I review music because I love it: December 2016

Saturday, December 10, 2016

Every Song From The 2016 Year-End Chart Scored

Okay, with both lists out of the way, many of you guys are probably wondering what I think of the other songs on the year-end chart. So here's what the scale's gonna be (as said in the worst list, penned by TheDoubleAgent):

5 - Great
4 - Good
3 - Decent
2 - Meh
1 - Bad
0 - Shit

Okay. Here we go.

1. Love Yourself - 4
2. Sorry (Bieber) - 3
3. One Dance - 0
4. Work - 3
5. Stressed Out - 4
6. Panda - 4
7. Hello - 5
8. Don't Let Me Down - 5
9. Can't Stop The Feeling - 5
10. Closer - 0
11. Cheap Thrills - 4
12. 7 Years - 0
13. Needed Me - 4
14. My House - 4
15. I Took A Pill In Ibiza - 5
16. Work From Home - 1
17. This Is What You Came For - 3
18. Cake By The Ocean - 5
19. Me, Myself & I - 2
20. Ride - 5
21. Heathens - 5
22. Pillowtalk - 0
23. Stitches - 0
24. Hotline Bling - 3
25. Cold Water - 4
26. Send My Love (To Your New Lover) - 3
27. Roses - 4
28. Treat You Better - 0
29. Too Good - 3
30. Low Life - 3
31. What Do You Mean? - 5
32. The Hills - 5
33. Just Like Fire - 0
34. Broccoli - 4
35. Don't - 0
36. Dangerous Woman - 4
37. Jumpman - 4
38. i hate u, i love u - 0
39. Here -5
40. Same Old Love - 4
41. Controlla - 3
42. Like I'm Gonna Lose You - 2
43. One Call Away - 0
44. Let It Go - 1
45. No - 0
46. Never Forget You - 3
47. Let Me Love You - 5
48. Don't Mind - 1
49. H.O.L.Y. - 1
50. We Don't Talk Anymore - 1
51. Into You - 5
52. Gold - 0
53. Exchange - 2
54. 679 - 5
55. Oui - 3
56. Hands To Myself - 1
57. 2 Phones - 4
58. Starboy - 5
59. For Free - 0
60. Never Be Like You - 2
61. In The Night - 5
62. Me Too - 0
63. Ex's & Oh's - 0
64. Die A Happy Man - 3
65. White Iverson - 0
66. Close - 4
67. Unsteady - 0
68. Sucker For Pain - 3
69. Down In The DM - 2
70. Luv - 1
71. Sorry (Beyonce) - 3
72. Can't Feel My Face - 3
73. Hymn For The Weekend - 5
74. Say It - 5
75. Antidote - 3
76. Lost Boy - 1
77. Side To Side - 5
78. Sit Still, Look Pretty - 0
79. Wildest Dreams - 3
80. Middle - 4
81. On My Mind - 0
82. Pop Style - 0
83. When We Were Young - 5
84. Hide Away - 0
85. Lean On - 5
86. I Know What You Did Last Summer - 3
87. All The Way Up - 5
88. Watch Me - 0
89. Back To Sleep - 0
90. No Limit - 3
91. Cut It - 3
92. Really Really - 0
93. All In My Head (Flex) - 4
94. Starving - 0
95. Adventure Of A Lifetime - 4
96. Humble & Kind - 5
97. Wicked - 4
98. Tiimmy Turner - 4
99. See You Again - 3
100. Perfect - 4

Total: 267/500

Like I said at the beginning of my worst list, this was inspired by Cicabe, who I highly recommend you guys check out.

Well, see you guys in 2017.

Top 10 Best Hit Songs Of 2016

Alright, one list down, one more to go, and this time, we get to look at the good that 2016 had to offer. Yeah, I know, I came down really hard on this year, and I still stand by this year not being good at all, but that doesn't mean it's devoid of quality completely, and that's what we're here to look at today, so without further adieu, let's hop right in, shall we?

It seems like a lot of people have really soured on this song a lot, and honestly, that's kind of a shame because if you ask me, it still holds up incredibly well. Also, you know how I said in my worst list the one song I heard with Daya that I liked was the one where she was the featured artist? Well......

10) Song: Don't Let Me Down

Artist: The Chainsmokers feat. Daya

Year-End Position: 8

So......people hate this song? That's a shame.
I remember when The Chainsmokers first burst onto the scene in 2014 with that godawful #SELFIE song, and I gotta say, you have no idea how glad I was that that unfunny, ugly, grating-ass piece of music was not a hit. Then they came back this year with Roses, which was actually really good, and I was certain that that was gonna make the list, probably even top it. Granted, it did wear off on me after a while, but it's still a good song. Then they made this, and dear lord, this is a masterpiece. For one thing, the plucky, liquid guitar is anchored in a pretty solid melody, and it sound gorgeous. It fits perfectly with the light percussion and Daya's vocals, who, speaking of which, actually sounds like she gives a damn on this song. Who knew she could actually emote? You certainly wouldn't know that from Hide Away or Sit Still, Look Pretty. She is just pouring her heart out on this song, and if she did more stuff like this, more people would probably like her, or at least I like to think they would. Then we get to that drop, and yeah, I get why people hate how nasal and thudding it is, but as for me, I just can't help but enjoy how wild, how chaotic, how just......I don't know what draws me to it, exactly. It just works. Lyrically, this song is simply about just wanting to not be let down and feeling lonely in a relationship, and...yeah, that's about it, but for what we get, it's surprisingly well done. Oh, and the payoff on that final chorus is just magnificent. It's kind of a shame that The Chainsmokers went back to sucking after this and that people are seriously turning on this song, but whatever, I still love it.

Here's an artist I'm glad had staying power.

