of a melody. FEFE, meanwhile, just uses this washed out, muffled drone that makes the song feel like a damn eternity, 6ix9ine singing in the same exact note throughout the entire song, and basically talking about sexing a girl and then kicking her to the curb like the disposable piece of meat he sees her as. And Nicki, dear lord, Nicki, what the hell are you doing here? 2018 may not have been a good year for you, but even you should know better than to lower yourself to working with someone who was convicted of using a 13-year-old as a sexual object in one of his music videos. Both of these are damn near equally shitty, and believe me, if it wasn't for the sparse hints of melody in Taste, these two spots would basically be interchangeable.

2

Ooooh boy, I might get in a bit of hot water for this one. I completely understand that it isn't exactly too tasteful to speak ill of someone mere months after they passed away, and for all intents and purposes, I do not wish what happened to this guy on anyone no matter who they are, and I hope he rests in peace. That said, I am a music critic, and if the song is ass, then I have no choice but to place it on here in the position I feel appropriate. Got that? Good. Now with all that out of the way, let's talk about......him.

2) Song: SAD!

    Artist: XXXTentacion

    Year-End Position: 17

     So......XXXTentacion. For those not in the know, Mr. Jahseh Wayne Ricardo Onfroy was shot and killed in a drive by shooting earlier this year on June 18th. While I may not have liked the dude, I wouldn't wish anything anywhere close to what happened to him on anyone, and my heart does sincerely go out to his friends and family. That being said, that doesn't excuse him beating his then pregnant girlfriend, nearly beating a gay man to death merely for looking at him (yes, X may have been naked, but it more than likely was nothing more than a quick unintentional glance that he way overreacted to), his consistent obfuscation, victim blaming, gaslighting, severe need to always paint himself as the victim, and just overall the fact that he was a completely garbage human being whilst he was alive. And yes, I know I'm supposed to "separate the art from the artist," but as I said about Kodak Black last year, when he's constantly incorporating his real life events and awfulness into his music, doing so is damn near impossible and thus becomes just as judgable as the music itself. And if you want a prime example of that, it's SAD! This song was falling off the charts before X got murdered, but after he died, the streaming numbers for this song went through the roof, making Onfroy the first person to posthumously reach #1 as a main artist since The Notorious B.I.G. with Hypnotize in 1997. You have no idea how much that infuriates me because this song is absolutely rancid. Ignoring the beat that's undercooked with nothing but some blocky percussion and a mix of hollow, barely audible and smeared over, reverb soaked synths that have no texture to them whatsoever as well as X's whiny as hell delivery, just the lyrics of this song are enough to make me want to set things on fire. In this song, X is bitching about a girl who's planning on leaving him, saying how she's making his life hard and how he gave her everything and how he's just too afraid to let go. All of that would be enough to show that this guy is a clingy, manipulative piece of shit, but then he says one line (that repeats six times throughout the song, mind you) that everyone has pointed out the problems with but bares no less reiterating why it's infuriating each and every time:

"suicide if you every try to let go"

You are reading that correctly. X is threatening to kill himself if this girl ever attempts to leave his sorry ass. Dude, FUCK YOU!!!!!! There are plenty of people in this world with mental health issues who aren't taken seriously and thus don't get the help they need because globs of fucking human snot 

 like you pull shit like this, thus unfairly placing innocent people between a rock and a hard place they shouldn't have to be in as well as leaving those unbelieved to actually go through with their suicidal thoughts and actually take their own life. Fuck all the way off you pathetic excuse of a human being. This song makes me sick to my stomach, and the fact that so many people are willing to excuse this type of shit is infuriating. So, what could be worse?

Well, before we find out, the dishonorable mentions.

DHM1) Song: Outside Today

              Artist: YoungBoy Never Broke Again

              Year-End Position: 91

 You know, it was between this and No Brainer for this spot, but at least No Brainer has some semblance of energy to it and isn't just a pissy whinefest.

DHM2) Song: I Fall Apart

              Artist: Post Malone

              Year-End Position: 39

"Devil in the form of a whore." Do I even need to say anything else?

DHM3) Song: X

              Artist: Nicky Jam & J. Balvin

              Year-End Position: 90

That fake hornline sets my teeth on edge. Everything else is just boring.

