Top 10 Worst Hit Songs Of 1992

     Well, the 2000s was fun, but whataya say we take it back a little further and go back one more decade, huh? Yes, folks, we're traveling back to that magical time of the 1990s, specifically the early '90s. For today's list, how about we focus our attention on 1992. Now, I could've picked any year from this decade to look at but I decided to go with '92 for a specific reason, and that is my sheer and utter fascination with what usually happens with years ending in 2. Here's what I've noticed: normally, when a new decade begins, so many remnants of the previous decade's music are left over that the first two years (the ones ending in 0 and 1) may as well be extensions of that previous decade in terms of the songs we get, and it isn't until the year in that decade that ends in 2 comes along that new decade-defining trends, sounds, and, to an extent, lyrical themes that make it clear that the previous decade is now officially over in terms of what to expect when listening to a song. The '90s are no different. While 1990 and 1991 felt like an extended version of the late '80s, 1992 was when the '90s really began as club and house music began to become more prevalent in the pop scene, hip hop and rap became a lot darker and grittier, and we were introduced to this glorious form of rock music called grunge. Of course, like any year, 1992 had its fair share of songs that were genuinely great while at the same time those that really did suck. So, let's not waste anymore time and get the ball rolling with the latter category.

10

     Let's start this list off by picking on an easy target.

10) Song: Take This Heart

      Artist: Richard Marx

      Year-End Position: 81

  

     Let's get this out of the way right off the bat: who actually likes Richard Marx? I guess he's not the wort thing ever, but there really is no reason for a lot of his music to exist. So many of his songs are just so bland, tepid, lifeless, and just have absolutely no reason to exist. I'll admit that I kinda like Should've Known Better, but that's about it. Of all the songs I've heard from him, this is no Right Here Waiting, but it's certainly not good at all (hence it being on this list, of course). For starters, Marx's voice is weak weak weak. This guy has some of the driest, pale, scratchiest vocals I've heard. They're not the worst I've heard, I guess, but I still have no idea who would actively choose to listen to him of all people, even in the Adult Contemporary genre. His instrumentation isn't usually very good either, though on this song, it's actually pretty decent and upbeat with its drums and guitar flourishes, even if it is still pretty colorless. Still, it's not enough to distract from Marx's vocals, especially not him straining himself on the chorus which just sounds painful to listen to, and it certainly isn't enough to distract from the content. The premise of this song can pretty much be described as if an entire song was made out of the "and when you're weak, I'll be strong, I'm gonna keep holding on" line from One Call Away. Marx has been where this girl is and has endured similar sorts of pain and heartbreak, and he doesn't want her to go through the same thing. Understandable, to be sure, but one, I don't buy Dick Marx as a guy who's this big and strong defender of his girl, I still think if anyone dared to touch him or his girl, he'd pee his pants and run away like the coward he sounds like, and two, he then adds that he's grown so strong from his pain that he's not gonna let anything stop him or "take his heart," as per the song title. So on top of not buying his so-called "strength" for a second, he also decided to add some needless arrogance into the song. Also, if she's been through the same pain he has before, then what reason would he have to worry about her, of all people, "taking his heart"? The tone is all over the place, directionless, and disjointed as all hell. Again, definitely not my least favorite thing in the entire world, but even still, it wouldn't be on this list if it didn't suck, now would it?

9

     Oh, I'm probably not gonna make a lot of fans for this one.

