Top 10 Worst Hit Songs Of 2016

     Hey guys. I know you're probably wondering where I've been and where that best #1's of the 2000s list is. Well, I've been really busy between work and school as well as having total writer's block when it comes to what a lot of my picks are, time has not been kind to me, and I do apologize for that. I can reassure you, however, that they will be out soon. How soon? Well, I'm not sure. My aim is within the next few months, but we'll have to see where that goes. Either way, they are coming, and again, I do apologize for prolonging them for so long. For now, though, it's the end of the year, and that means it's year-end list making time.

    For anyone new here wondering what makes a song eligible for this list, I'll keep it simple: song had to make the year-end hot 100 for this year and this year alone, meaning if it didn't make the YE or it's a leftover from last year's YE, it's not making the cut.


     Now, this year. How did 2016 stack up in terms of mus-FUCK 2016! FUCK 2016! FUCK 2016!
Dear lord, this year was garbage. You may not know that from looking at the year-end chart, which gained a personal score from me of a 267/500 (which, for the record, after I put my best list up, I will share in a Cicabe style post. Btw, check that guy out, he's a pretty cool dude), but in terms of songs that charted during the year in general, most of it was just plain garbage. There were so many songs that debuted where I found myself either going "please become a hit" or "I hope to god this doesn't gain any traction at all," and either way, the opposite would happen, and it was rare when something I actually wanted to become a hit was huge and something I wanted to flop actually flopped. Plus, even with the YE getting a seemingly decent score from me, I still wound up with more 0's than 5's (going by the scale penned by TheDoubleAgent, of course). Sweet fuck, let's just get this over with.

10 

      And we start the list off with a pick where it would be predictable that the artist would wind up on the list, but the song itself? Mmmmm, maybe not so much. But make no mistake, it definitely deserves to be here.

10) Song: Back To Sleep

      Artist: Chris Brown

      Year-End Position: 89

     I've already said my piece on Chris Brown multiple times already. He is a horrible human being whose music making skills are just as bad if not worse, give or take a few rare exceptions.  This is admittedly on the upper end of the bad songs, but that's not exactly saying much considering that it's still terrible. The instrumentation is actually pretty alright with some 90's inspired percussion and a pretty slick synth line. Granted, the robotic vocal snippets could've been cut from the song as they don't fit in at all and are pretty annoying, but I digress. On top of that, Chris's crooning isn't that bad either, honestly. It's loaded to the brim with gratuitous autotune as per usual, admittedly, but it sounds alright, and it fits the mood of the song. So with all that, why is this song on the list? Well, it all comes back to the content of the song. Basically, this is a song where Chris Brown, after a long flight, comes home in the middle of the night and accidentally wakes her up in the middle of the night. His solution? To "fuck her back to sleep." A bit of an......odd method, but it'd be something I could get behind. Or at least I would if he didn't say this:

"Don't say a word, no girl, don't you talk"

       ......I'm sorry, what the hell? He is seriously saying that the sex he intends to have with his gf is sex that she did not consent to. I mean, I could be wrong, that might not be the intent, but I'm sorry, how the hell else am I supposed to interpret that? I would ask if Chris knew the implications of what that line entails, knowing him and his songwriting efforts (and how little effort he puts in most of the time), it wouldn't surprise me if he did not give one scintilla of a shit, and that's all the more infuriating. Screw you, Breezy. I'm glad your career is almost dead. After the admittedly pretty great Do You Mind's chart run is finished, you're most likely pretty much gonna be through having hits, and I pray that those days come sooner rather than later.

9 

     I think music that's typically deemed as "immature" normally gets a bad rep, and honestly, I think that's kind of unfair. At least sometimes. In fact, if you ask me, age shouldn't really matter when it comes to determining a song's quality. Hell, Carly Rae Jepsen was 26 when she sang Call Me Maybe and JoJo 13 with Leave (Get Out), and those songs still turned out to be great. However, whenever sheer incompetence is added into the mix, it's bound to be nothing but a recipe for disaster.

