Hey guys, so can we chat for a hot minute real quick? So, I've been doing this for quite some time, and I have to be completely honest with y'all, my heart just isn't in this anymore. Don't get me wrong, I still adore music, and absolutely always will. Hell, this doesn't even mean that my affinity for those that review music has waned all that much either. That being said, though, for me personally, as you'll have noticed by now, the only real times these days that I come back to this blog are to give my thoughts on the best and worst of what the current year had to offer. However, that has varied and changed so often, and many of those times are not documented on here at all. Hell, Heat Waves (which, fun fact, is the very first song to top a Year-End chart after having placed on the one from the previous year) has grown on me immensely to the point where I very much regret putting it on my worst list last year, and had it not been on last year's YE, it absolutely would've been eligible for my best list this year. All of that is coupled with just how hectic my own personal life has been between going to work, dealing with family matters, and handling my own mental health struggles. As such, this is the last set of lists you'll be receiving from me this year, and fair warning, this will easily be the most simplified and quickest worst list I've ever done. On the flip side, though, I don't wanna end things completely negatively as my best list will still be as well thought out and detailed as I have always striven for it to be because I want to be absolutely sure that things end on as positive a note as possible. Anyone who has stuck with me through all of this, you guys truly are the best, and that is something you absolutely do deserve. But, before we get to the good stuff, as always, we gotta wade through the shit, so let's begin.
Well, this one soured on me in record time. I can understand making a cathartic "fuck you" anthem to some asshole who did you wrong, but there is a right way to do it, and this song does it oh so very wrong. For starters, the instrumentation is this rumbling guitar that has an admittedly pretty solid rollick in the verses, but then the hook hits, and everything just becomes this fuzzy clash of noise. Gayle herself is going for this snarl in her delivery, but the most her vocals can only convey an annoyed mumble at best, and her amateurish vocals are not doing her any favors. Top it all off with lyrics that childishly say "wah, you ended things, so now I'm gonna act like everything you do and anyone and anything (except for your dog for some reason) associated with you are pieces of shit as well," and no wonder this grated on so many people's nerves so quickly, my own included. NEXT!
9) Song: Wasted On You Artist: Morgan Wallen Year-End Position: 19
But hey, at least gayle never said the n-word. Look, there's already been more than enough discourse surrounding that whole situation, and I would rather not open that can of worms back up, but I will say that a lot of this guy's music tilting into outright crap certainly isn't helping matters. Much like the previous song, the guitars do actually sound pretty good and add some nice texture to the mix...which is then completely undercut by all the trap percussion and obnoxious amounts of bass that sound utterly terrible. None of it has any of the weight or heft needed to support Wallen's howling vocals. But then there's the content where Morgan bitches and moans that he's "learning the hard way again." Uh, dude, if you keep finding yourself in these sort of shitty relationships, maybe it's time to look inward at what you're doing wrong and actually make effort to change that, otherwise you're not learning, much less "the hard way." But no, he'd rather blame all of his problems on her in the most toxic, gaslighting way by essentially saying he regrets all the time, money, memories, etc. that he "wasted" on her. Fuck you, dude. Screw this.
8) Song: She Likes It Artist: Russell Dickerson feat. Jake Scott Year-End Position: 91
"She likes it when I OOOOOOOOH MMM MMM" Worst two seconds in pop music this year, hands down, and the choppy electric guitar, tense bass, and limp vocals aren't doing any favors either.
7) Song: I Ain't Worried Artist: OneRepublic Year-End Position: 37
OneRepublic......why????? You were a band who, while not always making great music necessarily, at least made some decent tunes with serviceable instrumentation and at least an okay level of lyricism, and at your absolute best churned out gold like Stop & Stare, Counting Stars, and Kids. It is for that very reason that it disappoints me to no end that, in a desperate attempt to stay relevant, you play to absolutely none of your strengths with this garbage sellout single with flimsy production that has an irritating whistle shoehorned in, some horrible multitracking on Ryan Tedder's vocals, and content that aims to be triumphant and about living life to the fullest but ultimately just end up repeating empty platitudes and non sequiturs. Oh, and apparently this was the big hit from that new Top Gun movie or whatever. Did you care? No? Me either. What a waste.
But on the topic of bands wasting their potential, that's exactly what Imagine Dragons have been doing for years now, and Enemy is absolutely among the worst of their charting songs. Between the glitchy instrumentation that has no punch, groove, or any sort of texture that ends up a warping, malformed monstrosity, Dan Reynolds at his screechiest, and JID doing a cheap Kendrick Lamar imitation for his throwaway verse, no wonder everybody wants to be your enemy, man. Content wise, this is supposed to have some sort of connection to the Netflix series, Arcane, but all that's really here is some vague banalities about how the world is out to get the narrator in this song for......some reason. Completely pointless. I never had any interest in watching Arcane or playing League Of Legends, but even if I did, this song would single-handedly decimate it.
5) Song: You Proof Artist: Morgan Wallen Year-End Position: 27
Take basically everything I said about Wasted On You and multiply it a thousand fold here. The trap drums are even more overpowering, the guitar line is considerably weaker, and Wallen's vocals here have the effects piled on so heavily, you'd swear it wasn't actually him singing but rather an AI created to try and replicate his rasp. Lyrically, it's about how this woman was so bad to him during the relationship, that he now needs an alcohol so strong that its proof is just enough for him to drink her off his mind. Uh, Morgan, hasn't the booze gotten you into enough trouble already? Just an absolute slog of a horrendous mess. But speaking of horrendous messes......
4) Song: Unholy Artist: Sam Smith & Kim Petras Year-End Position: 98
Oh god, this one hurts. Sam Smith has made a bunch of music that I would say ranges from okay to absolutely fantastic, and for as controversial as a figure as Kim Petras is outside of her songs, within that particular realm, she has actually made a lot of songs that are quite enjoyable (even if they are produced by he who shan't be named). So I had hopes that this would turn out good, and oh my god, it did not. At all. For starters, neither artist's performance has any of the charisma needed to sell this story of a guy who puts on a veneer of a clean cut, faithful married man who secretly is having an affair behind closed doors. They're both incredibly flat, and for Sam themself to be nothing more than an outside narrator to Kim Petras playing the role of the mistress in question really undercuts any of the weight this song desperately needed to be able to hold its own. Put all of this on top of a clanking, bass heavy slog of a beat filled with tuneless synths and an atmosphere that's way too tense and uncomfortable even for this type of song, and you have a piece of music where the only saving grace is that it's mercifully short. Painful.
3) Song: Super Gremlin Artist: Kodak Black Year-End Position: 9
Enough time has been wasted on this sentient piece of human shit that I'm not even gonna bother, so all I will say is that this nasally dirge where Kodak Black bitches and moans about a former friend turning him in for all the crimes he's committed over a generic trap beat with a sparse piano melody isn't worth my time or yours. NEXT!
2) Song: Broadway Girls Artist: Lil Durk feat. Morgan Wallen Year-End Position: 81
The incredibly basic guitar melody and suffocating trap production alone would make this a candidate for this list, but what landed it so high was the fact that this is despicable on principle alone. Yes, this collab was Lil Durk's idea and was in the works well before the...... "incident" took place, but it still doesn't make the idea of Morgan Wallen teaming up with a rapper who's been getting big in recent times to try and make his image seem cleaner than it actually is any less disgusting to think about, and the final product turning out to be complete junk doesn't help either. And believe it or not, I wouldn't even say Wallen is the worst part, either, although his overly processed caterwauling and grating delivery being a career worst for him certainly doesn't help. No, that'd be the content, something both he and Durk fair incredibly poorly in regards to. This is pretty much a genderflipped version of Taylor Swift's I Knew You Were Trouble except with any of the self awareness that made that song's narrative at least somewhat work removed, and filling in the gaps, we have a bunch of pissy machismo and bitching that neither artist can credibly back up. All of the assumptions that these girls were "no good" and that they "should've known better than to mess with," yet that's just it, they're ASSUMPTIONS, and even if they weren't, these guys still made the conscious decision to hook up with them that night, and with neither guy willing to take accountability for their actions, all while begging for our sympathy, yeah, no that's not happening. So yeah, every single element of this song pissed me off, and for the longest time, it was a lock for my #1, but still, there was one song that beat it out, and before we get there, let's rattle off some dishonorable mentions.
Song: Pushin P Artist: Gunna & Future feat. Young Thug Year-End Position: 48
The twinkly synths are kinda cool. Everything else is boring as hell. Also, "Pesbian"? Really Future?
Song: Trouble With A Heartbreak Artist: Jason Aldean Year-End Position: 88
Can Jason Aldean just, like, go away? Please?????