9) Song: I Love Your Smile

    Artist: Shanice

    Year-End Position: 11

     Don't know who this is? Don't really blame you. This is pretty much the only song anyone knows her for. But I'll fill you in: this is Shanice Lorraine Wilson, an R&B singer from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania mostly known for making bright, happy pop music. That's all you really need to know because really, there is nothing beyond that that you really need to know. This is the big hit she's known for, I Love Your Smile, and man, is it bad. It's really really bad. Look, I like my fair share of cutesy, bright teen pop, but this is just insufferable. This song is just so immature and juvenile in some of the worst ways possible. For starters, these lyrics just have nothing going for them. It's pretty much about how Shanice is willing to give up everything for this guy because he has a nice smile. Of all the things to fall head over heels in love with someone for, why their smile? That's probably one of the most innocuous reasons to give someone all your love and affection, and I'm pretty damn sure the world is full of people whose smiles look good. If the lyrics were about how he likes it when he smiles at the nice things she does for him or wanted to know what she could do for him to see that smile she likes, then the writing would have a bit more weight to it, but nope, she just goes all loopy with hearts in her eyes because she likes it when his lips curve upward at the ends. Fucking pathetic. Wilson was 18 when she had a hand in and sang this, but I can't see anyone above the age of 11 buying into this overly-saccharine Care Bear theme of a song. And thank god I don't have to justify placing this on the list purely from the childish lyrics alone because the singing and production suck too. The bass is okay, I guess, but the directionless piano keys, twinkling keys, and that goddamn whistle melody make this sound like a freakin' rejected theme to a shitty early-90s Nick Jr. program. It all just sounds so irritating, not to mention lacking in any sort of substantial groove or any real energy. It just lumbers on for four minutes and plucks at your last nerve every step of the way. I get light, sugary teen pop, but that definitely has its limits.

8

     Is it controversial to say I've never liked Color Me Badd? Cuz yeah, I never did, and this song has always annoyed the hell out of me.

8) Song: All 4 Love

    Artist: Color Me Badd

    Year-End Position: 9

     If there is one trend that needs to be revived and soon that was given to us in the early 1990s, it's new jack swing. Seriously, acts like Boyz II Men and Bell Biv Devoe provided us with some of the catchiest, most ear-wormy and funk-driven songs to grace our ears and paved the way for later genres such as g-funk and gangsta rap. Of course, though, for every Jodeci, Heavy D, and C+C Music Factory we got, we also got our fair share of amateurs trying their hand at it only to come out making some of the lamest and most unlistenable songs the genre has to offer. Such acts include Joey Lawrence, Soul For Real, and the group on the chopping block for this entry, Color Me Badd (with two d's because that totally doesn't look lame at all). These guys were just plain unbearable. They were basically a watered down version of Boyz II Men: all the flair, style, and looks but with none of the actual talent, good production, or singing abilities to back it up. These guys have three big songs people usually associate these guys with: I Wanna Sex You Up, which peaked at #2 and is gross as hell, and two number one hits, one being I Adore Mi Amor, which is just boring, and this one, which is annoying as hell. I may be able to see the appeal in the other two (even if I think I Wanna Sex You Up is the worst of the bunch), but this? Why this one? What is it about this song that people liked so much that they propelled it right to the top of the charts? Jesus mother of fishdicks, this is awful. First off, these vocals are shit. For one thing, that falsetto is fucking ear-bleeding, and don't even get me started on Bryan Abram's nasal sneer of a voice. Seriously, this guy sounds like if Scrappy Doo got a singing career, and it gets worse and worse with each subsequent listen. Lyrically, like with our previous entry, it's basic as all hell with nothing beyond the platitudes of love songs. He's so in love with this girl that he'll do anything for her and he'd do it "all 4 love." Don't just gag me with a spoon, ram the fucking thing down my goddamn throat until I choke to death. Then there's the worst part of it all: that fucking beat. The horns, the piano, the way too tight percussion, it's all so overstuffed and bereft of any room to breathe. Even worse is that the melodies sound like the musical incarnation of those annoying clowns who get all up in your face in desperate attempts to get you to laugh but are really just annoying and won't shut the fuck up. Thank god these guys faded out in the mid-90s cuz who knows what kind of atrocities they'd be shitting out if they were still around.

7

     Sorry, Hammer, I gotta touch this.