9) Song: Let Me Love You

Artist: DJ Snake feat. Justin Bieber

Year-End Position: 47

DJ Snake is quite the anomaly, isn't he? He has a knack for constructing some really ear-wormy, catchy pop songs that at their core are really basic yet at the same time very well constructed, and this song right here is no exception. Lyrically, it's pretty basic stuff about wanting to save a relationship that seems like it's teetering on the verge of ending. Nothing special, but pretty harmless. However, that's not what makes this song so great. No, that comes in the production and vocals. Now, is this song a musical retread of Lean On? Well, sure, I'll be the first to admit that. That being said, if there was any song to try and copy, it would be that one, and Let Me Love You has a lot of the same elements that made Lean On work on a musical level. The pulsing synths, the textured rattling pattern of the drum machine, the infectious looping vocal fragment for the drop, it all culminates to create a really pleasant listening experience. Also worth noting is this building sense of tension that progresses throughout the verses that makes the song feel bigger than it really is. I don't know why that works so well for me, it just does. And then we come to Justin Bieber's vocals, and not gonna lie, they are fantastic. This guy has definitely been improving. I've really enjoyed quite a bit of his singles ever since Where Are Ü Now, and yeah, I'll say it: this is easily some of his best vocal work to date. He sounds really good here, and he's able to sell the emotion as well as match the intensity put off by the production. Nothing else to say, really. It's just a really well made pop song.

Oh, hey, I finally get to talk about Coldplay.

8) Song: Hymn For The Weekend
Artist: Coldplay (feat. Beyonce)
Year-End Position: 73

Yeah, I've always liked Coldplay. I may not have loved them as much as other people have, necessarily, but when they have songs that are as grandiose as Viva La Vida, as sweeping as Clocks, as powerful as Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall, and heck, even as upbeat and fun as Adventure Of A Lifetime (which was so close to being an HM on this list), is it any wonder that people like them? And yeah, this song is no exception. This song is just so happy and fun and larger than life. The shimmering piano line plays off of the handclaps and what sounds like clinking glasses really well, the horns and guitar have a bunch of swell to them, and they build up perfectly to that chorus, which just explodes which an uber abundant collection of joyous noises that sound wonderful. On top of that, Chris Martin just sounds like he's having the time of his life on this song. Seriously, he just sounds so happy to be alive and well and it's hard to be mad at the guy. Props also go to Beyonce, who, yeah, is kind of a glorified back up vocalist on the track, still manages to shine through. She sounds great, as do her harmonizations with Martin. Lyrically, this song is just about going out on the weekend, getting drunk, and having a good time, but framed as though the Gods have blessed you with such an opportunity to have an amazing time. It's simple yet effective, and the music definitely matches that feeling. The upbeat, dreamy feeling it gives off definitely fits the "hymn" part of the title, but not in the typical sense. Instead of in the boring church music sense, it fits it in that it sounds just so heavenly and spiritual and oh sweet Jesus, it sounds good. Oh, and I guess I should also mention the SeeB remix of this song. I don't hate it, but I don't know, it feels pretty underwhelming. It kind of undercuts what the intent of the original was going for, and it feels kinda cheap to me. Don't get me wrong, SeeB is a great producer (trust me, that'll be proven in a few spots), but his remix of this song just didn't do it for me. As for the original, oh fuck yeah, it did. Fantastic work, guys (and Beyonce).

We can all agree that The Weeknd is great, right?

7) Song: In The Night

Artist: The Weeknd

Year-End Position: 61

We didn't get a lot from The Weeknd this year, and most of the songs from him on the year-end chart are leftovers from last year's YE, but from the ones we did get from him that debuted and were hits this year were pretty damn solid, two in particular sticking out. We'll be dealing with one now and one later. We start off with what is easily the best track from his last album, Beauty Behind The Madness. If there's one thing that's to note about The Weeknd, it's that there's two sides to him: the side that makes bright, happy pop music that wavers between retro throwback and modern electropop sounds, and then there's the darker, more serious sound where he revels in his hedonism and reveals the true monster lying beneath. For this song, he kinda combines the two, and it works extraordinarily. The faded, colorful synths against the backbeat that has a ton of groove to it, the twinkly keys, and The Weeknd just putting his all into the vocals on this song. Seriously, just on pure sound alone, this song is amazing. But, then we dig into the content, and it gets even better. This is a song about a woman whose experiences with sexual abuse has lead her down a path of stripping and various other activities that anyone who just looked at the surface would see her as deplorable, and yet, it wouldn't be right to judge her for no one can truly understand all that's she's gone through in her life. It's a pretty heavy topic, and there's so much nuance and detail that carries the song quite well. Nothing more to say, really. Great song, glad it was a hit.

It's Adele. You didn't think I'd leave her off the best list, did you?

6) Song: When We Were Young

Artist: Adele

Year-End Position: 83

Adele is a godsend to the world of pop music. She has made ~~some~~ a lot of the best songs of this decade. Her material is just so rich, so full, so emotionally captivating, it's pretty much adult contemporary music done right. Heck, even though her stab at at a regular ol' pop song with Send My Love (To Your New Lover) is easily the weakest song she's made to date, it still winds up being pretty decent. This brings us to When We Were Young, and yeah, unsurprisingly, it's fantastic. The reverb-tinged gospel elements, subtle bass line, somber piano keys, hints of tambourine, it all combines to create a solid melodic foundation, and how much swell it has is just incredible, especially when those heavier drums come in on the final chorus. Then, of course, we have Adele showing off her vocal range and amazing ability to emote with her great as usual voice. Not really much to say there. And like many of the songs on this list, the content is absolutely superb. Essentially, this is a song about meeting up with an old friend who seems to have changed a lot whilst Adele herself has stayed pretty much the same, and while their differences have driven them apart, it's not quite something she's really ready to let go of yet, and with as lonely as she's been over the years because of them going their separate ways, she hopes desperately to rekindle that magical bond they used to have, if only for one night because if she doesn't now, it could be too late. It's a heartbreaking song that's executed really well, and is all the more reason that we need more acts like Adele in the mainstream. If there was anymore reason as to why she's awesome, this would be it right here.