Song: Después De La Playa Artist: Bad Bunny Year-End Position: 78
Oh, I'm probably gonna get some pushback for this one, but I'm sorry, while I didn't mind a lot of the songs from Un Verano Sin Ti that made the year-end chart, this one soured on me in record time. Mostly due to how unpleasant those synths that open up the track are as well as the even worse salsa portion that takes over the second half. It just sounds so damn sloppy, and the swing of it just never felt right to me. Oh well.
Song: Big Energy Artist: Latto Year-End Position: 7
Just listen to Fantasy by Mariah Carey instead (btw, fun fact, that was the #1 song the week of my birth).
The singing is amateurish, the instrumentation is a snoozefest, and the premise is childish as hell with none of the stakes to credibly sell it, but it was more in one ear and out the other, so I can't really get too mad at it.
The production actually isn't that bad, but the nasally performance and prolonged moan of the hook meant to represent this dude's orgasm absolutely destroy it for me. Just gross.
Song: Take My Name Artist: Parmalee Year-End Position: 82
Yet another plastic, badly produced and kinda clingy boyfriend country song whose only purpose is to take up air time, but at the very least, this one isn't nearly as morally reprehensible as Just The Way, so at least it gets some leeway in that department.
Song: One Right Now Artist: Post Malone & The Weeknd Year-End Position: 30
The production on this one actually has a pretty nice groove to it, but those lyrics are choc full of swaggering machismo and misogyny that is the biggest, most whiny "I don't care about you so I'm gonna write an entire song about it" thing this side of Shake It Off by Taylor Swift (yep, she's getting mentioned twice on this list, and both times with songs that others don't like but I actually think are pretty good. Sidenote: while it won't be making my best list, All Too Well is really good as well.)
Alright, with all the crap we've sifted through what could possibly be number one? Well......
1) Song: AA Artist: Walker Hayes Year-End Position: 61
Alright, I haven't really been all that nice to any of the songs on this list, but if there was one that was the absolute least deserving of my kindness, it would be this absolute pile of shit. Let me make this abundantly clear: I fucking HATE this song, and unlike many other critics I have seen discuss this one, I believe this is worse than Fancy Like by a considerable margin. For one thing, as even those who do think Fancy Like is worse will agree, AA has way more atrocious production. The suffocating bass, the looping, tinny guitar pickup that just rips through the track like a buzzsaw, and everything just sounding so fake and inorganic just adds up to nothing short of a complete and utter disaster. This is a cacophony of noise that is just flat out unlistenable. Walker himself didn't quite have that much charisma or personality on Fancy Like, but at least it's easy to tell what he was going for, that being the slick, easy going guy who is just so impressed with himself that he can please his SO without having to be so extravagant all the time. It felt corporate and lame, especially with all the unnecessary brand name drops, but at least it felt somewhat tenable. Here, he sounds so dead against how jaunty everything around him is that it just clashes horrendously. Where's the passion, the emotion, anything to signify that you're anything other than a soulless husk of a "country" artist who makes music for anything more than a paycheck? But no, what really sunk this song was the attitude of this song, and no, it's not just thee questionable line of how he's trying to "keep [his] daughters off the pole." See, the entire song is about how life is so stressful, and he's doing everything he can to avoid drinking himself to the point where he needs to go to rehab. Not a bad premise, and I can see how that could work against some more upbeat production to give it some sort of contrast and levity (provided it doesn't sound like shit, of course, which this absolutely does). Here's the thing, though: you can tell that throughout the song, Walker isn't doing this out of any genuine concern for his family or friends or even for himself, really. No, he's really just doing it so people would just get off his damn back already. If it were entirely up to him, he'd continue his destructive and, quite honestly, lazy lifestyle, but nooooo, everyone's gonna continue nagging him if he does that, so he may as well try and fix things, I guess. And really, it was that self-serving, breezy dismissiveness that sunk this song all the way to the bottom for me. I mean, why else would he be trying to keep his wife from figuring out how far down she married? It's this veneer of trying to improve that really pisses me off about the whole thing, which Hayes himself even undercuts that with the line "sometimes you just need a beer, can I get an amen?" So he's not even willing to commit to the fraudulent show he's putting on cuz, uh, Walker, I thought you were trying to stay OUT of AA. Yeah, no, this wore out my patience in record time. Worst hit song of the year by a mile. Final list coming soon, but until then, take care everyone.
2021 was......a year. The music......it existed. There were good songs, there were bad songs, and you know what we're starting with, so let's just get into it.
10
And we start off with a song that reminds me of what my number one worst of last year should've been.
10) Song: Time Today Artist: Moneybagg Yo Year-End Position: 76
Moneybagg Yo is an artist that started out with promise and even looked as though he would become a well beloved talent if he achieved massive chart success. And then the bullshit with Tory Lanez shooting Megan Thee Stallion in the foot happened, and Moneybagg Yo not only flushed his credibility down the toilet by siding with Lanez in the whole debacle, he also preceded to release a string of crap that showed that any glimpses of talent he had were thoroughly gone, at least for the most part. In hindsight, as godawful as Hard To Forget was and really still is, I really should've listed Said Sum as the worst hit of 2020, not just for how dismissive and condescending the lyrical content and MBY's delivery was on that song, but also for the fact that that zippy violin and inconsistent groove in the bass combined to raise my anxiety to an uncomfortable degree. Well, in the several months that followed, he had several charting songs that were pretty hit or miss in terms of quality, and two of them made this year's year-end chart, and while his other hit on the list, Wockesha, was fine enough (even if it is biting hard off that obvious sample), Time Today wore out its welcome in record time. Essentially a slightly less annoying version of Said Sum, this song is just flat out junk, from the creepy synths that sound like someone scratching a knife blade on a glass back and forth multiple times, the cheap trap skitters, and the complete vacuum of charisma that is Moneybagg Yo himself. His delivery has always toed the line between being confident and self-assured and just outright dickish and like he's talking down to his audience. This is especially true when compounded with the lyrics about how no one can understand his grind and how hard he had to work to achieve his success, which, if this is what all that "hard work" has come to, it was apparently all for naught. Throw in some generic flexing and a girl that apparently gave him fellatio whilst he still had his underwear on, and you've got a disposable nothing of a song that is best forgotten about. Let's move on.
I'll be real with y'all, I was just planning on leaving this one off entirely, maybe giving it a dishonorable mention at worst. At this point, we all know the glaring issues with what has essentially become nothing more than Adam Levine's shitty vanity project, so going over all of that for the umpteenth time would be nothing short of just redundant. After all, this really is nothing but air taking up radio waves, so wasting any time would be completely meaningless. Hell, at one point in the year, I even liked the song for the guitar line. Needless to say, that has obviously faded into oblivion, and after having to hear this turd one too many times, something just absolutely chipped because, for the, what, twentieth(?) time now, this "group" keeps on finding ways to waste mine and everyone else's time all the while taking up space on the radio, streaming services, and places in peoples' cerebral cortexes even when the final product winds up being absolute garbage. The washed out guitar line over the forgettable trap beat is incredibly underwhelming, Levine sounds checked out as usual, and the jerky melody that has blackbear's stench all over it, it's so much of a huge nothing burger, and yet it rubs just enough of the wrong nerves to absolutely piss me off. Megan sounds fine because, well, she's Megan, but even she's not at her best here as she sounds like she'd rather be literally anywhere else, although it's not like I blame her given that that is the bog-standard reaction and response to finding out that you're gonna be the featured artist to a song by Adam Levine & Co. But what really landed this song here is the content. In this song, Adam Levine is having the most pathetic fantasies that he is hate fucking his ex. This would be an interesting concept if executed properly, but there's two major problems. One, Adam's lifeless as usual performance squashes any chance for this to be sold properly, and two, "beautiful mistakes"? In what way is that flattering? I mean, I've heard of "happy accidents," but there are limits to how far a metaphor should be taken, and this goes beyond those limits easily. Even when Megan states on her verse that she had to fucking block him on social media in the song, Levine still prattles on about his hate sex fantasies like the disinterested, pathetic loser he is. Yeah, to the surprise of no one, Maroon 5 tested my patience yet again. It's just a shame they had to drag someone talented down along with them......again.
8
By contrast, here's a song that was always gonna be destined for this list......