9) Song: Hide Away

    Artist: Daya

    Year-End Position: 84

      I'm just gonna be up front with you guys: I don't like Daya. You know the phrase "two out of three ain't bad"? Well, in Daya's case, it's the exact opposite as I have heard exactly 3 songs from her, all of which made the year-end list. She's the main artist on two of them and a featured artist on the third one, and the one where she's the featured artist is the only one I actively enjoy. I won't say she's outright awful (although I'm sure I'd say differently if I heard her debut album in full), but yeah, she's definitely not good, and her debut single just leaves a sour taste in my mouth. For one thing, the production is sloppy as hell. The muted melody does not match at all with the stiff, staticky drum machine, and the synths during the chorus sound jagged, awkward, and just all around irksome. Daya herself is just an incredibly weak vocalist. She doesn't have anywhere near the charisma, energy, or pipes to really drive this song home, and the vocal chanting on the bridge is just repulsive. It is quite literally a taunt to the listener, which can also describe the lyrical content pretty well. It's a song where Daya sings about how guys only go after girls who aren't prudes yet not total whores at the same time and how they don't appreciate all the time and money girls put in to making them happy and oh dear Odin, this is painfully childish and high school. I know she was 16 at the time of recording this, so I am willing to give her slightly more leeway when it comes to making this type of song, but it still doesn't make the song any less lyrically abysmal. There's no nuance or self-awareness to make any of this work, and it just comes off as petty and vindictive in one of the most immature and irredeemable types of ways. And, wait, she also, says she'd rather have a boy "who's down for the chase." Wait, so which is it, Daya, do you want a guy to recognize how much time and effort you put in to being good looking and all that, or do you want to be coy and play hard to get? You can't have it both ways. Oh, and for the record, Sit Still, Look Pretty was almost a DHM for being very much in the same mold as Hide Away, only with slightly more competent production, but was just muscled off due to how bad this year was. I see potential in Daya, but as it stands, she has a long way to go if she wants to impress this guy as an artist.

8

     Whoa, Kevin Gates, what the hell happened to you, man?

8) Song: Really Really
    Artist: Kevin Gates
    Year-End Position: 92

 

 

     Look, I don't hate Kevin Gates. I remember back when I Don't Get Tired first hit the Billboard Hot 100 in 2015, and I still maintain that song is genuinely great, but he hasn't exactly been able to recreate the magic of that song since. I mean, there was 2 Phones, which despite being asinine as hell, still coasted off of some silly punchlines, a goofy, offbeat flow that actually sounds pretty nice, and a burbling bassline that actually kinda lowkey bangs, if I'm being honest. Still, it's only merely passable rather than outright fantastic like I Don't Get Tired was, and if Really Really is any indication on how the rest of Islah sounds, then that seems like something I would want to avoid like the goddamn plague because ugh, this song is just atrocious. I'll give Gates some credit for actually having some energy and charisma, which is what saves this from being any higher, but it's not enough to distract from how stilted and awkward his flow is. It's not the worst flow I've heard, but it is the definition of subpar. In terms of content, it's your basic, empty luxury rap that we've heard dozens of times before, which I would be willing to forgive if a bunch of the lines weren't so embarrassing and just cringeworthy, from talking about eating out Jhene Aiko's ass, an out of place sneezing reference, saying his diamonds shine because they're real diamonds (uh, I'm pretty sure they could still shine even they weren't real), lines like "relationship flaking, no eczema," and the basic premise of how his response to anyone who asks him if he's really as awesome as he says he is will be "really really," which is nowhere even close as convincing as he thinks it is, it's all enough to have me going "oh god, c'mon dude, just stop before everyone starts laughing at you," which, make no mistake, there will be people laughing at him, and for good reason. But even putting all of that aside, it's the godawful production that really sinks this song. The smeared over, lifeless organ line, grating as hell chorus (seriously, Kevin Gates says he can sing, but this song definitely proves otherwise), bells that just sound out of place and are drowned out by the rest of the mix, generic trap percussion, and bass that's thudding and overbearing, it's just a gigantic, headache-inducing monstrosity of a song that I'd like to forget even exists sooner rather than later.

7

     Oh, Charlie Puth. To think I used to like you at one point. Ahaha, ahaha, what the fuck was wrong with me?

7) Song: One Call Away

    Artist: Charlie Puth

    Year-End Position: 43

     Hey, remember when See You Again happened and we all thought Charlie Puth was decent? And then how all that went down the tubes once Marvin Gaye came into existence? I do. How I long to have those days of blissful ignorance back because dreck like this is just plain disgraceful. This song is pretty much the drum machine of See You Again with the piano chords of Locked Away with all of the blandness of the latter but none of the rich texture of the former. It's incredibly limp with the predictable piano chords, dismal synth choices, stale drum loop, and overall just being boring as tar. This is the type of schlock that gets played on that one adult contemporary station that not even your mom listens to when she's in the car by herself.  On top of that, Puth just flat out sucks as a vocalist. He's way too willowy, he can't hold a note, and him hitting high notes? Pfft. Forget it. His dog whistle of a voice alone would be enough to put this on the list. But then we get to content, and oh boy, what a shitfest. A lot of the lines are done to death platitudes that hold no weight or any sense of emotion behind them, you have Puth saying Superman "got nothing on him," which just...no, and what's supposed to be an anthem about supporting a girl in her time of distress comes off more as Puth just simpering along and trying to get in her pants. Also, "when you're weak, I'll be strong, I'm gonna keep holding on"? Reeeeeaaaaally supportive there, Puth. -_-
This song is just worthless, and I would rather not spend anymore time on it than I already have. NEXT!

