10
Nelly, dude, what the hell happened here?
10) Song: Dilemma
Artist: Nelly feat. Kelly Rowland
Year It Was #1: 2002
Look, I like Nelly, and most days, I would defend his music, but even in his early days, he had his low points, and this, unfortunately is one of them. God, I can't believe I used to like this song. Everything about this song's production and vocals may seem fine on the surface, but trust me, it gets really stale really fast. The mix of muted and twinkly keys, the subtly tapping percussion, the weird echo effects that make the melodies in the production uncomfortable as hell, the sing-songy vocal patter that gets really annoying really fast, especially on the chorus, all of these flaws are pretty minor, but believe me, they add up and fast. But above all, what really bugs me about this song is the content. Now, there have been plenty "I can steal yo girl" songs done by R&B and hip hop stars in the past, and suffice to say that unless the production and/or lyrical content are captivating/enjoyable enough to forgive that, I'm generally not a fan of these songs one scintilla. However, not only does this song not do either of those things, but it goes the extra mile by placing Kelly in the role of someone who is already married and has a kid, and then here comes Nelly to try and steal her away from what is not only presumed but is explicitly stated in the song how happy she is to have such a family, and here's Nelly over here having a "dilemma" of whether or not to steal her from a life that she's quite comfortable in and loves a lot. Hmm, gee, I wonder what the right thing to do would be. -_- Oh, and let's not forget the gem of a line "cuz I, I never been the type to break up a happy home."
And then we have Kelly, who's just willing to go along with the whole thing because.........carrot. It's never explained. She just does it with no heed to the consequences. And then Nelly directly says that he's going to later leave her, thus leaving her to single parent-dom given that he stole her away from the husband that she was already with, all the while Rowland just acts completely oblivious to the entire thing and I'm sorry, but do I even need to explain what's wrong with this picture? If this were framed as something that shouldn't be done but is done anyway as an "in the moment" rush type of thing with production that had more punch or a tightly controlled groove, then this might've worked. But no, it's cutesy, childish, and although the song is called Dilemma, we're given no evidence that anything even close to something like that is happening. It's framed as though something like this is a cool thing to do, and that just really rubs me the wrong way in nearly every sense possible. Talk about wasted potential.
9
Did I mention that Ja Rule is, like, the worst? Because he kinda is.
9) Song: Always On Time
Artist: Ja Rule feat. Ashanti
Year It Was #1: 2002
Okay, real talk, who here actually likes (or even at one point liked) Ja Rule? Seriously, of all the 2Pac ripoffs, we made this guy infinitely more popular than DMX despite the fact that DMX has way more talent than Ja Rule had outside of that one verse he did on Can I Get A... by Jay-Z. His voice is rough but with nothing to counter how incredibly loud and irksome his voice is. On top of that, his main cash grab was the "thugz need luv, 2" song, a subgenre that has almost never worked. I mean, at best, we get songs like Trap Queen, 679, and best yet by a mile, I'll Be There For You/You're All I Need To Get By. However, at worst, we get bottom of the barrel shit like this. The "hardcore gangsta shit for the fellas yet talkin' 'bout luv fo' da hunnies" style of lyricism has almost always failed due to the blatantly obvious and stark contrast between the two ends of the spectrum, and they constantly clash whenever any attempt to bring them together is made, so it's no surprised that Mr. Rule over here has always settled for the worst possible combo of the two, and if this isn't the worst possible song in that category, then man, has it got some stiff competition. Apart from Ja Rule's ear splitting singing and flow, his lyricism is just all over the place and in all the wrong areas. It's a song where he clearly has shown no remorse or care for anything he's done to his girl, but still wants her to stay with her because love is about pain and struggle and they've been through worse together and blah blah blah, put a fuckin' sock in it, asshole. Look, I don't care how rich and famous you are, if you are a disrespectful prickhead in a relationship, you're not gonna gain any sympathy or emotional points for me if you don't show any genuine remorse for what you did, and hell, given the severity of some things that try to get justified in certain songs, not even that works sometimes, and man, Ja doesn't even try here. There's also the apparent restraining order between him and his girl, which, yeah, you are not making yourself look any better there, buddy. Shit, even though I'm not that on board with her scratching up his car and tearing up the seats inside, I have no other option to believe that it was probably a justifiable response to something he did to her. In any other song, I'd look at that and say the girl was in the wrong, but no, I'm closer to siding with the vandal girlfriend on this one. Then there's Ja casually calling his girl derogatory slurs like "bitch" and "ho" as if it's nothing, showing his valuing of material objects over anything having to do with the relationship he's in, talking about how he has two or three side chicks for every car he owns and how he intoxicates other girls with drugs so he can have sex with them and yeah, it's not hard to see how this is a song about a relationship between a pimp and one of his girls. A really infuriatingly emotionally manipulative song about a relationship between a pimp (who we can add being a rapist on to that list) and one of his girls. I will admit that I do enjoy how slick the beat is as well as Ashanti's chorus being excellent (vocally, that is, seriously, she really is the saving grace of this song), and in any other song, they would've been enjoyable, but I said it before and I'll say it again: Ja Rule = the absolute worst.