8) Song: Fancy Like Artist: Walker Hayes Year-End Position: 27
And cue the amount of eyebrows raising from how low on the list this song is. Oh, this is bad, but in all honesty, even with all of the corporate cynicism that this song wreaks of, after a while, I just got wore down with it. Ultimately, that is an earworm of a hook, and I can see how one would be able to enjoy it at least in a guilty pleasure sort of way. Make no mistake, though, this is not a good song in any way, shape or form. The ugly, formless guitar line set against percussion that has no sense of groove whatsoever, the uncomfortable amount of empty space in the mix that just leaves the final product feeling unfinished, Hayes' smug ass delivery that postures as suave and effortlessly cool but in reality just ends up being smarmy and obnoxious, it's just insufferable from start to finish. And of course, you have the sheer overabundance of stupidity within the lyrics from Walker saying his girl has a "double wide" (gross), talking about how his girl likes to "dip [him] like them fries in her frosty" (even more gross), and finally, the big elephant in the room surrounding this song, the fact that the hook is nothing but a glorified advertisement for fucking Applebee's of all goddamn places. And don't get me wrong, I like the food there every now and again, but the smug tone when he leads into the hook by sarcastically referring to it as an "upgrade" (god, what dumps are you and your wife visiting, Walker?) is just way too unsettling for a song like this. What gets me the most about this song, though, is something that I haven't seen anyone other than Todd point out, and that is the fact that the song is supposed to be all about how Hayes and his wife don't need a bunch of expensive amenities to make them happy, and yet in the process of talking about she doesn't need a Tesla, Walker Hayes says that his girl is "happy rollin' on a Vespa," and from what I understand, while nowhere near as costly as a Tesla would be, Vespas typically end up costing a pretty penny themselves, so way to undercut the entire message of your song, dumbass. Look, as a meme, if I squint, I guess I can see it as okay(?), but as a song on its own, no, I can't give it a pass. Do better, Hayes.
7
Alright, Aldean, this shit is getting old.
7) Song: If I Didn't Love You
Artist: Jason Aldean & Carrie Underwood
Year-End Position: 85
Jason Aldean has been a thorn in my side for a long ass time. I already expressed my issues with him in last year's list, and, to the surprise of absolutely nobody, none of them have had any effort in being resolved whatsoever. All of the issues I expressed with Aldean are still very much present from when I talked about Got What I Got last year, which, in hindsight, should've been way higher than it was, and while If I Didn't Love You isn't quite as bad as that song was, it's still a complete waste of space. Production wise, it's a spare piano line, unnecessary whooshing sound effects that don't fit with anything, an incredibly poor blending of trap and live drums, and an overblown guitar line for the hook that hits like an absolute brick. It's just so synthetic and not at all pleasant to listen to. Lyrically, it's about how if both parties didn't love each other post break-up the way they did, they could just move on with their lives as normal and not have to worry about one another and blah-de-blah-de-blah. Look, I get that breaking up with someone leaves a fuckton of lingering emotions and tangled feelings that, needless to say, aren't always the easiest thing to parse out. The problem is that this song does diddly shit with that concept and just lists off the sterile platitudes that come along with these types of songs without providing any reason to care about or sympathize with either of the parties in this song. And the worst part is, as it usually comes down to with Jason Aldean, the lifeless as hell delivery. He damn near always has a bad habit of dropping back into his lazy, nasal tone that stinks of macho posturing without any of the energy to sell it properly, and in a song where we're supposed to be invested emotionally, that's a massive problem, especially when that vacuum of charisma drags Carrie Underwood down with him and makes her oversing to compensate for his flat ass. I don't know about you guys, but if I didn't like this song-oh wait, I don't. NEXT!
6
Oh I have a feeling I am not gonna make a lot of fans with this one.
Glass Animals are an act that I had never heard of until the beginning of this year, and to be fair, as soon as I heard there was backlash to this group and this song in particular, I was thinking to myself "c'mon, are they really that bad?" So I listened and, while I wasn't really that impressed, I thought to myself "I mean, it wasn't great by any means, but it wasn't that terrible." Then I heard that hook a lot more and was like "okay, this is starting to get on my nerves now, especially with all that pitch shifting." But then, something happened: a lot more people were coming to this song's defense, to which I decided to give the song another go with fresh ears in hopes I could join that crowd. And then another go. And then another. And it had the exact opposite effect on me because holy god, this song just continued to slowly buy sure grate on my nerves with every subsequent listen. The weak-ass guitar line that gets buried under all the swampy, leaden bass, the numerous filters and pitch shifts placed over the vocals that are a complete mess, and the completely dour atmosphere all were enough to turn me away from this song instantly, not helped by Dave Bailey's singing which sounds like he had to record this directly after running a marathon, that's how out of breath he sounds. But then I took a closer look at the lyrics, and my god, the attitude is just rancid. I get reminiscing about what could have been in a relationship post-breakup, but with lines like this...
"Today I see our reflections in Hollywood" "You can't fight it, you can't breathe" "You know that it hurts me too" "You look so broken when you cry" "One more and then I'll say goodbye"
......it just sounds so manipulative. Like, dude, if you're really so intent on letting her go and allowing her to move on with her life after things didn't work out between you two, then do that. You giving into your urges for no discernible reason and continuing to bother despite promise after promise that you'll leave her alone is just sickening. The surface level issues were bad enough already, but it was the underlying ugliness that ultimately lead to this souring on me in the end. If anyone reading this likes this song, great, more power to you, but for me, even as the seasons changed, my feelings on this song just continued to grow cold.
5
Just......why???????
5) Song: Bang!
Artist: AJR
Year-End Position: 56
AJR are a band that has been achieving consistent chart success since 2013, but they've never quite been able to stick the landing with any real solid success, and that is more than likely for one reason: their music blows hot ass. It's three brothers continuously whinging about how hard it is to grow up and take actual accountability as they get older with no self-awareness, clever writing, or even a modicum of quality control to be found anywhere. Not helping is the fact that they all sound nasal as hell and choose the cheapest, most blaring, incompetently mixed production there is so that not only are they saying absolutely nothing, but they're not even making any attempt to have even a single bit of it sound good. Bang! isn't the worst thing they've ever made, especially not when you have trash like Bud Like You, I'm Ready, Weak, Burn The House Down, Way Less Sad, etc., but it's still a complete clusterfuck that has absolutely no reason to exist. The limp piano line that just goes nowhere, the jarring transition into the blaring utterances of "BANG BANG BANG" that never shut the fuck up throughout the entire song, horns that loudly toot along with no rhyme or reason, mechanical percussion that has no groove, the fucking announcer voice that is completely out of place and sounds terrible. The whole thing is just so cluttered and confused, and with how overpowering the mix is, it's just a migraine that overstayed its welcome on the charts fast, so the fact that this was a top 10 hit, on top of just being flat out infuriating, it also makes no goddamn sense. But then you get the lyrics, which are filled with nonsensical lines about having leftover quinoa in their fridge, trying to remember their password, and being rooted in just plain giving up. Seriously, look at this line:
"I'm way too young to lie here forever, I'm way too old to try, so whatever"
Uh, yeah, what the hell else is that supposed to mean? The song is trying to be big and aspirational, but when the main focus of your song is just nothing but encouragement for complete complacency, that clashes horribly with what you're aiming for. And really, this "whatever" attitude is something that most sensible people outgrow as they get older, so for these overgrown manchildren to flagrantly promote this type of toxicity in their music, uh, yeah, no, I've got no patience for that shit. So yeah, this is awful, but then again, it's AJR. I didn't expect anything else.
4
So the next three songs on this list are all gonna be country songs because, let's be real, between these songs and Fancy Like, this genre did not have a good year whatsoever. So let's start off with the most obviously horrible song of this lot......
4) Song: Good Time
Artist: Niko Moon
Year-End Position: 84
Okay, from just the first twenty seconds alone, you can already pinpoint all of the issues that this song is gonna have throughout the rest of the song. Basic as hell bro-country party lyrics, a directionless, clumsy acoustic guitar line that offers little in terms of distinct presence or melody, overpowering bass over some stock trap hi-hats, and a front man turning in a completely anonymous performance. But let's back up for a second because who the hell is this Niko Moon fellow? Well, from what I'm able to gather, he's been a country music insider for the past decade or so and has been a writer for big names in the genre such as Dierks Bentley, Rascal Flatts, Morgan Wallen, and most notably, the Zac Brown Band. It wasn't until the mid-2010s that he actually decided to do some work in the front of the house musically, and in 2019, he got signed with RCA Nashville. Look, I'm sure the dude is a decent writer, and I wouldn't be surprised if any of his other work was something that I could at least find some enjoyment in, but I'm sorry, I keep getting this nagging feeling that he only got the success he did because of corporate meddling of some fashion, and if ever there was a song that had the stench of corporate cynicism all over it, it's Good Time. Putting aside that not only do we have a great pop song with that title by Owl City & Carly Rae Jepsen, but we also have a great country song with that title courtesy of the legend himself, Mr. Alan Jackson, this is just a turd from start to finish. Everything about this song just feels wrong. It's meant to be some sort of campfire song that you just sing when you're drunk with your buddies around a campfire, but the whole thing just sounds so cold and calculated that any attempt to be relatable just has "how do you do, fellow kids" vibes written all over it. It's just so sour, and the way that slide guitar on the hook is so poorly tuned and tacked on has always managed to just set my teeth on edge. Moon himself has no presence behind the mic, so any attempts he makes to add any sort of life to the track just ends up dead on arrival. But then we have the content, and if it were just the stock cliches of the bro-country genre, that'd be one thing. However, this feels so goddamn gentrified and like a yuppie with only a vague idea of what southern culture is like trying to write a country song. Mentioning campfires, southern drawls, picking on a guitar, singing Dixieland Delight, fishing, there is no cohesion to any of it, so it just ends up being a grab bag of stereotypes with no rhyme or reason to the point where it's just so gross and condescending in what it's trying to do. Again, I'm sure Niko Moon has talent somewhere, but this ain't it, chief. Also, "apple pie moonshine"? There's no way that tastes good.