My only regret is that I wasn't able to place this song any higher. Eh, oh well. At least Mike Posner is good now.

5) Song: I Took A Pill In Ibiza (SeeB Remix)

Artist: Mike Posner

Year-End Position: 15

Hey, remember back in 2010 when everyone remembered Posner as the dork who wrote the lame, arrogant as hell, though admittedly solidly produced Cooler Than Me? I like to think half of people do and half of people don't, and most of the people that fall on the side of remembering it are embarrassed of its existence, and apparently that group involves Posner, surprisingly. This is his anthem about how fame has its limitations and one can only be so happy with all it provides. Granted, there are quite a few of those songs that exist in the world, so what makes I Took A Pill In Ibiza so special? Well, the twist is that not only is this a song about being sad in spite of fame, this is a song about being sad in spite of fame because of everyone forgetting your very existence and who you are as a person. Now that is what I call a twist. Like, yeah, on the one hand, that one hit probably brought him a ton of money, fame, and women. But at the same time, who really remembers that song? And who really would want to be associated with something so pathetic as Cooler Than Me? I mean, yeah, he had Please Don't Go, but people remember that song even less than Cooler Than Me, so that only further drives the point of the song home. So yeah, the content of the song is great, we've established that, but what about the instrumentation and production? Well, despite how well written it is, it originally started out as a boring as piss acoustic guitar ballad with a third verse that's actually really condescending to a portion of his fanbase (more specifically, his fans from Lafayette). Luckily, in swoop Norwegian production duo SeeB to vamp this song up, and man, did they do a good job or what? They scrapped the extraneous, awful third verse and gave this song the oomph that it needed with the twinkly keys, pulsing synths, and backing percussion that has just some really amazing pacing to it, not to mention that amazing drop. Seriously, that drop is breathtaking. Now, I know that some will say that making this song a dance remix undercuts the emotion of what the song was going for, but honestly, I think it enhances it because it shows that on his own, Posner is nothing, and besides, part of what all he has left in his life in the song is clubbing, so why not ramp up the irony and make it a dance song? And I haven't even mentioned how much Posner is selling it with the vocals. Normally, his weak, breathy vocals are just incredibly limp and hard to listen to because they sound bad, but this time, they're hard to listen to because they only accentuate how broken and alone he feels. So yeah, not really much else to say here. Moving on.

Okay, I've had a lot of fluctuating musical opinions over the years, but this might actually be my biggest 180 on a song to date. You wanna see what was originally #3 on my worst list?

Fuck you, past me.

4) Song: Ride

Artist: twenty one pilots

Year-End Position: 20

I like tøp. They're a band that while I get why many people don't like them, they have a good chunk of songs that I find myself enjoying. Their last album Blurryface was a pretty solid pop record, and this is definitely one of the standout tracks. And I gotta say, it feels a bit weird that I'm saying that consider that pretty much all of 2016, I was pretty much adamant in my hatred for this song. I found it a blaring mess of a song with grating vocals and messy, generic lyrics that were structured badly. It took a long, long, loooooong time, but my thoughts on it have flipped entirely. I'm not sure what exactly caused that change of my view of the song, but I'm glad the switch finally flipped because I've always wanted to like this song for the longest time. For starters, I love this production. The sandy symbols and pounding drums, the plinking reggae keys and the low-fi bassline paired with the ghostly, choppy synths, and the way it explodes into this cacophonous crescendo on the chorus as well as these gospel touches on the bridge that sound so beautiful and emotional. On top of that, Tyler Joseph is just putting his all into his performance on this song, and the way he shreds his vocal chords on that last chorus is absolutely killer. But all of that pales in comparison to the lyrics, and wow, where to even start? It's a bit jumbled and all over the place, but from what I can decode, this is about Tyler Joseph's battles with his own inner thoughts and insecurities that make him question his own self worth and ability to maintain relationships with the people most important to him. These thoughts constantly eat away at him, and he's terrified as hell about confronting them, but he's still willing to confront them nonetheless, and by being willing to live his life in spite of the demons that so desperately want to control him, even with him admitting that he's been thinking about it far too much, he comes out the victor in the end by showing that despite the constant questioning of his own existence, he will let nothing stand in his way. It's subtle yet powerful, and that translates exceedingly well into the perfect combination of subdued yet grandiose and epic instrumentation and vocal delivery. Fantastic job, twenty one pilots. Keep up the good work.

Damn, Ariana was great this year.

3) Song: Into You

Artist: Ariana Grande

Year-End Position: 51

Seriously, Ariana is one of the few artists if not the only artist to put out consistently likable music this year. Dangerous Woman (the album) is a stunning album with pretty much all but one or two songs were excellent, and this is widely considered by many, myself included, as the best song from that album, and for damn good reason because holy shit, this song is stupendous. The best way I can describe this song's sound is massive. The ebbing synths, the low grind during the verses, that explosive as hell chorus, the bridge where those walls of synths provide an excellent transition between the bridge and the final chorus, it all just sounds so huge and epic. Then of course, we have Ariana Grande transitioning between coy and cooing and singing her heart out. Seriously, when does this woman not sound amazing. Lyrically, this song is pretty light on content, really being nothing more than a simple song about being head over heels in love with a guy, but really, that's all it needs to be, and if you ask me, the execution was flawless. Not really a lot to say here. It's a damn great song. Like In The Night and Beauty Behind The Madness from The Weeknd before it, I am so glad that the best song from Dangerous Woman was a hit. Oh, and speaking of which.....................

Hey, look, The Weeknd's on the list again. And look, he's giving Daft Punk another year-end song after Get Lucky in 2013. Awesome.