8
Y'know, I think I may break a few hearts when I say that I kinda like Run It! by Chris Brown. I dunno, I just find it really fun, upbeat, energetic, catchy, just a pretty good, even if admittedly stupid song. So yeah, Run It!, it's safe from this list. Oh, did you think that meant Chris Brown was safe from this list altogether? Slap yoself with both hands and yo feet right now.
8) Song: Kiss Kiss
Artist: Chris Brown feat. T-Pain
Year It Was #1: 2007
Look, not gonna lie, before a certain... incident took place in 2009, I thought this guy's music was, at the very least, pretty tolerable, but Gimme That was just plain awful, and in many, many times worse. First off, that intro with the radio station-esque introduction that nobody in their right mind wanted, what the hell was up with that? It was just so unnecessary. It added nothing to a song, and if it was trying to start some sort of trend, it failed miserably, and thank god for that. I'm not gonna spend too much time on the lyrical content because there really isn't that much to say about it, but I will be brief: it's Chris Brown and T-Pain trying to pick up chicks by bragging about how cool they are in the lamest, most juvenile and flat out humiliating ways possible. I mean, seriously, McDonald's, T-Pain? Really? But what really places this song so high and sets my teeth on edge is just how godawful the production and vocals are. Every single element of this song's composition clashes so severely with one another that the end result is just one gigantic pileup of nothing but garbage. The generic, formless percussion, the warped guitar line that is way too light for a song of this caliber, the flat synths, strings that were obviously just tacked on and serve no purpose whatsoever, it's all just so unbearable. And then there's the vocals, and I'll be damned if this isn't Chris Brown's worst vocal performances to date. His voice is just lathered in so much autotune that it makes him sound just so robotic and ear-piercing. He even manages to out-autotune T-Pain on this song, who, oddly enough, doesn't have any autotune on his voice on this song. Oh, and speaking of S-Opposite-of-Pleasure, he usually sounds pretty great, but unfortunately, he went the Fergie route (believe me, we'll be talking about her again later on) for this song and put the most obnoxious inflections on his voice possible here. Seriously, that chorus is just so mocking and childish, it sounds like some sort of middle school type of taunt, and don't even get me started on his rapping. Seriously, between the call and response parts, the squeaky, breathy parts that just sound screechy and awkward, and the "ooh-WEE" part at the end is just pathetic. Terrible song all around, and any hope that Brown would get better was short lived with With You, Forever, and No Air in 2008 and utterly decimated after 2009. Yippee.
7
I'm sorry, Rodrigo.
Song: Whatcha Say
Artist: Jason DeRulo
Year It Was #1: 2009
Look, I've stated multiple times on here that I like a good portion of and am willing to defend Jason DeRulo's music, but this is one instance where that is not the case at all. For one thing, oddly fitting yet completely misused Imogen Heap sample with an unnecessary stutter effect aside, this production is terrible. The flat, buzzy synth, the dull horn injections, the bass that's buried way too low in the mix yet somehow way too high at the same time, the glittery, incoherent, twinkling melody in the chorus that's just totally formless, the thudding, one note piano, percussion that's okay at best, it all just culminates into a gigantic ball of loud, annoying noise. Then there's DeRulo himself, who not only is covered in autotune, but pretty much is the autotune, and while it sounds good on some of his other songs, it just does not here. Let me put it to you this way: a goat remix wouldn't be needed because there's already one singing it. But what puts this song up so high, apart from all of that, is, what else, the lyrics. Essentially, it's a guy trying to apologize to his girl after he cheated on her. Except it isn't. It's actually a song where DeRulo cheats on his girl, doesn't feel a morsel of remorse for it, but still tries to convince the girl in question to stay with him because he "misses her" and without her, "things ain't right" (seriously, this must be the 80s because gag me with a spoon). It just comes across as so cheap and disingenuous, not to mention dickish as all fuck. Oh, and the fact that he outright says that he's gonna try to buy her love back is not only pointless as all hell given that the chances of it working are incredibly low, but even if it did work, it'd be incredibly infuriating given that it wouldn't exactly make her out to be the best person to be in a relationship either, and that is just sad, which we thankfully get no indication of in the song. Not really much more to say, this song just really fucking blows. Next.