7) Song: 2 Legit 2 Quit

    Artist: MC Hammer

    Year-End Position: 46

     Oh, Hammer. What happened to you, man? Let's face it: we all jam out to U Can't Touch This to this day. You do, I do, everyone does. And it's a good thing that's the only MC Hammer song anyone remembers because mother of sweet Neptune on a stick, pretty much everything he made after that song was sheer crap. You had Have You Seen Her, a boring, pathetic excuse of a love song that takes a big piss all over the song by The Chi-Lites of the same name, his other 1992 hit Addams Groove which I actually kinda like in a "so bad it's good" type of way, the less said about Pumps & A Bump, the better, and this song right here, 2 Legit 2 Quit. Where to even begin. For starters, Hammer has never been that good of a rapper. Basic would be an overstatement when describing his bars. He always sounds like he's narrating some sort of children's poem. This especially backfires on him here because he's trying to act all tough and cool and I don't buy it for a second. I'm a skinny twenty-one year old music nerd who lives with his parents and I'm cooler than Hammer. There's also that woman singing these elongated "hey's" and a group of people chanting "2 LEGIT! 2 LEGIT 2 QUIT!" in the background. I don't know who they are, and I don't care. All I know is that they're fucking annoying. Then there's the beat, which is just absolutely horrendous. It's just this loud, overbearing barrage of that sound effect that's used when a rap song wants to open up with a punch, but here, it's used throughout the entire song. Do I even need to tell you that that's a bad move? There's no coherent groove or melody to it. It just feels like I'm getting socked in the face repeatedly. Not really much to say here. This one really only made it this high because of how much is sounds like ass, but believe me, it deserves to be here. Moving on.

6

     Oh, boy, I get to deal with not one, but two of the most infamous artists in the soft rock genre, possibly in all of music. This'll be fun.

6) Song: Missing You Now

    Artist: Michael Bolton feat. Kenny G

    Year-End Position: 77

 

     Let's make one thing clear: I don't like Michael Bolton. I don't know anyone who likes Michael Bolton. So why in the nine hells was he a thing in the early 90s? Seriously, of all people to give a singing career to, we give one to someone whose voice is whelping and belting out random notes without any sense of control or even any attempt to hold a note? Why? He just plain sucked, and Missing You Now is proof positive of that. For one thing, this instrumentation blows. Muted keys, a weak-ass drum machine, some hazy synths, barely there bass, it's all just about as bland as can possibly be, and none of it is helped by Kenny G just tooting away on his saxophone, making this feel even more like some sort of cruiseline background music than it already did. Seriously, how this uninteresting shit got played on the radio back then is headscratching based off of pure sound alone. Then there's the lyrical content, and it's about as generic as can be. Apparently, Bolton is somehow separated from his girl, phone calls being pretty much the only way he can communicate with her, and he can't wait to see her because until then, he's "missing her now" and hurting so bad and why should I care, again? We are given no detail as to what's keeping him from her or what their relationship is like or why she can't just come visit him wherever he is, and on top of that, whatever this song was going for, it failed miserably. It doesn't match either a sad or a happy tone, it's stuck awkwardly in the middle in the blandest way possible, giving me as little reason to give a flying fuck as possible. But really, it is Bolton's voice that is why this song is on the list as high as it is. If it had been anyone else singing this, this would've been a dishonorable mention at most, but MB's singing voice is just that retched. Ugh. Next.

5

     I know I stated that I liked this song in a previous post of mine, but after going back and relistening to it, yeah, uh......can I have a mulligan, please?