2) Song: Starboy

Artist: The Weeknd feat. Daft Punk

Year-End Position: 58

It's surprising to think that Daft Punk of all people have only had two songs that were big enough to make year-end charts, the only other one aside from this being with Pharrell for Get Lucky in 2013. Sure, a ton of people know their name and love a bunch of their songs, but yet the charts don't seem to reflect that that much, or at least not the year-end charts, and really, I just find that to be a goddamn crime because they truly are that excellent and have made some of the best electronic music over the years. So if someone like The Weeknd is willing to give them that extra push they need to break through and achieve a second hit, as odd of a pairing as it seems, I'd be on board with that, and what do you know, it turned out to be just as spectacular as everyone thought it'd be, probably even more so. The spaced out piano keys, the thumping bass, the synths creeping around the edges, and that mid-chorus drop that is just thunderous, it's got such a great groove and atmosphere to it that's incredibly hard to deny, and DP's vocoders thrown in as a bonus only add to the greatness. Then we have the weekend giving a more refined and toned down performance, and honestly, I think he might sound better here than on In The Night, amazing as that song is. Of course, the reason this song is up so high is because of, what else, the content. Essentially, this is a song where The Weeknd gives a giant middle finger to the audience that helped him achieve his success. On the surface, it seems pretty insulting, but then you dig into the raw, unfiltered details provided, and it becomes true that we had a part in him becoming the monster that he is now. We made our bed, and now we gotta lay in it. It's really a song that gets the gears in peoples' brains turning, and there's so much nuance and detail that it really does work in a stunningly effective way. I was so tempted to place this song at the top, but we have one more song to go, and oh boy, is it a real doozy.

But before we tackle that beast, here are some quick honorable mentions.

HM1) Song: Broccoli

Artist: D.R.A.M. feat. Lil Yachty

Year-End Position: 34

Lil Yachty keeps this song off this list, especially with that Columbine line, but outside of him, this is a fun, bouncy song with great production, D.R.A.M. has a ton of charisma and energy, and the whole song is just so jovial to listen to.

HM2) Song: Humble & Kind

Artist: Tim McGraw

Year-End Position: 96

This is a really sweet country song with a lush, expansive mix and Tim McGraw's tender vocals that really does feel like you're getting a comforting, warm hug from your dad.

HM3) Song: Say It

Artist: Tory Lanez

Year-End Position: 74

This one snuck up on me how great it was, but yeah, I really dig this song. The sample is interpolated incredibly well, the bass hits, rattling percussion, beeping synths, and smooth keys all have a nice balance to them, and they fit Tory Lanez's light, breezy vocals and the content of how he still wants to spend time with this girl despite the fact that she's really only in the relationship because of how much she likes his car. Color me impressed, I really dig this song.

HM4) Song: All The Way Up

Artist: Fat Joe & Remy Ma feat. French Montana & Infared

Year-End Position: 87

Performances full of charisma, energy, and bravado, a plethora of clever punchlines, and the way the haunting hornline plays off of the thicker bass and skittering trap elements, this is a really fun brag rap song that bangs hard, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

HM5) Song: Cake By The Ocean

Artist: DNCE

Year-End Position: 18

This is just a ridiculously fun, admittedly incredibly stupid song about having sex on the beach. Nothing more, nothing less.

HM6) Song: Side To Side

Artist: Ariana Grande feat. Nicki Minaj

Year-End Position: 77

Definitely glad this perky, vibrant, fun reggae song followed into you. Ariana sounds amazing, handles the pretty explicit subject matter fairly well, and the Nicki Minaj verse is just so goofy and enjoyable. Really good song.

HM7) Song: Heathens

Artist: twenty one pilots

Year-End Position: 21

Like I said, I like twenty one pilots, and this dark, macabre song about one's own insecurities and trust issues even among one's own friend circle (or, at least, suspected friend circle) with an explosive chorus is a prime example as to why. I know many of you were probably expecting Stressed Out to take this spot, but honestly, of all the tøp songs to become hits, I think this might be my favorite (outside of Ride, of course).

HM8) Song: Stressed Out

Artist: twenty one pilots

Year-End Position: 5

Of course, that doesn't mean Stressed Out is any less amazing with its murky, bass heavy beat that still manages to have a solid melodic foundation, good vocal delivery from Tyler Joseph, and lyrics about calling back to a simpler time before having to face adulthood. It's some powerful stuff.

Alright, we're at the end, so time to finish off with............

This is gonna come off as an......odd choice for #1, and I know very few of you are gonna like the fact that this song is on the list at all, let alone right at the top of it. That being said, I asked myself, could I really justify put anywhere but #1 on the list? In the end, the answer turned out to be no, I couldn't. This is the song that I kept coming back to the most all year for a reason, and it just got better with each subsequent listen. I guess all that's left to say is......welcome back, Justin Timberlake.

1) Song: Can't Stop The Feeling

Artist: Justin Timberlake

Year-End Position: 9

Let me just state for the record, right here, right now, that I get why so many people might not like this song. It's stagnant as all hell, some of the lyrics are pretty questionable, and at the end of the day, it's nothing but generic dance fluff that really only serves to be played at weddings, dances, and other various social events. That said, if you can look me in the face and tell me that you wouldn't dance to this song, you are lying through your teeth because even with all that I just noted about this song, this is Justin freakin' Timberlake we're talking about. He could pretty much record the sounds of him taking a shit and turn it in to something amazing. He has vocal chops, and he brings it on this song with so much charisma and energy that it's just impeccable. The instrumentation, as stagnant as it is, is very vibrant and colorful with the washed out piano melody, sandy cymbals, snaps, claps, plucky guitar, horns, synths, it all just melds into this glorious mesh of just pure pop fun. But the main reason that this tops my best list is because out of all the songs on this list, this is the song that gave the fewest damns and proved that a pop song could be about absolutely nothing and doesn't really need to be to be absolutely amazing. Sure, there are plenty of other bright, happy pop hits that we got this year, many of which wound up on this very list, but even then, they all felt the need to try and sprinkle in some sort of lyrical complexity, and while that's all fine and dandy, it isn't always necessary. Hell, as basic as Into You's lyrics are, even it was still about something. Can't Stop The Feeling just says "fuck that noise, just dance to your heart's content," and really, that's all that needs to be done sometimes, and if you ask me, it did it in the best of ways. Timberlake asks me to dance dance dance, and that's exactly what I'm doing each and every time I hear this song, and besides, in a year that dragged on as much as 2016 did and with as much crap as we got, we really needed this breath of fresh air. So I'm gonna give this the highest honor it deserves: it is my favorite hit song of 2016.