6
And Beyoncé disappoints. Again. And this time, it's with the group she used to be a part of. Whoopee.
Song: Bootylicious
Artist: Destiny's Child
Year It Was #1: 2000
Destiny's Child were a mixed bag, to say the least. On the one hand, you get great songs like Survivor, Say My Name, Independent Women, and Lose My Breath. On the other, you get trash like Bug A Boo, Soldier, Cater 2 U, Bills, Bills, Bills, and the one on the table today, Bootylicious. I can't believe there used to be a point in time where I liked this song. There really is nothing redeemable about this apart from maybe the vocals, and even then, they have an extraneous amount of effects piled on to them that make them sound way less organic than they should. Normally, arrogance is something that can be forgiven if the performers have enough charisma and personality, or at the very least tolerable enough production to excuse it. Hell, look at Uptown Funk, the quintessential song about being arrogant and bragging about how awesome you are yet still maintaining a likable personality whilst doing so. However, if you just come off as overbearing and obnoxious, that shit's gonna become insufferable, and fast, and that's exactly what happens here. Beyoncé, Kelly, uh......*does Google search*......Michelle, we get it, you girls have attractive bodies and big butts. Whoopdee-freakin'-doo, do ya want a cookie or something? And the production? Pfft. That shit was dead on arrival. It jacks the guitar line from Edge Of Seventeen by Stevie Nicks, but removes everything else that made that song interesting (or, y'know, good), and instead, it gets paired with some of the stiffest, most overprocessed drum machines I've ever heard as well as these intrusive, off kilter horn injections during the chorus that do not sound good in the slightest. Still, even with hating this song enough for it to land this high, there's at least one thing I can say about it: at least it has the decency to frame the guy in question as actually having been a womanizing asshole instead of having not even done anything but tried to talk to her and isn't as dumb as I think you know where I'm going with this.
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Cancer.
5
For fucks sake, Nelly, I'm trying to like you here, dude. C'mon.
Song: Grillz
Artist: Nelly feat. Paul Wall & Gipp
Year It Was #1: 2006
I swear to the heavens, I really do like Nelly's music, but between this, Dilemma, Shake Ya Tailfeather, and Air Force Ones among others, he sure does make it hard to justify being a fan of his. Alright, let's see what we're dealing with this time. For starters, this production is egregious. It tries to have some sort of energy and life but winds up being way too punchy, and drowns everything else out, save for Nelly's vocals on the chorus. This wouldn't be a problem, honestly, if it wasn't composed of nothing more than a few jagged, unpleasant synthtones, one of which sounds way worse than the other, some out of place bells, and barely there tapping percussion. None of meshes well, and it is incredibly grating to the ears. Then there's the performers. Nelly, you're a sing-rapper. Who told you actual rapping was a good idea? Because yeah, you're not very good at it. Seriously, this guy's flow is just non-existent. To be fair, though, at least Nelly has some energy, which is not something I can say about either Paul Wall or Ali & Gipp. All three of these guys have the non-existent flow that Nelly does, but in their cases, they're all mumbly, incomprehensible, and it's entirely obvious how phoned in their performances are. Then we come to the lyrics, and this may just be a nitpick of mine, but what is the point of having a Grill anyway? Not the kind that cooks food, I know what that one's purpose is (heck, I just said it), no, I mean the jewelry piece that goes in one's mouth over their teeth. I know the point of being a glitz and glam rapper is bragging about being able to afford as many pointless accessories for your clothes, car, and other flashy things as well, but just because you can get them doesn't necessarily mean that you should, and a jewelry piece that you have to open your mouth to flash and I imagine cannot be comfortable to wear is a prime example of what I'm talking about. There's also the girl on the chorus asking in the most irritating way to see it. Nothing more needs to be said about that, moving on. Oh, and of course, Nelly robbed the jewelry store and forced the people in there to make him the one he has. Isn't glorifying violence fun, kids? Yeah, this is the most pointless rap song of the entire decade, and if it didn't sound so abysmal, it wouldn't be up so high, but it does, and so it is.