3
You know, I was expecting this artist's last hit to be the one I'd hate more. Moreover, I expected this artist to just go the fuck away......yeah, much to the chagrin of I and many others, that didn't exactly happen.
3) Song: The Good Ones Artist: Gabby Barrett Year-End Position: 62
Uuuuuuuggggggghhhhhh. For the love of god, of all the people to give a second hit, why why why why WHY?!?!?!?!? did it have to be Gabby fucking Barrett? I thought we all collectively agreed that her politics were absolute trash, she cannot sing to save her goddamn life, and after the absolute brainrot that was I Hope last year, which stuck around way longer than it should have and was only made worse by that godforsaken Charlie Puth remix, and overall she was best left in the dumpster fire that was 2020. But no, we just haaaaad to give her a follow up hit, and what for? Out of pity? Bleh, fine, whatever, this is the song she decided to release directly after I Hope, and wow, this is so much worse. At least her first hit had some sort of interesting premise to build off of. It did absolutely nothing with it, but at least there was a foundation. The Good Ones, on the other hand, plays it safe the entire time, and it's so fucking boring. Seriously, I dare you to listen to this song for longer than 30 seconds and not want to immediately switch the radio station/go to the next song in the playlist/want to listen to literally anything other than this. The tempo this song moves at is such a snail's pace that every time I listen to it, I feel the residual slime from the trail it leaves behind, and that is for two reasons. The first is this instrumentation. For one thing, the guitars are crushed into this tuneless slurry to the point where they sound heavy and sludgy, and with how barely audible they are coupled with the almost non-existent drums, it creates this mushy, ugly atmosphere not helped by that tinny, squawking synth slathered all over the verses that clashes horribly with what is supposed to be this lovey-dovey song about how great her significant other is and how he's on-.....*sigh* one of "the good ones." Look, I get that there most likely wasn't any ill will on Gabby's part when she made this song, but really, did you have to describe him like that? It just wreaks of your own insecurity issues, and it's not helped when the rest of the lyrics describe him as being nothing more than this squeaky clean Mr. Right who always treats her like he should and does everything so perfectly and holy shit I do not care. Look, I'm glad the relationship is going well, don't get me wrong, but this is just sheer overkill. At least with I Hope, there was some semblance of an interesting idea that just got squandered. This is just dead on arrival, and I hope we never have to hear from Barrett ever again, music or otherwise.
2
Okay, look, I am still very much willing to defend the first hit the featured artist on this song had, but the main band themselves, at least from what I've heard, seem pretty indefensible, and in the case of all of these men, this is just plain not excusable.
2) Song: Just The Way
Artist: Parmalee & Blanco Brown
Year-End Position: 88
Oh boy, this is a song that I was dreading talking about the most. For the uninitiated, this is Parmalee, a country band consisting of brothers Matt & Scott Thomas, their cousin Barry Knox, and childhood best friend Josh McSwain. They broke through around the beginning of the 2010s, and most of their discography is made up of cheap, meatheaded throwaway bro-country garbage mostly centered around how attractive they find certain women to be. Gee, haven't heard that before 😒. These guys aren't the worst thing ever, but my god, they're a waste. But of course, they had to find some way to scrounge up some chart success, and what better way than to team up with the first ever person to try and cash in and piggyback off of the success of Old Town Road, Blanco Brown. Look, to this day, I'm still a defender of The Git Up. Yes, it's cashing in on OTR's virality in an admittedly rather cheap way, but look, the simple steel guitar melody is likable, the jangly percussion has a nice groove to it, and for a dance song that essentially amounts to nothing more than some country line dancing, it does its job incredibly well and is able to be universal and inclusive. Blanco Brown doesn't really strike me as someone who ever needed a personality to work as an artist because, well, he was good with just the one hit. Here, though, they actually tried to give him a personality, if only barely, and...it does not work. At all. His faint whimper of a voice completely evaporates behind the filmy, over-compressed guitars, stale piano chords and snap beat that doesn't mesh with anything in the rest of the mix. I will say, though, that he does sound better than Matt Thomas. Seriously, that monstrous type growl he does sounds absolutely dreadful. Having grit in your voice is one thing, but this just takes it completely overboard to the point where it is just thoroughly unpleasant. Now for the reason this is so high: the lyrical content. This is a song all about how these guys love you, unspecified, nameless girl, for all of the imperfect things about you that make you perfect to them. This isn't a bad concept on paper, but the execution is just plain insulting. I thought we learned from songs like Little Things and All Of Me that when you run through a checklist of all of the faults of your partner, say that you love them for those faults because you can "look past them," and don't talk about any of the *actual* positives they have that you like them for, that raises at least a few red flags and just screams of only being willing to offer the superficial veneer of affection without any of the teeth to back up your claims. But if you'll notice, the line isn't just "I love you just the way you are," no no no, it's "I love you just the way GOD made you" and continues that your imperfections are so important because the big guy upstairs "doesn't make mistakes." So now we've got an unhealthy dollop of religious manipulation added into the mix and I'm just gonna go ahead to the dishonorable mentions before my blood pressure gets too high from the indescribable amounts of anger the message of this song gives me. Good fuck almighty.
Dishonorable Mentions
Song: you broke me first Artist: Tate McRae Year-End Position: 37
I guess this is fine on a lyrical level, but goddammit, this is way too stiff and overproduced, and Tate McRae cannot sing to save her life. No thank you.
Song: Way 2 Sexy Artist: Drake feat. Future & Young Thug
Year-End Position: 48
Say what you want about You're Mines Still and Girls Want Girls, at least the former went for some semblance of emotionality and the latter had a distinct if basic as hell melody. This is just disinterested, lifeless generic bragging over loud, squealing, tuneless synths. Pass.
Song: Glad You Exist Artist: Dan + Shay Year-End Position: 64
I've just about had it with Dan + Shay, and this nothing of a song is just one of the reasons why.
Song: Cry Baby
Artist: Megan Thee Stallion feat. DaBaby
Year-End Position: 77
Honestly, this would've made it pretty high on the list proper had the initial reaction of shock, horror, and disgust not worn off on me. Still doesn't excuse the fact that that mewling baby noise providing the main "melody" of the beat is annoying as hell. Oh, and DaBaby can run into a cactus.
Song: Need To Know
Artist: Doja Cat
Year-End Position: 46
Similar reasons as before. The production is claustrophobic, creepy and unsettling in a way that clashes horrifically with the seductive, intimate vibe it's going for, and Doja has done far better than this. Oh, and Dr. Luke can join DaBaby on that cactus.
Song: Throat Baby (Go Baby)
Artist: BRS Kash
Year-End Position: 97
Yuck.
Song: Arcade
Artist: Duncan Laurence
Year-End Position: 82
Faux indie fart in the wind with a bungled metaphor, warbly vocals, and instrumentation so dank and heavy with little in terms of distinct melody. I think I'll just let the shittiness speak for itself on this one.
Song: lonely
Artist: Justin Bieber & Benny Blanco
Year-End Position: 65
I actually don't mind the melancholic melody, and the concept of fame turning someone into a monster would be believable from literally anyone other than Justin Bieber. It's just a shame that that's whose hands it wound up in.
And now for five songs that hit the top 20 this year that would've made this list had they been eligible.
Song: a p p l y i n g . p r e s s u r e
Artist: J. Cole
Peak: 13
The beat is cool and the flow is alright. Too bad Cole had to waste it on pseudo-intellectual nonsense regarding basic economics, deflecting any and all blame for any wrongdoings of his, and showing how thin-skinned he is when he receives even the tiniest bit of criticism. C'mon, dude, you're better than this.
Song: Girls Want Girls
Artist: Drake feat. Lil Baby
Peak: 2
Hey, never said this schlock was good. Boring as sin production, checked out performances from both of our performers, and the cherry on top...
"say that you a lesbian, girl, me too"
......I don't think anything else needs to be said.
Song: Miss The Rage
Artist: Trippie Red feat. Playboi Carti
Peak: 11
OW MY FRICKIN' EARS!!!!!!