Link to what the scores I gave each song on the year-end chart will be here. Hope to see you guys next year, but until then, merry Christmas, happy holidays, happy New Year, and I will see you guys later.

Thursday, December 8, 2016

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs Of 2016

     Hey guys. I know you're probably wondering where I've been and where that best #1's of the 2000s list is. Well, I've been really busy between work and school as well as having total writer's block when it comes to what a lot of my picks are, time has not been kind to me, and I do apologize for that. I can reassure you, however, that they will be out soon. How soon? Well, I'm not sure. My aim is within the next few months, but we'll have to see where that goes. Either way, they are coming, and again, I do apologize for prolonging them for so long. For now, though, it's the end of the year, and that means it's year-end list making time.

    For anyone new here wondering what makes a song eligible for this list, I'll keep it simple: song had to make the year-end hot 100 for this year and this year alone, meaning if it didn't make the YE or it's a leftover from last year's YE, it's not making the cut.

     Now, this year. How did 2016 stack up in terms of mus-FUCK 2016! FUCK 2016! FUCK 2016!
Dear lord, this year was garbage. You may not know that from looking at the year-end chart, which gained a personal score from me of a 267/500 (which, for the record, after I put my best list up, I will share in a Cicabe style post. Btw, check that guy out, he's a pretty cool dude), but in terms of songs that charted during the year in general, most of it was just plain garbage. There were so many songs that debuted where I found myself either going "please become a hit" or "I hope to god this doesn't gain any traction at all," and either way, the opposite would happen, and it was rare when something I actually wanted to become a hit was huge and something I wanted to flop actually flopped. Plus, even with the YE getting a seemingly decent score from me, I still wound up with more 0's than 5's (going by the scale penned by TheDoubleAgent, of course). Sweet fuck, let's just get this over with.

And we start the list off with a pick where it would be predictable that the artist would wind up on the list, but the song itself? Mmmmm, maybe not so much. But make no mistake, it definitely deserves to be here.

10) Song: Back To Sleep

Artist: Chris Brown

Year-End Position: 89

I've already said my piece on Chris Brown multiple times already. He is a horrible human being whose music making skills are just as bad if not worse, give or take a few rare exceptions. This is admittedly on the upper end of the bad songs, but that's not exactly saying much considering that it's still terrible. The instrumentation is actually pretty alright with some 90's inspired percussion and a pretty slick synth line. Granted, the robotic vocal snippets could've been cut from the song as they don't fit in at all and are pretty annoying, but I digress. On top of that, Chris's crooning isn't that bad either, honestly. It's loaded to the brim with gratuitous autotune as per usual, admittedly, but it sounds alright, and it fits the mood of the song. So with all that, why is this song on the list? Well, it all comes back to the content of the song. Basically, this is a song where Chris Brown, after a long flight, comes home in the middle of the night and accidentally wakes her up in the middle of the night. His solution? To "fuck her back to sleep." A bit of an......odd method, but it'd be something I could get behind. Or at least I would if he didn't say this:

"Don't say a word, no girl, don't you talk"

......I'm sorry, what the hell? He is seriously saying that the sex he intends to have with his gf is sex that she did not consent to. I mean, I could be wrong, that might not be the intent, but I'm sorry, how the hell else am I supposed to interpret that? I would ask if Chris knew the implications of what that line entails, knowing him and his songwriting efforts (and how little effort he puts in most of the time), it wouldn't surprise me if he did not give one scintilla of a shit, and that's all the more infuriating. Screw you, Breezy. I'm glad your career is almost dead. After the admittedly pretty great Do You Mind's chart run is finished, you're most likely pretty much gonna be through having hits, and I pray that those days come sooner rather than later.

I think music that's typically deemed as "immature" normally gets a bad rep, and honestly, I think that's kind of unfair. At least sometimes. In fact, if you ask me, age shouldn't really matter when it comes to determining a song's quality. Hell, Carly Rae Jepsen was 26 when she sang Call Me Maybe and JoJo 13 with Leave (Get Out), and those songs still turned out to be great. However, whenever sheer incompetence is added into the mix, it's bound to be nothing but a recipe for disaster.