4
Ah, if only this song were only one measly spot higher. Oh, the irony that would ensue.
4) Song: 3
Artist: Britney Spears
Year It Hit #1: 2009
Y'know, I never hated Britney Spears that much when she began. From Oops...I Did It Again, ...Baby One More Time, Lucky, Sometimes, Toxic, I'm A Slave 4 U, all great songs. And then 2007 happened, and it was all downhill from there, and I think we all know why. I wanted to put Womanizer on this list given that it was the first ever Britney Spears song that I heard that I just could not stand and still can't to this day, but then it occurred to me: could I justifiably put that song on the list if all that made me hate it were the awful synths and unbearably repetitive hook, and was it really bad enough to make the top 20? Eventually, the answer to both of those questions became no given that there were at least 20 songs I hated more and there were aspects of the song that I did like, admittedly, even if I hated the final product altogether. Unfortunately, that doesn't save Britney from the list entirely as her second post-breakdown #1 hit has exactly no features to it that I like or even remotely tolerate. Everything about 3 makes my skin crawl. Britney's overreliance on the inflections she uses in nearly every line as well as the vocal effects slathered all over her voice not only sounds like complete and utter ass, but it garbles half of what she says to the point of total incomprehensibility. She tries to sound all cutesy and innocent, but it just does not work at all, especially not when the song is apparently supposed to be this raunchy song about having an orgy (which it fails disastrously at, for the record) and clashes horribly with this production. Speaking of that production, yeah, to say it's really bad would be a massive understatement. Seriously, none of these synthtones are good in the slightest. They're all so loud, blaring, abrasive, tuneless, overproduced, they all sound like they're trying to cut the listener's eardrums apart bit by bit, and given how set it is against this percussion that's practically nonexistent, it makes it more aggressive and in your face, which is just not something that should happen. As for lyrics, it tries to be a song that turns people on, but it only winds up doing the opposite by confusing being sexy for being sexual. In trying to be both a club jam and a sex anthem, it failed disastrously at being both. Finally, I wanna address the Peter, Paul, & Mary line. Look, I know how offensive this must come off to people who might've listened to their music growing up or are just fans of them in general. That being said, I really don't think Britney had any ill will in mind when singing that line in the song. And the fact that this song became a hit not long after Mary died I would chalk up to nothing more than poor timing, really. Granted, the line still sucks given that it has nothing to do with the trio in question's music, and its only similarity with a three-way is that both have three people in them, which is incredibly lazy and had no thought put into it whatsoever. In conclusion, this song is a gigantic clusterfuck that has no need for existing.
3
Speaking of irony, the title of this next song.
3) Song: Music
Artist: Madonna
Year It Was #1: 2000
It pains me to have to put a Madonna song on the list, but even she has had her duds, and given that this is one of the songs she had chart, let alone reach the top, after she essentially became a washed up has-been, barring Bitch, I'm Madonna, this is by far the worst thing she's ever put out. Once again, to explain why this song doesn't work, I'm gonna throw it over to my main man B-Hop.
Once again, thank you, B-Hop. Have I mentioned that that guy is awesome? Because he is.
2
Alright, time to rip off the band aid.
Song: London Bridge
Artist: Fergie
Year It Was #1: 2006
Yeah, you know you all saw this coming. Hell, I bet you guys are all wondering what the fuck could possibly have beat this out. Regardless, it bares repeating that London Bridge is shiiiiiiiiit. I swear, I really do hate everything about this song. The clattery percussion, the obnoxious, tuneless horns that quite literally sound like the incarnation of being beaten to death by drunken, psychotic clowns, the irritating inflections that Fergie uses to sound as fucking obnoxious as possible, the background chants of "oh shit," the all over the place lyrics that bash paparazzi, brag about how awesome she is, talk about being in the club, none of which is done convincingly, it's all just one gigantic, irritating mess. I seriously wanted this song to be number one, but this is an honest list, and while this song is dreadful in every conceivable way, there's still one song left that gets me more pissed off than this one.