Song: Wasted On You
Artist: Morgan Wallen
Peak: 9
Setting aside a certain......infamous thing that Wallen did in the beginning of this year that pretty much killed any and all good will the general public had towards this guy, this is just an ugly, misshapen song with nothing but vitriol without the nuance and catharsis to balance it out over one of the most thoroughly unpleasant fusions of trap and country there is. Dangerous: The Double Album had some legit great songs on it, but this was most certainly not one of them.
Song: Am I The Only One
Artist: Aaron Lewis
Peak: 14
And we cap off this section with the song that easily would've been right at the top of this list had it been eligible. Rank conservative propaganda that is as disingenuous as can be over a spare, bland acoustic guitar line, shrill, yarling vocals from the former frontman of Staind, and let's not forget blatant RACISM as he laments the removal of Confederate statues from many public squares across the country. Fuck this song and fuck Aaron Lewis.
And now to finish this shit.
1
I'm......surprised by this pick. Not because it's on this list, not in the slightest, I've always hated this song, but rather, I'm surprised by the fact that, by the end of the year, I ended up hating this so much that it ended up right at the top of this list. But at the end of the day, the more I thought about it, the more it just made sense, to the point where I really couldn't think of anything else more fitting for the top spot. And so, ladies, gentlemen, and everyone else in between......Ritt Momney.
1) Song: Put Your Records On
Artist: Ritt Momney
Year-End Position: 93
Now, on the surface, one might look at a song like this and go "really, this is what you're putting at the top of your worst list?" And, in any other circumstance, you might've been right. After all, what is it, really? Just a pretty mediocre cover of a largely forgotten song that few people, if any, think about to this day? Well, it goes a lot deeper than that for me. So let's back up a bit......that bit being 15 years ago:
This is Put Your Records On by Corinne Bailey Rae, an often forgot little slice of indie pop that was released in 2006. Before the last couple months of last year, I'd not heard anybody talk about this song due to the abomination we'll be getting to in a second, but in all honesty, if there was a song that deserved to be way bigger than it was, it would be this song because it genuinely is really damn good. The light, flowery acoustics play off of the bouncy percussion really well, CBR has the right amount of energy and bubbliness to make a song like this work, and for a song about one girl encouraging another to take it easy and relax after a break-up as things will begin to look up for her in the end, it really is comforting and the perfect song for anyone to throw on to put their mind at complete ease. So what would happen if one were to take this absolutely blissful song and turn it into a lo-fi bedroom pop song that was meant to be even slower and more chilled out? Enter Ritt Momney, a kid in his very early 20s from Salt Lake City, Utah who, yes, does have a stage name that is a spoonerism of the politician that ran against Obama for president in 2012 (and lost, thankfully), and it is as stupid as it sound. I didn't think that the results could turn out to be this disastrous, but...oh......oh good god, he deformed this song in so many different ways that it's difficult to decide where the hell to even begin. Well, for one, the song was from one girl to another to add a sense of ease and camaraderie to show that she's there for her whenever she needs something. Here, the tone being from the perspective of a guy sounds more like he's hitting on this girl, which has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the song. It comes off more like "yeah, girl, you just need to put your mind at ease so go on, listen to some music, explore nature......and oh yeah, you can do it all with me and maybe we'll hit something off ourselves." Like, that just comes across as completely icky to me. This sense of underlying tactics that are skeevy and kinda vile, it just soils what the original song is going for on principle. But then you get to the vocals and production, and......it is just uncomfortable. The metallic, underweight keyboard line and synths and cluttered percussion are meant to sound pretty, but all they really do is just add layers upon layers of tension to the point where it almost feels suffocating. Ritt Momney himself uses this high falsetto that is just ear-piercing to the point that it just resonates on all the wrong frequencies for me. Not to mention all of the layers of reverb and autotune that just make him sound so robotic and processed. The worst moment, hands down, though, is that bridge that just warps and dements itself to the point of sheer anxiety. Hell, this whole thing is anxiety personified, and ultimately, that's why it tops this list, not just that it missed the point of the original, but that it transformed it into something so ugly and misshapen that why anyone would actively choose to listen to it just baffles me to no end. Hopefully this is the only thing Ritt Momney contributes to the pop scene because this has no reason to exist. Worst hit song of 2021 by a country mile. Best list coming soon, I will see y'all when that drops. Thanks for reading.
Oh boy, 2020, where to even start with you. The biggest thing to get out of the way first and foremost is just how much of a dumpster fire this year was. Police brutality and several other circumstances that show that, despite what some fucknuts would want you to believe, shows that racism is still alive and well and doesn't look to be going away any time soon, the turmoil that was this election and all that encompassed it, the fact that our current soon-to-be-former president is still trying to spread the cockamamie that the election was rigged despite the fact that even the ones who are supposed to be on his side the most have acknowledged that that's not true and even greenlit the process for the transferal of power over to our current president-elect, heavy doses of several other unrelated crazy events, a cavalcade of celebrities sadly passing away that rivals even that of 2016, and of course, the global pandemic forcing us all to stay inside and continues to wreak havoc as I am writing this due to the shockingly large number of people who somehow are still under the impression that this is all a hoax and that it's nowhere near as big of a deal as is being portrayed (seriously, you goddamn idiots, get with the fucking program already). But that is all real world stuff, how about the main thing you came here to see me discuss: the music? Well, it was actually pretty good, for the most part. I'm not gonna say it was one of the best years of all time, or even in recent memory, but for the most part, 2020 was pretty solid, and if ever there was any silver lining to keep us all sane throughout these difficult times, it would be the supply of tunes this year had to offer not being all that bad. Still, though, this of course doesn't mean that it was all sunshine and rainbows, and you know exactly what we have to start with. It ain't gonna be the good stuff, big shocker there. Alright, long preamble over. Let's begin.
10
You know what genre had a pretty good year? Country. Dead serious, a lot of it returned to the neo-traditional roots that originally attracted people to it in the first place and gave us a lot of songs, even on this YE list that actually sounded like actual country music......and then there's Jason Aldean.
10) Song: Got What I Got
Artist: Jason Aldean
Year-End Position: 60
I know when it comes to bro country schlock, we all like to point to the Luke Bryans and the Blake Sheltons, but one person that flies under the radar far too often in this category is Jason Aldean. More often than not, his songs are just phoned in, flimsy excuses for music that was clearly only made to pander to his audience. Every now and again, he'll have a moment where he actually tries and we'll get something genuinely good like Lights Come On or You Make It Easy, but more often than not we have flaccid non-entities like Dirt Road Anthem or Take A Little Ride. Take a good guess which one Got What I Got falls under. For starters, we have the melodic structure, which just feels really off. Everything just feels muddled from the weak acoustic guitars and banjos along with a generic trap beat, and it just kinda goes through the motions without ever really going beyond this flat, monotonous slog. The only times this has any bite to it is when the electric guitars and actual drums barge in to give the song any power, but by then, it just feels like far too little far too late. As for Aldean himself, his charismaless performance is as present as ever as it usually is in his music, and it creates the usual vacuum that sucks the soul out of everything even remotely close to it. Aldean has always tried to split the difference between bro country and boyfriend country, but he's not lively enough for the former and not genuine enough for the latter, so he winds up failing on both sides of the fence. Prime example of that second thing: the content. Not wanting anything else in life but to spend time with the one you love is a fine enough sentiment, but it completely undercuts the tone you were going for when you mention that said significant other was the girl you cheated on your then-wife with and eventually left her for, not being helped by you mentioning that you don't regret doing so. Pretty scummy, you jerk. It's this low on the list because it's so in-one-ear-and-out-the-other, but it has too many glaring issues to leave it off entirely.
9
So obviously, with the quarantine, you had songs that people ran to in order to feel some sort of comfort or acknowledgement that everything was gonna be alright. From that, you're probably expecting me to put a song like Sunday Best by Surfaces or If The World Was Ending by JP Saxe & Julia Michaels here, but nah. Oh, those songs definitely suck, but guys, c'mon now. Fight the real enemy......the real enemy in this case being Scooter Braun.