9) Song: Hide Away

Artist: Daya

Year-End Position: 84

I'm just gonna be up front with you guys: I don't like Daya. You know the phrase "two out of three ain't bad"? Well, in Daya's case, it's the exact opposite as I have heard exactly 3 songs from her, all of which made the year-end list. She's the main artist on two of them and a featured artist on the third one, and the one where she's the featured artist is the only one I actively enjoy. I won't say she's outright awful (although I'm sure I'd say differently if I heard her debut album in full), but yeah, she's definitely not good, and her debut single just leaves a sour taste in my mouth. For one thing, the production is sloppy as hell. The muted melody does not match at all with the stiff, staticky drum machine, and the synths during the chorus sound jagged, awkward, and just all around irksome. Daya herself is just an incredibly weak vocalist. She doesn't have anywhere near the charisma, energy, or pipes to really drive this song home, and the vocal chanting on the bridge is just repulsive. It is quite literally a taunt to the listener, which can also describe the lyrical content pretty well. It's a song where Daya sings about how guys only go after girls who aren't prudes yet not total whores at the same time and how they don't appreciate all the time and money girls put in to making them happy and oh dear Odin, this is painfully childish and high school. I know she was 16 at the time of recording this, so I am willing to give her slightly more leeway when it comes to making this type of song, but it still doesn't make the song any less lyrically abysmal. There's no nuance or self-awareness to make any of this work, and it just comes off as petty and vindictive in one of the most immature and irredeemable types of ways. And, wait, she also, says she'd rather have a boy "who's down for the chase." Wait, so which is it, Daya, do you want a guy to recognize how much time and effort you put in to being good looking and all that, or do you want to be coy and play hard to get? You can't have it both ways. Oh, and for the record, Sit Still, Look Pretty was almost a DHM for being very much in the same mold as Hide Away, only with slightly more competent production, but was just muscled off due to how bad this year was. I see potential in Daya, but as it stands, she has a long way to go if she wants to impress this guy as an artist.

Whoa, Kevin Gates, what the hell happened to you, man?

8) Song: Really Really
Artist: Kevin Gates
Year-End Position: 92

Look, I don't hate Kevin Gates. I remember back when I Don't Get Tired first hit the Billboard Hot 100 in 2015, and I still maintain that song is genuinely great, but he hasn't exactly been able to recreate the magic of that song since. I mean, there was 2 Phones, which despite being asinine as hell, still coasted off of some silly punchlines, a goofy, offbeat flow that actually sounds pretty nice, and a burbling bassline that actually kinda lowkey bangs, if I'm being honest. Still, it's only merely passable rather than outright fantastic like I Don't Get Tired was, and if Really Really is any indication on how the rest of Islah sounds, then that seems like something I would want to avoid like the goddamn plague because ugh, this song is just atrocious. I'll give Gates some credit for actually having some energy and charisma, which is what saves this from being any higher, but it's not enough to distract from how stilted and awkward his flow is. It's not the worst flow I've heard, but it is the definition of subpar. In terms of content, it's your basic, empty luxury rap that we've heard dozens of times before, which I would be willing to forgive if a bunch of the lines weren't so embarrassing and just cringeworthy, from talking about eating out Jhene Aiko's ass, an out of place sneezing reference, saying his diamonds shine because they're real diamonds (uh, I'm pretty sure they could still shine even they weren't real), lines like "relationship flaking, no eczema," and the basic premise of how his response to anyone who asks him if he's really as awesome as he says he is will be "really really," which is nowhere even close as convincing as he thinks it is, it's all enough to have me going "oh god, c'mon dude, just stop before everyone starts laughing at you," which, make no mistake, there will be people laughing at him, and for good reason. But even putting all of that aside, it's the godawful production that really sinks this song. The smeared over, lifeless organ line, grating as hell chorus (seriously, Kevin Gates says he can sing, but this song definitely proves otherwise), bells that just sound out of place and are drowned out by the rest of the mix, generic trap percussion, and bass that's thudding and overbearing, it's just a gigantic, headache-inducing monstrosity of a song that I'd like to forget even exists sooner rather than later.

Oh, Charlie Puth. To think I used to like you at one point. Ahaha, ahaha, what the fuck was wrong with me?

7) Song: One Call Away

Artist: Charlie Puth

Year-End Position: 43

Hey, remember when See You Again happened and we all thought Charlie Puth was decent? And then how all that went down the tubes once Marvin Gaye came into existence? I do. How I long to have those days of blissful ignorance back because dreck like this is just plain disgraceful. This song is pretty much the drum machine of See You Again with the piano chords of Locked Away with all of the blandness of the latter but none of the rich texture of the former. It's incredibly limp with the predictable piano chords, dismal synth choices, stale drum loop, and overall just being boring as tar. This is the type of schlock that gets played on that one adult contemporary station that not even your mom listens to when she's in the car by herself. On top of that, Puth just flat out sucks as a vocalist. He's way too willowy, he can't hold a note, and him hitting high notes? Pfft. Forget it. His dog whistle of a voice alone would be enough to put this on the list. But then we get to content, and oh boy, what a shitfest. A lot of the lines are done to death platitudes that hold no weight or any sense of emotion behind them, you have Puth saying Superman "got nothing on him," which just...no, and what's supposed to be an anthem about supporting a girl in her time of distress comes off more as Puth just simpering along and trying to get in her pants. Also, "when you're weak, I'll be strong, I'm gonna keep holding on"? Reeeeeaaaaally supportive there, Puth. -_-
This song is just worthless, and I would rather not spend anymore time on it than I already have. NEXT!

And speaking of acts I question why the hell I used to like......

6) Song: Unsteady

Artist: X Ambassadors

Year-End Position: 67

I remember kinda liking Renegades, but it was a song that I found myself coming back to less and less, and eventually I had to come to terms with the fact that it's nothing more than a generic, sludgy. stiff as hell cash grab that gained fame off of a car commercial. The same thing sort of happened with this song as I kinda liked this one at first as well, but it wore off on me way quicker, and whereas I only think Renegades to be pretty bad, I absolutely despise Unsteady. For one thing, Sam Harris is a terrible vocalist. His voice is grating, his falsetto is painful, even moreso than Charlie Puth's, and he's way too loud and aggressive to capture the emotional feel of what he's going for. He just whimpers his way through the song without any sense of control or direction in his voice. Not helping is the production, which yeah, this just flat out sucks. The plodding, skittering, borderline trap percussion, the stagnant piano keys, the muddled strings, it's just a gigantic slog to listen to, and it is unpleasant as hell. This is the type of music more fitting for a crappy Lifetime TV movie, not one of the biggest hit songs of the year. As for the lyrics, I like the concept: a song sung from the perspective of a child whose parents are on the verge of getting divorced, and he's desperately pleading for them to stay together in fear of their family being torn apart. That is a pretty nice idea, and it could've worked if we were given any detail on what made the relationship fail in the first place or any of the hardships the child might be going through as a result of the impending divorce. Oh, and if it didn't sound like ass. That would've helped a lot as well. Oh, and do I really need to explain why lines like "mama, come here, approach, appear" are so terrible. X Ambassadors, I trusted you. I feel betrayed.