5) Song: Beauty & The Beast

    Artist: Celine Dion & Peabo Bryson

    Year-End Position: 64

      I know I may have said in the past that I normally prefer the pop song versions of Disney songs, and while that's still true for some such as A Whole New World, Colors Of The Wind and Can You Feel The Love Tonight (especially that last one cuz let's be real, the version used in the movie is terrible), others such as Demi Lovato's cover of Let It Go has definitely worn off on me, and this one right here, Celine Dion and Peabo Bryson's cover of the eponymous track from the classic film Beauty & The Beast fared even worse. Oh, it's nowhere near as Michael Bolton's cover of Go The Distance, but yeesh does it still blow. For starters, these vocal performances are simultaneously trying way too hard and yet not hard enough at the same time. Both Dion and Bryson are way overdoing it with their vocals, more focused on how much power they can throw into their voices than actually trying to convey any sort of emotion or romance or actual chemistry, and yet at the same time, there's this feeling that they really are doing what they're doing for the paycheck and nothing else. Angela Lansbury these two are not. A certain colleague of mine I've mentioned before on this blog said he thought Celine blew Pebble here out of the water, but I think even that's a stretch. That's like saying that a ceiling fan can blow more than a slight breeze of wind. The difference is barely existent. But honestly, I could forgive the mediocre vocals is the instrumentation came even remotely close to emulating how suave, sweeping, and elegant the original was......nope. It tries to needlessly modernize it for the AC crowd and why? Why why why why why why why? Case of ain't broke don't fix, people. The strings, flute, piano, and light bass of the original was flawless. This version just sucks everything organic out and leaves us with whatever shitty remains are left. From the snooze-inducing keys absolutely soaked in reverb, this barely existent percussion that moves at the tempo of a sloth, a bassline that tries and fails to add some sort of texture to the song, the strings and flute being way too low in the mix, and the key change, oh my god, I swear, that has to be one of the worst key changes I've ever heard, which really shows how bad things can go when you try to fix what isn't broken given that the original has one of my favorite key changes ever. Once that key changes, everything just becomes needlessly loud for no reason whatsoever before making a jarring transition in a desperate last (and failed) attempt to tug at the heartstrings. Thank god Ariana Grande & John Legend pretty much got everything right that this one got oh so wrong by 1) having actual chemistry and putting in way better vocal performances and 2) remembering to have the organic swell that the original initially had, thus making this pale facsimile of a bonafide classic even more worthless than it already was.

4

Bryan Adams.

4) Song: Do I Have To Say The Words?

    Artist: Bryan Adams

    Year-End Position: 70

 

     To reiterate the obvious joke: Canada, your apology wasn't enough. I think we all know what happened with Bryan Adams. He started off decently with some pretty good songs like Run To You, Heat Of The Night, Cuts Like A Knife, Somebody, and the one pretty much everyone seems to like (and for good reason), Summer Of '69. Then 1991 came around, and he inflicted Everything I Do (I Do It For You) onto us. This is most often the song that's considered his worst as well as the one that caused his downward spiral. Now, the latter statement I can definitely agree with, but the former, not so much. Oh, it sucked, no question about that, but at least it was somewhat trying. It's attempts to create a mood as well as a song that's actually good were very half-assed, to be sure, but I'll take a half-ass attempt at something vs. making no effort to do something whatsoever (also, he gave us Can't Stop This Thing We Started that same year, one of his best songs, so I can kinda forgive him for that). And no effort is what Adams would go on to give us from that point on, this song being Exhibit fucking A. My god, what a chore it is to get through this pile of nothing. First off, not only does this song sound awful, but it also sounds unfinished. All there is is this bass that sounds like a gurgling stomach, dreary synths that have very little actual tune to them, plodding, barely there drums, and a guitar that I would complain was underutilized if what little of it that was used didn't sound like complete monkey testicles. Then there's Adams himself. Of course his raspy, sandpaper-like voice is unpleasant as all living spunk to listen to, but my main issue here is just how checked out he sounds. Like, say what you want about his performance on Everything I Do, at least he tried to sound lovestruck on that song. He failed miserably, but he at least tried. Here, he sounds like he's ready to doze off, and really, given the rest of the song, I don't blame him. Lastly, there's the content, and oh boy, have we got a doozy here. It's your bog-standard love song, but with a chorus that's pretty much Adams crying out to this girl desperately for her attention and saying "Do I have to spell it out for you? *I'm* the one you should be with. I know how to satisfy you in all the right ways." On top of not buying what he's saying for a split second, anyone else find this just pathetic? Seriously, this comes off less as a stern declaration of one's love and more limp, petulant whining than anything. It's weak, boring, ugly, pitiful, and not worth any more of my time or yours.

3

     I bet next to none of you have ever even heard of this song or this group. And that is a good thing because holy shit they sucked, and this song is easily the worst of the few hits they somehow managed to get.