9) Song: Stuck With U
Artist: Ariana Grande & Justin Bieber
Year-End Position: 80
Yeah, frankly, this would've made it here on principal alone. So, as you all know, due to the global pandemic, the vast majority of us have been forced to stay quarantined in our houses so as to take measures to ensure that we don't get COVID-19, which has ravaged across various nations all over the world, left many who've previously had it with irreversible heart, lung, and brain damage, and has killed millions of people worldwide with over a quarter million deaths here in the US alone. Leave it, then, to greedy assholes like Scooter Braun to capitalize off of this for a quick paycheck by slapping this rush job together and, through chart manipulation and record label payola, sent this straight to the top where it rightfully sank like a rock in the following weeks. You can just tell how cynical and calculated this is from just one listen of this thing. Seriously, when Bieber is putting in a completely checked out performance and still puts in more effort than Ariana, that's a serious problem. The two have no chemistry whatsoever, the production is pretty much just Perfect by Ed Sheeran but with anything warm and inviting about that song removed entirely and replaced with the coldest, clunkiest of trap beats, and what even is there left to say about these lyrics? It takes some real nerve and ignorance to sing about how you're not good for each other, but because you literally can't go anywhere else right now, you're "stuck" with that person, and yet you somehow wish it'll last forever? Uh, no, GOD no, I want this to be over as soon as possible just like everyone else. Really, the only reason this is so low is that this really is a song that could've only existed in the hellscape that is 2020, but it still belongs here nonetheless. Ariana, this isn't as bad as 7 Rings, but you're still better than this. Justin...well, we'll come back to you.
8
For the longest time, this was gonna be a lot higher on the list because I considered it way worse than this guy's big hit from last year. In retrospect, I was being way too harsh as it's not that bad, but I still feel it deserves its place on the list regardless.
[TW: Suicide]
8) Song: Before You Go
Artist: Lewis Capaldi
Year-End Position: 21
Yeah, we're talking about this guy again. Capaldi made his mark last year with Someone You Loved, a song so blatantly terrible that I really only listed the incredibly obvious ways that one went wrong and was done because, really, that's all there was to it. The reasons it sucked so bad were in everyone's faces and would not go away until it finally spared our eardrums by dropping off the charts entirely. He didn't have too much mercy on us, though, as just as that one was beginning to fall off, this one kept gaining popularity. And...look, I don't get it. This guy isn't the worst person making music today, far from it, but you give his songs to literally anyone else, and what would change? His songs are so interchangeable with one another that they all just blend together into this slurry of boring, generic mush. This song isn't as bad as Someone You Loved mainly because the production is way more developed and the pissy petulance isn't quite as present, but it's still not good. For one, the instrumentation is overblown drums mixed with this really canned-sounding basic guitar loop that, sure, has peaks and valleys, but those are really just the producers mistaking getting louder for having more dramatic impact than what's really going on. As for what's actually being said, this song is about the death of a loved one, Capaldi's aunt in particular, and is from the perspective of his mother wondering what could have been done to prevent such a tragic event from occurring. Setting aside the fact that the song never makes those last two parts clear, or that the parts where it's about suicide are indecipherable from any ordinary break-up song, look, I get it. We all have thoughts in events like these about what involvement we could've had so that something as horrific as someone taking their own life didn't happen. It's a natural thought process, and the guilt, shame, and other tangled emotions that come along with it can really take its toll on someone. That said, it undermines what the song was going for when you make a song out of it. It comes off as unintentionally self-centered, and while I respect what it was trying to do, it falls flat on its face. But that's not the main reason this is here. No, it comes back to, as it always does, to Lewis Capaldi's voice. I buy that the emotions he's singing about are real, but that doesn't mean they're pleasant to listen to at all between the mumbly verses and cheese grater of a chorus and bridge. It completely spoils what would've otherwise been a song that wasn't that good but still would've been fine enough and drags it into straight up unlistenable territory. It's nowhere near the worst song to talk about suicide, believe me, we'll get to a much worse example later on down the list, but it just doesn't work for me.
7
You didn't seriously think we were done with Justin Bieber, did you?
7) Song: Yummy
Artist: Justin Bieber
Year-End Position: 58
So Bieber put out an album this year......oh, you didn't care about it? Great, we're in the same boat because neither did I. Bieber (or at least post-puberty Bieber) has always been such a non presence on his own songs, having a voice so milquetoast and plain that is pleasant enough to the ears but never really stands out among his contemporaries. Sure, he has a few genuinely great songs up his belt like Sorry and What Do You Mean?, but those are more due to the production than anything else. So, what do you get when you combine his blah, personality-less voice, backing music that puts even elevators to sleep, and writing so vomit inducing, it's astounding just how awful the final product is? Well, you get Yummy. I'd set aside the stream trolling and how Biebs tried to game the system by encouraging his fans to stream the song on loop while they slept so he could get the song to debut at the top of the charts, only for it to fail in spectacular fashion by being cock-blocked by The Box by Roddy Ricch, but really, what could be more fitting that such an embarrassing plunder could happen to such an embarrassment of a song? The beat is just these light, one note synths with clicking percussion that sounds like the prototype for Hotline Bling. Where's the rest of the song. Bieber sounds like he's about to fall asleep throughout the vast majority of the tune, and even the moments where he tries to inject some sort of effort into his performance, he still sounds incredibly flat and formless, which really does not fit with what the song is about. And what the song is about......why don't we dig in, shall we? In case the title didn't make it abundantly clear, this is a song about cunnilingus. Not that that's an inherently bad thing, there've been good songs about that before such as Cake By The Ocean and, hell, even Watermelon Sugar which was an *actual* number one hit this year. But really, the issue is so obvious that I don't even need to point it out, but I'm gonna do it anyway. That "yummy yummy yum"? What are you, five years old? No reasonable adult uses that word in normal conversation, and for good reason because it just sounds gross no matter how you say it. Why would you make eating pussy sound so unappealing? This is just icky in every way. So why isn't' it higher? Well, in all honesty, I just pity it more than anything. Like, you can tell that Bieber really believes that this is what's gonna give his wife a WAP, and how it's totally the most sensual thing ever. Well, Biebs, if this is the best you can do, then get used to all those nights of being exiled to the couch. Just sayin'.
6
You know, us music critics, we're not perfect. Our opinions fluctuate constantly, and this can lead to us looking back and thinking "yeah, that song really should've been on the list." This is one of those times for me because how the hell did I not include this guy on my worst list back in 2017?
6) Song: Hot Girl Bummer
Artist: blackbear
Year-End Position: 26
Who actually likes this guy? That's an actual question, who listens to blackbear and thinks "yeah, he seems like a dude I'd like to hang around." This man's entire persona makes me want to take a baseball bat to his stupid face. Pretty much, it's just him being this unlikable fratboy that just goes around saying fuck and acting as if that makes him the coolest motherfucker on the planet. Normally, things like that are played up for a joke, but no, this guy is one hundred percent real with all of it, and I hate it. I hate it so goddamn much. His breakout hit was do re mi back in 2017, and if ever there was a song that made me wanna break someone's spine, it was that one. Just an ugly as sin trap song where he berates his girl for treating him awfully when it's clear as day that he's obviously doing the same to her. It's so blood curdling in just how repugnant it is, and I was happy to never hear anything else from him again. But lo and behold, he came back, and with his biggest ever hit, which cribs the title from Megan Thee Stallion's song from last year and even managed to outpeak it. That alone would be disgusting, but then you have the actual song itself, and it just smacks of how much of a blatant fuckboy this guy is. First things first, this production is just straight up unlistenable. The overbearing synths, cheap guitar line, and music box twinkles are all so overbearing that they create this atmosphere that can only be described as suffocating. Then there's blackbear himself, and if ever there was a guy who just warbles his way through a song without any head to whether he's even carrying a single note, it would be him. But then there's the content, and it's all just pure negativity for the sake of being edgy. There's no point to any of it, it's just pure contempt for everyone including the listener. Hell, the look is literally just a crooning "fuck you". What is the point? Who the hell wants to be surrounded by nothing but brooding and and cynicism all the fucking time? There has to be a point to it. If all you do is mope around with a scowl on your face, then nobody is gonna wanna be associated with you, as they shouldn't. But really, do I even need to explain why this song is so horrid? It's hot girl bummer by blackbear. Exactly as advertised on the tin, and we should've left on the shelf to expire. Next.
5
I reiterate: you didn't seriously think we were done with Justin Bieber, did you?
5) Song: Intentions
Artist: Justin Bieber feat. Quavo
Year-End Position: 17
Yeah, Yummy wasn't even Bieber's worst hit this year. Changes was just such a boring album that you'd think that'd be the most contemptible track off of it, but nope. And even worse, Intentions had way more staying power than Yummy did, although if ever there was a Bieber track that deserved to chart for exactly one week and then fall off immediately after instead of being one of the biggest hits in the country for months...well, okay, Children still exists, but it actually did fall off the next week. Much like Yummy, Intentions has an incredibly sparse beat, but where that one just bored the hell outta me, this one actively plucked at my last nerve. The plinking synth line paired with the thudding bass is enough to cause a headache. Vocally, Bieber sounds more engaged than he did in Yummy, but it's still not anything special or noteworthy. But then there's the lyrics, and where Yummy was more obvious with how bad it was in that department, this song flies way more under the radar and actually seems a lot more sinister. This is Biebs' attempt to make a genuine, heartfelt song for his wife, Hailey, but my god, these lines. "Picture perfect, you don't need no filter"? "Heart full of equity, you're an asset"? And my absolute "favorites" of the bunch, "stay in the kitchen, cookin' up, got your own bread" and "shout out to your mom and dad for making you". What kind of bumbling, idiotic fool let this song get approved without stopping to think "hmmm, yeah, this could use a rewrite. Or two. Or seventeen." And you know what, this wouldn't even be that exasperating if it weren't for the fact that this stayed in the top 10 for several weeks. Of all the pop songs to make big this year, why this one? Oh, and Quavo's on this song. I don't care about him, and neither do you. Moving on.