DHM4) Song: Lights Down Low

              Artist: MAX feat. gnash

              Year-End Position: 66

This would've escaped my ire if MAX's voice wasn't just, like, the worst.

DHM5) Song: GUMMO

              Artist: 6ix9ine

              Year-End Position: 56

It's 6ix9ine being his usual, obnoxious 6ix9ine self. Pass.

DHM6) Song: Girls Like You

              Artist: Maroon 5 feat. Cardi B

              Year-End Position: 10

This was a number one hit for 7 weeks. If that doesn't tell you how incredibly boring a lot of this year was, I don't know what will.

DHM7) Song: Meant To Be

              Artist: Bebe Rexha feat. Florida Georgia Line

              Year-End Position: 3

Sucks.

DHM8) Song: Moonlight

              Artist: XXXTentacion

              Year-End Position: 88

  

Can we just let X rest already?

And now......

1

......no seriously, can we just let this kid rest already?

1) Song: changes

    Artist: XXXTentacion

    Year-End Position: 94

     Okay, this is just flat out ridiculous. So, apparently, when X died, not only did SAD! get massive streaming numbers, but so did some of his other songs off of ? as well as the ones off his previous album, 17, and gave them way more chart longevity than they deserved. As such, not only did SAD! reach the top of the charts, but two of his other songs from that same album became top 20 hits and managed to gather enough points to just scrape their way on to the year-end chart. And really, that makes me fucking furious. Look, X may not have deserved to be murdered, but he sure as hell didn't deserve to be martyred either. He was a completely garbage human being who committed some of the worst possible crimes, deflected blame, placed everything he did on his mental health, played victim every chance he got, and overall was damn near completely irredeemable. And don't give me the bullshit of "oh, it looked like he was trying to change for the better towards the end of his life." FUCK THAT! Did he ever acknowledge the error of his ways? Give a sincere public apology for what he did to those he abused? Become a spokesperson against this type of domestic violence? Nope. He did a little bit of "charity" work where even that served no other purpose than to further his own self-aggrandizement and distract from any and all issues he has. And of course, that was enough for people to liken this monster to the likes of 2Pac and other greats. Just lovely. That's all before we get to this song in particular, and really, what is there to say about this? Of all the X songs to gravitate towards, why the fuck did this have to be one of them? At least with Look At Me! last year, it has the factor of being weird and unconventional even if in the worst possible way, and SAD!, for as reprehensible and stiff as it is, it at least sounds like an actual song. This, on the other hand? It's literally nothing. One singular piano chord being tapped throughout the entirety of the runtime with some cloying strings added in later on, X's whiniest and most pathetic vocal performance with backing vocals by PnB Rock that come in later that add nothing at all, and a total of five lines being repeated ad nauseam throughout the whole song until you feel like putting a power drill laced with barbed wire through your eardrums? What is there to latch on to with this? What is there to this that made people actively choose to listen to the musical equivalent of a plastic bag full of air? And you heard me right, this song only has five lines, and if previous songs on this list had no effort put into their lyrics, then this song had negative amounts of effort put in to its writing. Here's everything that's said in this song: X doesn't understand that his girl is changing, he thinks she's "making it hard for him," and he can't stand the changes she's going through nor the way it makes him feel. Oh, boo fucking hoo, she's not the same person she used to be. Get the fuck over it. If there was any indication that any of these changes were doing any serious damage to either X, the girl herself, or anyone else involved, then maybe I'd be on his side, but as is, I have no other choice than to just tell this dude to grow the fuck up. Seriously, is it that fucking hard to add at least a few damn details? And no, XXXTentacion, she isn't making it hard for you, you're making it hard for yourself. Just further evidence of his obfuscation. I despise this song for what it  represents. It makes clear that you can be as terrible of a human being as possible, but as long as you have a cult-like following and plenty of people who will twist themselves into a pretzel to defend your actions, you can have hits with no effort at all and even have your unreleased and unfinished material released to the public without your consent after you die, and people will still fucking eat it up. Fuck this song, fuck XXXTentacion, fuck the corporate dickpistons who keep graverobbing him and selling his leftovers for the sole purpose of getting more money into their dirty mits, and if you are someone who will excuse everything he's done because you "relate to his music" or are willing to victim-blame and make excuses like he did, honestly, fuck you especially with searing hot metal rod up your sorry ass. I'm done. 2019 can't come fast enough. Best list coming soon. Until then, take care.