6

     And speaking of acts I question why the hell I used to like......

6) Song: Unsteady

    Artist: X Ambassadors

    Year-End Position: 67

          I remember kinda liking Renegades, but it was a song that I found myself coming back to less and less, and eventually I had to come to terms with the fact that it's nothing more than a generic, sludgy. stiff as hell cash grab that gained fame off of a car commercial. The same thing sort of happened with this song as I kinda liked this one at first as well, but it wore off on me way quicker, and whereas I only think Renegades to be pretty bad, I absolutely despise Unsteady. For one thing, Sam Harris is a terrible vocalist. His voice is grating, his falsetto is painful, even moreso than Charlie Puth's, and he's way too loud and aggressive to capture the emotional feel of what he's going for. He just whimpers his way through the song without any sense of control or direction in his voice. Not helping is the production, which yeah, this just flat out sucks. The plodding, skittering, borderline trap percussion, the stagnant piano keys, the muddled strings, it's just a gigantic slog to listen to, and it is unpleasant as hell. This is the type of music more fitting for a crappy Lifetime TV movie, not one of the biggest hit songs of the year. As for the lyrics, I like the concept: a song sung from the perspective of a child whose parents are on the verge of getting divorced, and he's desperately pleading for them to stay together in fear of their family being torn apart. That is a pretty nice idea, and it could've worked if we were given any detail on what made the relationship fail in the first place or any of the hardships the child might be going through as a result of the impending divorce. Oh, and if it didn't sound like ass. That would've helped a lot as well. Oh, and do I really need to explain why lines like "mama, come here, approach, appear" are so terrible. X Ambassadors, I trusted you. I feel betrayed.

5

     On the flip side, even artists I like made music I didn't find that enjoyable this year. Best case scenario, it was just a song that was meh or just okay when it's clear that they can do so much better, but at worst...oh boy......

5) Song: Just Like Fire
    Artist: P!nk
    Year-End Position: 33

      P!nk......why?????? Why would you stoop to such a low?
Look, I love P!nk. She has a plethora of songs that I genuinely love. Just Like A Pill, Who Knew, Fuckin' Perfect, and So What, among others, are pure masterpieces. However, she has had her missteps, and this, by far, is the worst one of the bunch. For starters, the instrumentation is garbage. The handclap percussion sounds stilted as all hell, the acoustic guitar is flaccid, the chorus just sound like complete shit with its claustrophobic mix of synths, guitar, and drum machine, the whole thing sounds like Bad Blood by Taylor Swift but even worse. P!nk herself is both undersinging and oversinging the song completely. She sounds completely checked out during the verses, but when the chorus rolls around, she just belts out these random notes without any sense of control, and it is an assault to the eardrums. And do I even need to mention how goddamn obnoxious those chanting vocals in the pre-chorus and that fucking rap breakdown are? Well, not really, no, but I just did. And the lyrics? God, it's like Girl On Fire meets Fight Song. So many fire metaphors, none of which make sense or really mean anything, and not to mention the false come up from nothing all leading up to a payoff of complete nothing. P!nk, I'm disappointed in you. You're better than this.

4

     Do I even need an introduction for this one

4) Song: No

    Artist: Meghan Trainor

    Year-End Position: 45

     And we may as well throw in #3 as well.