4
You know, I actually didn't mind this song at first, but slowly but surely it soured on me more and more, and now I finally get to rip this thorn in my side apart.
4) Song: I Hope
Artist: Gabby Barrett feat. Charlie Puth
Year-End Position: 12
Alright, allow me to state, first and foremost, that this song has nothing to do with either American Idol or the fact that Barrett is a Trump supporter. I'm judging this solely as a piece of music and nothing more. Now then, if I thought Intentions sticking around for as long as it did was mind scrambling, then this song's popularity just straight up took my brain and made a full on eggs benedict with it because it first charted in the beginning of this year, and is still in the top 10 as of me typing this. That would be impressive if it were done for literally any other song because really? I know I and many others keep talking about how there need to be more women who are big in country music right now, but come on, we can do so much better than this. For starters, this instrumentation is hot garbage. Stiff guitars, irritating synths, and a hook so blown out that it would break anyone's speakers is just insufferable. Many have made the comparison of Gabby to Carrie Underwood, and it's not an inaccurate comparison to make. But at least Underwood didn't feel the need to pile on so much autotune and reverb onto her voice, and even then, it all fails to cover up just how terrible of a singer Barrett is. Every note she belts out sounds like she's straining herself well beyond her range, and it physically hurts to listen to. Lyrically, this is pretty much a revenge fantasy...except is it? Is it really? It's all this thought out, detailed way of which Gabby Barrett hopes the guy that broke her heart finds another girl that makes him as happy as he made her, only to break his heart time and again to mirror his own actions in his and Barrett's relationship. Except, that's just it. She hopes it happens. Oh, she's not willing to put in any of the work herself, but she just wants there to be something as what he did to her happening to him. Can we say entitlement? With other revenge fantasy songs in this vein, there was action taken to try to ensure that the initial wrongdoer felt the same pain as their victim. Here, there's none of that. It's just Gabby wishing it all would happen, so it comes off less like a spiteful, scorned lover pouring her heart out and more like a teenage girl's whiny diary entry. And even then, that probably would've only put this song at, like, #7 or so, but then he showed up. Yeah, the remix with Charlie Puth is the version that made the YE and is still popular right now, and...dude, you built up so much good will with me with Voicenotes, why are you going back to your Nine Track Mind days, which even you admit was insipid. Aside from not sounding good at all on here, he just sings the original lyrics of the second verse with no changes other than the genders being swapped, and it completely throws off whatever balance there was to begin with. This was clearly not meant to be sung as a duet, but thanks to corporate meddling, that's what we got. Fuck this song.
3
Well, we made it this far without discussing an artist who's a terrible human being. So let me surprise you with the fact that Chris Brown isn't making the list this year. Shocking, I know, but hey, as bad as No Guidance is, I already tore it to shreds last year, and Go Crazy, to my surprise as well as many others', is a pretty solid track. It's nothing spectacular, but the fact that I had no qualms about it being a hit on a musical or lyrical level really is something I've been waiting to say again for a long time. He's still a terrible human being, but at least he gave us a song this year I didn't wanna shoot on sight. Now then, on to the person taking his spot this year.
[TW: Mental Health, Suicide]
3) Song: Suicidal
Artist: YNW Melly feat. Juice WRLD
Year-End Position: 75
Now here's a song most of you completely forgot about. For the longest
time, this was just gonna be in the dishonorable mentions. But then I
actually listened to it, and......holy shit. For the uninitiated, this is YNW Melly, a rap artist who broke onto the charts last year with Mixed Personalities and Murder On My Mind, the latter of which becoming his biggest hit. However, within a couple weeks of those songs charting, he confessed to and was charged with the double murder of two of his closest friends. He is currently serving a life sentence behind bars as of this post. Now, despite the baggage associated with it as well as the fact that it was the controversy that made it a hit, which raises all sorts of questions, I actually really like Murder On My Mind. It's got a melancholic, lo-fi sound that Melly, despite his nasal performance, rides really well with some detailed story telling that hits way harder than it has any right to. But then, he somehow managed to chart this on the Hot 100, and, after the tragic passing of Juice WRLD last year, the remix of this song with him on it made a similar climb into the top 20 and became Melly's second biggest hit. Now, normally, this would be the part where I talk about grave robbery and how disgusting it is that record labels mining a dead person's unreleased material without their prior consent just to make a quick buck is disgusting in every regard possible, but this was a remix that happened well before Juice died, and he was fully involved, so thankfully, that conversation will not be applying here. Not enough of a hindrance to keep this song from winding up this high on the list because oh my god, who thought this was a good idea? Musically, this song drones on with some hazy synths that barely have any melody to them and YNW Melly at his most annoying vocally. His nasal tones didn't bother me on Murder On My Mind because he rode the beat so well and there was enough going on in the mix that it was enough to distract from it, but here, given how minimalist everything is, it protrudes from the rest of the track in the most irksome way imaginable. But then we get to the content, and......do I have to? Really? This song is about a toxic relationship where YNW Melly and his girl didn't exactly end things on the best of terms. Okay, not off to a bad start, but then it delves into how she apparently treated him so bad that his alcoholism worsened because of her and he was driven to thoughts of ending his own life. That's despicable on every ground. Did we learn nothing from SAD! a couple years ago? Why do these artists think exploiting mental health for the sake of manipulating their partners and/or getting back at them is such a good idea? It's not. It's just flat out disgusting. At least from Juice WRLD, who admittedly sounds pretty good here, it comes off as yet another example of one of his multiple cries for help that he sadly never received, but Melly doesn't give off that vibe at all, so there is no excuse for him. Yeah, this is emotional abuse, plain and simple, and on top of just being an ugly song sonically, the attitude it provides is heinous in the worst ways conceivable. Fuck you, Melly. I hope you rot in that cell.
2
For the longest time, this was my number one. It got lucky that something else came along and dethroned it, but my god, this fucking splitting headache of a song.
2) Song: Sunday Best
Artist: Surfaces
Year-End Position: 61
Hey, never said it wouldn't be on the list. Anyway, you may be wondering who the hell these guys are. Allow me to fill you in. In 2017, a guy by the name of Colin Padalecki began making music with his cousin, and while attending college, began uploading that music to the internet. This garnered the attention of one Forrest Frank, a recent college graduate, who reached out to Padalecki and invited him to his houseboat to record some music. Thus was born Surfaces, who gained more than 30 million streams on Spotify and are still pretty successful to this day, this hit being a pretty clear indication of that. Now, I actually checked out all three of their albums as well as the single they made earlier this year with Elton John, and they are actually pretty good. The music tends to be pretty chill, soulful, and positive overall, and while the singing is admittedly a little flatter than it should be, it's not nearly enough to ruin the vibe the songs they make are going for, which makes a song like Sunday Best stick out like the sorest of thumbs. And stick out it does, though unfortunately in all of the worst ways possible. For starters, I completely get what these lyrics are going for. They're trying to spread positivity and get people who are feeling down and pick them up. That's a pretty good message, and the advice about leaving something better than you found it is genuinely inspiring and great, but man, does the rest of the execution get fumbled and fumbled hard. For starters, while I get the intent behind the content, pretty much all it is is "if you fall, just pick yourself back up, dust off your shoulders, and keep moving." It's fine in some circumstances, but in others, more than that needs to be done, and it's pretty tone deaf to think it can be applied to any and all hardships a person might be going through. Maybe I'm looking way too deep into it, but that's just what it comes across as to me. This, of course, certainly isn't helped with the bits where the one guy says "everyone falls down sometimes." Like, yeah, you're having a hard time right now, but everyone has struggles, so just shut up and put a smile on like the rest of us. Not to mention the line telling you to "just say whatever cuz there is no way around it." This is a line explicitly about giving up and not even attempting to face the problem head on, which is the direct opposite of what should happen. Sure, you gotta know when to pick your battles, of course, but to just say fuck it and give up is a defeatist mindset and, ironically, goes directly against what the song is going for. But honestly, none of that is even the real reason it's this high up on the list. No, that comes down to the fact that the overall sound of this song is the textbook definition of the phrase "a headache and a half." You have the ramshackle, crackling percussion that has absolutely no groove to it whatsoever, pretty decent piano and guitar line that are actually pretty decent melodically but unfortunately gets muffled and drowned out by how loud everything else is, and overall, the whole thing just sounds like it's collapsing in on itself. This doesn't make me feel uplifted, this makes me wanna go run and hide for cover. And these guys' vocals, oh boy. I know I said they weren't that much of a problem on their other songs, but that is because of the jazzier, more laid back feel they all had. This one actually has them try to have some energy, but my god, they just don't sound good at all, not helped by all the effects on their voices that make them sound more grainy and clipped than they really should. Look, like I said, these guys are not untalented by any stretch of the imagination. Hell, Learn To Fly, the aforementioned Elton John collab, is pretty much this song but in their more comfortable smooth jazz mold and with all the condescension removed. There is absolutely no reason for this inexcusable, unmitigated disaster to exist, and yet something else topped it in terms of awfulness this year. I think you know what we have to get through before that, though.