3) Song: She's Playing Hard To Get

    Artist: Hi-Five

    Year-End Position: 50

    You know how I mentioned earlier that Color Me Badd weren't the worst act to come out of the new jack swing genre? Well......okay, Another Bad Creation would take that title, honestly, but here are the runner-ups, Hi-Five. They're an R&B group from Waco, Texas, and holy shit do they suuuuuuuuuuck. I've only heard their three big hits, the two from 1991 and the one that we'll be discussing shortly, but I think that might be all I need because if the rest of their material is anything like this, I'm avoiding them like the goddamn plague because sweet baby shit, these guys are just the worst. I Can't Wait Another Minute was boring as tar, and I Like The Way (The Kissing Game) was cheap and immature garbage that I have no idea how the hell it went to number one. But at least with those two, I can somewhat see the appeal. She's Playing Hard To Get, on the other hand, is dead on fucking arrival. Setting aside the weak, dated, and generic beat and the fact that nobody in this group can sing, just on principle, this song pisses me off. Look at that song title. You get exactly what you think you're going to get. A girl is rejecting the narrator's advances, but he keeps making various excuses to keep pestering her and continuously ask her out because deep down, she secretly loves him. She's just being a big tease is all. Uuuuuummmmm...............

NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! Do I even need to explain what the hell is wrong with that? You cannot, I repeat, cannot pull that shit. If she said no, she said no. She doesn't want you. Continuing to badger her and ignore the signs that she doesn't fucking want you makes you look like a creep. Even if this song sounded like the best thing ever in the world, those lyrics would still place it on this list. Just, screw everything about it, NEXT!

2

     I hope like hell we can all agree giving Bobby Brown a solo career was a mistake. Seriously, this guy produced only one good hit, which I'm convinced was by sheer accident, and the rest of his stuff has sucked shit, and I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that this is easily the worst of the bunch.

2) Song: Humpin' Around

    Artist: Bobby Brown

    Year-End Position: 33

     Oh, Bobby Brown. What'd we ever see in you? Sure, My Prerogative was pretty good, but everything else this guy's put out has been just all kinds unremarkable and mediocre from his unimpressive vocals, production that does very little to stand out or stick in the brain, and lyrics that range from bog-standard to cringeworthy, yeah, he was more than likely better off sticking with New Edition. Nothing, however, can truly compare to the monumental amounts of suck given to us from his hit from this year, Humpin' Around. Everything about this is a trainwreck. The production is way too loud and overproduced with melodies that quite literally feel like they're taunting the listener, obnoxious synth and fake horn loops that sound like ass, stiff percussion, and even what sound like some weird alien and ghost noises thrown in there, it's all just this one big overproduced mess, and Brown's lame-ass voice certainly isn't helping matters. That alone would be enough to place it this high, it sounds that atrocious, but then we get to the content, and it gets so much worse. Essentially, Brown's girlfriend is accusing him of cheating, and instead of either coming clean and owning up to having cheated or calmly explain himself and why he's innocent, he decides to act like a dick and play the "why don't you trust me enough" card. He acts as though her mere accusations are her prying too much into his personal life and as though her trust for him is at absolute zero and just tells her to fuck off. No, Brown. You can't do that. Her simply coming to you about you possibly cheating, more than likely with some pretty solid evidence of such, does not mean that she doesn't have enough trust for you. It means that she cares about you, and her heart would be broken if she found out you were messing around with another woman. Oh, and all the while he's acting as though she's being totally unreasonable, he, of course, denies the cheating allegations. You know, Bobby, trying to pull the shit you are in this song makes you look pretty fucking guilty. It's an unlistenable, pissy pile of shit that shows that letting Bobby Brown go solo was a very big mistake. Still, there's one song worse than it.

And before we get to number one, here are some quick dishonorable mentions.

DHM1) Song: This Used To Be My Playground

              Artist: Madonna

              Year-End Position: 21

I would make the typical "ew" joke those in my fellow music critic circle have been making when placing Madonna on a worst list or in the dishonorable mentions, but this song is way more boring than gross and as such is far less "ew" and way more "snooze."

DHM2) Song: Hazard

              Artist: Richard Marx 

              Year-End Position: 56

If this list were ranked by how aggressively mild in its shittiness it was, then this would probably top the entire list. However, since I couldn't be arsed to care about it one way or the other, dishonorable mention for you it is.

DHM3) Song: Just Another Day

              Artist: Jon Secada

              Year-End Position: 10

Weak production, vocals that are checked out and passionless, vague, generic "I wish we could stop fighting because I don't want us to break up" lyricism that gives us no detail or reason to care about their failing relationship at all, just the sheer definition of a pop song manufactured by the music industry, and it's not even a good one.