3) Song: Me Too

    Artist: Meghan Trainor

    Year-End Position: 62

          Every second that passes, the more and more my opinion of Meghan Trainor becomes negative. Apart from being a pretty bad human being, her music is just, like, the worst. Hell, not even the songs from her that I used to like do I enjoy anymore. I finally hate All About That Bass, Lips Are Movin' soured hard on me, and while it is her best single to date without question, even Like I'm Gonna Lose You has worn off on me a lot, only saved from being bad due to John Legend and instead is just meh. And of course Dear Future Husband and Marvin Gaye are complete shit. But even with all of that, I was not prepared for these monstrosities.
     We start off with No, which tries to capture the feel of the late 90s and early 2000s pop. I would've been able to get behind this. The problem: it's complete fucking shit. Any sense of cohesion, melody, and restraint that made a lot of the big hits from that era work is just completely gone here. The farting synthesizers, the clattery percussion, the shrill, dissonant whistly sound in the pre-chorus, every element of this song's production clashes horribly with one another, and even worse is how overly bombastic and brash they all are. But even if I could forgive all of that, these lyrics are still a complete trainwreck. Basically, it's Meghan Trainor telling off some guy at a bar who won't stop hitting on her. Except it's not. It's actually Trainor telling a guy off about constantly hitting on her before he even says or does anything. This is just insulting. Like, do I even need to explain what the hell's wrong with that? This dude was probably already shy, timid, and scared enough as it was, and here comes Trainor to shatter his confidence to try and talk to any girl ever again. You fucking bitch. Besides, it's not like Trainor is remotely convincing in any of what she's saying with her worn-out, charisma-free delivery that we've come to know and loathe, but even still, this is just despicable.
     So yeah, after No, I pretty much said "y'know what, Meghan? Do your fucking worst,".........which I am now biting my tongue for because then she released Me Too, and it's even worse than No. For starters, what the fuck is this production? A leaden, burbling, repetitive bassline that sounds like it's from a rejected will.i.am song, thin, popping percussion, random-ass horn interjections, and if the synths on No were farting, then the ones on Me Too are burping. Different end, still sounds gross as fuck. The song has groove, sure, but it's the type of groove that makes people want to leave the club the second it comes on, not the one that has ladies asking their friends to hold their drinks so they can go dance to it. And don't even get me started on the lyrical content. There's self-empowerment anthems, and then there's this. This isn't an empowerment anthem. This is quite literally Meghan Trainor talking down to her audience. The main line is "if I was you, I'd wanna be me too." What more proof do you need? There are certain songs that can be considered "musical taunts", but this is the embodiment of that term. The whole song is just her going "nananabooboo, I'm better than you." Fuck you, Meghan Trainor. Fuck you and everything you stand for.

2

     Ever have one of those songs that's just hard to explain why you hate it so much, but it just makes your skin crawl? Well, I'm gonna try my damndest, because yeah, this is atrocious.

2) Song: Starving

    Artist: Hailee Steinfeld & Grey feat. Zedd

    Year-End Position: 94

     I'm gonna go out on a limb here and admit that I do not like Hailee Steinfeld. Like, at all. I was first exposed to her with her first charting single, Love Myself, which I just couldn't and still can't stand. Then I heard Rock Bottom, the song she did with DNCE, and thought it was okay at first, but it wore off on me pretty quickly. Even with that though, nothing, and I do mean absolutely nothing, could prepare me for this because sweet baby Jesus, this is horrid. Hailee sounds...fine, I guess, but the melodic arrangement she was given just isn't very good. It's just this basic, descending mush that could've been done by literally anyone. Lyrically, this song is just incompetent as all hell. A lot of these lyrics are just structured really badly, and the main premise of the song doesn't make a lick of sense. You cannot know that you were starving until after you've eaten something (or in the metaphorical sense that this song is using the term in, fallen in love with someone, I guess). But the worst part of the song that just sets my teeth on edge every time I hear it is, without question, the instrumentation. For one thing, I don't know if that guitar is real or not, but those scrapes against the strings to try and convince me that it is are really fuckin' annoying. Speaking of that guitar, it's lifeless, formless, strum by numbers schmaltz that's slumber-inducing. Still, even with all of that, the most abhorrent part of this song by a mile is that drop. Between the ragged, tinny backbeat, scraping background synths, and vocal fragments that sound like a swarm of bees on helium and tiny demons from the deepest depths of hell, this is easily the worst moment in pop music 2016, no question. I have no use for this. If you haven't heard it yet, consider yourself lucky and avoid it like the goddamn plague.

And before we get to #1, here are some dishonorable mentions.

DHM1) Song: Pillowtalk

              Artist: Zayn

              Year-End Position: 22

A sludgy, boring as tar song with very little actual melody that is way less sexy than it thinks it is.

DHM2) Song: Closer

              Artist: The Chainsmokers feat. Halsey

              Year-End Position: 10

A gaudy, flat, discordant mess of a song with godawful production, some of the most awkward, stilted synth choices I've heard in a pop song in a long while, soulless vocals from both Halsey and Andrew Taggart (especially Andrew Taggart), content that just churns my stomach the more I think about how overdetailed and rancid it is, and the second worst drop of the entire year. Is it any wonder that this was the hardest song to cut from the list proper? My god, Chainsmokers, you were doing so well with Roses and Don't Let Me Down. What the hell happened?