On the flip side, even artists I like made music I didn't find that enjoyable this year. Best case scenario, it was just a song that was meh or just okay when it's clear that they can do so much better, but at worst...oh boy......

5) Song: Just Like Fire
Artist: P!nk
Year-End Position: 33

P!nk......why?????? Why would you stoop to such a low?
Look, I love P!nk. She has a plethora of songs that I genuinely love. Just Like A Pill, Who Knew, Fuckin' Perfect, and So What, among others, are pure masterpieces. However, she has had her missteps, and this, by far, is the worst one of the bunch. For starters, the instrumentation is garbage. The handclap percussion sounds stilted as all hell, the acoustic guitar is flaccid, the chorus just sound like complete shit with its claustrophobic mix of synths, guitar, and drum machine, the whole thing sounds like Bad Blood by Taylor Swift but even worse. P!nk herself is both undersinging and oversinging the song completely. She sounds completely checked out during the verses, but when the chorus rolls around, she just belts out these random notes without any sense of control, and it is an assault to the eardrums. And do I even need to mention how goddamn obnoxious those chanting vocals in the pre-chorus and that fucking rap breakdown are? Well, not really, no, but I just did. And the lyrics? God, it's like Girl On Fire meets Fight Song. So many fire metaphors, none of which make sense or really mean anything, and not to mention the false come up from nothing all leading up to a payoff of complete nothing. P!nk, I'm disappointed in you. You're better than this.

Do I even need an introduction for this one

4) Song: No

Artist: Meghan Trainor

Year-End Position: 45

And we may as well throw in #3 as well.

3) Song: Me Too

Artist: Meghan Trainor

Year-End Position: 62

      Every second that passes, the more and more my opinion of Meghan Trainor becomes negative. Apart from being a pretty bad human being, her music is just, like, the worst. Hell, not even the songs from her that I used to like do I enjoy anymore. I finally hate All About That Bass, Lips Are Movin' soured hard on me, and while it is her best single to date without question, even Like I'm Gonna Lose You has worn off on me a lot, only saved from being bad due to John Legend and instead is just meh. And of course Dear Future Husband and Marvin Gaye are complete shit. But even with all of that, I was not prepared for these monstrosities.
     We start off with No, which tries to capture the feel of the late 90s and early 2000s pop. I would've been able to get behind this. The problem: it's complete fucking shit. Any sense of cohesion, melody, and restraint that made a lot of the big hits from that era work is just completely gone here. The farting synthesizers, the clattery percussion, the shrill, dissonant whistly sound in the pre-chorus, every element of this song's production clashes horribly with one another, and even worse is how overly bombastic and brash they all are. But even if I could forgive all of that, these lyrics are still a complete trainwreck. Basically, it's Meghan Trainor telling off some guy at a bar who won't stop hitting on her. Except it's not. It's actually Trainor telling a guy off about constantly hitting on her before he even says or does anything. This is just insulting. Like, do I even need to explain what the hell's wrong with that? This dude was probably already shy, timid, and scared enough as it was, and here comes Trainor to shatter his confidence to try and talk to any girl ever again. You fucking bitch. Besides, it's not like Trainor is remotely convincing in any of what she's saying with her worn-out, charisma-free delivery that we've come to know and loathe, but even still, this is just despicable.
     So yeah, after No, I pretty much said "y'know what, Meghan? Do your fucking worst,".........which I am now biting my tongue for because then she released Me Too, and it's even worse than No. For starters, what the fuck is this production? A leaden, burbling, repetitive bassline that sounds like it's from a rejected will.i.am song, thin, popping percussion, random-ass horn interjections, and if the synths on No were farting, then the ones on Me Too are burping. Different end, still sounds gross as fuck. The song has groove, sure, but it's the type of groove that makes people want to leave the club the second it comes on, not the one that has ladies asking their friends to hold their drinks so they can go dance to it. And don't even get me started on the lyrical content. There's self-empowerment anthems, and then there's this. This isn't an empowerment anthem. This is quite literally Meghan Trainor talking down to her audience. The main line is "if I was you, I'd wanna be me too." What more proof do you need? There are certain songs that can be considered "musical taunts", but this is the embodiment of that term. The whole song is just her going "nananabooboo, I'm better than you." Fuck you, Meghan Trainor. Fuck you and everything you stand for.

Ever have one of those songs that's just hard to explain why you hate it so much, but it just makes your skin crawl? Well, I'm gonna try my damndest, because yeah, this is atrocious.

2) Song: Starving

Artist: Hailee Steinfeld & Grey feat. Zedd

Year-End Position: 94

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and admit that I do not like Hailee Steinfeld. Like, at all. I was first exposed to her with her first charting single, Love Myself, which I just couldn't and still can't stand. Then I heard Rock Bottom, the song she did with DNCE, and thought it was okay at first, but it wore off on me pretty quickly. Even with that though, nothing, and I do mean absolutely nothing, could prepare me for this because sweet baby Jesus, this is horrid. Hailee sounds...fine, I guess, but the melodic arrangement she was given just isn't very good. It's just this basic, descending mush that could've been done by literally anyone. Lyrically, this song is just incompetent as all hell. A lot of these lyrics are just structured really badly, and the main premise of the song doesn't make a lick of sense. You cannot know that you were starving until after you've eaten something (or in the metaphorical sense that this song is using the term in, fallen in love with someone, I guess). But the worst part of the song that just sets my teeth on edge every time I hear it is, without question, the instrumentation. For one thing, I don't know if that guitar is real or not, but those scrapes against the strings to try and convince me that it is are really fuckin' annoying. Speaking of that guitar, it's lifeless, formless, strum by numbers schmaltz that's slumber-inducing. Still, even with all of that, the most abhorrent part of this song by a mile is that drop. Between the ragged, tinny backbeat, scraping background synths, and vocal fragments that sound like a swarm of bees on helium and tiny demons from the deepest depths of hell, this is easily the worst moment in pop music 2016, no question. I have no use for this. If you haven't heard it yet, consider yourself lucky and avoid it like the goddamn plague.