DHM4) Song: Wishing On A Star

              Artist: The Cover Girls

              Year-End Position: 49

 We gave the We Can't Go Wrong girls a second hit...............why??????????????




DHM5) Song: Have You Ever Needed Someone So Bad
              Artist: Def Leppard
              Year-End Position:  80

No, I have not, and I don't need this sludge either.



 




DHM6) Song: Just Take My Heart
              Artist: Mr. Big
              Year-End Position: 95

 

Gonna be honest, I think To Be With You gets too much shit. Yeah, it's cheesy and came at a time when hair metal was pretty much dead, but it was sweet and charming in an endearing way. Just Take My Heart, on the other hand......yeah, this is just lousy. Weak ass pop rock with generic lyrics and mediocre vocals. Also not helping is that the melody is jacked from What Kind Of Man Would I Be by Chicago and......yeah, we didn't even want one of that song, so we definitely don't need two.

DHM7) Song: Thinkin' Back

              Artist: Color Me Badd

              Year-End Position: 89

 

Have I mentioned that Color Me Badd suck?

DHM8) Song: Slow Motion

              Artist:  Color Me Badd

              Year-End Position: 87

Cuz yeah, they do. Like, so very much.

Alright, time to wrap things up.

1

     Now here's something I don't think I've talked about on this blog before: cover songs. Now, when it comes to cover songs, you either have to be able to put your own original spin on the song you're covering or be able to capture what made the original so good and incorporate those elements into your version (without coming off too much like a total copycat, of course). Often times, when a bad cover version of a song is encountered, whether the artist was going for the former or the latter, one glaring flaw is usually present: the person performing the cover missed the point entirely of what the original song was meant to do. Some artists have made their careers off of covers, and a few of them such as, say, UB40, have completely sucked at it. This artist in particular is one of them, and while he's had a few original songs (one of which appeared on this list), it was his covers people mostly know him for his covers, which is a shame considering pretty much all of them suck, and save for his butchering of Go The Distance from Hercules, this is easily the worst of them and may quite possibly be the worst cover of an R&B song this side of Pat Boone. And it could have only come from......

1) Song: When A Man Loves A Woman

    Artist: Michael Bolton

    Year-End Position: 54

      Michael. Mother. Fucking. Bolton. It just fucking had to be him, didn't it? Yeah, one thing I didn't mention in the Missing You Now entry is that a lot of Bolton's career has been built on taking a massive dump on various popular classics. He did it with (Sittin' On) The Dock Of The Bay by Otis Redding, To Love Somebody by The Bee Gees, Georgia On My Mind by Hoagy Charmichael (later made more famous by Ray Charles. Oh, and he got Kenny G for this one, too), and probably worst yet, When A Man Loves A Woman by Percy Sledge. Now, make no mistake, the original is timeless. It's soulful, and the romantic mood it sets is impeccable mostly due to those magnificent horns and Sledge's full-throated and amazing vocals. So what do we get for this version? Everything good about the original removed, of course, and replaced with stereotypical AC rock instrumentation with these sparse guitars, bass and drums that create a gigantic ball of nothing and the godawful voices that come from Michael Bolton's godforsaken noisehole. There may be songs on this list that are worse than this one on a technical level, but this is the one that tops the entire thing because of how much more this one pisses me off than the rest of them and how severely missed its mark is. When I hear a song about how a man will do anything for a woman he truly is in love with, I want that feeling of love to be there, I want passion, I wanna hear the warm feelings of tenderness, intimacy, attachment, endearment, devotion, adoration, I wanna be swallowed whole in the amour. What I don't want to hear is something so empty and lifeless with so little use that it might as well be thrown in the garbage bin. A song about being in love should be handled so that it comes out where you wanna throw rose petals at the wedding, not where you are just left with a feeling of "eh, whatever." Fuck you, Bolton. Fuck you and whoever thought this cover would be a good idea.

And that was this list. Agree? Disagree? Feel free to let me know. Best list coming soon, but until then, take care.