And finally, before we get to number one, the last of the dishonorable mentions:
DHM5) Song: Glamorous
Artist: Fergie feat. Ludacris
Year It Was #1: 2007
Oh, hello again, Fergie. I can't seem to escape you, can I? To be fair, the beat is actually pretty decent, Fergie's singing is actually pretty good, and Ludacris' verse is surprisingly well put together, but I'm sorry, but just no. Fergie, not a single thing listed in this song is glamorous, and the "if you ain't got no money, take yo broke ass home" parts are just obnoxious as fuck.
DHM6) Song: This Is Why I'm Hot
Artist: Mims
Year It Was #1: 2007
Flat, monotonous beat, limp rapping, repetitive hook with terrible vocal layering, and no, Mims, you guys are not hot, nor will you ever be. Moving on.
DHM7) Song: Touch My Body
Artist: Mariah Carey
Year It Was #1: 2008
Yikes, Mariah, this is a career low even for you.
DHM8) Song: Womanizer
Artist: Britney Spears
Year It Was #1: 2008
Hey, I never said it couldn't wind up in this section. A decent groove, tolerable vocals, and a lyrical idea that's actually pretty great all ruined by some truly egregious synthwork and an unbearably repetitive hook.
Alright, you guys ready?
1
Alright, I know I've said some pretty negative things throughout this list and displayed a lot of factors that piss me off (awful production, terrible lyricism, vocals that grate on my nerves, etc.), but if you really, and I mean really wanna get on my bad side, then the easiest way to do that is to actively make my skin crawl. I don't just mean the expression, either, no, you literally have to make it feel like bugs are crawling under my skin, leaving behind a very uncomfortable sensation that's difficult as fuck to get rid of. And the easiest way to do that is to creep me the hell out. Well, congrats, Akon, you did it, motherfucker. I hope you're proud of yourself.
1) Song: I Wanna Fuck You
Artist: Akon feat. Snoop Dogg
Year It Was #1: 2006
Do not be deceived, ladies and germs, this man and song are creepy as shit.
HuuuuuuuuuuuaaaaAAAAAAAGH!
Nope, nope, I can't quit now. I've come too far. I swear, I can do this, just give me a sec.
*takes deep breath* Okay, let's do this.
Look, I don't hate Akon. Like a few other artists on this list, he's actually someone who has a decent chunk of songs I'd actually be willing to defend. Don't get me wrong, though, between this, Smack That, and Sexy Bitch, I can definitely see why one would hate him. His singing is weak, he has little to no charisma or personality, and when he tries to act like a sex god that all the girls just clamor for, it just becomes straight up painful. This, quite obviously, is the worst example of that last thing. There is not a single second in this song that passes where I don't feel like I'm either ready to jump out of my skin or Akon or Snoop's penis is about to penetrate me without me giving proper consent. The twinkling, lifeless, music box instrumentation sounds incredibly juvenile, which does not help its case, the bass is essentially screaming "BEND OVER AND TAKE IT, YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!!!", the percussion has no pattern aside from the six awkward pats it does near the end of each measure, and the whole thing is the musical embodiment of having consumed a drink with a roofie in it, feeling the effects, and all you can think to yourself is "I don't know what's about to happen, all I know is that it ain't gonna be pleasant for me at all." The way Akon sings is not only vibrantly grating, but also pretty much reaffirms how much of a predator he sounds like, so it's not helping him there. Snoop's verse is incredibly gross. It's not his worst or even his most disgusting given the verse he did for Wiggle, but holy shit, is it up there. His flow is decent, I guess, but seriously, he is just not given anything good to work with. But worst of all has got to be the lyrics, no question about it. Essentially, this song is about seeing a stripper at a club, but instead of being a polite gentleman about it, he just walks up to her and says "hey, baby, let's fuck." I'm sure in these guys' heads, they're so cool, they could say anything and the panties would drop immediately, but in reality, if they tried doing something like that, I'd like to think that the woman would not only throw her drink in his face and smack him, but she would smash the glass over his head, thus making his head bleed from the shards, and proceed to continuously kick him in the ribs until he started spitting up blood. And then there's the line of how she "already knows" when told that Akon would like to give her a good dicking, and wow, TheDoubleAgent was not kidding when he said that line was both redundant and fucking creepy. It all just feels so rapey, so threatening, so not what it was going for and honestly should've never been thought of being made in the first place.
And we are finally done with the worst list. But our quest isn't over, my friends, for not very long from now, we shall look at the other side of this coin and explore my top 20 favorite number one songs of the 2000s. Until then, take care.