And before we get to #1, here are some dishonorable mentions.

DHM1) Song: Pillowtalk

Artist: Zayn

Year-End Position: 22

A sludgy, boring as tar song with very little actual melody that is way less sexy than it thinks it is.

DHM2) Song: Closer

Artist: The Chainsmokers feat. Halsey

Year-End Position: 10

A gaudy, flat, discordant mess of a song with godawful production, some of the most awkward, stilted synth choices I've heard in a pop song in a long while, soulless vocals from both Halsey and Andrew Taggart (especially Andrew Taggart), content that just churns my stomach the more I think about how overdetailed and rancid it is, and the second worst drop of the entire year. Is it any wonder that this was the hardest song to cut from the list proper? My god, Chainsmokers, you were doing so well with Roses and Don't Let Me Down. What the hell happened?

(sidenote: All We Know would've been #5 had it stuck around on the charts long enough to make the YE)

DHM3) Song: White Iverson

Artist: Post Malone

Year-End Position: 65

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

DHM4) Song: 7 Years

Artist: Lukas Graham

Year-End Position: 12

A decent concept ruined by a shitload of unneeded arrogance, lifeless music box instrumentation, and a frontman with one of the most grating voices in music. Also, "LUKAS GRAAAAAAHAAAAAM!!!!!!"

DHM5) Song: On My Mind

Artist: Ellie Goulding

Year-End Position: 81

Oh man, I really did not want to put Ellie Goulding in this position, but I'm sorry, I cannot stand this song. The narrative is disjointed, Goudling's vocal delivery is robotic and monotonous as hell, the percussion is way too stiff and compressed and does not match at all with the repetitive, watery guitar line, and even ignoring how much this fails as a response song to Don't by Ed Sheeran, this just does not work as a song in its own right, either. It's incredibly broken and incompetent, and Ellie, I expect way better from you.

DHM6) Song: One Dance

Artist: Drake feat. WizKid & Kyla

Year-End Position: 3

Drake

DHM7) Song: For Free

Artist: DJ Khaled feat. Drake

Year-End Position: 59

Drake.

DHM8) Song: Pop Style

Artist: Drake feat. The Throne

Year-End Position: 82

FUCKING DRAKE!

Alright. Let's end this shit.

Alright, I've mentioned quite a bit not only on this list but in various posts on my blog of artists and/or songs I can't believe I used to like. However, this artist right here is probably the one I regret liking the most. In fact, the song I am about to name the worst hit song of this entire godforsaken year actually made me realize that what used to be one of my favorite songs of last year is complete trash. However, even that one is a classical symphony compared to......whatever the hell this is. What I'm trying to say is............fuck you, Mendes.

1) Song: Treat You Better

Artist: Shawn Mendes

Year-End Position: 28

Oh man, do I hate this. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, I fuhuuuuuuuuuuuucking despise this. I cannot believe there used to be a time where I would defend this little twerp. This kid is just insufferable on all fronts, and I have no idea why the fuck we ever gave him a career because outside of the admittedly pretty decent song he did with Camilla Cabello, there is just nothing to this guy that is even remotely good. You want proof? You're looking at it right here with Treat You Better. No song has pissed me off more this year than this absolutely wretched piece of music. For starters, the instrumentation is way to overstuffed and compressed. The plucky guitar, the overbearing drums, the weird, hollow, echoey effects that come in during the bridge, the song quite literally feels like it's closing in on itself. Then there's Mendes himself, and ugh, who told this kid he could sing. He just scrapes and yelps his way through the song with no restraint, no sense of control, nothing that could make him sound good. His voice is constantly cracking and screechy, and it just sounds baaaaaaaaad. Oh, and I'd be remissed to mention the "BED OR DANNY CAN" moment. All of that, however, pales in comparison with how truly abhorrent the lyrics are because if ever there was a song fitting of being called a "neckbeard anthem," it would be this one. Basically, it's a song about Shawn wanting to get with this girl and "save" her, if you will, from the supposedly bad relationship that she's in because he thinks it's incredibly toxic and he would satisfy her in ways that the other guy never could. And the reasons he gives for why the guy she's currently with isn't good for her and why he's better are.........*cricket sounds*......that's right, complete bupkis. Look, I typically don't like a lot of "I can steal your girl" songs for what are hopefully obvious reasons, but at least I can respect that they don't make any excuses and just come right out and say "hey, I am stealing your girl from you." Mendes, on the other hand, felt the need to give off this false veneer of class and sophistication, but in reality, it doesn't take much digging to realize how much of a complete douchebag this guy is. Seriously, not only is he saying how wrong he thinks this other guy is for her based off of nothing more than pure assumptions and making some very empty promises in a pathetic attempt to try and win her over, but he's framing this all as though he's such a "gentleman" and will someone get this kid a fedora already? This pisses me off on a level I didn't even know existed. Just fuck off, Mendes. We do not need you here, and we certainly don't need you parading around like every girl you meet is just gonna immediately swoon and dampen her panties over you. This shite is easily the worst hit song of 2016, no question about it. See you guys in the best list.