Dishonorable Mentions
Song: If The World Was Ending
Artist: JP Saxe feat. Julia Michaels
Year-End Position: 56
They turned a song about the end of the world into boring, petty melodrama that isn't even that relatable. Honestly, I'd probably be more pissed if it weren't so in one ear and out the other for me. Next.
Song: Falling
Artist: Trevor Daniel
Year-End Position: 22
Incredibly white fuckboi rap that drones on and feels like an eternity. It's not the worst song in this vein, but it's still not good by any stretch of the imagination. Pass.
Song: POPSTAR
Artist: DJ Khaled feat. Drake
Year-End Position: 66
Drake, what the actual fuck are you doing? Toosie Slide was also pretty bad, and I know you're no stranger to embarrassing yourself, but this is a new low even for you.
Song: Party Girl
Artist: StaySolidRocky
Year-End Position: 64
I get what this was going for, but it's just so dour and such a drag to listen to that it just doesn't work.
Song: Sum 2 Prove
Artist: Lil Baby
Year-End Position: 79
You know, Lil Baby actually has made quite a bit of improvement. It's
just a shame that you wouldn't know it from two songs from earlier this
year and late last year that landed here. This one is just plain sounds
like greasy ass.
Song: Said Sum
Artist: Moneybagg Yo
Year-End Position: 98
Annoyingly performed and produced, but what really landed it here was the tasteless as fuck COVID-19, reference. Fuck you, dude.
Song: Mood Swings
Artist: Pop Smoke feat. Lil Tjay
Year-End Position: 81
Okay, Pop Smoke was an incredibly talented rapper, and his murder was tragic in every sense of the word, but I'm sorry, this is just gross, and not just on a lyrical level, but also with all the disgusting autotune slathered all over Lil Tjay's vocals on this song. Rest In Peace, Pop Smoke, but this just does not work whatsoever.
Song: One Margarita
Artist: Luke Bryan
Year-End Position: 70
It's honestly actually pretty fine for the most part......and then that ugly, buzzy chorus comes in and brings the whole song down.
Okay, let's end this.
1
Okay, I made reference to this guy in my worst list last year, and if you thought for one second that I thought that I was giving this guy a pass at all, well......think again.
1) Song: Hard To Forget
Artist: Sam Hunt
Year-End Position: 69
You know, I made the comment last year that Chase Rice was worse overall than Sam Hunt, but believe you me, that's only on a musical level, and even then, only because Rice hasn't made a single song I like whereas Hunt at least has Leave The Night On and House Party. However, even with those songs, it's still not exactly a hill I'm willing to die on because those songs as well as his cover of Keith Urban's Cop Car are the only good songs he's done. I listened to Montevallo back in 2015, and while my dumb self got somehow tricked into liking it at the time (including Take Your Time, which still bewilders me how I ever liked that song as it gets worse and worse everytime I hear it), slowly but surely, over time, I just realized how much of a complete and utter dickweed this guy was. He's been called many things by several other critics, from lazy to obnoxious to just straight up not knowing what the fuck he's doing, but for me, the two most accurate descriptions that stand out to me are braying and douchebaggy. Everything about this guy is just the meatheaded remains of every other bro country artists' scraps thrown together in a blender with no cohesion or self-awareness, and even if there was, he would still do what he does without any regard to either the moral implications or just how plain stupid it would make him sound. It's just this guy's worst impulses coupled with awful production, terrible writing, and just being completely terrible pieces of "music" in every regard possible. In 2017, this guy had run the absolute last of my patience thin when he released both Drinkin' Too Much and Body Like A Back Road, the latter of which became the biggest "country" hit of that year, and it wasn't until this year that he absolutely refused to put anything else out aside from a few singles splattering months apart from one another, none of them turning out to be any good, mind you, and it just seemed like we were destined to continue repeating the cycle until, finally, he put out his 2020 album, Southside, and dumpster fire would be an understatement. Some of the worst production choices made, not just in country music, but any genre period, Sam's smug, up-his-own-ass delivery never letting up even once, and writing so mind-numbingly angering that it made me wanna set things on fire and then burn myself with the still smoldering ashes. The fact that this song isn't even the worst track from that trash heap and is still abhorrent enough to top this list should give you every single reason to avoid that album in just about every way you can. So, the song itself. Where to even begin? How about the random assortment of noises that calls itself a beat. If it wasn't obvious enough, this samples the 1953 song There Stands The Glass by Webb Pierce, a mournful country ballad about a guy that drinks to forget the fact that his woman left him. It's pretty standard in terms of old school country music, but it's simple and effective, and it gets the job done. Leave it to Samuel Hunter over here, though, to absolutely fucking mutilate it by adding a trap beat way too far to the front of the mix that's a complete jackhammer through the skull, add so many unnecessary reverb effects to Pierce's vocals that it quite literally pierces the eardrums (say what you want about the Corona sample in RITMO, at least that one fit in with the rhythm of the song, pun intended), and make the guitars and banjos so rubbery and twangy that it crushes any chance that this would be listenable into a fine powder. Cacophonous and skin crawling and every single regard. But then we get to the content and......holy fuck, who greenlit this? Essentially, Sam and the girl in this song have been broken up, but due to the small town they both live in, he keeps seeing things that remind him of her at every turn. Think the track off of Montevallo, Break Up In A Small Town, but even more obnoxious, and even then, at least that one tried to have a real sense of anguish and show that Hunt really was pained by the situation. Here, everything is just so chipper and upbeat that it's a colossal tonal mismatch, and misses the point of the song entirely. But here's the real kicker: instead of just chalking things up to mere coincidence, as he should, he instead tries to gaslight the listener with the ridiculous and frankly insidious notion that this is all some sort of plot to make his life post-break up a living hell and just play hard to forget with him (and do I even need to tell you how cringeworthy that "play on words" is?). Now, I'm not sure if Sam Hunt knows that what he's doing here is just plain idiotic and steps over the line into creepy territory, especially with how he talks about how he sees her face in the clouds and smells her perfume in crowds, but honestly, I don't care because this nasty goop is drizzled all throughout the song, and it makes me feel like no amount of q-tips could ever be enough to thoroughly clean my ears sufficiently to rid myself of being even anywhere near what this jack-off is spouting out of his face hole. Dude, you and her are through. GET! THE FUCK! OVER! IT! Jeez, if this is how you are in the aftermath, I can only imagine how you treated her during the relationship. Hell, even she knows what a wreck you are.
"Told me to leave all your things
out on the porch on the swing
you'd come and grab 'em
by the end of the week"
See? Even she's caught on to your shit. So let's see, we got a delusional fuckface delivering in the most disinterested and smug tone how this girl has some sinister plot to mess with his head even though he's clearly out of his fucking gourd, unlistenable instrumentation that drives me up the highest of walls, anything else reprehensible you wanna throw in there, you walrus fucking shit goblin of a human being?
"I got a bottle of whiskey
but I got no proof
That you showed up tonight
In that dress
Just to mess with my head"
Pure, unapologetic slut shaming, clear as crystal, because that's what a song like this needed. Oh, and I wasn't kidding about the rest of that album being just as if not even more horrible. Hell, do I even need to bring up that That Ain't Beautiful is just "hey girl, you're sad, so stop it, cuz it's unattractive"? Or that one of the better cuts from that record is called......*sigh* Breaking Up Was Easy In The '90's? All of this paired with the fact that he just slapped Drinkin' Too Much and Body Like A Back Road on it for pretty much no reason to show how much of a lazy asshole he is, and no, I'm done here. MCA Nashville, get your fucking shit together, start promoting more women in country, and quit giving attention to drivel like this. Worst hit of the year, without question. Hell, probably one of the worst songs to even touch the Hot 100, period. Best list coming soon. See you all then.
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