(sidenote: All We Know would've been #5 had it stuck around on the charts long enough to make the YE)

DHM3) Song: White Iverson

              Artist: Post Malone

              Year-End Position: 65

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DHM4) Song: 7 Years

              Artist: Lukas Graham

              Year-End Position: 12

A decent concept ruined by a shitload of unneeded arrogance, lifeless music box instrumentation, and a frontman with one of the most grating voices in music. Also, "LUKAS GRAAAAAAHAAAAAM!!!!!!"

DHM5) Song: On My Mind

              Artist: Ellie Goulding

              Year-End Position: 81

Oh man, I really did not want to put Ellie Goulding in this position, but I'm sorry, I cannot stand this song. The narrative is disjointed, Goudling's vocal delivery is robotic and monotonous as hell, the percussion is way too stiff and compressed and does not match at all with the repetitive, watery guitar line, and even ignoring how much this fails as a response song to Don't by Ed Sheeran, this just does not work as a song in its own right, either. It's incredibly broken and incompetent, and Ellie, I expect way better from you.

DHM6) Song: One Dance

              Artist: Drake feat. WizKid & Kyla

              Year-End Position: 3

Drake

DHM7) Song: For Free

              Artist: DJ Khaled feat. Drake

              Year-End Position: 59

 Drake.

DHM8) Song: Pop Style

              Artist: Drake feat. The Throne

              Year-End Position: 82

FUCKING DRAKE! 

Alright. Let's end this shit.

1 

     Alright, I've mentioned quite a bit not only on this list but in various posts on my blog of artists and/or songs I can't believe I used to like. However, this artist right here is probably the one I regret liking the most. In fact, the song I am about to name the worst hit song of this entire godforsaken year actually made me realize that what used to be one of my favorite songs of last year is complete trash. However, even that one is a classical symphony compared to......whatever the hell this is. What I'm trying to say is............fuck you, Mendes.

1) Song: Treat You Better

    Artist: Shawn Mendes

    Year-End Position: 28

     Oh man, do I hate this. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I fuhuuuuuuuuuuuucking despise this. I cannot believe there used to be a time where I would defend this little twerp. This kid is just insufferable on all fronts, and I have no idea why the fuck we ever gave him a career because outside of the admittedly pretty decent song he did with Camilla Cabello, there is just nothing to this guy that is even remotely good. You want proof? You're looking at it right here with Treat You Better. No song has pissed me off more this year than this absolutely wretched piece of music. For starters, the instrumentation is way to overstuffed and compressed. The plucky guitar, the overbearing drums, the weird, hollow, echoey effects that come in during the bridge, the song quite literally feels like it's closing in on itself. Then there's Mendes himself, and ugh, who told this kid he could sing. He just scrapes and yelps his way through the song with no restraint, no sense of control, nothing that could make him sound good. His voice is constantly cracking and screechy, and it just sounds baaaaaaaaad. Oh, and I'd be remissed to mention the "BED OR DANNY CAN" moment. All of that, however, pales in comparison with how truly abhorrent the lyrics are because if ever there was a song fitting of being called a "neckbeard anthem," it would be this one. Basically, it's a song about Shawn wanting to get with this girl and "save" her, if you will, from the supposedly bad relationship that she's in because he thinks it's incredibly toxic and he would satisfy her in ways that the other guy never could. And the reasons he gives for why the guy she's currently with isn't good for her and why he's better are.........*cricket sounds*......that's right, complete bupkis.  Look, I typically don't like a lot of "I can steal your girl" songs for what are hopefully obvious reasons, but at least I can respect that they don't make any excuses and just come right out and say "hey, I am stealing your girl from you." Mendes, on the other hand, felt the need to give off this false veneer of class and sophistication, but in reality, it doesn't take much digging to realize how much of a complete douchebag this guy is. Seriously, not only is he saying how wrong he thinks this other guy is for her based off of nothing more than pure assumptions and making some very empty promises in a pathetic attempt to try and win her over, but he's framing this all as though he's such a "gentleman" and will someone get this kid a fedora already? This pisses me off on a level I didn't even know existed. Just fuck off, Mendes. We do not need you here, and we certainly don't need you parading around like every girl you meet is just gonna immediately swoon and dampen her panties over you. This shite is easily the worst hit song of 2016, no question about it. See you guys in the best list.